Giving up

[Hannahlou84]

I feel so awful. I can't go on like this anymore. I just need something that helps, and doesn't make it worse. Think I am slowly going insane.

[suzi]

hiya

sorry to hear your so down. ive been trying to cope with depression for 5 years now and its not easy. i know how it feels when you hit a low and nothing anyone says or does makes you feel any better. do you have anyone you trust enough to talk to? i no you might not believe me i was skeptical too but it can make you feel better sometimes, just being able to vent you know? if your not on any meds it might be worth going to your gp too. it took me 2 years to admit i needed meds and help, but i do think they help once you find one which works for you.

if you want someone that understands to talk too ill have a clash with you!! im sure the others on this site will too, im new to all this but their support and info has helped me


anyway chin up x

[Hannahlou84]

Thanks.

I just can't see a wait out. I am giving my 6th lot of meds a try now... Not convinced though, feel worse, and they've given me so many that no excuse to go back for weeks. Just feel so alone.

[jackie]

hannahlou i hope you dont give up. it is people like you who make us newcomers not give up, to see a way out. give the meds a go, if not try herbal remedies or chinese herbalists that mojo tried and thought helped.

never think a medicine is your last hope for where there is life there is hope

chin up, you are not alone , i am having the anxiety from hell the last few days whilst trying to be a patient mum of a hormonal 12 year old and 4 boys under 3.

stay calm

jackie

[Hannahlou84]

Thanks Jackie,

I'm really not anything to look up to. It is people like you who cope with running families etc who put me to shame. I don't do anything worth while-- ever.

Just wish I could snap out of it. Meds are a complete last resort for me. I don't agree with them or the side effects, it's all against my principles. Which isn't helping.

[Hannahlou84]

I also kind of convinced myself Dad's not gone. That it was faked... but it's not, and I can't handle it. How sad is that? It's been almost 8 years!

[clickaway]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm really not anything to look up to. It is people like you who cope with running families etc who put me to shame. I don't do anything worth while-- ever.

<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 26 January 2006 : 17:03:29</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Hannah,

I am firmly of the principle that everyone on this planet has special qualities in all sorts of ways. Depression stops the self from seeing these and in addition to that people in your situation are often isolated and so lack the opportunity to explore new avenues with others. These avenues lead to all sorts of positive parts of your personality which you may not be aware of.

Its important that you recognise this and learn to "love yourself", seeing your self-worth which is hiding behind the darkness of this wretched depression.

I would suggest that those that have had dealings with you, post on this thread and give some positive feedback about you. How about it folks?



Ray

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[andrew]

hi hannahlou,

you sound really down, hug for you.
that makes sense to me, your feeling really down, you remember a really sad event (or even the other way around) your anxiety runs riot through it all until you cant see things straight .. its happened to us all, dont beat yourself up over it.
you are worthwhile, whether you feel it or not. trying to help others, whilst struggling yourself is a quality.
keep posting, try and keep your chin up, you take care .. andrew

[nomorepanic]

Hannah

Try and give this lot of meds at least 6 months before expecting any results. What are you on this time?

Nicola

[Hannahlou84]

Citalopram?

I am not expecting anything from them at the moment. Well, I am, but that was only for things to stay the same, and not for lots of it to get worse and blown out of proportion. I don't think meds agree with me.

I've only changed other medication because of GPs suggestion, ultimately anyway.

[Hannahlou84]

That and I don't have 6 months. I finish uni in less than that and need to be at least semi-OK by then. I am panicking about this already and not getting any reassurance when it's mentioned. I will die it I have to go back to my parents.

[Keitharcher]

Hi

You will survive, you are probably a survivior like the rest of us. If it is any help you can beat it. A few months ago I was sucidal with depression, thanks to a good GP and a desire to be well gain I think I have beat it. If I can do it, you will as well, so chin up and rember the only way is up

Keith

[Hannahlou84]

Thanks. It does mean a lot.

Once again I have proved how useless I am. Just wish I had somewhere to turn... Something to help. Why is there nothing?

[Hannahlou84]

What have I done wrong?!

I emailed R just like one of my other lecturers told me I would need to and still bloody nothing. At least if my friends had let me go see her I would've had something to be upset over, rather than her ignoring me yet a bloody again. I can't cope with this. I just wanna give up.

[Karen]

Don't give up Hannah.

You know how useless R is at responding to emails. If you need to talk to her about uni stuff then it is probably better to go and see her in person.

I know it can seem like everything is hopeless and I have been feeling like that a lot recently. However, you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Look at what you've come through already. You are still here and still fighting on.

Have you heard from El recently?

Karen x

[Hannahlou84]

Hiya,

Thanks. I don't think I'm very strong at all, and I am pretty certain you can't fight that much.

I haven't heard from El in a while, which is annoying as I am only trying to arrange an appt with her.

And R has just emailed. I am in shock and blushing a lot!! Haven't read it yet, can't!

[Hannahlou84]

Aww....

That's better.

5 weeks and 4 more emails later...

Why do I want more? Am shaking, need to squeeze people and keep blushing!! Grr.

[Karen]

Glad you are feeling better now Hannah.


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Why do I want more?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Because it is part of the obsessive attachment. No amount of contact is ever enough ti satisfy the obsession.

Karen x

[Hannahlou84]

Thanks Karen,

I only meant better about the email.

I am not feeling right at all. The food thing is getting on top of me. I can't see my arms for cuts, am as high as a kite and can't get hold of El. I just know as soon as it stops it's going to be utter dispair.

[Hannahlou84]

I hate myself even more now. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Everything that I try and do better just makes people even more upset/annoyed/disappointed in me.

I can't see a way out and don't know where to go for help.

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

I doubt anyone is cross or annoyed with you. This is just a case of negative interpretation on your part.

What about going to see your doctor again? Or telling the mental health counsellor at uni? Did you follow up on any of those links I found for you before?

You do know what to do because a lot of this:


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I guess another way to consider the question of whether or not you want to get better is to ask yourself if you want to feel like this forever. Do you?

For change to happen you are going to have a change in your thinking. I appreciate this isn't just going to happen, but if you give people the impression that you don't want to be helped, what incentive does this give them? What does it give you? It's OK to be scared of getting better, and it's OK to admit that too but you also have to be able to acknowledge that for you to be emotionally and physically healthy again somethings will have to change. But then you know this really, don't you?

I don't want to just say "you'll be OK" or anything empty. I know how hard it is to snap out of mindsets, I don't want to upset you, I just think it may help you to consider things a little more positively. Nobody's expecting you to be happy about your situation, you just need to know things need to change and to want it.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 29 January 2006 : 00:56:48</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

is advice you could apply to yourself.

How about it Hannah?


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[Hannahlou84]

Hi Karen,

Yes, I did follow up the links that you posted for me- thank you. I found a couple that may be appropriate- but I am waiting until I see El again in the next fortnight or so, as she offered to help me find someone down here if I felt I needed someone closer. So I will discuss this with her.

People have actually told me they are annoyed with me- so there wasn't really any interpretation of any kind. It is mainly over me going on about R. I am not going to lie and say I am OK about it all, because I'm now. I know I can't really go and talk to her again, that's almost bearable. I know cutting off from her totally would be what helps to fix this- but it just isn't practical when I still believe I need her and could bump into her at any time. I still need a little help with this before I can let go totally. I know this, and am still looking for appropriate help, but as you know this is practically non-existant with attachment issues, and all my other issues are tied into this.

I have tried talking to the MHA but it hasn't really got me anywhere. I leave feeling worse than I did when I got there which can't be good anyway. I am still keeping at it because there is nothing else. I have told her quite a bit more recently and it's all still stuck in a rut- so feel this won't go any further anyway.

As for my doctor I have written her a note for the next visit- she hasn't been around recently and I've had to see a different doctor anyway (which makes me uncomfortable) but after I have seen El again I will go back and see the doctor and update her with the current situation, and give her the note, which I also update.

I want change more than anything else in the world. I hate feeling like this- there have been times when things have been only a little better, and right now I would give anything even for that. I am still doing the CBT thought records daily, listening to both my hypnotherapy CDs daily, I am even trying to consume over 1,000 calories a day. I still don't know what I am doing wrong, because nothing seems to be helping- it's like "the more I try to feel the less I'm whole".

What would you or anyone else suggest next? I do try with other things- I am just not very good at posting about them whilst I am trying to keep on top of everything else.

Hannah x

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

Well done for all the efforts you are making to help yourself and to get some effective help. I'm sorry if my message sounded harsh last night. I shouldn't have replied while feeling so distressed myself.

It is a good plan to discuss where to go next with El when you see her and probably the sooner the better. It would be really helpful if she could recommend someone closer so that you can have regular help. Will you be able to afford to see a private therapist again? You could also show El the information from the local services which you think might help and ask her opinion.

When your friends say they are annoyed with you - it is not you 'Hannah' they are annoyed with, it is just some aspects of this illness. You are not the obsessive attachment; it is just something you are experiencing at present.

I am not entirely sure cutting contact with R would be the solution to these problems in the long run. From past experience, this just leads to forming another (and usually stronger) attachment to someone else and the pattern repeats itself. So not seeing R might eventually mean you stop obsessing about her, but the attachment issue is likely to continue. This is where some professional help is really needed because I am not able to get over this myself.

Well done for trying with the food. I know how difficult it is but it will help if you can keep to regular, small meals and a balanced diet. Working on the CBT stuff and using the hypnotherapy CDs is also good.

Are you managing to get out with your friends? How about getting in to uni for your lectures etc? Being with people and socialising is important. I have particularly noticed these past couple of weeks how much my isolation is not helping.

Keep going at it Hannah. You can get there.

Karen x

[Hannahlou84]

Hi Karen,

Your message didn't sound harsh last night, and I assumed you would be at least a little upset with me anyway, so didn't take it to heart. (See, I'm learning!)

I am not sure whether I will be able to afford a private therapist again, but then an NHS could take 5 months to come through, so I might try and make the best of what I have (or have occasional private sessions, with El, or a new therapist) and then once I have finished uni I should be able to afford private therapy again. I guess I am leaning towards private hypnotherapy because I have had the most success with El. I am sure El will be more than happy to give me her opinion! ;)

I agree with you about R. The contact needs to be cut carefully so that my feelings of attachment don't transfer onto someone else, and I am doing my best to avoid this in the only ways I can with the resources I have. I will just have to see how I cope, I guess. I am not feeling so distraught about it all today however, though I am too low to do anything much.

I am not really getting out with my friends, and when I do at the moment I have panic attacks, so I am doing my best to avoid doing it too much. I do get out with them probably once a week though, but that's mainly because I don't want to be on my own.

I haven't really been into uni all that much either, though we haven't had many lectures on, but that is what I am going to see my head of year about now R has contacted her (and a pretty fine job she made of it too). :) She does know me quite well.

It's just so difficult at the moment with not having any motivation to get on and do stuff. I am trying but I need to be writing and that is just one of the few things I really can't do when I feel like this-- which makes me feel worse in the end.

Thanks for your support, Karen. x

[Hannahlou84]

Today is difficult (again). I feel like crap. I just need a way to get away from myself, even for a short time-- me and all this work I need to do.

I am seeing El on Thursday though- going to be a long day. Will have to spend some time shopping in Bristol with my uni friend so it isn't a wasted journey for her. Just wish I could even look forward to that!

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[Karen]

Hi Hannah

It is good you are going to see El on Thursday. This is something to hold onto as I know how much seeing her helps you.

You said in your last post that you avoid going out with friends because of panic attacks. However, being alone isn't good for anyone with depression either, as I know only too well. Avoiding going out also reinforces the anxiety. Maybe you could start going out for short periods more regularly and gradually build up. Perhaps start by going to places that cause the least anxiety.

I'm glad R sorted out the uni stuff for you eventually.


Karen



Nothing tastes as good as thin feels

[Hannahlou84]

I am glad I am seeing El more than ever right now.

The thing with R is totally over (for reasons I won't go into on a public forum). I guess the only way now is forward.

I feel really rubbish about it, but it has to get easier, right?

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"

[chucklehound]

Hi hun, sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it but you deffinately aren't going insane. I hope you start to feel better soon XXXX

Take Care

Chucklehound

xxxx

[Hannahlou84]

I can't deal with this. Have just cut again so badly I can't see any skin on one of my arms. My housemates will go mental when they see it, and El won't be impressed when I tell her.

Fine- I can't cope. There, I've said it.

I want to email El, but can't until she's emailed me really as she's busy this weekend anyway. I don't want her to know how much of a failure I am. Was feeling guilty for not being able to eat, so ate loads of maltesers, and now feel worse.

On top of this I have to convince my head of year tomorrow that I am capable of finishing the course... [Sigh...]

Sorry, I just need someone to talk too. :(

"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"