rckclmbr
20-04-10, 05:23
Hi, everyone! I've been lurking here for awhile and finally joined. My story is really too long for anyone to want to read, so I will sum it up, hopefully:
I'm 28. I've had health anxiety since I was little - having a lump on my femur that was first diagnosed as a "bone spur" and years later diagnosed as an actual tumor (it ended up being benign). I've had experiences that have really reinforced my fears -- my grandmother was sick for a few days with what she thought was the flu, went to the doctor, and it turned out to be pancreatic cancer so she had surgery, nearly immediately had a stroke, and died soon after -- my grandfather was doing fine and then one day turned orange (bad) -- my dad, who was 50 and healthy, went out for a run and died unexpectedly -- my mom had surgery, got dizzy, and it turned out to be a pulmonary embolism (thank God she's okay though).
So I have had these experiences that have kind of cemented this idea in my head that illness hides and then randomly, shockingly pops up and ends up being some horrible, deadly thing.
I also suffer from depression and bad IBS.
In the past year, I finally started seeing a psychiatrist and have tried almost every medication imaginable -- SSRIs, SNRIs, GABA stuff, mood stabilizers, off-label things, tranquilizers, etc. -- all to no avail. I have what they call "treatment resistant depression".
This past summer, I had a REALLY bad time with my depression. I also began to get recurrent UTIs for no reason and so I was on antibiotics basically from August until December. In December I got really sick with a stomach thing - they thought it might be colitis or C Diff from the antibiotics and since Flagyl wasn't working, they decided to do an upper endoscopy and a colonoscopy to check for things like Crohn's and colitis and other IBD type stuff.
The colonoscopy was fine except for a "low risk precancerous polyp" which was horrifying to me since I am only 28.
So through that illness, I lost a LOT of weight because I couldn't eat. I had no energy. All I could do was sleep. And I had a low-grade fever.
Eventually the stomach stuff calmed down enough to where I could eat solid foods again, but my IBS changed and has been worse ever since.
Anyway, tired of going through all of the starting and stopping of different medications and their awful side effects, my psychiatrist got me into a research study for ECT b/c she said ECT was 90% effective and was safe and was no longer just a "last option".
IT WAS AWFUL. (for me)
I had to get chest x-rays, spine x-rays, a brain CT, EKG, etc. before the ECT stuff and all of those things came back normal.
For the treatments, I was in the hospital for a week, during which time my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't eat much of anything, and my IBS was acting up, and the treatments were making it so that I couldn't remember anything (except for remembering that I was actually wide awake when the paralytic took effect BEFORE the anesthesia and remember the actual jolt of the ECT).
So here I am now - I dropped out of the ECT study after three treatments (you're supposed to get 8-12) and am dedicated to going back to finding a medication and doing therapy.
I have lost 20+ pounds since that illness in December.
Recently I've been having problems with UTIs again and was sent for a CT of my abdomen and pelvis. Essentially normal except for a large ovarian cyst and diverticulosis (which freaks me out).
I've been hypothyroid for over a year and now in the last several months I've been close to HYPERthyroid -- with my latest test from last week showing that I was indeed now hyperthyroid.
Hyperthyroid means increased anxiety, and a worsening of my already nagging tachycardia.
I continue to suffer spells of feeling like I have NO energy, feeling sick to my stomach, having no appetite, having hot flashes, feeling basically poisoned.
My doctor doesn't take me seriously because she knows I have health anxiety, and tends to blame everything on that.
She did, however, do a full CBC and thyroid test on me last week. She called and said the results were normal and that she was sending me a copy in the mail.
I got the copy in the mail and it wasn't actually "normal" at all:
it showed my white blood cell count was 3.9 when it should be AT LEAST 4.0.
Still, she said it was "okay" and wouldn't explain to me anything about why it would be low or what it meant.
It also showed my TSH was .2 (when it should be between .5 and 4.5) ...
So basically, I am terrified. I am terrified that I have some horrible disease - autoimmune or cancer - and that we're missing it because she doesn't take me seriously.
I don't want to die. And I am so, so, so tired of feeling so physically ill all the time. I understand some of it is anxiety - I do - but I am 99.9% sure there is also something else going on.
I'm scared.
I feel alone.
None of my friends are talking to me because they all have lives and I have been too ill to hang out lately.
I just feel absolutely doomed.
I just want to know what's wrong with me, and start treating it!
