Feel like im a useless failure.

[Granny Primark]

Im so down at the mo. The samaritans must be fed up of me.
I act as tho im coping but im not.
My family probs would even make jeremy kyle and his side kick graham squirm.
A few weeks ago I promised to look after my sons daughter. At the time I didnt feel up to it either physically or mentally.
I got a txt message off him saying that I was a failure as a mum and failure as a nanny.
This morning I realised I couldnt keep this up.
I rang down the doctors and luckily I was fortunate enuf to see a lovely caring doctor. She spent almost an hour talking to me and my hubby about my depression.
She wouldnt tell me my bpressure reading but I know it was high cus she took it 4 times.
Im back on antidepressants but just wish it didnt take a couple of weeks before they kick in.
Ive got horrible morbid thoughts cus im constantly getting reminded that my mums sisters died at the age of 25 and 42 and my mum age 60.
Im 56 next month so I feel im counting down the weeks and months til I go the crem!
Ive got no money worries and ive got a brill hubby. So why the hell am I letting everything get me down?
I feel guilty for everything. Cant go work, cant go shopping on my own, even having to post on here cus im feeling so depressed.
Sympathy is the last thing I want. Perhaps its a kick up the backside to help me get out of this rut im in.

[Loraine]

Know how your feeling, im there right now waiting for my meds to start working, at the mo they are making me feel worse and today has been particulary bad feel frightened to go out, been off work sick for 2 weeks now and the thought of going back fills me with terror just remember your not alone:hugs:

[ElizabethJane]

Lynn I'm so sorry that the depression is hitting hard for you especially as you have had a time of being well. Depression is a cruel illness but fortunately you will get better. It might take some time but you are not letting anyone down because of it. At the moment you need some tlc and support from all of us. Morbid thoughts about death are all part of depression. My own mother died aged 61 and I think about it constantly. I don't let it get me down though. I empathise it is hard but you will pull through it. Post all you like that is what nnp is here for

[Bluebelle]

Hi
I am sorry that you are suffering- depression is cruel . You are a tremendous person- very caring and kind. I can see in your posts you give so much of yourself to your family and others - this can be exhausting. I think this is a good time for you to take some time for yourself and treat yourself as you would treat one of us going through this low time.

Family can be the best or the worst can't they ? I know how that can be- you always have a family of love and support at NMP.

Take Care Love-BB

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs:like others have said depression is a horrible illness - you are ill and you need to take care of yourself the same way you would if you were physically sick - you wouldnt beat yourself up if you were physically unwell? dont feel ashamed, and im sorry that your son has been harsh on you - it is the saddest thing that ppl who are suffering from depression are also badly treated at times by others, take carexxxxx

[margaret jones]

Lynn poor you feeling so low you have been so well and when i first joined last yr your quotes and jokes made me laugh so much i am sure you helped me cope .I feel alot better at the moment so i am sure you will to , just keep posting and come into chat ,remember we are all here for you like you where and still are for us .

Take Care Maggie

[Maj]

Lynn I'm sorry you feel so low, but please don't beat yourself up about it! You are not a useless failure. You are a lovely person suffering from anxiety and depression - there's no shame here. Also, don't puzzle why you feel like this because it affects people from all walks of life, regardless of how "lucky" we feel. It's an illness like any other. You'll get your strength back again. I'm in my 50's and I went through a period a while back where I kept thinking that time was running out! I think it may be part and parcel of mid-life. I don't feel as bad now though so it did pass. I think you think more negative thoughts when you are low. Don't despair. You'll get over this blip again. You are blessed also with a sense of humour because the Jeremy Kyle reference made me laugh.
Take care
Myra x:hugs:

[sb001f8994]

