View Full Version : Anxiety is a symptom
I've been thinking recently about what we're actually saying when we state we suffer from anxiety. Do we?
Well yes but what are the causes that create our anxiety? Firstly, would you say you have any or all of these traits?....
Lack of confidence
Sensitive
A worrier
Intense
A perfectionist
Conscientious
Shy
An introvert
Caring
Emotional
Then can you think of any experience(s) past or present that is or has caused you alot of distress?
Examples would be such as...
Emotional or physical abuse
Abandonment
Belittling
Made to feel unimportant
Bullied
Too much stress at home and/or at work
So what I'm saying is if you add any of the above traumas to our traits, what results?
Anxiety in our daily lives
However, there is more to it than this...
Imagine being placed in a tight fitting box in total darkness except for a couple of tiny holes to allow you to breathe. How would you feel?
Stressed?
Trapped?
No escape?
And what would these feelings cause you to experience?...
Panics
Palpitations
Shallow breathing
And above all else....
FEAR of dying
And what happens when we mix our traits with trauma caused by emotional or physical distress added to too much stress past and/or present?
We become anxious and focus on our fear of dying so we concentrate our minds on our anxious feelings and develop health anxieties.
So therefore, I feel anxiety is really a symptom created by underlying causes and what we actually suffer from is Fear. After all, how many times do you read posts that say "I'm So afraid of...."
So....what do we really need to cure?
Our fears
Then how?
Well, meds will ease them but they don't make fear go away. Firstly I feel we have to analyse our traits and although we can't and shouldn't change what makes us who we are, we should though remember to accept who we are and look at ways to improve aspects of our personalities that hinder us.
Then I would say, look at the traumas past or present that are affecting us and ask ourselves what we feel we need or need to do to address them or help us come to terms with what cannot be changed.
Finally, I'd say look at what stresses we're experiencing in the present and look at ways to ease them and find ways to make life worth living by bringing enjoyment into our daily lives.
One last thing to remember...
Experiencing fear and its symptoms are Perfectly Natural and with our traits and experiences I feel we will always suffer from a degree of anxiety BUT anxiety symptoms ONLY become a problem if we keep thinking about them ALL the time because our fears get out of hand due to past bad experiences and/or too much stress in the present.
If though you receive the right help to treat the underlying causes to your anxiety symptoms then it becomes possible to live with Who and What makes you the caring sensitive people you Are!:)
guitarpants
02-05-10, 05:41
Bill, you need to write a book, seriously.
Pinkangels
02-05-10, 09:10
What an interesting post. Makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing! :yesyes:
bill - this is exactly what i am doing! i have to say that my latest set back has really made me look at how i am too hard on myself, where i can be too caring/involved in the problems of others, where i do not make time for me to wind down and relax, where i worry so much about what may happen, where i negative think instead of looking on the positive side. i believe my anxiety comes back every few years in a MAJOR way because it is a build up of me NOT having yet addressed all these things.
for the first time ever i did not go back to my gp for meds. i put everything i have read/learned into practice and it has taken 6 weeks BUT it is starting to work wonders!!!!!
i like to think of anxiety as a corridor of fire. most of us start by accepting and working on our anxiety and so we walk a tiny distance down the corridor - a new stress/new symptom/new wave of panic sends us scuttling back to the beginning because we lack confidence and trust in ourselves to overcome it. we do this over and over again - hence the change of meds/change in dose over a period of many years because we are not truly dealing with it - we are still afraid of the fire!
well - i am pretty much 3/4 of the way down the corridor now and if we all sat tight and could have the trust and inner confidence to understand that we are being taken for a ride by our anxiety - then we could all come out the other side!
put it this way - if we have the flu - we feel terrible but we expect to feel terrible and we just ride it out - this is what we need to do with anxiety!
sarah jayne
02-05-10, 12:44
What an excellent post ! What you have stated definately makes sense.
Sarah x
Great post Bill, such a clever man x
Hi Bill.....another excellent post.I wrote something similar awhile ago,but as usual had no replies.Everything you are saying is so true,good to see you writing again..:D
Love Rhonda xx
RainbowGirl
03-05-10, 04:19
What a brilliant post! Thank you for this :)
RG x
If I can provide a little insight and understanding about anxiety so that it helps others to take a tiny step forward then it makes it all worth typing. I'm just glad to be of help!
I always feel that to defeat an enemy you must first understand it so that you can develop the right weapons to fight against it. Anxiety takes many forms and affects people in different ways so I always worry about making things sound too simplistic or generalising about a subject that is much more complex. I realise therefore that some people will relate whereas others may not because their causes and symptoms are completely different.
Something you said Joannap reminded me about in incident in my past....
i like to think of anxiety as a corridor of fire. most of us start by accepting and working on our anxiety and so we walk a tiny distance down the corridor - a new stress/new symptom/new wave of panic sends us scuttling back to the beginning because we lack confidence and trust in ourselves to overcome it. we do this over and over again - hence the change of meds/change in dose over a period of many years because we are not truly dealing with it - we are still afraid of the fire!
When I was in my teens, there was the odd bully who used to pick on me. One day I decided I'd had enough and stood up to them, and they then backed down. Anxiety can be like that. It intimidates without substance so that when you stand up to it and tell it that it can't scare you, it will Always back off and leave you alone.
Anyway, it was really about the corridor of fire you mentioned. To proof my worth, I thought I had an opportunity at school to fight back against those who thought they were better than me. I was a good athlete and the teacher even told my parents I should take it up as a career but I never did.
One day the school held it's track competition. I was always good at 200M so in front of the crowd and these bullies I knew I could do well. I ran as fast as I could and was heading for one of the best times recorded but just a few metres from the line I encountered a dip on the grass running track. I lost my balance and fell. Needless to say, I was right in front of the crowd and got the obvious jeering. I refused to give in and insisted on running again but it had taken too much out of me and so my second run was nowhere near as fast.
Anyway, there are similarities with the above with anxiety. Each day we run down the track doing our daily business and each day we encounter different issues that affect us. Often at work, we are given just a little bit more to do or put under that little bit more pressure which we accept because we want to prove our worth and further our careers.