I just want to feel better physically.
I am so defeated.
And I'm sorry this post is so long.
:(
I'm 28. I've had health anxiety since I was little - having a lump on my femur that was first diagnosed as a "bone spur" and years later diagnosed as an actual tumor (it ended up being benign). I've had experiences that have really reinforced my fears -- my grandmother was sick for a few days with what she thought was the flu, went to the doctor, and it turned out to be pancreatic cancer so she had surgery, nearly immediately had a stroke, and died soon after -- my grandfather was doing fine and then one day turned orange (bad) -- my dad, who was 50 and healthy, went out for a run and died unexpectedly -- my mom had surgery, got dizzy, and it turned out to be a pulmonary embolism (thank God she's okay though).
So I have had these experiences that have kind of cemented this idea in my head that illness hides and then randomly, shockingly pops up and ends up being some horrible, deadly thing.
I also suffer from depression and bad IBS.
In the past year, I finally started seeing a psychiatrist and have tried almost every medication imaginable -- SSRIs, SNRIs, GABA stuff, mood stabilizers, off-label things, tranquilizers, etc. -- all to no avail. I have what they call "treatment resistant depression".
This past summer, I had a REALLY bad time with my depression. I also began to get recurrent UTIs for no reason and so I was on antibiotics basically from August until December. In December I got really sick with a stomach thing - they thought it might be colitis or C Diff from the antibiotics and since Flagyl wasn't working, they decided to do an upper endoscopy and a colonoscopy to check for things like Crohn's and colitis and other IBD type stuff.
The colonoscopy was fine except for a "low risk precancerous polyp" which was horrifying to me since I am only 28.
So through that illness, I lost a LOT of weight because I couldn't eat. I had no energy. All I could do was sleep. And I had a low-grade fever.
Eventually the stomach stuff calmed down enough to where I could eat solid foods again, but my IBS changed and has been worse ever since.
Anyway, tired of going through all of the starting and stopping of different medications and their awful side effects, my psychiatrist got me into a research study for ECT b/c she said ECT was 90% effective and was safe and was no longer just a "last option".
IT WAS AWFUL. (for me)
I had to get chest x-rays, spine x-rays, a brain CT, EKG, etc. before the ECT stuff and all of those things came back normal.
For the treatments, I was in the hospital for a week, during which time my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't eat much of anything, and my IBS was acting up, and the treatments were making it so that I couldn't remember anything (except for remembering that I was actually wide awake when the paralytic took effect BEFORE the anesthesia and remember the actual jolt of the ECT).
So here I am now - I dropped out of the ECT study after three treatments (you're supposed to get 8-12) and am dedicated to going back to finding a medication and doing therapy.
I have lost 20+ pounds since that illness in December.
Recently I've been having problems with UTIs again and was sent for a CT of my abdomen and pelvis. Essentially normal except for a large ovarian cyst and diverticulosis (which freaks me out).
I've been hypothyroid for over a year and now in the last several months I've been close to HYPERthyroid -- with my latest test from last week showing that I was indeed now hyperthyroid.
Hyperthyroid means increased anxiety, and a worsening of my already nagging tachycardia.
I continue to suffer spells of feeling like I have NO energy, feeling sick to my stomach, having no appetite, having hot flashes, feeling basically poisoned.
My doctor doesn't take me seriously because she knows I have health anxiety, and tends to blame everything on that.
She did, however, do a full CBC and thyroid test on me last week. She called and said the results were normal and that she was sending me a copy in the mail.
I got the copy in the mail and it wasn't actually "normal" at all:
it showed my white blood cell count was 3.9 when it should be AT LEAST 4.0.
Still, she said it was "okay" and wouldn't explain to me anything about why it would be low or what it meant.
It also showed my TSH was .2 (when it should be between .5 and 4.5) ...
So basically, I am terrified. I am terrified that I have some horrible disease - autoimmune or cancer - and that we're missing it because she doesn't take me seriously.
I don't want to die. And I am so, so, so tired of feeling so physically ill all the time. I understand some of it is anxiety - I do - but I am 99.9% sure there is also something else going on.
I'm scared.
I feel alone.
None of my friends are talking to me because they all have lives and I have been too ill to hang out lately.
I just feel absolutely doomed.
I just want to know what's wrong with me, and start treating it!
I just want to feel better physically.
I am so defeated.
And I'm sorry this post is so long.
:(