Anxiey , Panic, Depression, now paranoia?

[cwoz82]

Hi All,

I've been anxious and on off panicky as long as i can remember,but i feel its developing and getting worse. Have had a lot of stress recently...not getting on with a work colleague and trying for a baby via IUI and possibly IVF, but this has all been coupled with a death in the family. My hubby's Grampy passed from cancer just under two weeks ago and it's all blown up in my face. It's mainly in work, i don't get on with a colleague...we used to be friends but various incidences and her complete misunderstandings a year ago and unwillingness to listen to reason means we are no longer. I've been very low in work, i just want to be with my husband at home. I've become paranoid rightly or wrongly that she is going out of her way to make my life miserable with little things everyday. I've been crying every day in work, something sets me off and i can't stop for the rest of the day. Today she was talking about me, in hushed tones but i picked up little bits, i felt the heat rise, my heart as pounding and just keeping my cool and keeping my mouth shut sent me into an anxiety attack and i broke down. I am 6 months off of Citalopram and don't want to go back on medication but my anxiety is "flaring up", i'm completely paranoid and i'm pretty sure i'm depressed with it too although it came on very suddenly after my last period so i believe its hormonal. I'm isolated and i'm sure i'm doing it to myself. i'm projecting onto this old friend. I'm trying to make amends with her, trying to fix it but i feel she's being obtuse.
I feel like i'm losing my mind a little bit every day, thinking im a paranoid schizophrenic, think i'm all out mad, thinking i'm depressed...not suicidal though, am never suicidal, i totally fear death. I think that may be i don't deal well with death. I've been missing my Nan's recently, both passed away for 5 years.
I feel alone. My husband is brilliant, bless him but he's never had anything remotely like depression or anxiety and despite his best efforts he can't relate to me, he can only comfort me.
Does anyone else suffer "bouts" like this? Periods of extremely intense emotion for a few weeks at a time?
Anxiety is pretty constant, just sometimes gets out of control...was physically shaking at the end of my work day today, i can't go on like this and at the present time, other jobs aren't around so moving isn't an option

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Cw you have a tremendous amount of things happening in your life at ther moment losing a family member, trying for a baby via IUI and this upset with a colleague. I know how stressful infertility treatment is, having been through it all myself. One minute you are in a treatment cycle and having injections of hormones. You might well be feeling confident. Then your hopes are dashed with the failure of that treatment. I would try to stay off anti depressants if you are going for IVF but try alternative methods for relaxation instead. You may well benefit from some counselling either at the clinic where you are having your infetility treatment or at the doctors. You need to talk out your feelings /emotions/grief about Grammps and inability to conceive. I'm not sure what I would do about your colleague but clearly something will have to be done as she is making your life a misery. You could try setting up a meeting with another colleague who is inpartial/ or if your organisation is big enough see if she can be moved to another department. I'm sure that you will begin to feel better when you can let some of these feelings out. I don't think that you are becoming a paranoid schizophrenic. It is the anxiety that is tricking you into believing that this is so.

[NoPoet]

Hi, you really are in the wars!

"Paranoid" feelings are part and parcel of depression and anxiety! You have come under a hell of a lot of fire lately and it is completely understandable that you are expecting the worst to happen! That is not clinical paranoia. You would certainly not know you were paranoid if you were mentally ill! You would genuinely believe that this horrible person was poisoning people against you with witchcraft or something!

It sounds like you are literally at the end of your rope and you need time, space and safety! Have a holiday even just for a couple of days. Go for walks in the country. Watch funny films, listen to your favourite music. Don't watch Battlestar Galactica cos it's as depressing as it is brilliant. :D

You definitely, definitely need to have a break from all the crap that is happening.

[cwoz82]

Thank you guys. I had been feeling brilliant coming off of the citalopram, like the veil had been lifted and I was able to get up spritely at 6am and walk the dogs for an hour before practically skipping into work, everything was wonderful. Then my husbands gramps passed and I can't get up in the morning, can't walk the dogs (sprained my ankle at the wake!) and where i'd been using the walking as therapy I can't even get myself out of the house, don't want to be away from my husband, don't want to be around other people unless it's family. It didn't help when i booked and paid for a holiday in June, went into work and was informed that i couldnt have the time off as someone else was off that i'd never been informed i couldn't have the same time off as. I was a little devastated as my hubby had booked us a table at a restaurant i've always dreamed of eating at. The person who's off is my friend and is outraged that they stopped me having the hols and didn't inform us we couldn't book time together...i can't even muster the strength to fight them on it. My boss offered me two days and as it's in this country i'm taking that and hoping it does me some good.
I think i may just have to have a good day out with the dogs on the weekend. I've been texting the girl in work, she's 24 and very immature for her age, i find that hard to deal with as everything is a big drama with her and she's very spoiled and selfish. Until a year ago there was a group of 4 of us who met once a month to have meals and drinks, but she fell out with another girl (long story) and as i was closer to the other girl i remained friends with both of them but stopped socialising with the childish one who caused a lot of problems. I feel like ever since then she's been making my life miserable and making me pay for what she sees as rejecting her and choosing someone else...how do you deal with that? Obviously switching jobs is not an option right now, for one there are no jobs and for two if there were any i have to think about the maternity (should i need it!). My works have a very strict sickness policy and i know it sounds like forward planning but if i go sick before june i will get a written warning (even though i've not been sick in nearly a year!), thus if i'm not better by June i will be taking time off of work, it's visible to see that i'm not coping and i would get my doctor to sign me off for a few weeks to get my head straight. I'm generally okay when i'm not in work which suggests the main stressors are purely work related, or the fact that my hubby is like my comfort blanket and it's only in work that i'm not with him.
Anyway thank you guys...they always say if you are actually mad you wouldn't question whether you were going mad. People will never understand how many side effects and conditions are caused by anxiety, if people understood anxiety disorder then it would make my world a lot easier!

[cwoz82]

Well, i have to confess that its a few weeks down the line and i'm not really much better...I realise i'm fine at home, fine at our allotment plot, fine when i'm walking the dogs, perfect when i'm with my husband or family, but i am NOT fine when i am in work! Work is where i feel most anxious and therefore most paranoid, it's the source of my paranoia. People hating me, people taking about me, people actively making me uncomfortable, thinking i'm making mistakes and my boss is just waiting for the big one so she can fire me (even though i know when in my right mind they can't afford to lose me). My anxiety is such a perpetuating cycle, i'm anxious so the paranoia creeps in, but then the paranoia makes me more anxious and so then the paranoia... blah blah blah so on and so forth and i'm driving myself insane with this rubbish....why can't i just switch off? Where is that switch in my brain that lets me live a peaceful, less troubled existance like everyone else seems to on this planet?
I Love my husband to death, he is my rock, my "comfort blanket" as the counsellor so called him, my little peice of sanity and as brilliant as he is with me he cannot ever grasp just how very crazy i think i am! My best mate doesn't get off scott free either, i become convinced she not really my friend for whatever reason. She is by nature a bitchy person and i become convinced that she's bitching about me too, she likes to make light of my paranoia calling me schizo. Generally she is very supportive, but she can also be a "GET A GRIP" sort of person too, a product of her childhood, but that's a whole other story and i know she is my friend because she has this "Terminal" nature her husband and i call it, where if she is wronged or had enough she just cuts off and evidently she's yet to do that with me but i'm always waiting for her to turn terminal on me, to finally have enough of listening to me! I don't have an awful lot of friends in work...i've always been too busy to stop and chat to people in work, not that i think i've anything interesting to say if i did! I have precious few friends in general, most have dropped off since i've stopped drinking or have proved to be no good for me...it's almost as though i've stopped drinking and socialising to ease my anxiety, and yet i was never so anxious as i have been since i cut myself off! Doesn't help when everyone around me seems to be having babies, a massive baby boom in work...even the 40 year old who has two grown up kids who sits opposite me in work is 6 months pregnant completely by accident...i can't even have accidents, i have IUI/IVF to look forward to and i'm on the waiting list and it hurts every time someone anounces their joyous news, or everytime someone on maternity drops in to say hello with their baby.
I should get going now though, anymore and i'd just be moaning!
Thanks for listening