However, each day we run down the track, over the years we gradually carry a little extra weight without us even realising it until suddenl without warning we fall because anxiety surfaces. The anxiety symptoms make us feel So ill that they convince us we Must be ill so we go to the doctors for medical tests or for meds to find the causes behind our palpitations and giddy feelings.
Anxiety deceives us into thinking we're ill when we're not. The mind is simply trying to tell us that we've reached our limit and can't take on anymore.
However, once we exceed our limits and fall, the shock causes us to lose Confidence. In it's place, we feel Fear and Doubt. We question everything with "What If's" and dwell on every feeling we experience because the symptoms frighten us so much.
Anxiety deceives then feeds off our fear to keep it alive. If we starve it, the symptoms melt away.
In the same way, when an athlete begins his race he only thinks about reaching the finishing line in the fastest possible time. One day just as I did, he may experience a fall and as a result lose his confidence. All he then thinks about is "What if" it happens again in front of the jeering crowd. Instead of thinking of the finishing line, he then dwells on the thoughts of failing. His anxiety increases at the thought of it happening again and as he dwells on these thoughts, so his anxiety symptoms worsen because his fear feeds his anxiety until he reaches the point where he feels he just can't move because he feels too ill with sweating, palpitations, not being able to breathe. He freezes with fright and is left at the beginning while the others complete the race.......and all because "on one day and in one race, he fell and lost his confidence."
Meds would help to ease the anxiety symptoms but until he races again and re-trains his mind to think about winning and instead falling, the anxiety will always remain.
As I often say, the cure can Never be found because the cure never actually went away. It just gets masked by anxiety because if we find the cure again, anxiety knows it will starve and melt away so it does it's best by keeping us trapped through making us focus continually on our fear. Stand up to it and it doesn't know what to do!
However, we always feel we must fight against anxiety to defeat it but that's another way it uses to deceive us. If we try to fight against anxiety and so try to resist the feelings, we tense up. This tension causes stress and a little more pressure which results in More anxious feelings.
Fighting against anxiety means treating it with contempt. "Do what you like becaise I just Don't care!"...and That's how you stand up to it. If you Truly believe in those words, you starve your anxiety and the feelings disappear. It's also much more effective than meds although sometimes anxiety can feel so great that meds can be used as allies in times of great need.
Just like the corridor of fire, anxiety can also be a whirlpool because once the symptoms start, anxiety can suck you down making you feel powerless with no way out and the more it makes you feel trapped, the more panicky you feel and the more it can feed on your thoughts trained on it.
Keep calm, relaxed, be patient, practice "I don't care", find ways to reduce stress, "Gradually" re-build confidence and try to ignore frightening thoughts and feelings by focusing on each step to the finishing line........and anxiety Will be defeated enough to allow you to run your daily races. It just takes the right weapons for the individual....and time to recover!:hugs:
guitarpants
04-05-10, 06:31
Bill, I'm serious by the way. You should write a book. You are able to empathize and relate to anxiety sufferers. Most psychologists, psychiatrists, and doctors can't even begin to do that. If you combined alone what you've posted on this forum, refined and compiled it, I'm sure you could get published somewhere.
Hi Bill:)Another great post.I am going to print your posts,I think I will save on paying my Psychologist,who tells me the same things you write about.I wish I could meet you in person and tell you what a lovely,kind and thoughtfull man you are.You don,t know it ,but you are helping me greatly.....THANK YOU.xxx
Rhonda xx:D
Hello Bill,
I just wanted to say that I agree wholehartedly with Rhonda. Your post, as always, was brilliant. You just "get" the whole anxiety thing so well! You helped me so much in the past when I was at my worst. I really miss your posts when you have a quiet spell!
I hope you are doing ok yourself and you have maybe found some help for your situation also hoping that your mum is still doing alright at the moment.
Your help to people on NMP is so much appreciated but always remember that we are here for you too should you need us.
Take care. Judy.x:hugs:
Veronica H
04-05-10, 09:43
:bighug1:Thanks Bill.
Veronicax
NotResponding
04-05-10, 14:05
This is a great post very clear and easily read. Alot of people with anxiety (I assume) are stuck in this terrible kind of loop that gets stronger every time a loop is complete (if that makes sense)...And Ive considered that; facing past traumas will relieve the fear, but unfortunately a good councillor seems hard to come by.
Excellent post, very helpful :)
NinjaXero,
I did read your earlier post but I wasn't sure what to say. I just feel I'm a sufferer like everyone else on here but I guess that on the whole I've learnt how to deal with anxiety. In a way it's like my loyal companion...always there but I just have to tell it to shut up sometimes!
I think books should be left to professionals. I've never studied the subject, just always lived with it and I know I don't know everything but my hope is that if I can share something that helps someone else to find their smiles again then I'm happy too!
I know what you mean about professionals though. In my experience, I've often found they know what to say but because they've never experienced anxiety they can't empathise or understand as a fellow sufferer would. It's the same for most conditions...you have to experience them to truly understand how it makes others feel and I always think that to treat an anxiety sufferer, they must have faith in what you're saying because any doubt creates anxiety so the therapy will never work.
Judy,
It was My pleasure to do what I could to help you and although I'm quiet at times, it doesn't normally mean I've gone anywhere so you or anyone else for that matter only need shout and I'll reply with my thoughts.:hugs:
Ronny,
I'm just glad to be of help. You and anyone else are always most welcome to print off any of my posts. You may find some of the old threads I've posted might help you too. Like I say though, I'm not a professional so I may not always be right but there might be something in there you can relate with!
I've never paid for any help but I must admit we are lucky here to have the NHS which enabled me to visit counsellors, psychologists etc for the help I needed. I did find though that the only person who I felt Really helped me was a psychologist I visited when I went through my worst phase. He explained to me the reasons why my anxiety became so bad but also pointed out the options I had to ease my stresses. However, things did become much worse after that before they gradually got better and if I'm honest I'd have to say things only did get better because I decided if I didn't help myself I was just going to sink. Maybe the benefit of that though is when you pull yourself out of a deep hole you're then able to share your experiences with others in the hope you can help them too.
