Could my son have mental health issues?

[shotokansho]

Hello everyone :)

I really don't know if this is the right place for my post, apologies if not.
It's about my 12 year old son Ryan, he is 13 in 3 weeks. I'm a little concerned about his behaviour. If nothing goes his way he goes into fits of anger and rage. He punches things, kicks things and shouts and screams.
Other times he gets very upset...but hysterically so.
The other day he realised he had lost his phone. It was a really nice expensive one and he was gutted. But I was shocked about the way he reacted to it. He cried for hours and then started saying how useless and pathetic he was because he couldn't look after it. He kept saying how pathetic he was because everything he has he breaks or losses. Then he brought up Edward our rabbit. Edward died around 4 years ago through old age, but he started blaming himself for not feeding him. This was clearing not true, but I was amazed that he brought this up and was blaming himself. Hearing my son say these things about himself was not only upsetting but quite shocking too. I finally managed to calm him and the phone or the rabbit hasn't been mentioned since.
I understand that kids have tantrums and don't like it when things don't go their way. I have a 6 year old that has plenty of tantrums.
The thing is with Ryan is that he is very creative, he is clever and he has a very sweet and loving side to him. He gets very angry when anyone hurts or upsets myself or his brother. But then I see this horrible side to him that quite frankly scares me. When he is in one of his rages he is scary, he says horrible things and basically trashes the house. When is is having one of his emotional, upset episodes he is very hard to convince that what he is saying isn't true, and it's very hard to calm him and stop his tears.
I will give you all some background. When he was born I suffered with post natal depression that was never treated. It led to myself drinking a lot and becoming very ill with depression, which in turn led to panic and anxiety. So to my dismay and guilt Ryan didn't have a very good early start. He was basically left to his own devices up until he was 3 years old.
When he was 3 I set the house on fire by accident due to alcohol. This was the wake-up call I needed. I got off the booze and starting building a good relationship between us and a nice home environment.
Ryan started soiling and wetting his pants. He started school doing this and it was horrible for him. He stopped soiling half way through primary school and stopped wetting towards the end. He still wets the bed.
I blame myself a lot for the way his is because of my past. We do have a great relationship now but he has also had to put up with me with my illnesses and the times I have been in hospital, also my sexuality.
I feel really bad for him, I love him so much but just don't want him to have the life I have had or to grow up hating himself. Can anyone relate or throw some idea's in? I'm really worried about him.

Kez xxx

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs:dear kez, in some ways i totally relate to your post - i have a 12 year old daughter. i also have had problems that meant i wasnt as close to her as i wanted to be/could have been - and even to this day because of other ppls meddling our relationship is a great source of anxiety and guilt for me.

but i think this is what it is mainly - i know he has had probs, but who doesnt?

socially we are encouraged to conform - we are taaught as we get older that displays of strong emotion arent acceptable - this can lead to some ppl being completely unable to express their emotions - that is worse than your son feeling wha the is feeling, without being made to feel guilty for it. so long as he knows there are boundaries - eg no physical damage should be caused to anything or anyone then let him scream and shout and cry for as long as it takes him to express those emotions - i think you are doing a great job if he is able to express himself and youve prob made up a hundred times over for what happened early on - depression is and illness and you didnt ask for it, if no-one else helped you then what scould you do? you can hardly get through the day let alone identify and ask for help when you ahve post natal depression.

these years for our kids are difficult - i can remebe rit myslef - i was permanently confused and upset - obviously this sort of self talk can lead to depression - but you are able to identify what is wrong with wha the says and to put him straight - your experiences mean you can help him better than anyone, but it is pointless to say that you have caused his problems because what has happened has happened and there is no way of you knowing whether he would have felt like this if his early years would have been different so why beat yourself up - be kind to yourself and teach your son to do the same:hugs:

[gtrgrl3369]

Hello, is there anyway your son could get someone to talk to? Sometimes, even though we are there for them and love them to no end they need someone who will just listen to whatever he needs to get off his chest. It can be very helpful for them My daughter had to see a therapist for awhile when she was younger to help with her anger issues. She went through a very traumatic event and docotrs told me she was to young to remember, they lied. Every year as she got older she got worse. She is great now. Sometimes even kids need someone they can open up to that isnt us, because they feel like they will upset us or hurt our feelings. Keep having patience with him and keep on loving him. I hope everything goes well for you. Take care

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Kez I have a twelve year old son too. I would suggest that you talk to his year tutor or pastoral tutor at school. His behaviour at school might be completely different to home life. Your son is on the brink of adolescence and is probably already experiencing changes in his body and emotions. My son is six foot tall and according to the hospital has alrady finished puberty. I struggled when D was a baby and had to have day case treatment in a psychiatric hospital when he was little. He went to a child minder. I worry that he might have missed out in some way but he seems to be well balanced! Try not to worry chat to the school. If you are still not satisfied then your GP will point you in the direction of any psychiatric services which I'm sure will not be necessary at the moment.