I had a short period where i lost all my energy as i discussed above, however it's all back now, i think it's nervous energy, i walk my dogs for about an hour a day at the moment, but i think i'll have to do more!

[linworth]

Hi,

just read all your posts, this is definately work related which has got you down and your loss of your gramps, its just all got too much, you will get through this, Plus also the stress of trying to concieve. So much going on at one time, its natural to have a melt down sometimes. Like you have said, you are fine with your husband, which is lovely, he sounds like a great man, (mine just doesnt understand!) I am the same with my sister and mum, they are my strength when times are bad. I know where you are coming from about the paranio over your mental health, i have severe anxiety and depression when i lost my baby late in pregnancy, really thought i was going round the bend, couldnt even read anything about schizoprenia, totally and utterly convinced i had got it, its just that in our state our anxiety we question our sanity, and like you said and my doctor said constantly, if i was losing my mind, i wouldnt keep asking if i was mad!! it eventually went. i have been well for five years, but like you had a lot of stress recently, work related, and the same about a coll, thought she didnt support me, and resented her and work for varies reasons, also but of a tough time at home financially, so it all blue up and had a panic attack one night, not had one for years, really set me back, thought it was all coming back convinced myself i couldnt cope, couldnt stop my mind from whirring, awful, like you gradually coming through it, getting back to my routine, just gaining confidence in myself one day at a time, which sounds like you are, plus i contacted hr at my works, to sort out my contract, so feel back in control. Once you stress levels subside, i think you will be able to work this through with the girl at work, Keep doing what your doing, walking the dogs, spending time with your lovely husband, and go away even if it is only for the two days.

Take care lynne

[daydreamer]

Hey. Can I say that from reading your posts you seem really down on yourself. I think you defintely need to be kinder to yourself! You're having to deal with a LOT at the moment and your still coping and going to work, yes it might be horrid, but your doing it and you should be proud of yourself for that. :)

[longliam]

Guys, Cut a long story short.....my auntie suffered from Depression and anxiety and she was the most wonderful person you could ever want too meet, unfortunately she passed away a few weeks ago, falling to pancreatic cancer. This is a link to a song i wrote and recorded for her, hope you can all find some inspiration from it. And thx for the lovely comments, L x http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAInrB5tlZM

[onceagain]

Its hardly surprising you feel the way you do, you have had a lot to contend with. But try to remember that your colleagues whispering about you is her short coming not yours and if it is bullying and making your work become unbearable maybe you need to either talk to her about it or is there anyone else that you can speak to, no matter what has happened she does not have the right to make you feel victimised at work, that should be neutral territory for you both, you are there for work not to be friends but if you work as a team and her behavior is making this detrimental to your working day it does need to be dealt with. Only you will know the situation, if you feel it is better to ignore her pettiness then do that she may become bored eventually but don't let her make you question yourself it really is her shortcomings to deal with not you!

I can go for days dealing with the usual anxiety and yes then it does hit with an almighty blow, it often feels when this happens that what is the point, all the previous hard work goes out the window. I am trying to learn that the real me is the good days and it is my illness coming out when I am going through the rough times, easier said than done.

I know we all say it but please listen to it, be kind to yourself, you have done fantastically well, don't let someone else put you back on the medication, that is something that you turn to when you need it not when someone else dictates it for you. Keep your chin up, remember where you were and how far you have come and don't let this start to take over your life, you work to live remember and not the other way round so don't let it or small minded people have the right to impact on your general life, that is your time.

