Huge fear of death :(

[wkraitgihet]

Im a 19 year old girl and for the past few months i've been struggling with a huge fear of dying.
It started when the 1 year anniversary of my grandmothers death came around. At the time of her death I don't really think it had sunk in but recently it really upsets me as I was really close to her.

Now its starting to get out of control. I have a lovely partner who tries his hardest to understand and help me with what i'm going through but he just doesn't understand how hard it is and how horrible it feels :(

I have started not sleeping, and although i have never been a hugely great sleeper I am now surviving on 1, maybe 2 hours sleep per night as i'm terrified that by going to sleep I won't wake up, also I cannot sleep at all at my flat, I have to stay at my boyfriends before I can get to sleep and even then it is hard. I just randomly burst into tears when I am with him because I get to thinking that one day I won't exist anymore and I won't be able to enjoy spending time with him as i won't be here, I know its silly and I should be enjoying the time I have with him now.

Though I don't get panic attacks as such I find when i'm thinking about it that it does become harder for me to breathe and my chest tightens and it feels hard to swallow etc. I also worry that every lump or bump is something terrible and that every little twinge or pain i get is going to be something which will cause me to die, and i am terrified that i will get told by the doctor that i have a terminal illness and i only have a short amount of time to live. How i would tell people, what i would do with the time. It all really scares me.
im in my first year at university, and had to move over 200 miles to go to the uni i am at, which was hard for me as I do suffer badly from homesickness. I am also studying forensic science, which I really enjoy but it puts you very close to death and i havent yet found the part of me which can separate the academic brain and the personal brain so they merge together and make things worse

I was just wondering if other people are like this and how they deal with it? :(

[andrea thompson]

hiya hon

i have been there and had all those symptoms. you are dwelling on negetive thoughts because you are anxious. you need rest. if you havent already go and see a dr. i have found medication gives you a break from the symptoms and lets you rest and recover enough to get back on track. dont be afraid you are going to be fine. everyone has these fears i am sure but some of us cant get over the fear.

my advice would be discuss this with your dr. you are going to be fine. think about all the silly things you have worried about and then they have all turned out fine. remind yourself of this when you are panicking. also i have come to a point were i have thought i am not going to live my life worrying about when i die... i want to enjoy my life and i am determined to beat this. positive thinking always.

you will be fine hon and you will get loads of help on here.

take care x x

[wkraitgihet]

Hi Andrea. Thankyou so much for the reply

I've beent rying so hard recently to be strong and think of all the positive things, just at times when youre alone it gets hard.
I am going to make an appointment to see my doctor in the next couple weeks and hopefully that will help somewhat :)
This website looks fab, never thought of joining anything like this until i saw it on google. fabulous:)

Thanks again
Katie xxx

[lior]

hey
that does sound really scary. i have been suicidal in the past so i was pretty much the opposite of you. figuring out how you feel about death is a big part of living. what you are going through now will lead you to make a conclusion about it eventually. in your own time, you will find your own ideas about life and death. this phase you are going through will lead on to a happier time with sound sleep and wonderful times with your boyfriend that won't be tainted with fear :)
i would advise you from personal experience to use medication as a last resort. lots of people on this website swear by it, but that's because lots of us are drugged up! everyone has to find what's right for them. however, as a young woman, you must be aware that drugs affect your hormone balance hugely and can have all sorts of side effects. perhaps try councelling before taking medication.
i have every faith that in time you will get to grips with the issue of death, and it will no longer frighten you. good luck with getting there x

[agnes]

Aw, bless you...I know so well how you're feeling, I've been in that very same place so many times. You will get over these thoughts, you really will. It seems that you've had a lot of changes in your life over the past year, which will make you less sure of things and more prone to worry. As Andrea said, do have a chat with your GP as I'm sure s/he will be able to help you through this period.

[wkraitgihet]

Wow, so much amazing advice already ! Thankyou to both of you for your replies, it makes so uch sense and i can see a light at the end of the tunnel, i just need to get through this bad time.

