back into the dark of night

[ASH65]

guess what? nightmares.again i witness the death of a beautiful young boy,executed ruthlessly.he was,as always blonde,fair skinned and beautiful.as he was shot he cradled another boy,both on their knees resigned to their fate.my mind screamed RUN,but it was too late.

next scene was an irreverand punk me in a church,about to make a blasphemous comment when the whole damn place fell to its knees
to honour the boy,me included,and i felt a tiny sense of peace for him.

my case is still open,so there is much i cant tell you,but i have seen an
expert psychologist(a wonderful woman) and have had much therapy.
what i witnessed and experienced will stay with me forever,forgive the frequent posts,but this is night after night for me,waking,knowing what i know,then having to make some kind of practical sense of the day.
today i will clear out the shed! clearing,cleaning,improving,taking chaos and making order helps me cope.

the boy i refer to is tattooed on my back as an ammonite fossil.one night,after years of torturous nightmares about him,he came to me as that fossil,to be remembered and honoured,with the message "remember me".so now i carry him on my back.
any kind words will help,im sorry for you to have to read all this but it is night after night after night.my beautiful wife hugged me as i wept this morning,warm as warm can be,said nothing,made me a brew and we all got on with the day......now....about that shed

[annette1]

Hi Ash

How's the shed? If your anything like me when I'm feeling as you do there will be very little to put back in it! My neighbours are very good about me filling up their wheelie bins!

Having had many years of nightmares & really feel your pain. It's hell, night after night the same dream with the same fear when you wake up & then try to make sense of where you are, are you safe, checking the house, & the horrible feeling that the world is against you. We then try to carry on as normal & have other people wonder why we are so snappy! You are very lucky to have the support of your wife, she sounds wonderful, treasure her.

Just to give you some hope after nearly 2yrs of weekly trauma therapy (EMDR) with my psychologist my 'big Y' nightmare only happens when triggered by a specific memory. I still have nightmares on the same theme but at least they are changing & are less frightening than before. My T says this is progress & is pleased its happening as it means I've reprocessed some of my trauma. I hope this happens for you soon.

Take care & stay strong, things will improve for you in time.
Annette

[Veronica H]

:bighug1::bighug1:Veronicax

[ladybird64]

Hi Ade :)

I used to read your posts when you were here before (thought I recognised you!) and always smiled when you wrote about your lady and your girls.

You are strong my friend because you are still here, "survivor" sounds a cliché but that is exactly what you are. I know that your dreams are appalling but you will never be alone , not while you are in a house of females!

Hope you got that shed done..:winks: