bluejosh
20-04-10, 15:05
Hi there
When I was 19 I had a terrifying experience on Ecstacy when a panic attack kicked in and I genuinely thought I was going to die. However, the feelings subsided, that very evening, and I went on to enjoy the night. The next day I thought I had almost died, didn't know at that point what a panic attack was, although strangely I wasn't that fussed and thought I had a close call but that was it really. A few weeks later I travelled to Malaysia to see my then girlfriend. My Ecstacy experience was a distant memory at that point. I had a really bad cold when I flew across there but overall was happy and excited about the trip. After a few days abroad I woke up one morning and felt very strange. It was a sensation i had never experienced before and the only way I could describe it was that it felt like I wasn't quite there and that I was somehow disconnected from reality. A few days turned into weeks and after I had long since returned home I was still really distressed at these feelings of not being quite right. The only times I did feel right was when I had enjoyed a few drinks. These feelings soon developed a more sinister side as I found that I couldn't go into supermarkets or shopping centres, night clubs or airports without developing the sensation of unreality, and also now sweating palms, palpitations and a fear that i was going to keel over and die. I had countless trips to doctors where they diagnosed me with being run down or having a virus. I knew deep down they were wrong and that they were missing something. I lost my girlfriend and became detached from my family who wondered what was going on with me. I was plagued by horrible thoughts about killing people close to me. That I would loose control and physically lash out at my friends and family. I would spend hours awake at night tossing and turning, worrying about these thoughts that would constantly bother me. My life was not much fun, I was constantly self monitoring and was forever on edge.
After many long hours of internet research I eventually found out about something called Panic Disorder. Reading through the symptons it was like a ray of light coming through the clouds. At last, I might have found what is wrong with me and therefore I might be able to start to get better. I went to see my GP, told him about what I had read and how it matched my symptons and he referred me to a Psychiatrist. The Psychiatrist, saw me for about 10 minutes, diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and prescribed me a course of 20mg of Paroxetine to be taken daily. I told my Mother about the diagnosis and the prescription but she didn't seem to want to listen. I think she was too shocked at what i was saying so chose to ignore it, probably hoping it would go away on it's own. Regardless, I took the pills with gusto, desperate to see some sign of improvement. Whether it was the placebo effect kicking straight in I don't know but I started to feel better almost immediately. After almost 4 years of torture I was back! I got a new job in a London Ad Agency and was getting back to my popular old self. Sure I put on quite a bit of weight but that was a small price to pay for my sanity. Thngs carried on as they were for around 4 years. I was always a little ashamed of the fact I had to take "happy pills" to function but the doctors were happy to keep prescribing them and so I figured that was better than the alternative. I never really got my old self back 100% however, the confidence and self esteem had been eroded to such an extent that my previous attitude and positive outlook would never be quite what it was. People change through life however so that was not the end of the world.
I decided in 2002 that i would try and come off the tablets so weaned myself down. However, the old symptons came back, despite trying alternatives such as Kava Kava etc, so i reluctantly went back on the Paroxetine. This was vey frustrating and I felt like a failure but anything was better than those horrendous symptons.
I had always had the ambition to go travelling so made the decision that in 2003 I would go for it. Despite my illness I was determined to do it and so booked my ticket and resigned at the back end of 2002. In Jan 2003 my travelling colleague announced he would not be joining me. I was terrified and felt really let down. However, if I pulled out now I knew that I would regret it so on the 3rd of Feb 2003 I flew off on my adventure.
The trip was an unmitigated success. As I was always on medication I sometimes feel that i didn't quite get the natural highs and excitment that i may have got without the tablets but overall it was something I will always treasure.
When I returned home at the back end of 2003 I got a new job and settled back into my old life. I had a child and got married all within two years of my return. On the outside life was great but on the inside I still didn't feel right and struggled to come off the medication. I was switched onto a drug called Citalopram which was supposed to be easier to come off and I slowly weaned myself down to around 5mg a day.
There was a new sympton though which I had started to develop which had begun to bother me. Whilst the panic and anxiety had subsided a little, I was no longer scared of the physical symptons, I had noticed I had begun to feel a little fidgety. I couldn't sit still without getting an urge to move my hands as if I was playing the piano. I kept wanting to shrug my shoulders, extend my arms and twist my neck around. I felt the urge to blink. These symptons became worse and worse over the next 2 or 3 years and I became quite concerned about them. They were at best awkward and embarrassing but at worst painful and distressing. I went to see a neurologist about them but he said there was nothing wrong with my brain function and ruled out any chronic conditions. He did think that it could perhaps be a side effect of the medication, as I had been on it for so long, and that I could perhaps try and wean myself off again. No real answers but something to work on.
I manged to wean myself off the medication and by July 2008 was drug free. I actually felt OK initially. Was a little apprehensive but not too bad. Also my twitching and jerking symptons seemed to have subsided a bit so that was good. I went on holiday with the family, now two children, and I started to feel a little uneasy. My old friend 'unreality' was back and I was constantly feeling disconnected from everything. I tried my best to let it run over me, to stop it bothering me but it was always there, hanging around in the background. I decided to persevere though and once I was back at home and in the usual routine things weren't too bad. I decided to try taking a supplement, called 5 HTP, which I had read works a little but it didn't have much effect. I was starting to experience panic attacks again, which were more annoying than anything else, but the unreality thing was really getting to me. I tried to talk to my wife about my problems but she was struggling at the time through lack of sleep and looking after our youngest daughter so she would dismiss me and say there was nothing wrong with me. This made me resent her hugely. Our relationship continued to deteriorate and I felt I had no-one to turn to. Again anxiety was ruining my life. All along I had this nagging feeling that the one ecstacy tablet had somehow changed my life for the worse and that I was going to be stuggling constantly. I occasionally had suicidal feelings although I never really seriously considered it as an option. I started seeing a CBT therapist at the back end of 2008 and she helped a little. I explained my worries about permanent damage to my brain but she said it was unlikely and that I just needed to change my thought habits. I tried this and it worked to a certain degree. The only issue now was this crippling tension and jerky movements through my body. Still these were there and actually getting worse, not better. I felt I could no longer deal without help so decided that I should go back on medication. I am back on 20mg of citalopram daily and the panic symptons and unreality have gone but I am now back to the lack of any real emotion in my life and therefore lack of genuine pleasure. I am also still plagued by these jerking and movement symptons. The Psychologist and Psychiatrist seem to have few answers apart from relaxation techniques which offer little relief. Some days it's fine and others it's a real struggle - there seems to be no agenda or pattern which in some ways makes it even more frustrating.
I am not sure quite what the point of me writing all this down with. Perhaps someone will recognise the symptons, might be able to offer some ideas on mediaction, treatment or supplements. Are there any tests you can do which can measure the physiologial make up in the brain, if there has been permanent damage, what my dopamine and serotonin levels are? If I knew that then perhaps I could come to terms with things better and think about moving forward. Are these jerking and twitching symptons normal for anxiety? What can help them? Any ideas and theories gratefully received.
Other people who are feeling despondent might like to know that my life is not all bad - I am the father of two beautiful daughters, have my own business in the advertising industry and do my best to get out there and enjoy things. Some days we don't feel like it but we have to keep trying.
Josh
When I was 19 I had a terrifying experience on Ecstacy when a panic attack kicked in and I genuinely thought I was going to die. However, the feelings subsided, that very evening, and I went on to enjoy the night. The next day I thought I had almost died, didn't know at that point what a panic attack was, although strangely I wasn't that fussed and thought I had a close call but that was it really. A few weeks later I travelled to Malaysia to see my then girlfriend. My Ecstacy experience was a distant memory at that point. I had a really bad cold when I flew across there but overall was happy and excited about the trip. After a few days abroad I woke up one morning and felt very strange. It was a sensation i had never experienced before and the only way I could describe it was that it felt like I wasn't quite there and that I was somehow disconnected from reality. A few days turned into weeks and after I had long since returned home I was still really distressed at these feelings of not being quite right. The only times I did feel right was when I had enjoyed a few drinks. These feelings soon developed a more sinister side as I found that I couldn't go into supermarkets or shopping centres, night clubs or airports without developing the sensation of unreality, and also now sweating palms, palpitations and a fear that i was going to keel over and die. I had countless trips to doctors where they diagnosed me with being run down or having a virus. I knew deep down they were wrong and that they were missing something. I lost my girlfriend and became detached from my family who wondered what was going on with me. I was plagued by horrible thoughts about killing people close to me. That I would loose control and physically lash out at my friends and family. I would spend hours awake at night tossing and turning, worrying about these thoughts that would constantly bother me. My life was not much fun, I was constantly self monitoring and was forever on edge.
After many long hours of internet research I eventually found out about something called Panic Disorder. Reading through the symptons it was like a ray of light coming through the clouds. At last, I might have found what is wrong with me and therefore I might be able to start to get better. I went to see my GP, told him about what I had read and how it matched my symptons and he referred me to a Psychiatrist. The Psychiatrist, saw me for about 10 minutes, diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and prescribed me a course of 20mg of Paroxetine to be taken daily. I told my Mother about the diagnosis and the prescription but she didn't seem to want to listen. I think she was too shocked at what i was saying so chose to ignore it, probably hoping it would go away on it's own. Regardless, I took the pills with gusto, desperate to see some sign of improvement. Whether it was the placebo effect kicking straight in I don't know but I started to feel better almost immediately. After almost 4 years of torture I was back! I got a new job in a London Ad Agency and was getting back to my popular old self. Sure I put on quite a bit of weight but that was a small price to pay for my sanity. Thngs carried on as they were for around 4 years. I was always a little ashamed of the fact I had to take "happy pills" to function but the doctors were happy to keep prescribing them and so I figured that was better than the alternative. I never really got my old self back 100% however, the confidence and self esteem had been eroded to such an extent that my previous attitude and positive outlook would never be quite what it was. People change through life however so that was not the end of the world.