I am going to speak to the doctor about how he feels with me talking to the university councillors there are on campus, I have a feeling that its just a big culmination of everything negative coming to a head. I think that with some time to talk to someoen it will make it easier, and hopefully help me to get rid of it altogether! Thankyou so much though, i really sppreciate you taking your time out to reply! xxx

[Jess_19]

Hey,
I have exactly the same fear of death as you, when i was reading through what you had written i could not believe that there was another person who felt the same way! I am also 19 and am at uni away from my parents and i hate living away from home feel homesick all the time. I think about death all the time so much so it affects my concentration, i find it difficult to get to sleep and wake up constantly throughout the night and am too scared to fall asleep again. I worry about losing people close to me, in particular my parents, i cant even begin to think what life would be like with out them. I joined this website so that i could find people like me and i hope that i can get better by talking about my problems which before today i never have.

Jess X

[Onwards & Upwards]

I've been there too and am going through it again now.

First time I was 16 and I think it started after my dad had a heart attack (he survived, I hasten to add), it just seemed to trigger this terrible anxiety about death, including my own and those close to me and also health anxiety about me and those close to me.

I remember feeling really clingy towards my mum with this terrible, terrible anxious feeling and I can remember waking up in the mornings and just crying straight away because those awful thoughts were there again, I just wanted to go back to sleep to get away from those thoughts.

This all went on for several months, didn't get any help for it.

Then I had another episode of the same thoughts when I was about 22, don't know what triggered that one but again, I had terrible thoughts about losing those close to me.

And now, at 28 I'm going through it again, this time it's been triggered by being poorly about 5 months ago which has triggered terrible anxiety.

I know I'll get through it because I have done so before, it's just a tiny part of my life and it will pass when it wants to but it's hard while it's happening. Very hard.

You will get through it, I think maybe a lot of people have these episodes at some point, it's part of dealing with life.

[wkraitgihet]

Hey Amiee.
Thanks for the message :) It really was inspiring and motivational!
I saw the doctor today and have been given some tablets and counselling sessions so I hope this is the first step to getting better :D Plus my amazing partner is being fantastic and looking after me!
What meds are you on? (feel free not to answer)
Once again thankyou a bunch for your message,
Katie xx

[DanixVx]

i have a huge fear of death that ive been struggling with since i was 16, im 20 now and its got a bit better, but it still scares me so much to think about, and brings on panic attacks and everything :( all i can say is that you have to make the most of things and try not to worry about the bad :)

[sweetmummy]

Katie reading your original post sounds so similar a fear as myself. Im glad you managed to get to the doctor today & that you have a great partner. Having someone there for you is a great step to helping you cope with your fear. Dying is my greatest fear & also survive on little sleep. Hope you are well! :) x

[sweetmummy]

I've been there too and am going through it again now.

First time I was 16 and I think it started after my dad had a heart attack (he survived, I hasten to add), it just seemed to trigger this terrible anxiety about death, including my own and those close to me and also health anxiety about me and those close to me.

I remember feeling really clingy towards my mum with this terrible, terrible anxious feeling and I can remember waking up in the mornings and just crying straight away because those awful thoughts were there again, I just wanted to go back to sleep to get away from those thoughts.

This all went on for several months, didn't get any help for it.

Then I had another episode of the same thoughts when I was about 22, don't know what triggered that one but again, I had terrible thoughts about losing those close to me.

And now, at 28 I'm going through it again, this time it's been triggered by being poorly about 5 months ago which has triggered terrible anxiety.

I know I'll get through it because I have done so before, it's just a tiny part of my life and it will pass when it wants to but it's hard while it's happening. Very hard.

You will get through it, I think maybe a lot of people have these episodes at some point, it's part of dealing with life.


I cant believe how similar our lives are............I too started having anxiety problems at 16, altho it through the death of my great aunt that I started developing a fear of death. I too am now 28 & funnily enough due to an illness roughly 6 months ago, my fear has returned with avengence. After finding this website this month, i have found so many people with similar stories, but nothing as close as yours. Hope you are well & things are on the up again for you too. :hugs: x

[wkraitgihet]

Hey guys sorry its been so long since ive replied! Had a broken computer!

These past two weeks have been... pretty good actually. I've been put onto fluoxetine 20mg and with the help of that and a counsellor i've been starting to take each day as it comes and enjoy every moment of it, there are still days when these thoughts plague me, but they are becoming fewer and further apart, i have some amazing support in my partner, and i'm starting to enjoy my life again.

[Neen]

Hi
New to this sight and I was shocked; however also pleased (sorry) for finding people who have the same thoughts as me. I'm 26, never felt anxious or had a fear of death before. I am an emotional soul I hasten to add! About 2 months ago my mum had to have a mole removed from her face and it turned out to be Cancerous. Luckly they had caught it early and it hadn't spread.

So this made me go to the docs and have all mine checked out (Ihave 100's!) So the GP referred me to the Dermatologists that day. The following day I was phoned by the hospital to make an appointment for 2 weeks time. That freaked me out how quickly they phoned! Anyway I went on Google (big, huge mistake!) and convinced myself I had Melanoma.

I thought I was riddled with Cancer. I read horror stories, survival stories, death stories from younger girls than myself. I was a mess! Didn't work, didn't eat, acted as if I was terminally ill, crying all the time. My partner found it hard to understand where his fun, loving, bubbly, lively and confident girlfriend had gone. He ended up being my rock though - in the end. Anyway I had 2 full blown panic attackes in this 2 week period. Shit they are scary! One was in the Brixton Academy! Just before one of my favourite bands came on. I had to go, walk out and leave. Then I had another going down to the Underground. What a night!

I was so scared of death it took over my life and still is. Wondering where we go, do we go anywhere? Whats the point in living if all we do is die. Whats the point in taking photos of trips? If we just die. Is there life after death? Is it just like being asleep, what happens to our soul etc, etc, etc. I fried my brain! still do - not as bad though. Went to docs, fobbed off with Diazepam - never took them, don't want to rely on pills. Gave myself Eczema - still have it now. This all started as I say 2 months ago and it's still ongoing. I now think I have GLOBUS HYSTERICUS. OMFG what a condition! So now I'm having Health Anxiety due to this 'lump in the throat sensation' it's driving me mad.

I went to docs RE: Globus and she said it was down to my Anxiety/stress; however to return if the symtoms change or I am in pain. Well I'm not in pain but I want all other possibilities RULED out before I get given the official diagnosis of Globus Hystericus. Booked in at docs this Thursday. Everyday I fight with myself to feel better. I want to be that fun, loving, funny, bubbly Nina again :weep: Not this paranoid wreck I've turned myself into. Oh and GP has referred me for CBT - lets hope it helps? I can sympathize with you all. If any wanna chat just give us a hola........

P.S My moles were fine, just need to check them against photos every 6 weeks. I have large quantities of Dyplastic Nevi - 100's of moles basically that can become cancerous? I was an avid sunbather in my teens, used sunbeds. Never again! Please be safe - use factor and block! CHECK YOUR MOLES!!!!!

Peace and love

Neen xxx

[Little miss worry]

Hey Katie, I know exactly how you feel, i'm only sixteen but i have exactly the same thoughts! Im so scared that i have a life threatening illness eg. cancer and am terrified at every little lump and bump, ache and pain.. i dont really know what to do to be honest. I can really talk to my mum she just thinks im being stupid. Im glad your getting help, and better! Any ideas how i can start to relax more and kick this severe phobia of death?! :) Lovely to have you on this website, every person that joins makes a difference to all of us, however big or small :)
All the best. :) Lauren xx

[wkraitgihet]

Hey guys sorry ive taken so long to reply!
Thankyou both for the replies, it really does make me feel better to hear im not the only person dealing with this. Its been about 2 months now since i was prescribed fluoxetine 20mg. It has started to make a difference slowly and my partner continues to be amazing as always.

Lauren thankyou for the reply and sorry to hear that you are having these thoughts too, in response to you asking about ways of relaxing when you get these thoughts i've found a few things that help;
-if you have a partner, or a friend or family member that is willing to then ask them to give you a massage before you try to sleep at night, my partner does this for me, and although i'm a terrible sleeper it really helps me to settle down and get to sleep.
- Maybe not relaxing but it takes your mind off it, i find that putting on relatively loud, happy music and singing along can really help as you are focussing on something else.
-Spending as much time with people as you can. Friends, family, doing really sometimes mundane things, just watching tv or having a conversation, this will make you way less likely to think negative thoughts plus you are creating good happy memories with people you love and care for.

Feel free to send me another message or something i am always happy to talk,
take care both of you
Katie xxxx