B.B.M
01-05-10, 20:37
I have been suffering from Depression for about five years now.
It all began back during the last year I was in boarding school. I stayed on the extra year, to do a course up the college near there. I went there to do ICT, and was sent to do Life Skills, which I quit after a few weeks. I was mostly alone during this time, except I knew one person, but he would go off, and hang out with someone else. Spending Lunchtimes alone, wasn't the best. I would arrive back early to the ICT room, but always had to wait an hour or so. I ended up getting a Distinction for ICT.
After the year ended, I went home, to start college down there. Now...the big blow to being in Boarding school, is that your friends will forget about you....well, maybe not for some, but in my case, yes. So I had six weeks to wait, until I started college again...oh what to do. Oh yes...screw up my life by looking at crap on the internet. You know all those End Of The World predictions that are all over the Internet...yeah, I believed one. It was going to be a huge nuclear bomb, dropped by Russia, in septemeber 2006. As you can tell, nothing happened, but it got to me, and I was scared, but didn't do nothing big...Yet. Because I knew no-one at the college, apart from some old friends, who didn't care, Didn't say welcome back or anything. I would end up eating lunch alone...but not in a Cafeteria, no...outside...near a path...by a stoney carpark...what a great place to have lunch. I was afraid I would be judged if I went into the Cafeteria, heck...even if it was raining, I would still eat outside. That doesn't sound bad thought....but add three hours of waiting before the next lesson, and it gets to you. My mother didn't help things, because I was now home, I would have to get a Job. She would constantly pushed for me to get a Job. With all this stress, I would skip college, and would pretend to be at college, by leaving the house, and just stand around some area, for a few hours. Because I can't lie for long, I told my father, who said he will help me...my mother on the other hand...will never believe anything I say, ever again. Oh yeah, that will come back into play in a bit. So I was giving some Anti-depressants to help me, which they did, and I managed to get through the first year of college.
And then another summer holiday, with no friends and a bragging mother...what to do....TIME TO RETURN TO THE INTERNET....and that's where it all went wrong. I've seen stuff that would make someone stab their eyes. Oh yeah, and the end of the world fears had returned...this time, it's 2012. I became obsessed with the topic, searching about it for hours and hours. Summer finished, I bought myself a Laptop, and back to college....for three days. Due to being warn off, I quit college, and retired back to my room...and that's when we come to today.
Three years with the Internet..what could possibility go wrong....
I've got a HUGE fear of cancer, and a massive Hypochondriac. I still abit scared of 2012, even after proving how stupid it is, myself. I think people are judging me. I'm afraid to make friends. I have no Motivation. I have no self-esteem. I'm afraid of dying. and worse of all...I went back to the antidepressants, and haven't helped me one bit.
And only one person is helping me....kind of. And that's my father. He's doing his best, but he's only one person. Also, he takes over everything. Every Idea I have, Every Job Idea I come up with, He takes over. It's like he doesn't trust. I thought he would, since my mother doesn't.
Remember what I said above, When I told my mother I was skipping college...yeah, she still hasn't gotten over it. She thinks I'm faking all of this, so I don't have to get a Job. OH YEAH, ALL THOSE DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS, AND TABLETS ARE JUST TO STOP ME FROM WORKING. I can't talk to her about my depression, because if I do, she'll just go "Meh" and them mock me, by joking about hugs, and being scared about working.
It's come to the point now, where I hate my mother, and blaming her, for what I've become. I don't want to. But she can't see that.
She doesn't know what it's like to be lonely, scared, and trapped in a small square bedroom. It's amazing I'm sharing all of this, with the Internet, but not with my own mother, because she won't and will never understand.
I'm getting sick and tired, I feel like killing myself (Which I attempted twice) so I can escape this hellhole, I call my life.
After seeing this website, I realise, I'm not alone, and there are people going though the same thing. A place I can find help without being judged, and also help those like me. Hopefully with the help of this website I should overcome this.
It all began back during the last year I was in boarding school. I stayed on the extra year, to do a course up the college near there. I went there to do ICT, and was sent to do Life Skills, which I quit after a few weeks. I was mostly alone during this time, except I knew one person, but he would go off, and hang out with someone else. Spending Lunchtimes alone, wasn't the best. I would arrive back early to the ICT room, but always had to wait an hour or so. I ended up getting a Distinction for ICT.
After the year ended, I went home, to start college down there. Now...the big blow to being in Boarding school, is that your friends will forget about you....well, maybe not for some, but in my case, yes. So I had six weeks to wait, until I started college again...oh what to do. Oh yes...screw up my life by looking at crap on the internet. You know all those End Of The World predictions that are all over the Internet...yeah, I believed one. It was going to be a huge nuclear bomb, dropped by Russia, in septemeber 2006. As you can tell, nothing happened, but it got to me, and I was scared, but didn't do nothing big...Yet. Because I knew no-one at the college, apart from some old friends, who didn't care, Didn't say welcome back or anything. I would end up eating lunch alone...but not in a Cafeteria, no...outside...near a path...by a stoney carpark...what a great place to have lunch. I was afraid I would be judged if I went into the Cafeteria, heck...even if it was raining, I would still eat outside. That doesn't sound bad thought....but add three hours of waiting before the next lesson, and it gets to you. My mother didn't help things, because I was now home, I would have to get a Job. She would constantly pushed for me to get a Job. With all this stress, I would skip college, and would pretend to be at college, by leaving the house, and just stand around some area, for a few hours. Because I can't lie for long, I told my father, who said he will help me...my mother on the other hand...will never believe anything I say, ever again. Oh yeah, that will come back into play in a bit. So I was giving some Anti-depressants to help me, which they did, and I managed to get through the first year of college.
And then another summer holiday, with no friends and a bragging mother...what to do....TIME TO RETURN TO THE INTERNET....and that's where it all went wrong. I've seen stuff that would make someone stab their eyes. Oh yeah, and the end of the world fears had returned...this time, it's 2012. I became obsessed with the topic, searching about it for hours and hours. Summer finished, I bought myself a Laptop, and back to college....for three days. Due to being warn off, I quit college, and retired back to my room...and that's when we come to today.
Three years with the Internet..what could possibility go wrong....
I've got a HUGE fear of cancer, and a massive Hypochondriac. I still abit scared of 2012, even after proving how stupid it is, myself. I think people are judging me. I'm afraid to make friends. I have no Motivation. I have no self-esteem. I'm afraid of dying. and worse of all...I went back to the antidepressants, and haven't helped me one bit.
And only one person is helping me....kind of. And that's my father. He's doing his best, but he's only one person. Also, he takes over everything. Every Idea I have, Every Job Idea I come up with, He takes over. It's like he doesn't trust. I thought he would, since my mother doesn't.
Remember what I said above, When I told my mother I was skipping college...yeah, she still hasn't gotten over it. She thinks I'm faking all of this, so I don't have to get a Job. OH YEAH, ALL THOSE DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS, AND TABLETS ARE JUST TO STOP ME FROM WORKING. I can't talk to her about my depression, because if I do, she'll just go "Meh" and them mock me, by joking about hugs, and being scared about working.
It's come to the point now, where I hate my mother, and blaming her, for what I've become. I don't want to. But she can't see that.
She doesn't know what it's like to be lonely, scared, and trapped in a small square bedroom. It's amazing I'm sharing all of this, with the Internet, but not with my own mother, because she won't and will never understand.
I'm getting sick and tired, I feel like killing myself (Which I attempted twice) so I can escape this hellhole, I call my life.
After seeing this website, I realise, I'm not alone, and there are people going though the same thing. A place I can find help without being judged, and also help those like me. Hopefully with the help of this website I should overcome this.