NotResponding,
I've always found counsellors frustrating too despite people often saying to me I should become one!..No way! I could never remain objective and I hurt to easily because I feel others pain too much. The thing I've found about counsellors is that they never give you answers because I think their job is to help you find the answers yourself by getting you to open up and make you think for yourself. I think I can understand the approach and the reasons why though. One thing to remember about counselling therapy is that it can take a Long time before you notice any changes in yourself. It's often so gradual that others around you will notice the improvements before yourself and then suddenly you'll look back and think "Oh yeah...I have changed haven't I" and it'll come as a surprise.
I think in our minds we have lots of closed doors we just don't want to open because what's inside hurts too much to think about. Counsellors get you to open these doors one by one which is why sufferers often feel worse when counselling begins. Just like open wounds, they have to be aired to allow healing but they often sting alot at first so you have to give the treatment time before you see the benefits.
One little thing is often we have behaviours that we don't think anything about but there's often an underlying reason behind them that we're unaware of. For instance, you may straighten your curtains every day so that they're perfectly in line. You think nothing of it because it's become a habit. However, a counsellor might pick up on it and raise the question "Why?". You then think about it and say that if they were out of line, it would be a bad refection on yourself and neighbours might think you're a bad mother because if you can't keep control of your curtains, you might not be in control of yourself and your family........and then it comes down to that word "control". Trying to control of you, your life and everything around you but trying to control things beyond your control then creates anxiety so that you then find that straightening curtains is just the tip of the iceberg because you then discover other habits which are similar symptoms of perfectionism and attempts of control to keep you and those around you safe.
We always feel the need to stay safe which means walking a rigid path to stay in control because we fear that if we veer of our path we'll lose control of ourselves. We have a need to feel secure which means everything must be in its place which is part of our perfectionism trait. The problem with keeping such a rigid path is that it creates tension and stress because of our fear of moving off it or by making mistakes so we try to avoid things that we feel threaten our safety such as avoiding going out and being exact.
Perfectionism creates alot of tension so that when we feel something isn't exactly right, we start to worry about it due to our lack of confidence and this then leads to anxiety which then surfaces in the form of OCD. Life though simply can't be controlled so that even when we try to be exact or avoid going out, anxiety remains with us indoors. We invite fear to reside with us and then we feel trapped causing more stress and anxiety.
To learn to live with anxiety, we have to allow ourselves to release our grip on trying to control everything. Allow yourself to not be exact when it doesn't really matter. Allow yourself to walk off your safe path by allowing yourself to experience the things that frighten you and not try to avoid them. Be more carefree and learn to accept life for what it is. Bad things happen but so do good things. It's just life. We can do our best to keep safe but there's no need to be perfect in everything we do.
When people say to learn to relax, I feel it also means learning a relaxed approach to life in everything we do and everything we encounter hence acceptance and not trying to control everything.
Anyway, just a few more thoughts.:hugs:
I forgot to say Thank You Veronica! x
Lauren Chambers
05-05-10, 12:26
Hey, this is such a great post, I enjoyed reading it! Thanks for taking the time to write it. I have this quote that I really like "LIKE PAIN, FEAR CAN BE CONTROLLED"
I also love this poster below:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_ISSia8AAv_w/ScGWHgT8KCI/AAAAAAAAAjU/2gyoTD8PeWw/s400/Keep+Calm+and+Carry+On+(red).jpg
Lauren x
excellent post :yesyes: xx
"LIKE PAIN, FEAR CAN BE CONTROLLED"
Lauren,
Something to consider regarding your quote...it's that word "control" again. There is a right way and a wrong way to tackle fear. If we try to control our fear by trying to resist and push the anxious feelings away, we create tension in our body making the symtoms worse. As you rightly say in your poster, the right way is to keep calm and carry on by focusing on what you're doing rather than the anxious symptoms you're feeling. Your fear is then controlled because you don't allow yourself to dwell on it.
Not long ago I was out going around the shops and without warning I suddenly came over feeling anxious. Immediately my mind was trained on my feelings as an instinctive reaction wondering where they came from. My mind then triggered into thinking how long I needed to stay out and how I would cope, and this worry then made the symptoms feel worse.
I knew though that to stop the feelings was to nip them them in the bud so I did 3 things. Firstly, I focused on my muscles, especially the tummy muscles because when we feel anxious, we tense up and often this results in us holding our tummy muscles in and tight. I made sure I relaxed the muscles by simply releasing them. The second part was then to make sure I relaxed my chest so I could breathe properly to prevent shallow breathing as this induces panic. The third thing I did was to engage in conversation with the shop owner simply by thinking of anything to ask or comment on. This then works as a distraction to stop you thinking about your anxious feelings whilst allowing your body time to relax. After I had done these things, the feelings had passed and for the rest of the time I was out I was fine.
Something else I was thinking about tonight related to 2 of our traits....Sensitivity and Lack of Confidence - How they relate to each other and how they cause anxiety.
We're naturally sensitive people but are we born with a lack of confidence or is it how others treat us who knock our confidence? I think that because we're sensitive in nature, anything bad that is said to us will affect us more than those who are thick skinned. Also I feel that when we're young, if others such as our parents try to be helpful by doing things for us or try to be over-protective, we never get the opportunity to build confidence in our own abilities.
I think that over time we are gradually hit by bad events or comments which as we grow older begin to affect us more than when we were young because as we grow older, we are burdened with more responsibilty. We then have to stand on our own two feet but because of our sensitive nature and events we have endured, this new feeling of responsibility such as raising a family, moving out etc causes more pressure because we no longer have our parents to take the responsibilities for us. Therefore, this added pressure causes alot of stress which when combined with our sensitivity and endured events then causes us our lack of confidence because we don't believe in our own abilities. This then means we worry causing self-doubt and indecision because our safety blanket in the form of our parents is no longer there. Also though, because our self-esteem has been knocked so much due to our sensitivity we then feel worthless because of our inability to make decisions and do things for ourselves.
Another aspect is that I feel we're often born with insecurity so that if we're left alone alot, we can then feel no one loves us which in effect is another trauma because we can feel abandoned and unimportant even if it was not done deliberately because our parents had to work or our brothers and sisters decided to leave home to get on with their own lives. However, because we're sensitive, we will feel these events more than others.
