kinda wanna die

[mentaljail]

I just kinda wanna die. I hate life.

[yvonne_uk_98]

I just kinda wanna die. I hate life.

Hi,

mentaljail,

Sorry to hear your feeling this way, keep posting in here, you are very important person, you are caring, loving, kind and funny. What has your day been like today? Please do not do anything, you will get support from here.

I will keep you in my prayers, I hope you dont mind me praying for you.

Yvonne

[bellalew]

:hugs:aww im sorry you feel like that hun,i know life is a struggle,more up than down at times,and it creates negative thoughts especialy when were feeling at a low ebb,which you seem to be at the min,iv had this feeling,why am i here,whats my purpose when im this sad,im usless ect,life is a battle,but we can win it,talking helps to unload us and theres lots of us here to listen,are you on meds at the min?,may be a chat to your doctor will help sort you,i hope you feel better soon,and your not alone everyone is freindly and helpfull on n,m,p,keep your chin up,iv sent a hug,hope it helps.xx

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs:hi, i dont know you, so i hope you dont mind me posting - but i wanted to add my support - this feeling isnt permanent, it can change from minute to minute - please dont act on these thoughts? - do you have the equilvalent of the samaritans in the states - ppl you can call to talk to anytime of day or night when you feel that you cant go on any longer?

suicidal thoughts are part of depression - as are existential thoughts - like why am i here, what is life for, whats the point etc - they are part of the illness - it isnt you its the illness - pls seek help form a doctor to try to help you free yourself of this illness - then life will feel a whole lot better - also i re-iterate the importance of keeping in communication with anyone you know on-line or in real life and to just keep talking about whats wrong on here - dont worry about upsetting or boring ppl - you wont be - there is always someone who cares and who can relate to youxxxxxxx:hugs:

[mentaljail]

Thanks everyone for posting your support. In response to Emma, I've had these thoughts since I was a teenager, these moments, when I was a teenager they were a lot worse. I hate phone support cause I really feel like they know nothing about me at all, and it just feels weird. In the past I would sit in the shower, in the dark and imagine not living, at which point I would gush tears. Today when I have these thoughts, they're just thoughts, however, for the past two days the way I would imagine killing myself has changed. I normally think about using a gun and think to myself it's good that I don't have one, really good I don't have one, but now a reoccurring thought is that I would get one of those 24 hour burning logs, douse myself in gasoline, light the log and hang myself above the flame, cause I don't want to be seen, even after death.

Right now I'm fine. These are just horrid thoughts that I have, but I am getting closer to 30 and 30 has always been the magic number for me, even when I was young, I would tell myself, if I don't have my life in order by the time I'm 30. I don't think I'm gonna kill myself when I'm 30, that's just what I've told myself for a long time.

I just hate being alone and it's very hard for me to stay in touch with anyone. I might bring myself to meet someone, but if I do, I only meet them once and then I avoid them like the plague. Even on world of warcraft, if I get comfortable enough to talk about myself to someone online, after a while I get afraid or something and I change my character realms. Now, even on world of warcraft, I don't make friends or talk much to anyone. I'm a loner in the cyber world, how sad is that. This websight is the only place I've found that I can talk about everything without feeling weird in the long run.

I came on to post another thread, but got caught up replying here. So I'm gonna wrap it up and start my next thread. I'm cool at the moment and when I think about suicide I think I have another voice in my head, a good voice, and it keeps me from killing myself. I always listen to that voice and I'm still here.

[yvonne_uk_98]

Hi mentaljail,

I agree with RainbowGirl, keep talking to us, please do not suffer in silence.

:hugs:

Yvonne

[PUGLETMUM]

:)hi again, well your post explained quite a bit - i too have had suicidal thoughts since my teens (14) - sometimes they are just thoughts - which scare me, so i think at times like that they are part of ocd anxiety - you know i dont actually want to be having them - and then at other times, especially when i was younger i really used to dwell on not being here - like i thought it was an option to end my misery and suffering.

i mentioned samaritans - phone support -as someone to just speak to - another human to connect with - even though i have never rang one myself - in future i will see it as an option if i ever need it - i figure better that than talking to someone you know who really doesnt want to be there for you. im on my own with all my probs right now, so im doing good to be depending on myself.

i have no friends in real life - well i have my oldest friend, but i only speak to her occasionally - shes very sucessful and very busy - unlike me who spends almost all my time alone and clings to my husband for company.

im 38 in august, im still suffering anxiety, i have no career i have no social life - put me in social situation and id be back to my old self - shy, awkward, worried, odd, inappropriate etc etc etc

but, i am still here and i accept myself now - and ive been determined enough to find ways of getting better -and ive found mindfulness meditation - that is the only thing that has helped me cope with my moods and fears - it hasnt taken them away - i just relate to them differently now - and ive found strength in this ability to cope with them - to live with them instead of trying to get away from them. which gives you the ability to look at them rationaly and ask yourself if they are true, do they have any basis or are they just the old useless habitual thoughts, that dont describe th ereal you at all - we beleive stuff about ourselves that isnt even true - awareness , gives you the ability to look at these thoughts and to reject them as just thoughts if you want to - it gives you a bigger, better way at looking at yourself and at things,in a kinder, gentler more forgiving way. lack of this awareness was why i hated myself in the firast place, why i struggled to connect and makes friends and why i failed to maintain relationships that i had, which ultimately left me alone.

im glad you have that other voice - thats awareness, and so long as you have that youll be okay - but you could have happier times and you could enjoy yourself more at times - life is so short to live it in misery:hugs: