sjdec
28-04-10, 12:00
Hi I'm new here so I'll explain my situation. Sorry for the essay but so much has gone on and I feel like I don't know which way to turn
I think I'm probably suffering from depression due to anxiety, but there's also a considerable health anxiety which was one of the triggers.
In the past 4yrs I've been through separation/divorce, had to fight to keep my house and ended up with a substantial mortgage. As my divorce was finalised the previous 8mths of 'cystitis' was finally diagnosed as bladder cancer. I had the tumour removed and moved on. 2yrs later (2008) my dad died after an unexpected illness. In this time I've also lost 3 beloved cats (ok, I know they're just animals and one of them was pure old age, but the other 2 were unexpected illness and they were all much loved members of my family). To top it all, in Feb this year after a routine check-up they found another tumour in my bladder. On a positive note, although it was cancerous it was low grade and they're confident that they removed it all again. This is where my health anxiety comes in - the 1st diagnosis I was 39 and never smoked, so the complete opposite of the over-50 male/heavy smoker that is more likelty to get it. So now because I got that and the chances of it recurring within the next 5 yrs (and more in the future) are high, every niggling health worry becomes an undetected cancer. I've tried explaining this to my GP who has referred me for stress counselling, whilst being sympathetic and explaining that although my fears are justified, they are irrational. I get that and try not to dwell on it too much.
Last year I changed jobs, left a well-paid job for something that paid considerably more and had much better prospects. When I went for interview I explained that I would not relocate (the job is in W.London, a 100 mile commute from where I live) and could afford to commute for max 3 days a week supplemented by working from home the other 2 - 3. I have to work f/t to pay the mortgage etc. as my ex only pays basic maintenance for our daughter which barely covers childcare costs. I was honest from the start about my situation, and they assured me in interview that if they thought I was the best person for the job they would offer flexibility to make the commuting and work/life balance as easy as possible. The company is very well known for it's 'green' ethos and many people do work from home. I got offered the job and based on the agreement that I would commute for 3 days for a trial period to make sure it worked, I decided to accept. The first day I started my boss made it quite clear that any flexibility had already been given, and I had to set the 3 days in the office and stick to them working 9-5.30. If I was required to be in the office on a different day, I had to commute in the extra day(s), rather than swap for a different day working from home. Had I known this, I'd never have left my other job. The only compromise he made was to allow me to work 8-4.30 to 'avoid' rush hour (well I now know that in London/Heathrow the rush hour starts at 7.30 and the motorway madness starts at 6am!). I've struggled on for a year and fuel prices have sky-rocketed and I'm actually financially worse off because of the cost of commuting. I have to leave at 5.30 am and get home at 7.30, just in time to collect my daughter and get her to bed. Her schoolwork is suffering because I don't have time to support all the homework she gets. I also have to let her stay extra days with her father because childcare doesn't start at 5.30am. I've tried asking my prev employer for my old job back, but my position is no longer open due to cuts and regionalisation. Since my diagnosis in Feb and subsequent surgery to remove the tumour I've been off work for 2months. In that time not one of my colleagues has contacted me to wish me well, not even a card or Facebook message! My boss has been supportive on the phone and assured me they don't want me to rush back to work, but referred me to Occ Health to arrange a staggered return. This is where things came to a head - yesterday I drove the 200 mile round-trip for a half hour meeting (I'm still signed off) and she said that despite my obvious stress symptoms and the urinary urgency I'm still experiencing, She thinks i'm fit to return to my f/t job with no concessions. Her answer to my physical problems was to leave earlier (than 5.30?!) to allow for more stops at services and wear incontinence pads in case of 'accidents' :scared15: At just 43 and not having needed them yet, that worked wonders for my self-esteem!! When I explained about the anxiety and stress symptoms (with all this happening in 4yrs my 'bottle' is overflowing!!) such as lack of concentration and poor sleep making it dangerous for me to be driving such long distance/hours she just said 'I think you need to look for another job or go back to your old one'.
I don't know what to do next. My GP has signed me off so far as a result of the cancer, but physically I am well enough to go back to work. It's just emptionally that I can't face it. At home I have no motivation and lots of un-completed tasks that need doing because I won't have time to do them when I go back to work (I struggle to even keep up with general housework). The disorganisation and untidyness at home depresses me more and so it's a vicious circle. My daughter has had me home for 2 months and so now is begging me not to go back to work. I know that when I go back there is a massive back-log of work (obviously not helped by my absence) and so stress levels amongst my colleagues will rub off on me immediately. My periods the last 2 months have been over a week late (I'm not pregnant) I've put on weight so am unhappy with myself, and have recently suffered from neck/back pain from a trapped nerve/tension. I am tearful all the time (I cried within 2 minutes of trying explain my feelings to the occ health nurse) but also conscious that my GP has every right to tell me to pull myself together and just get on with things.
Sorry this is soooo long but just need some advice about where to turn. I'm already signed up for the stress management course (although now need to ask for time off work to continue the weekly sessions for the month!) I think my boss will be ok with that, but ultimately I want to cut my commuting right down on a permanent basis, which I know he won't agree to. I'm actively applying for new jobs so it's only a matter of months before I can start to turn things round, but what to do in the meantime? The physical & financial strain of the commuting is already making me anxious and I've got another week after this weekend before I have to go back.