Basically, we are born with certain traits which make us vulnerable and if we're not nurtured correctly in our early life, bad events can then affect us adversely so that combined with our traits we develop anxiety when we are loaded with responsibility which we struggle to cope with due to our lack of confidence.
I was thinking this evening about how you re-build the lost confidence?
If a person suffers a panic attack as a result of too much much stress, the attack can frighten them into feeling they have to stay safe at home. Again, you can see the connection with insecurity, sensitivity and of course lack of confidence.
This person could feel that to re-build their confidence, they have to force themselves to keep going out but when they attempt to, they immediately suffer another attack forcing them back indoors again. The attempt had the reverse effect by destroying their confidence further.
This leads back to the the beginning... "LIKE PAIN, FEAR CAN BE CONTROLLED". If you try to control your fear by resisting causing you to tense up, even before you step outside the door, you're already defeated because you can never re-build confidence if you don't approach fear in the right way first.
As you say, before you step outside the door you have to learn how to "keep calm" so you can "carry on" once you're outside.
I found the best approach is to go out on the spur of the moment without planning because when you know when and where you need to go too much in advance, the mind starts working overdrive worrying about all the "what ifs" causing you to be a nervous wreck before you step out the door and of course then its an ordeal to be endured because for the entire time you're out, you're focusing your attention on your worries, fears and the anxious symptoms they produce.
The key is to Not think about how you're feeling and focus instead on what you're doing.
However, I feel there is more to re-building confidence than just attempting to overcome fears.....
My own feeling is that we have to re-build confidence within us in a more general approach. For instance, if we set ourselves challenges "unconnected" to our fears or anxiety and then achieve those objectives, we then feel better about ourselves and our own abilities. If we repeat this approach in a variety of objectives, our self-esteem and confidence should improve because then we'll feel we can achieve anything we set our minds to which then leads to giving us strength to overcome our fears.
These objectives I think could be simple things such as constructive hobbies producing something with an end result we can see or even decorating, gardening or making things etc.
This is only me thinking outloud but I feel the more we achieve, the more our confidence should build but also these achievements will also help to focus the mind away from anxious feelings. Remember, the more you focus on feelings, the worse they'll feel. Any way you find to forget them, the more they'll decline making you feel more capable.
I just feel that building confidence isn't just about tackling fears. It's also finding ways to make us feel good about ourselves so that feel stronger and more capable which then enables us to cope with the responsibilities of life.
Just some thoughts...right or wrong.:hugs:
Pinkangels
06-05-10, 11:46
Bill, I do thoroughly enjoy reading your post :hugs:
I definately agree with your "spur of the moment" decision to do things. I find I overly think things way to much. Its exactly as you said you start building up the doubt and "what ifs"
I have only done it a couple of times.
On one occasion driving down to an animal shelter, out of my town (which is my comfort zone) and having never dared go anywhere previously in case I get lost or run out of petrol (what ifs!) I just got in the car with the kids and done it, and although I have struggled with PA when driving, and did drive about 10 miles out of my way and didnt find the animal shelter! (no sat nav, and my sense of direction is shocking lol) I did it.
I am going to keep using this approach for sure.
Thanks again Bill, keep posting :yesyes:
fab posts Bill, as always very interesting and great reading, also very true xxhugsxx
Good to see you're still around dear Donna.:hugs:
Pinkangels:hugs:
I think it's all part of this feeling of needing to keep safe so we end up planning and arranging to avoid situations where we feel at risk. However, by being so rigid, it creates tension so that beforehand we start thinking of all the "what ifs" and during the trip we then also panic when things don't go to plan and when we feel forced off our planned "safe path".
This I feel is a good example of not just learning relaxation techniques but also learning how to adopt a more relaxed approach to living in general so we can say to ourselves "so what" when things don't go to plan.
It comes down to fear. All our worries and "what ifs" are created by our fear of being in situations that cause us to panic which is why it's so important that we not only don't give up but more importantly learn the correct way to face fears.
So many times people say they have confronted a fear but feel exhausted afterwards or failed because it's been too much of an ordeal. It's only an effort or a person ends up feeling exhausted because they've prepared themselves to fight off their fears before and during the attempt.
Confronting fears shouldn't be approached like that because if you're in such an anxious terrified state before the attempt, a person is bound to fail because they're already focusing on their anxious feelings too much. To attempt in the wrong way also destroys confidence when you need to build confidence to defeat fear.
However, it's perfectly natural to feel a little anxious before attempting to confront a fear but confidence can only be built when we learn to not focus on anxious feelings.
For instance, an athlete will nervous before a race but if they focus so much on their anxious feelings they'll be unable to run because they'll end up frozen with fear. The athlete can only complete his race by preparing correctly so that they use their adrenalin to their advantage to enable them to run faster and once they're running that they them focus on each step taken and the finishing line.
In other words, simply put, don't focus your thoughts inwardly on how you feel but instead outwardly on what you need to do to obtain what you want to achieve.
Who needs a satnav? Just step out the door, get in the car and drive wherever the fancy takes you!...then follow the signposts home from wherever you end up. Sometimes its better to be somewhere unfamiliar because it makes your mind focus on how to get home and not on how anxious you feel about being away from your safe path. Expanding boundaries can increase confidence because you prove to yourself how capable you really are....but it can only be achieved with an "I don't care" attitude to begin with.
Time allows time to focus on fears but if you can learn to say "so what" to those fears, the fears won't materialise so you'll then find you actually had nothing to fear or worry about anyway.
I'm glad I've been of some help to you.:hugs:
I was thinking the other day of a lovely Australian woman and friend I made via posts on here who we very sadly lost. Seeing other Australians on here always reminds me of her and others I used to know on here.
Anyway, I know this is one of the posts that she found helpful so I think if I bump this up, she would have liked to think it might help others too.
My lovely sister had printed off your posts Bill.:D.We still miss her and her wonderful wicked sense of humour.
Thank-you for bumping up this thread xx.
I didn't know she had a sister and it's really lovely to know she told you. I had no idea. I often think of her because although I only knew her from her posts, she sounded a really lovely woman so it really upset me when I heard the news because I grew very fond of her and cared about her very much. I would have loved to have known her and tried my best to help her further but I will always remember her.
Thank you so much for posting this message. You sound as kind as your sister was who I will always miss. :hugs:
I lost my only sister too just over a year ago.
A few years ago I was in a shop and the young woman assistant had cuts on her arm. At the time I thought to myself they looked self-inflicted and it made me feel very sad and I wanted to help her but the shop was busy and I didn't know if I should say anything to her or not. However, when I got home it kept nagging me so a week later I went back to the shop and plucked up the courage to ask her what happened to her arm. She smiled at me and simply said "You know, don't you". We both wanted to talk further but again the shop was busy so all I could do was hand her some information to help her and she told me she was getting professional help. I went back again to see if I could find out how she was getting on but the shop had closed down. I never knew her name and had no way of finding out how she was getting on but to this day. the memory of her has stayed with me and I often wonder and hope she's doing ok.
The point to the story is that like your sister, I wish I could have done more to help her but all too often life creates situations where people pass like ships in the night and we're left with just fond memories of lovely people we only fleetingly were given the chance to know but those memories always stay with us because to me the memory of your sister will always be special to me. x
Hello Bill.:)
So sorry you lost your only sister, I have missed Rhonda we were the closest out of all my sisters,not long after she passed I lost both our parents I know they were both I'll but still reckon they died from a broken heart.
Thank-you for your beautiful posts I know she cherished them. Xxx.
snowghost57
16-03-17, 01:17
bill - this is exactly what i am doing! i have to say that my latest set back has really made me look at how i am too hard on myself, where i can be too caring/involved in the problems of others, where i do not make time for me to wind down and relax, where i worry so much about what may happen, where i negative think instead of looking on the positive side. i believe my anxiety comes back every few years in a MAJOR way because it is a build up of me NOT having yet addressed all these things.
for the first time ever i did not go back to my gp for meds. i put everything i have read/learned into practice and it has taken 6 weeks BUT it is starting to work wonders!!!!!
i like to think of anxiety as a corridor of fire. most of us start by accepting and working on our anxiety and so we walk a tiny distance down the corridor - a new stress/new symptom/new wave of panic sends us scuttling back to the beginning because we lack confidence and trust in ourselves to overcome it. we do this over and over again - hence the change of meds/change in dose over a period of many years because we are not truly dealing with it - we are still afraid of the fire!
well - i am pretty much 3/4 of the way down the corridor now and if we all sat tight and could have the trust and inner confidence to understand that we are being taken for a ride by our anxiety - then we could all come out the other side!
put it this way - if we have the flu - we feel terrible but we expect to feel terrible and we just ride it out - this is what we need to do with anxiety!
Joann, I enjoyed your post. Do you have any more suggestions on how we can fight this fire without meds?
I know what you mean about fighting the fire but in a sense, one tip is actually not to fight it.
To try and explain, when we fight against anxiety, we're trying to resist it. For instance, you might have an intrusive thought that frightens you so you try to stop yourself thinking it or try to resist the panicky feelings it's causing you. In trying to resist, you cause tension in the body so your muscles constrict and you might start taking quick shallow breaths which causes you to panic. Therefore, in trying to fight off frightening thoughts or the feelings they cause, you end up making things worse because you're actually providing fuel to your anxiety keeping the feelings alive.
I know this may sound strange but you need to do the opposite to put the fire out. It's like seeing a fire which scares you but saying to yourself it's just an illusion, I don't need to fight it because it can't actually burn me. It's not real. It has no power.
You see, by not fighting, you relax so your body doesn't tense up. Anxiety is prevented from it's fuel and the illusion it creates melts away because it no longer causes you any fear. You accept the thought for just being a thought and you allow yourself to ignore and forget it.
It's a bit like seeing a ghost that says Boo. It scares you at first and you want to run away but if you can convince yourself it can't harm you, it will melt away because in reality it can only say Boo and do no actual harm to you.
So next time something frightens you, don't fight it. Let it go through you by saying something to yourself such as "Well, that's a silly thought to have" and don't resist it so your body doesn't tense up.
I don't know if that's of any help but that's one tip for you.
Karina, my sister became ill just before I lost my mother. She didn't tell my mother and I lost her 3 years after my mother. Life can be very cruel and sad. I'm glad I was able to give Rhonda a little happiness but I really wish I could have done so much more to help such a lovely kind caring lady. x
snowghost57
16-03-17, 16:31
If I can provide a little insight and understanding about anxiety so that it helps others to take a tiny step forward then it makes it all worth typing. I'm just glad to be of help!
I always feel that to defeat an enemy you must first understand it so that you can develop the right weapons to fight against it. Anxiety takes many forms and affects people in different ways so I always worry about making things sound too simplistic or generalising about a subject that is much more complex. I realise therefore that some people will relate whereas others may not because their causes and symptoms are completely different.
Something you said Joannap reminded me about in incident in my past....
i like to think of anxiety as a corridor of fire. most of us start by accepting and working on our anxiety and so we walk a tiny distance down the corridor - a new stress/new symptom/new wave of panic sends us scuttling back to the beginning because we lack confidence and trust in ourselves to overcome it. we do this over and over again - hence the change of meds/change in dose over a period of many years because we are not truly dealing with it - we are still afraid of the fire!
When I was in my teens, there was the odd bully who used to pick on me. One day I decided I'd had enough and stood up to them, and they then backed down. Anxiety can be like that. It intimidates without substance so that when you stand up to it and tell it that it can't scare you, it will Always back off and leave you alone.
Anyway, it was really about the corridor of fire you mentioned. To proof my worth, I thought I had an opportunity at school to fight back against those who thought they were better than me. I was a good athlete and the teacher even told my parents I should take it up as a career but I never did.
One day the school held it's track competition. I was always good at 200M so in front of the crowd and these bullies I knew I could do well. I ran as fast as I could and was heading for one of the best times recorded but just a few metres from the line I encountered a dip on the grass running track. I lost my balance and fell. Needless to say, I was right in front of the crowd and got the obvious jeering. I refused to give in and insisted on running again but it had taken too much out of me and so my second run was nowhere near as fast.
Anyway, there are similarities with the above with anxiety. Each day we run down the track doing our daily business and each day we encounter different issues that affect us. Often at work, we are given just a little bit more to do or put under that little bit more pressure which we accept because we want to prove our worth and further our careers.
However, each day we run down the track, over the years we gradually carry a little extra weight without us even realising it until suddenl without warning we fall because anxiety surfaces. The anxiety symptoms make us feel So ill that they convince us we Must be ill so we go to the doctors for medical tests or for meds to find the causes behind our palpitations and giddy feelings.
Anxiety deceives us into thinking we're ill when we're not. The mind is simply trying to tell us that we've reached our limit and can't take on anymore.
However, once we exceed our limits and fall, the shock causes us to lose Confidence. In it's place, we feel Fear and Doubt. We question everything with "What If's" and dwell on every feeling we experience because the symptoms frighten us so much.
Anxiety deceives then feeds off our fear to keep it alive. If we starve it, the symptoms melt away.
In the same way, when an athlete begins his race he only thinks about reaching the finishing line in the fastest possible time. One day just as I did, he may experience a fall and as a result lose his confidence. All he then thinks about is "What if" it happens again in front of the jeering crowd. Instead of thinking of the finishing line, he then dwells on the thoughts of failing. His anxiety increases at the thought of it happening again and as he dwells on these thoughts, so his anxiety symptoms worsen because his fear feeds his anxiety until he reaches the point where he feels he just can't move because he feels too ill with sweating, palpitations, not being able to breathe. He freezes with fright and is left at the beginning while the others complete the race.......and all because "on one day and in one race, he fell and lost his confidence."
Meds would help to ease the anxiety symptoms but until he races again and re-trains his mind to think about winning and instead falling, the anxiety will always remain.
As I often say, the cure can Never be found because the cure never actually went away. It just gets masked by anxiety because if we find the cure again, anxiety knows it will starve and melt away so it does it's best by keeping us trapped through making us focus continually on our fear. Stand up to it and it doesn't know what to do!
However, we always feel we must fight against anxiety to defeat it but that's another way it uses to deceive us. If we try to fight against anxiety and so try to resist the feelings, we tense up. This tension causes stress and a little more pressure which results in More anxious feelings.
Fighting against anxiety means treating it with contempt. "Do what you like becaise I just Don't care!"...and That's how you stand up to it. If you Truly believe in those words, you starve your anxiety and the feelings disappear. It's also much more effective than meds although sometimes anxiety can feel so great that meds can be used as allies in times of great need.
Just like the corridor of fire, anxiety can also be a whirlpool because once the symptoms start, anxiety can suck you down making you feel powerless with no way out and the more it makes you feel trapped, the more panicky you feel and the more it can feed on your thoughts trained on it.
Keep calm, relaxed, be patient, practice "I don't care", find ways to reduce stress, "Gradually" re-build confidence and try to ignore frightening thoughts and feelings by focusing on each step to the finishing line........and anxiety Will be defeated enough to allow you to run your daily races. It just takes the right weapons for the individual....and time to recover!:hugs:
I agree with you bill, that anxiety is a whirlpool and it sucks you down making on feel powerless. I'm not sure if I agree with the statement, "I don't care" to reduce stress, what I try is, "I'm getting better every day" Although, that doesn't always work for me. Your post has given me encouragement and something that I will have to explore further.
---------- Post added at 12:31 ---------- Previous post was at 12:19 ----------
NinjaXero,
I did read your earlier post but I wasn't sure what to say. I just feel I'm a sufferer like everyone else on here but I guess that on the whole I've learnt how to deal with anxiety. In a way it's like my loyal companion...always there but I just have to tell it to shut up sometimes!
I think books should be left to professionals. I've never studied the subject, just always lived with it and I know I don't know everything but my hope is that if I can share something that helps someone else to find their smiles again then I'm happy too!
I know what you mean about professionals though. In my experience, I've often found they know what to say but because they've never experienced anxiety they can't empathise or understand as a fellow sufferer would. It's the same for most conditions...you have to experience them to truly understand how it makes others feel and I always think that to treat an anxiety sufferer, they must have faith in what you're saying because any doubt creates anxiety so the therapy will never work.
Judy,
It was My pleasure to do what I could to help you and although I'm quiet at times, it doesn't normally mean I've gone anywhere so you or anyone else for that matter only need shout and I'll reply with my thoughts.:hugs:
Ronny,
I'm just glad to be of help. You and anyone else are always most welcome to print off any of my posts. You may find some of the old threads I've posted might help you too. Like I say though, I'm not a professional so I may not always be right but there might be something in there you can relate with!
I've never paid for any help but I must admit we are lucky here to have the NHS which enabled me to visit counsellors, psychologists etc for the help I needed. I did find though that the only person who I felt Really helped me was a psychologist I visited when I went through my worst phase. He explained to me the reasons why my anxiety became so bad but also pointed out the options I had to ease my stresses. However, things did become much worse after that before they gradually got better and if I'm honest I'd have to say things only did get better because I decided if I didn't help myself I was just going to sink. Maybe the benefit of that though is when you pull yourself out of a deep hole you're then able to share your experiences with others in the hope you can help them too.
NotResponding,
I've always found counsellors frustrating too despite people often saying to me I should become one!..No way! I could never remain objective and I hurt to easily because I feel others pain too much. The thing I've found about counsellors is that they never give you answers because I think their job is to help you find the answers yourself by getting you to open up and make you think for yourself. I think I can understand the approach and the reasons why though. One thing to remember about counselling therapy is that it can take a Long time before you notice any changes in yourself. It's often so gradual that others around you will notice the improvements before yourself and then suddenly you'll look back and think "Oh yeah...I have changed haven't I" and it'll come as a surprise.
I think in our minds we have lots of closed doors we just don't want to open because what's inside hurts too much to think about. Counsellors get you to open these doors one by one which is why sufferers often feel worse when counselling begins. Just like open wounds, they have to be aired to allow healing but they often sting alot at first so you have to give the treatment time before you see the benefits.
One little thing is often we have behaviours that we don't think anything about but there's often an underlying reason behind them that we're unaware of. For instance, you may straighten your curtains every day so that they're perfectly in line. You think nothing of it because it's become a habit. However, a counsellor might pick up on it and raise the question "Why?". You then think about it and say that if they were out of line, it would be a bad refection on yourself and neighbours might think you're a bad mother because if you can't keep control of your curtains, you might not be in control of yourself and your family........and then it comes down to that word "control". Trying to control of you, your life and everything around you but trying to control things beyond your control then creates anxiety so that you then find that straightening curtains is just the tip of the iceberg because you then discover other habits which are similar symptoms of perfectionism and attempts of control to keep you and those around you safe.
We always feel the need to stay safe which means walking a rigid path to stay in control because we fear that if we veer of our path we'll lose control of ourselves. We have a need to feel secure which means everything must be in its place which is part of our perfectionism trait. The problem with keeping such a rigid path is that it creates tension and stress because of our fear of moving off it or by making mistakes so we try to avoid things that we feel threaten our safety such as avoiding going out and being exact.
Perfectionism creates alot of tension so that when we feel something isn't exactly right, we start to worry about it due to our lack of confidence and this then leads to anxiety which then surfaces in the form of OCD. Life though simply can't be controlled so that even when we try to be exact or avoid going out, anxiety remains with us indoors. We invite fear to reside with us and then we feel trapped causing more stress and anxiety.
To learn to live with anxiety, we have to allow ourselves to release our grip on trying to control everything. Allow yourself to not be exact when it doesn't really matter. Allow yourself to walk off your safe path by allowing yourself to experience the things that frighten you and not try to avoid them. Be more carefree and learn to accept life for what it is. Bad things happen but so do good things. It's just life. We can do our best to keep safe but there's no need to be perfect in everything we do.
When people say to learn to relax, I feel it also means learning a relaxed approach to life in everything we do and everything we encounter hence acceptance and not trying to control everything.
Anyway, just a few more thoughts.:hugs:
I forgot to say Thank You Veronica! x
Bill, I agree with the rest of the folks here. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experiences. I have saved and printed many of your posts. I think you should start a blog on the internet so you can reach fellow sufferers. I am in the United States and just stumbled on this forum by accident. I was googling the side effects of Zoloft and some old post from this site appeared. I think many people miss this information as the site is Panic No More and an anxiety sufferer may by pass the wealth of information that you provide.
Thank you for your posts.
Hello Bill,
I just wanted to say that reading you posts have been very helpful to me.
My mum passed away at the weekend and my anxiety went through the roof!
In times like this, it is hard to focus on coping skills and remember the facts.
I found myself struggling to walk and get through the day from 'Fear' of everything.
But, just reading your posts have already helped me to focus again so that I was able to cope with the many duties of losing a loved one.
So, I thank you for that and I am very happy that you are around.
By the way, flipp is a lovely lady who has suffered much heartbreak and recent loss.
I am so pleased she found your thread too. x
Thank you Carnation,
I find it very difficult to stay away because there are so many lovely people on here like yourself who are suffering so I feel I have to try and offer something in the hope it'll help someone so I'm very pleased I've been able to do some good for you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother just as I was when I heard about "flipps" losses. I was very close to both my parents and I found it very traumatic supporting them when they became ill. There are upsetting memories that will always haunt me. I can imagine how you must be feeling.:hugs:
Snowghost,
Just to elaborate a bit on "I don't care". What I meant was when a worrying thought surfaces, we tense up because it makes us feel afraid but if we can practise saying to our minds, I don't care, think what you like, we don't tense up so anxiety symptoms don't surface. It's much easier said than done though.
Something I've noticed since I've been back is the number of Americans here compared to before. I don't know if it just appears that way but regardless I do think it's terrific to see and it fills me with admiration for NMP (Nicola) for helping so many all across the world so if anyone is to thank, it should be her and not me. :hugs:
snowghost57
17-03-17, 18:06
Thank you Carnation,
I find it very difficult to stay away because there are so many lovely people on here like yourself who are suffering so I feel I have to try and offer something in the hope it'll help someone so I'm very pleased I've been able to do some good for you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother just as I was when I heard about "flipps" losses. I was very close to both my parents and I found it very traumatic supporting them when they became ill. There are upsetting memories that will always haunt me. I can imagine how you must be feeling.:hugs:
Snowghost,
Just to elaborate a bit on "I don't care". What I meant was when a worrying thought surfaces, we tense up because it makes us feel afraid but if we can practise saying to our minds, I don't care, think what you like, we don't tense up so anxiety symptoms don't surface. It's much easier said than done though.
Something I've noticed since I've been back is the number of Americans here compared to before. I don't know if it just appears that way but regardless I do think it's terrific to see and it fills me with admiration for NMP (Nicola) for helping so many all across the world so if anyone is to thank, it should be her and not me. :hugs:
I guess I really didn't mean "I don't care" I prefer something like I will not let my anxiety win or I refuse to give in.
I agree there are Americans here, we are on a different time schedule and I saw about 3 of us on here last night. This is a wonderful site and I hope that you folks at NMP realize how much support you have been to us that live "across the pond":yahoo::hugs:
Bill, I am also finding the loss of mum very traumatic. :(
Having to deal with all the arrangements as well.
I only lost my father 3 years ago and it is a huge adjustment in my life.
I woke the first few mornings forgetting that she had gone and then reality kicks in.
It's hit me hard, because I spent so much time with my mum and dedication to her needs. I suppose in time, it will get easier, but I would never want to forget her. x
snowghost57
17-03-17, 18:46
---------- Post added at 14:46 ---------- Previous post was at 14:36 ----------
Bill, I am also finding the loss of mum very traumatic. :(
Having to deal with all the arrangements as well.
I only lost my father 3 years ago and it is a huge adjustment in my life.
I woke the first few mornings forgetting that she had gone and then reality kicks in.