I wish you all the best, we are very sensitive to others behaviour and I don't think it is paranoia. It is awful when people act this way, be strong and remember that you are important in your own right .. we are rooting for you x

[cwoz82]

Thank you so much for your support,it's greatly appreciated.My recent stress appears to have manifested itself in the shape of shingles,I always thought it was caused by contact with someone infected with chicken pox (my
neice and newphew have both just had chicken pox!),my doctor informed me it is most likely ironic timing and it is mostly caused by a weakened immune system...usually weakened by stress or illness...haven't been ill until now so havig just had a week holiday from work I've been told to sign myself off for a week sick because of the shingles and if not sorted by Monday to go back for the doctor to sign me off further.I feel this is my bodys was of telling me that I need to do more to look after myself,to sort out my working situation,it's not just this colleague and the personal issues,it's the fact that I've been so good at my job that they've entrusted me with a lot more work and meanwhile my "teammate" as she's meant to be has cruised along doing the bare minimum.My reward for my hard work has been training for covering other peoples work! I fancy quitting and getting some supermarket job with no responsibilities and probably pay the same as my salary,and probably more
stable to work at asda or tesco than some outsourcing company in the current climate:doh:
I'll be having a chat with my bosses when I get back...my husband reckons
:unsure:just mentioning the word Stress should make them pay
attention...gonna tell them that I'm doing no more training and taking no more work on until my "teammate" catches up with me and even then tell them
enough is enough with the workload.
Thanks again guys,I can talk until I'm blue in the face to my family and few friends but they cannot ever understand it give me any peace of mind.Knowing you guys are there or have been there really helps:bighug1:

[cwoz82]

Sorry about the smileys,didn't put them in intentionally

[cwoz82]

Well I am back to work tomorrow, between one weeks holiday and two weeks of shingles I haven't been in for 3 weeks.My husband figured that whilst I was off last week we should go to Cornwall and so we did...for 2 days I was "my
old self" again, came home Friday and went to London yesterday to see Bon Jovi at the o2 (fab!) but I don't deal well with public transport, big cities and not knowing where I am...all of which I had to deal with in Lindon.In 24 hours I spent £90 on taxis because I couldn't face the underground.National express dropped us off at victoria bus station and we were meant to catch a train from victoria train station but I just could not deal with how busy the station was, crowds scare me.I was with my Mum who hard as she tries does not understand my issues, I wound up breaking down in tears trying to fight off an anxiety attack and had to get a taxi as oppose to the much cheaper 2 tube trains and a bus we needed to get to our hotel, dont think my
mum was impressed!
I had been so refreshed after the trip to Cornwall but London has left me feeling quite distraught,with my return to work tomorrow I'm terrified of my anxiety again.I'm sick of the cycle, I want to get off and live again, free if these ridiculous fears...with London it's terrorism, crime, enclosed spaces and many, many people everywhere!
I've been to the doctor and they are going to refer me for CBT but it may take months in NHS waiting lists and I really really do not want to go back onto medication,I want to take control if the situation and not numb it for 12months at a time, if I have CBT I want a clear min and have never had that on any medications.
Anxiety sucks, I get stressed so I get anxious but then I get stressed about being anxious. It consumes my thoughts, constantly thinking about those little sensations in my body, waiting for an attack, for that moment when it actually overwhelms me and I'm no longer able to contain the panic/anxiety!
Does everyone else feel so all consumed by anxiety? I'm terrified that having been off meds for 6months after 12 months and counselling with them that im going to have this condition all my life, that I'm always going to be this scared, to scared to travel anywhere and hold my husband back as I do all the time, terrified he'll get sick of it and leave me and that's the scariest part of all because he's my rock.I probably could have dealt with london better if with him but he stayed at home.
I hate this cycle of fear, I want so desperately to stop it I really do, I can't face a life of this.Just when I think I've gotten over this "bout" of anxiety something crops up in a
matter days to send me back into the spiral
I feel so hopelessly lost in it