I decided in 2002 that i would try and come off the tablets so weaned myself down. However, the old symptons came back, despite trying alternatives such as Kava Kava etc, so i reluctantly went back on the Paroxetine. This was vey frustrating and I felt like a failure but anything was better than those horrendous symptons.
I had always had the ambition to go travelling so made the decision that in 2003 I would go for it. Despite my illness I was determined to do it and so booked my ticket and resigned at the back end of 2002. In Jan 2003 my travelling colleague announced he would not be joining me. I was terrified and felt really let down. However, if I pulled out now I knew that I would regret it so on the 3rd of Feb 2003 I flew off on my adventure.
The trip was an unmitigated success. As I was always on medication I sometimes feel that i didn't quite get the natural highs and excitment that i may have got without the tablets but overall it was something I will always treasure.
When I returned home at the back end of 2003 I got a new job and settled back into my old life. I had a child and got married all within two years of my return. On the outside life was great but on the inside I still didn't feel right and struggled to come off the medication. I was switched onto a drug called Citalopram which was supposed to be easier to come off and I slowly weaned myself down to around 5mg a day.
There was a new sympton though which I had started to develop which had begun to bother me. Whilst the panic and anxiety had subsided a little, I was no longer scared of the physical symptons, I had noticed I had begun to feel a little fidgety. I couldn't sit still without getting an urge to move my hands as if I was playing the piano. I kept wanting to shrug my shoulders, extend my arms and twist my neck around. I felt the urge to blink. These symptons became worse and worse over the next 2 or 3 years and I became quite concerned about them. They were at best awkward and embarrassing but at worst painful and distressing. I went to see a neurologist about them but he said there was nothing wrong with my brain function and ruled out any chronic conditions. He did think that it could perhaps be a side effect of the medication, as I had been on it for so long, and that I could perhaps try and wean myself off again. No real answers but something to work on.
I manged to wean myself off the medication and by July 2008 was drug free. I actually felt OK initially. Was a little apprehensive but not too bad. Also my twitching and jerking symptons seemed to have subsided a bit so that was good. I went on holiday with the family, now two children, and I started to feel a little uneasy. My old friend 'unreality' was back and I was constantly feeling disconnected from everything. I tried my best to let it run over me, to stop it bothering me but it was always there, hanging around in the background. I decided to persevere though and once I was back at home and in the usual routine things weren't too bad. I decided to try taking a supplement, called 5 HTP, which I had read works a little but it didn't have much effect. I was starting to experience panic attacks again, which were more annoying than anything else, but the unreality thing was really getting to me. I tried to talk to my wife about my problems but she was struggling at the time through lack of sleep and looking after our youngest daughter so she would dismiss me and say there was nothing wrong with me. This made me resent her hugely. Our relationship continued to deteriorate and I felt I had no-one to turn to. Again anxiety was ruining my life. All along I had this nagging feeling that the one ecstacy tablet had somehow changed my life for the worse and that I was going to be stuggling constantly. I occasionally had suicidal feelings although I never really seriously considered it as an option. I started seeing a CBT therapist at the back end of 2008 and she helped a little. I explained my worries about permanent damage to my brain but she said it was unlikely and that I just needed to change my thought habits. I tried this and it worked to a certain degree. The only issue now was this crippling tension and jerky movements through my body. Still these were there and actually getting worse, not better. I felt I could no longer deal without help so decided that I should go back on medication. I am back on 20mg of citalopram daily and the panic symptons and unreality have gone but I am now back to the lack of any real emotion in my life and therefore lack of genuine pleasure. I am also still plagued by these jerking and movement symptons. The Psychologist and Psychiatrist seem to have few answers apart from relaxation techniques which offer little relief. Some days it's fine and others it's a real struggle - there seems to be no agenda or pattern which in some ways makes it even more frustrating.
I am not sure quite what the point of me writing all this down with. Perhaps someone will recognise the symptons, might be able to offer some ideas on mediaction, treatment or supplements. Are there any tests you can do which can measure the physiologial make up in the brain, if there has been permanent damage, what my dopamine and serotonin levels are? If I knew that then perhaps I could come to terms with things better and think about moving forward. Are these jerking and twitching symptons normal for anxiety? What can help them? Any ideas and theories gratefully received.
Other people who are feeling despondent might like to know that my life is not all bad - I am the father of two beautiful daughters, have my own business in the advertising industry and do my best to get out there and enjoy things. Some days we don't feel like it but we have to keep trying.
Josh