It's hit me hard, because I spent so much time with my mum and dedication to her needs. I suppose in time, it will get easier, but I would never want to forget her. x
Carnation, I am new here and just came across your post when your mother was in the hospital. I am very sorry for your loss. I too lost my mother. I saw her on my 26th birthday and she passed 3 days later. I was devastated. She was only 46. We had no idea she was even ill. Time will ease your pain. You will never forget her. It has been 31 years she passed and I think of her all the time. Comfort yourself in knowing that she loved you, and you will carry that love in your heart for the rest of your life.
Here is a poem about a mother, I hope you like it, author unknown.
Your Mother is always with you. She's is the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers that you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well, she's the breath on a cold winters day. She is the sound of rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of the rainbow, she is Christmas morning. Your mother is the laughter inside you. She's the place that you came from and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing can separate you. Not time, not space, not even death.
I hope this gives you comfort.
What a beautiful poem Snowghost. :)
Words and music are a great comfort in times like these. x
These are poems I wrote for my parents. For years I used to write poetry and file the poems away, rarely sharing them with anyone including my mother because I was worried what she would think of them. Some are probably still on this site. When my mother became ill I decided I had to take a chance and show them to her and I'm glad I did because she praised me with words I'd never heard her say to me before.
Like you Carnation, I spoke on the phone or popped in to check on my mother every day for nearly 6 years after losing my father. In a strange way after losing my father, I felt I became even closer to my mother. When I was young, I remember trying to cuddle her but she used to push me away. It wasn't because she didn't love me though because before I lost her I asked her why I couldn't remember her giving me any cuddles and she told me it was because she was afraid of mothering me and that she had never been shown affection herself when she was young. She was trying to be kind to me. After I lost my father though I attempted to show comfort and affection to her and she accepted it. I must admit though the number of hugs I've received through my life though I can count on my fingers, no matter how much I've always craved affection, and I know I'm not ugly or overweight. lol That's life though. Despite this, I know how much my parents loved me and they would do anything to help me and I still miss them very much daily.
Anyway, these were how I'd describe my parents and I hope they help to give you a smile.
MOTHER AND FATHER
MOTHER
She brought me up as no other could,
Safe from the people and places; Those so cruel,
She showed me wrong and the pleasures of doing good,
Whilst at the same time, hunger was unknown,
Since I was never not full,
I never allowed her to leave me; With my cries and tears,
The cradle, the pram; Wherever I might be,
She was always there to allay my fears,
With words of reassurance to comfort me,
Though sometimes I did wrong;
I was never banned; Never shunned;
Never told to move out,
Always ever shown forgiveness, compassion, and understanding,
Never allowing any shadow of doubt,
For anger, resentment;
Only brought back under her dove like wing,
Affection, tenderness, kindness, generosity,
But a few of her many qualities,
A rosebud blooming with love,
She will always be; Forever and all eternity,
A warm everlasting flower, my truly loved Mother.
FATHER
This man has wisdom beyond his years,
This man reassures and allays all fears,
This man has feelings for all around,
This man is compassionate beyond all bounds,
This is a man that people respect,
This is a man, the poor he will protect,
This is a man, the calm within a storm,
This is a man the world needed to be born,
He does his best; no task too great,
He shows he cares and knows no hate,
He gives only love and is loved by all,
He is an open book; a strong tall wall,
Though he should think with his mind,
On occasions, he does not,
For through his willingness to be kind,
He speaks with his heart,
For which he is loved, more than he will know,
By all the family every day they grow,
Who is this man to whom I refer,
He is none other, than my highly revered Father.
MyNameIsTerry
18-03-17, 04:03
Bill,
Anxiety Zone shutdown recently without warning so quite a few have headed here. It's good because very few responses come in the night on UK time and night owls or those outside the UK didn't have as much support.
While I've got you, Petra thought a lot of you and was pleased to see you back last year. She's left now though.
Hello Terry,
Thank you for the info. I didn't know.
Yes, Petra was lovely towards me. She's a good example of not knowing and just hoping someone once known is doing ok. Maybe one day like me something will bring her back. I find it's always sad to lose touch with people you care about but I have to accept blame myself for disappearing because looking back I feel I was in the wrong. I feel in a different and perhaps better place these days though.
Thanks Terry.
Bill, your poems are beautiful and spoken from the heart. x
I've written one for mum and did the same for dad at his funeral.
Too shy to share though.
My mum was the same with me. :(
She could not show love and I spent shed loads on therapy for which I could not really afford and mum helped pay for to be told that she did not know how because she was shown no love by her own mother.
Like you Bill, she became more loving towards the end of her life.
My father was very cold towards me emotionally and we never cuddled or anything like that.
I used to think he hated me. He never even held my hand on my Weddind Day.
Strangely enough, I myself am a very cuddly person, so I don't know where this has come from?
Terry has become a great friend to me on here and helped me no end.
It's about 3 years now since I first joined and I am so glad I found it.
Snowghost, I hope you get the support you are looking for. x
Bill,
Excellent posts & some good tips. I like the idea of fear being the illusion of a fire that cannot burn or just a ghost that says Boo!
I feel soothed after reading your advice. Keep up the good work & perhaps consider writing a blog!:)
I don't know what a professional would say but I feel if I can bring some happiness and help others to find some enjoyment in their lives then it feels my life will have been worth something so it always means a lot to me when I read such kind comments about my posts.
I've never thought about it let alone attempted to write a blog so I would be the one in need of help to know how and where to start one.
One thought about anxiety. It can be like living in fear every second of every day but it's control over us is knowing it can frighten us via mere thought but in reality it has no substance so it can frighten us into thinking we can be burnt but in reality can't actually burn us. The thoughts it creates make us fear it will. We can either let those thoughts control our lives or we can learn how to accept those thoughts as just thoughts so we can find enjoyment in living without living in constant fear. Anxiety is like a bad habit so to break it we have to feel strong enough, get the right support and then finally have the willpower, determination and courage to say to anxiety - you will not take enjoyment in living away from me because I want to do the things that I want to do regardless of the worries and doubts you create in an attempt to stop me but you will not succeed because I am stronger than you because in reality you have no power.
Sounds easy doesn't it but I know from experience just how frightening it can be to stand up to a bully who tries to controls us except with anxiety it can say and do what it likes but you'll find it cannot hurt you.
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