Hi Lynn,
Sorry your feeling down, sending you many hugs.
Families are a nightmare sometimes arent they? I feel I only see my grandchildren when we are required as baby sitters. My son rarely visits with the kids unless they are leaving them over night. This in turn makes me feel used. And if on the very rare occasion I say Im busy Im called an uncaring nan! Our children take us for granted and can be quite selfish if things dont go their way. I think they think we should be at their beck and call, jump to their tunes and basically do as they please and not as we do! In saying that I love my kids to bits and dont they know it!!! However we do have to draw bounderies and we do need 'me' time. And if that means sometimes upsetting their little worlds then so be it. They should aknowledge that we too need a life and it doesnt always revolve round them!
Im very good at writing all this down but not so good at putting it into practice, Im always there to be chief baby sitter, bank manager, relate therapist and hotel manager when their relationships fall apart, like millions of other parents out there!!!
Goodness this is turning into a rant and its not about me!
Lynn I hope after seeing the doctor and going on medication things will sort themselves out. You are such a lovely caring nan, you always put your family first and now need some time for yourself with your lovely hubby.
Take good care, very best wishes sent to you.

[shotokansho]

Hi Lynn I'm really sorry you are feeling low at the moment. I have always had a lot of wonderful and helpful advice from you in the past. You are an amazing person so please try not to feel so bad about yourself. I know that's easier said than done hun. I'm sending you great big hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) and kisses and hope to see you feeling better very soon (which you will.)

Huggles :hugs: Kez xx

[london]

if your a failure he wont want nothing off you so tell him to push off
dont stand this junk off him

[oneofus]

Hi G P,

Now then! How can you be a failure, I scramble to get two or three replies to any of my threads. You're so much more succcessful than I am.

As for the morbid thoughts, that is depression talking and you know that, not that that helps (is that enough thats ?). Your GP probably did not tell you your BP becuase she knew (or he of course) that you'd worry about it the more if she did. If it was seriously problematic she would have done something about there and then.

As for this son of yours text him back and say "Ok, but I love you still and when you need me I'll be here for you". Water on a fire is always better than petrol.

Ok! Is that enough of kick up your backside?

Lots of love

[Redrainbow]

From what i know of you Lynn your a really nice person, and everyone here knows so too. People don't always mean what they say,,or text. Your a really nice person and don't ever believe your not. It will all get better one day really it will.. Hey,, it better cause that's what i keep telling myself anyway,,lol.

[onceagain]

Hey Lynn

I'm sorry to hear that the family have got you all upset again..

I'm with Carol, it is because you have been such a good mum and nan that they get all puffy when you have a lull moment.. don't let it get to you..

I hope you feel better soon .. and I'm sure that once your son calmed down he felt awful for saying such a thing..

Biggest hugs to you and hope you are back to your usual chatty self soon x

[greig]

Hi Lynn

I have felt every emotion you are going through and it IS the illness not you. Do not let anyone think you are any worse than they are because you are not.
Depression is hard, one of the hardest things life can throw at you, but you will get better soon.

[agnes]

A huge hug to you GP. You are such a lovely lady and, as everyone else has said, so supportive to people on here. And your sense of humour is brilliant.

Lots of love to you

[Hel_is_heaven]

I'm really glad you have a supportive GP, a lot of people don't have that.
You are not a failure, wanna know why, because you dont let your depression beat you, you are still surviving through and that in itself makes u brave and strong - even if you dont feel it.
The thing is about anxiety sufferers is that our blood pressure is high when we are stressed. I had my blood pressure taken by the GP, who said hmm its a bit high, <I panicked my head off at this point>, then she said oh no I've just looked at your previous blood pressure results and actually that's normal for you because of your anxiety.
So actually although my blood pressure is high when in the doctors, they dont need to do/say anything because its only high as I was panicking!

Just remember you have lots of people who love you on here and around you.
Love and luck
Helen x

P.S Depression is an ILLNESS, its not something we can shrug off or get over.

[Dawn2]

Lynn I've known you for quite some time.YOU ARE NOT A USELESS FAILURE!
You have an illness which you have battled and won before and I have no doubt that you will do so again.
Your son will soon crawl back if he's anything like my lot. Like most mothers you and I have the same tattoo that say's MUG.
If you need me my email addy is dawnisamadbat@aol.com and I will gladly give you my mobile number if you want it.
Take Care

[Worrier]

Hey Lynn,

Honestly those kids are the ones that need a good kick up the backside. First of all where do they get off thinking that they can talk to you like that. Do they have no respect at all?? I know for sure you taught them better than that and honestly no decent person would ever say those things to their parents, even if they thought it, they would never say it.

I agree with the post above telling you to text back saying you still love them and will be there for them. Kindness kills you know. Sometimes people like your son need a good lesson, smacked right in their faces, to show them how much they need and rely on you and if you weren't around they would be so sorry. Believe me I live so far away from my mum and dad and just wish sometimes I could reach out and see or be with them, but I can't.

Hang in there matey, you are a great person, kind, loving, caring, always worrying about others before yourself. You can't change their ridiculous behaviour or opinions but as long as you are confident in the actions you take and the things that you do, then its okay. Just look in the mirror everyday and remind yourself who you are, what you stand for, that you have good morals, that you are kind and giving and unselfish and if they can't see that it is THEIR problem, not yours.

Nobody deserves the kind of crap and heartache they give you.

Take care
Natalie xx

[leony]

Hey grannyprimark know how u feel sometimes think ur just an unpaid babysitter i always say to my children now i love u but i don't always lke u, they just take it 4 granted u will do it i say no now when i've had enough, then i get i never ask you for anything but my daughter never seems to be done asking i no longer feel guilty. My mum who's 76 always said i brought mine up by myself you can do the same i thought it was hard at the time but know where she's coming from now.

[Granny Primark]

Thanks for your good wishes and support.:hugs:
I just wish id have gone and got help sooner instead of struggling on.
I hope in a few weeks to be getting better and be able to give my family their old mum back. They need me and I certainly need them.
My daughter took me out for the day yesterday and commented that shed never seen me so anxious.
No wonder! I thought I was being driven by Jenson Button!!!!!:winks:
I told her to slow down and she said she was only going 20mph.:)
My daughters getting worried that im losing too much weight and that il be borrowing her clothes.:winks:
Thanks again.

[MOJO]

Hello Lynn!
I've just seen your post now. I'm really sorry you're having a tough time just now (I know you said you don't need sympathy but I reckon you deserve some!). You have helped me in the past when I felt really bad and it helped a lot. You are always come across as being so kind and caring in your replies to everyone.
Your son obviously doesn't realize how lucky he is to have a wonderful mum like you. I'm sure he will eventually come running back when he thinks about what he said and how unfair it was.
I'm glad your hubbie is so supportive. He sounds lovely.
I hope the meds kick in soon and that you feel a bit more positive. I see from your last post that your humour is still kicking about there!
Take care. Judy.xxxx:hugs:

[bellalew]

:hugs:your not a failure in any sense of the word hun,kids can be so selfish at times i know iv 4,and trying to keep them all happy is hard,i bet lots of times youv sed yes and meant no,but helped anyway?dont let it get you down dear,if they cant get what they want at times they spit their dummy out,if anyone should feel bad its your son,not taking time to see how mum is feeling,you need time out to feel better and no matter what, take that time,when we get older we need time for what ever reason,we have brought them up,given them solid ground to walk on,we cant always be available when it suites them,what would they do if we wernt here? theyd survive you dont need to worry!!.my lot had a shock when on my 53rd birthday last week,this is my time for enjoyment now and weather they liked it or not,lump it!!,ill help when i can but if icant i wont,simple as that,so you hold your head up,your a mum and a nan in a million,so say all of us.xxxxxxx.

[mad4it]

Your story feels so similar so dont ever feel you are alone. At the minute i am fighting off the need to go back to the doc for anti depressants which i thought i had seen the last of 5 yrs ago but it literally has come down to its me or 'it'. The one thing i acomplished lately is getting angry with my condition and the people around me who 'prob without knowing' keep me in this state. Its time to care about you, to realise you did a good job with your kids and now its my time. Time to let yourself off the hook. We all have it in us to try and fight this thing and what could really happen if we try. Stay strong. xx