[shotokansho]

Thanks for the replies. He is defo going through puberty and he is already taller than me. I keep trying to tell myself that he is just being a typical boy, maybe he is and maybe I am just being paranoid.
I have actually recently been to his school stangely. The teachers have told me he is a bright and helpful lad and always well behaved. His termly reports are always really good too. Maybe I will take a visit to my GP. But do I take him with me or go alone?

[chrislot]

Regarding tantrums , check out pyroluria. Is he an anxious child?

[PUGLETMUM]

:)my daughter is doing pretty well at school too, and she likes to be liked and she works at that - maybe she cant be herself, for fear of not being liked or popular- but i have always had bad behaviour from her at home - but when shes with her with friends - she is an angel! weve have tried to tackle this issue together, and to try to help her assert herself with friends so shes not permanently frustrated.

i think there is alot of pressure on kids that weve forgotten about (or are glad to not remember!) to be popular and to do well and be at the top, to acheive and succeed, in their world it really is dog eat dog:ohmy: - i cant believe how hard it is from my perspective as an adult who although may not have done wha ti wanted to in life has the maturity to not worry or beat myself up - i think growing up is very very hard - a real long drawn out process from this age till late 20's maybe - for some -including my husband - never!

i think there are times in life when we are all naturally depressed - there are very good reasons to be sad, scared, confused etc - accepting that is better than resisting it and worrying about it and trying to make it go away - it will go away on its own.

you know your son better than anyone - know the signs to look for, for clinical depression and then just try to ge ton with life without being hyper vigilant - becasue of what youve been through in his life you are going to worry more - and it means you care so deeply - but sometimes you can see problems that arent there - like we lose perspective - i dont think he needs to be labelled 'depressed' unless he actually is? depression in its true form is us beating oursleves up, which creates negative habitual thought patterns that then change the actual way the brain works, it is not being down about things that are happening - that is normal - once youve been depressed you are more likely to be depressed again, becasue the mind remembers. i think its key to stop negative thinking, and to give him the tools to do this - but not to label him as depressed?:)

[shotokansho]

Chris...yes I would say he is an anxious child. He worries a lot about the things he has no need to worry about. A while back when all this big bang threory was going on I had a teacher call me from school because he had become very upset. He thought the world was going to explode.
Thanks for that emma. I do appreciate what you are saying, yes kids do have so much pressure, and like your daughter he tries very hard to be liked. Because in primary school he was picked on so much. I haven't labelled him depressed, I don't actually feel that he is. I just wanted other people's thoughts and opinions on his behaviour, because I thought maybe he was showing signs of it.
I do agree that I may be seeing things that aren't actually there...maybe thats something I need to work on :)

[Typer]

Seems life has been pretty tough for you all at some points. Is it possible to ask your GP for a referral to family counselling at all?

[bottleblond]

Kerry

I can so relate to this as you probably know.

My son acts the exact same. He is the most adorable lad yet he goes into the most awful mood and sometimes he doesn't even know the reason himself. As a mum, it's natural for us to blame ourselves and think there is something 'wrong' with them but when all's said and done, your a fantastic mum and you kids adore you so NO you have done nothing wrong hun.

I always thought is was only girls that had hormonal problems when reaching and going through puberty but i have heard so much laterly to the contrary.
Ineed young lads go through the exact same.

Just keep talking to him and let him know how much you love him and i am sure all will be fine.

Love Lisa
xxxx

[ammiemum]

does your sons' school have access to a 'relateen' councillor? [a councillor specifically for teenagers probs from relate],they will probably see him at school, which might be a starting point. A lot of secondary schools now do and it might help him a little untill GP can maybe get somthing organised?

good luck

[PUGLETMUM]

:ohmy:my daugter is 12 in may - weve gone up for counselling as she was having problems with a girl - you know the usual thing - they are all struggling to find their feet - and me and her dad have not got on solidly for a couple of years - she has no other support except me - well she saw her counseller at school and she branded me as weak!!!!!!

which i prob am as well as alot of other things - good and bad - i dont care about what this person has said - but im saying, counsellors are ppl too - sometimes they arent even very good a their jobs.

my daughter has a casual freind - th egirls a bit argumentative, selfish and awkward - ive seen it myself when shes been here or been out with us -and her mum and dad are pretty weird - they live ina big house in an affluent area - but they got upset yesterday that my daughter was bouncing a blow up dice on their kitchen floor - then they told her off for back chatting and the mum said she would slap the daughter infront of my daughter if she said her dad was being awkward again!!!!! these ppl havent put their daughter up for counselling, becasue they dont have any awareness of the consequence of their actions - ive put my daughter forward and i get labelled as weak!:shrug: -sometimes we can have too much awareness - too much worrying that we are doing damage - we arent. we care and we care deeply - i think thats enough:yesyes: