In court today with my violent ex partner, cant do it !

[sarah jayne]

Hi all, i dont really know why im writing this on here but im in such a mess i dont know what to do. I crying as i write this. The father of my daughter was very violent towards me, he did evil things to me that are so bad i dont want to repeat them, some i havent even told my husband that im with now and that i love with all my heart, He once headbutted me in the face so bad that i needed reconstructive surgery and another time 3 days after i had my daughter ( she was big baby weighing 9.4) he dragged me accross the bed which ripped some stitches out because i asked him not to smoke near her, I put up with this for 4 years until i finally had the courage to get out ( i had to pretend to be going out with a policeman just so he would leave me alone and i also got an injunction. He hasnt really seen lauren since and 2 years ago deccided he wanted to have contact which of course i refused. Its been going through the courts and a caffcas officer has been involved for laurens sake, but lauren is insisting she doesnt want anything to do with him but as shes only 10 its the courts decision not hers. Its the final hearing yeasterday and today and i just dont feel up to it today, Yesterday i had a panic attack in court and ran out in tears, they put a screen up so i couldnt see him but i still felt really anxious. I have to describe in detail the things he did to me and as i was always too afraid to press charges they are saying its all in my head. There are police sleuth records of the times i rang 999 when he was attacking me but i was always to scared to actually press charges. The police witnessed him headbutting me in the face so he got sent to prison for that but that doesnt seem to be enough to stop him from seeing my daughter. He also has a police record for biting a police officer and for attacking a police officer whilst he was helping me. Im sorry for rambling but i justdont think i can go through it today, my husband isnt aloud in the court room and im just so frightened and feel so intimidated and im scared they think im making it all up because i cant proov some of the things, i dont want to let my daughter down by not going though with it but i dont emotionlally feeel up to it.
Sarah x

[diane07]

Sarah,

You poor thing, not only have you had to go through all that, but now its like you have got to relive it all.

This man was a monster for doing this to you.

I don't think you realise just how brave you are, you had the courage to leave him and break free, that takes one heck of a brave person to do that. You know what happened whether or not there is proof there, your daughter doesn't want to see him, i understand how difficult it is being in court, its not nice at all, but you have come so far, i honestly wish i could jump in your shoes today and go fight the case for you.

He is a monster and as hard as it is, you should stand tall and go fight this last bit, not only for your daughter but for you.....................

I really feel for you as i can understand how nervous you must be.

I wish you well and hope you find the strength to get through today:hugs:

di xx

[ijustagirl]

that really is sad what you have been through..you have had the courage so far so you hold your head high and after today you can tell your self you have the done the right thing, remember your the good person and you have a right to a good life...i would right more but im typing with one finger due to injurys...thinking of you.x

[ladybird64]

Hi Sarah

Just a quick message as Im about to go out.

You have all my admiration to have broken free from a swine like this and although you don't feel it at the moment, you are strong.

He can't hurt you now, nor your daughter and even though you are petrified of the ordeal of court, I pray that you will find the strength to go there and finish this. We can't be there with you physically but I can promise you that after reading what you have written here, that there will be a lot of people from NMP with you in spirit willing you on.

They can try and disprove what you have said but they will still have police records of the calls and the fact that he headbutted you in front of them..I think he doesn't stand a chance.

Don't think about building up courage, funnily enough the time we are strongest is when we feel so weak but just go ahead and do what we need to do, Im sure you can do it.

Wil be thinking of you :bighug1:

[bellalew]

:bighug1:you can do it hun and you will,its the last chapter of the nighmare you suffered.those who care such as us, are with you today to keep you strong.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[PUGLETMUM]

:hugs:hi, i dont know you, but i just want to add my support to you at this time - im so sorry youve had to go through this, and your daughter also - you are a very strong lady to have been through that, pls stay strong - they know he is violent anyway - try to stay calm? my thoughts are with you and if i could magically give you some support and strength through the internet i would! its there in spirit, take care, and please keep posting about this as you prob need the support?:hugs:

[leony]

My daughter went through the same as u and has come out the other side went with her to all the court hearings although not allowed in. As i said to her go and face him and show u r not afraid ur in a court with all the officials and he would b really stupid if he decided to have a go at u, as it would show him up 4 what he is a pathetic excuse of a man and a control freak. U have a wonderful hubby who will support u and ur daughter dont let him control the rest of ur life, b happy as he never will b thats y he's trying to wreck urs as hes jealous u finally saw him 4 what he was. My grandson is now 13 and has not seen his father 4 11 years and doesn't want 2 we were always honest with him about what he did to his Mum and told him if he really wants 2 c him he can trace him when hes older but personally i hope hes dead long b 4 then after what he did 2 my daughter and grandson

[Pinkangels]

Sarah Jayne

I would hug u right now if I could hun :hugs:
You have been through hell at the hands of this nasty piece of work, and have been so strong to come out the other side. Keep this strength and keep fighting to the end hun.

Please find that strength to go to court and see that he gets what he deserves. It must be the hardest thing to do im sure, but it is so worth doing.
Hes relying on all those years of fear he put in you as a way of keeping you away from that court. Make this final stand against him, and show him that hes the weaker one, and always has been.

You have come so far already. Soon you can end on a high and feeling proud that you saw it through, then go back to your loving husband and daughter and the new life you built for yourself.

Im wishing you all the best xxxxxxxx

[marie1974]

you are so brave hun and u can do it, u have alot of inner strength and no one should go through wot u have, stay strong and hope all goes ok, hugs xx

[sarah jayne]

Thanks everyone for your support, i am so thanksful to be able to come on here and know that someone will be there for me. I found the courage and went yesterday, it was awful and i cried throughout the hearing. It has been worse cause im representing myself we cant afford a solicitor as it would cost thousands, hes lucky to be able to get legal aid its just so unfair. There wasnt a screen as it wasnt me being questioned , he had to say his version of events in which i had accused him of, of course he denied everything and made a story up about everything, it sounded so convincing as his barrister had obviously told him what to say but he slipped up on a few occasions and the judge picked up on it, he said different things to what he had written in his statements. There was also the fact that i had kept my maternity records which held vital evidence, and of course the records of when i needed reconstructive surgery. I was literally shaking when the judge was reading his verdicts and sobbed with relief that he had believed everthing i had said, there were 2 things that couldnt be proven but i dont care as he was found guilty of the rest. I cant tell you how relieved i am to have gone yesterday. The judge now knows what an evil violent person he is and he is informing caffcass, he said it is obvious that i am still suffering and had made a court order that he writes a statement of how he thinks that his years of abuse to me have effected mine and laurens life and how he can and will change his ways.its not over yet though, ive got to go back in june to see what his statement says and what caffcass are recommending, then the final hearing will take place which i am dreading.
Until being in court with him i thought i had got over how he treated me but i now beleive this is what started my anxiety off, i think ive been in denial for years and ive been bottling it all up and pretending to everyone that everythings been ok when it hadnt. I thought that i suffered from a health anxiety but i believe that its more. I feel broken inside afterrr having to relive it all, i feel emotionally and physically drained. Today i just keep bursting into tears, i was driving to work today and had to pull over as i could stop crying. Do you think this is normal ? Should i tell my doctor ? I should feel happy but i just feel like crying, i cant stop thinking of everything he did to me and it feels like it happened yesterday. I couldnt sleep last night and had an awful panic attack.
Thanks everyone xxxxxxxxxx

[leony]

No go and c ur GP and ask about counselling it helps to talk to someone about what he put u through talking really is the best cure and and also ask Social Services about groups for u and ur daughter not trying to push u into 2 anything but worked with children 4 years and they need 2 talk as well as it can affect them 2 and she may not want to talk 2 u 4 fear of upsetting u as u r her 1 true rock and friend. When we called in Social workers to stop him seeing my Grandson i sat with my daughter and made her tell him everything he had done I was heartbroken she hadnt told me all that had gone on. I thought i had failed her thats y i went 2 every court appearance with her 2 show support remember the first time we went she insisted on coming to the loo with me bloody fun considering there was only 1 cubicle and 2 squashed in it, wouldnt stay in the waiting area with him even though there was dozens of other people, policemen and solicitors there 2 frightened.:hugs:All hugs 4 a brighter happier future without him in ur life

[ladybird64]

Knew you would do it..what an amazing lady you are. :hugs:

You know you have our support for the future too so you won't be on your own.

Regarding the after effects of what happened yesterday, that is what you have been experiencing today and it doesnt require a doctors visit, I promise you.

I went through a very traumatic experience at the end of 2008 but managed kind of ok at the time, even though I was panicky I still did it.
The following day I woke at 5am in hysterics (and I dont do crying!), I couldn't even catch my breath to tell my husband what was wrong.
I spent the whole day with a massive headache, shaking and very disturbed mentally, it took more than 24 hrs to get over it.

You went through a massive ordeal yesterday and this is the fallout from it. Its feels awful, but is natural and normal..let it pass and you will be ok.

An enormous hug for you :bighug1:

[Pinkangels]

Thats fantastic, well done you for facing him in court. :yesyes:

I think its absolutely normal to feel as you do right now. Its going to be a huge emotional rollercoaster for you, as you are bringing it all up again in detail just how awfull that part of your life was, and in a sense re-living it.
Just accept what emotions come and talk things through with your husband. Let it all out. If those tears want to flow then certainly let them, as its more than acceptable and totally understandable.
When these court sessions are over then you will heal again and continue on towards the future.

If you think you would benefit from seeing a councillor to see if they can help draw an end to it further, then defo see your GP.

:hugs:

[london]

dont let that bully muggie pig get away with it

[pammy1944]

Wow what an amazing woman you are ..........good luck and stay strong xxxxxxx

[PUGLETMUM]

:yesyes::hugs:i agree with others - you should be sooooo proud of yourself for standing up to him like this - men like that must not be allowed to get away with it - and youve done that - i admire you completely.

as for how you feel and why you feel - this man has deeply attacked you and traumatised you - ofcourse we bottle things up - because at the time they are sooooo painful and difficult to deal with - how devastated you must have been to have been treated like that by someone who professed to love you - the disbelief that a person can do that, is enough to stop you from wanting to think about it - its too much to cope with. you have suffered deeply and now you can heal -over time, maybe with outside help maybe just by yourself - you are strong enough to have come this far, i think you can heal yourself - take care and again very well done, you make all women proud:hugs:

[Going home]

Well done for going through with all of that, and it sounds like you've triggered the stress and anxiety again but don't despair, you will get through it. Its kind of like post traumatic stress and even though there's more court appearences to come i'm sure they'll be in your favour. Keep in touch with all the supportive people on nmp and we'll help you through it.

Many best wishes and keep that chin up and be proud of yourself...xxx

[ammiemum]

:hugs:you are a very brave lady,
Have you heard of the 'freedom project' it is for the victims of the various sorts of abuse that women [and more rarely men] suffer. it is absolutely fantastic -helps you to get past most of the guilt, shame etc. that goes with it and is so helpful in the healing process to be able to attend wth others who have suffered the same or similar and to understand your own reactions/coping strategies to that sort of life[?].
Have a look on the internet and i hope there is a course near to you it helps such a lot ,i cant sing its praises highly enough -it literally saved my life...

[bellalew]

hi sarha,i was wondering how youd got on,glad its been proven for you in a court of law,now life can start to get happier for you all,as you mentioned its been the cause of your p/a+anxiety,the verdict i hope wil bring you comfort over the next few weeks untill all is over with and as iv said you can begin life easier and happier:hugs:it must have been such an ordeal and cant imagine how you felt,our stregnth apears when we need it the most, and gladly it did for you, and hope you begin to get stronger every day.thoughts are with you hun,take care.x