broken glass drenched in poison inside me

[ASH65]

last night i woke at 2am,got up,went to the loo and got back into bed.
as i did i was overwhelmed by images,horrible images,of abuse of the forces of hell beckoning me to its darker chambers.i saw images in my mind of a child being killed.shaking,i got up and wrapped my arms around my wife and wept.i returned to my room and went to chat but got too scared after disclosing,so left.i could not sleep in the dark so left the lights on.after an hour or two i fell asleep and had heartbreaking nightmares about my mother.today i am attending the funeral of a best friends father.i am posting a lot,im sorry but the terror is at its worst for a long time.i managed to get the girls to school and nursery.now home, i am exhausted but darent sleep for fear.if i had drugs i would take them,i have none and will seek none.but this pain,this knowledge of the rape i experienced is like broken glass drenched in poison inside me tears fell down my face as i kissed my wee ones bye bye.they are safe and happy thank god and my love for them is infinite.
not for the first time in this life,i feel like i am on my knees waiting for it to start.:weep::weep::weep::weep::weep::weep:

[Veronica H]

:bighug1:Ash. I donot think you should be attending a funeral given that your nerves are so sensitised just now. I think you need to speak to your GP asap. There is help out there for you and this will settle. In the meantime stay in the moment and try not to add fear to this. We are all here for you.

Veronicax

[hannybun]

hi ash, i'm very sorry for you are going through, i do agree with veronica, funerals in themselves are quite traumatic and would add to your suffering x

[Maj]

Hello Ash,
I hope you managed to get through the funeral. I agree with Veronica, it might have been better not to go because you seem very vulnerable at the moment. I am interested to know if you have ever spoken to a counsellor or professional about your past trauma? You can't go on like this because it is constantly tormenting you and needs to be helped to be put to rest. You can then be at peace. It can be done.
Myra x

[ASH65]

hi and thank you for your concerns,they are very kind.actually the funeral was fine,he had been ill a long time and his passing was a blessing,and you could feel that.it was also very lovely to see and comfort sarah,we have been friends over 20 yrs.so all was as it should be,peace now,not suffering.
thank you ASH

[Maj]

Glad everything went okay at the funeral. Your posts are so intense, but then it's as though you put it in the background - for another while. I feel for you.
Myra:hugs:

[ammiemum]

ash, i feel for you. if you have a decent GP go and see him, while you are able to 'wrap it up inside' [i know, i did that for 40 odd years!] and it still managed to blow up in my face.....
apparently emdr is supposed to help ?
you need to be able to get past this awful seesaw way of living and you can with the right help, which as usual seems to start with your g.p.
i wish you well.