Feel like i cannot cope

[blackie]

Hi all

It has been a while since i last used this forum but i am having a really bad day. I have been agoraphobic for the last 4 years and i just feel like i cannot cope anymore. I can just about manage to go and see my therpist once a week but it is so hard.

I feel so out of control. I have had about 3 panic attacks today and have a very high level of background anxiety. I feel like i cannot bare it anymore and just want it to stop. I feel like i will never be happy again.

I spend most of the time at home on my own so i have plenty of time to dwell on things. This makes it worse but it is so hard to make the first steps and get out. I live in a village and cannot drive which doesnt help.

As a child i was sexually abused and was in and out of hospitals and childrens homes. This has left me feeling fundementally bad and damaged.

I feel so weak and i am finding it difficult to eat. I have lost quite a bit of weight and now people are getting worried about that. this only makes it harder to eat though. Things just seem like such a mess at the moment.

I am just about to finish an OU degree in 5 months time but it is getting really hard. I think this is making me feel a bit stressed as all students get. Overall the OU has been a great experience and helped me a lot.

I am finding it so difficult to be around people. i just want to isolate myself even though i know this makes me worse.

I am worried that i will never be able to get through this, will not be able to eat properbly, will never stop feeling anxious and panicky and not evenj be able to be around people. I cannot see my therepist this week which does not help either.

Sorry for the long moan. Just writting it down has helped a bit. I just wish i had the strength to get through this.

Many thanks
Blackie

[staypositive]

You poor thing ((Hugs)) I really hope you feel better soon. I had a good read through what you said, it seems like you are really feeling the pressure at the moment, in some ways from lots of angles.

I too worry like you, I feel I will never be the person I used to be, and never feel happy with myself of my life. I think it can get better for us, its good you have your therapist too, do you find them helpful?

I can relate to isolating yourself from other people, I'm the same. Sometimes, you can feel lonely in a room full of people, yet on your own, you feel completely comfortable.

I hope you feel better soon

Danny :)

[Baggs]

I have no advice to offer, merely a hug (((((((((blackie))))))) Baggs

[blackie]

Hi

Thanks for the replies. It means a lot.

Danny- I guess i am feeling the pressure a bit. I really want to be able to go to university in October 2011 to take a masters. I managed a week long residential school there last year on my own. I had such a great time and felt like my old self again. Now i am losing confidence again and can barely leave the house. It seems so unfair. No matter how hard i try i still end up back at square one. My therepist is a great help but its hard to open up old scars. I think this has contributed most to the anxiety. In an ideal world she would like to see me three times a week but she can't. I have had to pay for this help because the NHS dont want to know. they just want to label people and put them on medication. I feel so much better know i am not on medication.

Thanks for the hugs baggs. Big help.

I just need to stay in a positive frame of mind and tell myself i can do things.

Thanks again for the replies
Blackie