Thanks for reading if you're not asleep :blush:
I think I'm probably suffering from depression due to anxiety, but there's also a considerable health anxiety which was one of the triggers.
In the past 4yrs I've been through separation/divorce, had to fight to keep my house and ended up with a substantial mortgage. As my divorce was finalised the previous 8mths of 'cystitis' was finally diagnosed as bladder cancer. I had the tumour removed and moved on. 2yrs later (2008) my dad died after an unexpected illness. In this time I've also lost 3 beloved cats (ok, I know they're just animals and one of them was pure old age, but the other 2 were unexpected illness and they were all much loved members of my family). To top it all, in Feb this year after a routine check-up they found another tumour in my bladder. On a positive note, although it was cancerous it was low grade and they're confident that they removed it all again. This is where my health anxiety comes in - the 1st diagnosis I was 39 and never smoked, so the complete opposite of the over-50 male/heavy smoker that is more likelty to get it. So now because I got that and the chances of it recurring within the next 5 yrs (and more in the future) are high, every niggling health worry becomes an undetected cancer. I've tried explaining this to my GP who has referred me for stress counselling, whilst being sympathetic and explaining that although my fears are justified, they are irrational. I get that and try not to dwell on it too much.
Last year I changed jobs, left a well-paid job for something that paid considerably more and had much better prospects. When I went for interview I explained that I would not relocate (the job is in W.London, a 100 mile commute from where I live) and could afford to commute for max 3 days a week supplemented by working from home the other 2 - 3. I have to work f/t to pay the mortgage etc. as my ex only pays basic maintenance for our daughter which barely covers childcare costs. I was honest from the start about my situation, and they assured me in interview that if they thought I was the best person for the job they would offer flexibility to make the commuting and work/life balance as easy as possible. The company is very well known for it's 'green' ethos and many people do work from home. I got offered the job and based on the agreement that I would commute for 3 days for a trial period to make sure it worked, I decided to accept. The first day I started my boss made it quite clear that any flexibility had already been given, and I had to set the 3 days in the office and stick to them working 9-5.30. If I was required to be in the office on a different day, I had to commute in the extra day(s), rather than swap for a different day working from home. Had I known this, I'd never have left my other job. The only compromise he made was to allow me to work 8-4.30 to 'avoid' rush hour (well I now know that in London/Heathrow the rush hour starts at 7.30 and the motorway madness starts at 6am!). I've struggled on for a year and fuel prices have sky-rocketed and I'm actually financially worse off because of the cost of commuting. I have to leave at 5.30 am and get home at 7.30, just in time to collect my daughter and get her to bed. Her schoolwork is suffering because I don't have time to support all the homework she gets. I also have to let her stay extra days with her father because childcare doesn't start at 5.30am. I've tried asking my prev employer for my old job back, but my position is no longer open due to cuts and regionalisation. Since my diagnosis in Feb and subsequent surgery to remove the tumour I've been off work for 2months. In that time not one of my colleagues has contacted me to wish me well, not even a card or Facebook message! My boss has been supportive on the phone and assured me they don't want me to rush back to work, but referred me to Occ Health to arrange a staggered return. This is where things came to a head - yesterday I drove the 200 mile round-trip for a half hour meeting (I'm still signed off) and she said that despite my obvious stress symptoms and the urinary urgency I'm still experiencing, She thinks i'm fit to return to my f/t job with no concessions. Her answer to my physical problems was to leave earlier (than 5.30?!) to allow for more stops at services and wear incontinence pads in case of 'accidents' :scared15: At just 43 and not having needed them yet, that worked wonders for my self-esteem!! When I explained about the anxiety and stress symptoms (with all this happening in 4yrs my 'bottle' is overflowing!!) such as lack of concentration and poor sleep making it dangerous for me to be driving such long distance/hours she just said 'I think you need to look for another job or go back to your old one'.
I don't know what to do next. My GP has signed me off so far as a result of the cancer, but physically I am well enough to go back to work. It's just emptionally that I can't face it. At home I have no motivation and lots of un-completed tasks that need doing because I won't have time to do them when I go back to work (I struggle to even keep up with general housework). The disorganisation and untidyness at home depresses me more and so it's a vicious circle. My daughter has had me home for 2 months and so now is begging me not to go back to work. I know that when I go back there is a massive back-log of work (obviously not helped by my absence) and so stress levels amongst my colleagues will rub off on me immediately. My periods the last 2 months have been over a week late (I'm not pregnant) I've put on weight so am unhappy with myself, and have recently suffered from neck/back pain from a trapped nerve/tension. I am tearful all the time (I cried within 2 minutes of trying explain my feelings to the occ health nurse) but also conscious that my GP has every right to tell me to pull myself together and just get on with things.
Sorry this is soooo long but just need some advice about where to turn. I'm already signed up for the stress management course (although now need to ask for time off work to continue the weekly sessions for the month!) I think my boss will be ok with that, but ultimately I want to cut my commuting right down on a permanent basis, which I know he won't agree to. I'm actively applying for new jobs so it's only a matter of months before I can start to turn things round, but what to do in the meantime? The physical & financial strain of the commuting is already making me anxious and I've got another week after this weekend before I have to go back.
Thanks for reading if you're not asleep :blush: