Anxiety - New Member - Blog 2 PLEASE READ

[Lauren Chambers]

ANXIETY
I have told you a bit about my anxiety and how it affects my life, but there is still so much more to it. What I write in this blog is not out of spite or to be rude. Its what I have learnt from the 3 years of suffering from anxiety….You cant rely on everyone.
ANXIETY - FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
Mum:
If it wasn’t for my mum, being there for me every step of the way, encouraging me that I could get over this, control this and to not give up then I think I would be lost! She is my back bone and has been there 100% she has dropped everything for me. Helping me get to work and get around to be able to try and do everyday things.
She has been through what I have been through so she understands. Thanks mum J
Boyfriend:
My ex boyfriend was a *&^% and as much as I get told I shouldn’t blame someone for my anxiety, I do blame him. I wont get started on my relationship with him because I will be typing away for a long time, plus I want to try and keep my blog positive.
My current boyfriend who got into a relationship with me knowing I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks and having NO UNDERSTANDING about anxiety at all has had my back 150% and my love grows for him everyday when he takes my hand and tells me we are going out and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE, he reassures me that if I want to go home then we can, he is not going to try and stop me and he is not going to moan about it, if I want to run into a toilet I can, if I want to get off the bus at a random stop then I can, if I want to scream, cry and go crazy I CAN. When I first ever meet him I had anxiety, I didn’t tell him I suffered from this, I was able to go out just not to far. We would go cinema etc. I did tell him after a few months as he wouldn’t see me out as much.
When me and my boyfriend got into a relationship, the things I wanted to do with him, like go to cinema and places to eat I couldn’t as I was so SCARED that I would have a panic attack because I might need the toilet and I would embarrass myself in front of him , this made things worst for me, I wanted to do so much with him and go to different places that I made my self so worked up and nervous that I couldn’t, I would just break down. My mum would have to drop me to his house and I would have to sit in the car for 20 minutes why she re-assured me that I wasn’t going to have a panic attack at his house and that he has a toilet in his house, I also had to take vallum!
It took me a lot of re assurances that he didn’t mind about not going out and that he didn’t think I would be weird about panicking that I might need the loo if I leave the safety of my house, it took time too believe but he proved it to me, his actions spoke louder then words. The past couple of months we have been out and about and things are getting better, his positive attitude helps me a lot.
Friends:
When I first started suffering from anxiety me and my friend actually used to laugh about it, I had told her that I had to get off the train one morning as I came over all faint and had a nervous feeling in my tummy, I thought I was going to poop myself.
Me suffer from anxiety….Me not being able to leave the house and worry about getting from A to B…that is not right, I was always the girls living for the weekend, making the plans for the weekend and now I am the girl who gets left out. I feel forgotten about. Do I blame my anxiety or my friends for that?
The only way I could go out on the weekend was to drink a bottle of vodka till I felt confident enough to leave, but I could only get into a cab with one of my mates as I needed re assurances and calmness and being with a group of girls going on a night out wasn’t going to happen, as soon as I got to the bar I would forget how I felt…literally forget the night as I drank so much.
My friends thought this was the easy way for me to get out on the weekend, so this was encouraged. When I started going to CBT, my therapist told me I wasn’t allowed to drink before I went out, I had to start dropping my safety behaviours. Sometimes I did this and sometimes I didn’t.
I learnt that alcohol DOESN’T HELP and its also DANGEROUS, it might take the anxiety away for those few hours, make you feel good because you have the confidence to make it to a club and home again with out any panic. But the next day, I was bed bound and my anxiety was so high.
I don’t drink now…ok I lie, I have the odd glass of wine, I don’t drink before I go out though (and I feel good about that, like I have achieved something) I don’t really go out as much as I used to, one because my friends don’t invite me out any more and two because now I am with my boyfriend and so we do things together, I like to feel fresh and ready to go out the next day and do something pro-active, achieve something. I know I can do this with either my boyfriend or mum.
I don’t expect my friends to drop everything for me and to be there 24/7 but when I am stuck in doors, with nothing to do, it can slowly start to drive you crazy and it makes it hard when friends cant drop by your house just for 5 minutes to say hi. That hurts. Yes I will admit I do get angry when I see pictures or hear of nights out at a bar or club or out in the afternoon for something to eat or in the morning going shopping etc… because I wish I could do that as well and hopefully soon I will be able too, but sometimes I think it would be nice to have the invite or to actually have one of my friends make a day out where its easier for me to go. Is that so much for me to ask for? Now, I am not bothered, I do my own thing and I am pleased to say that I can make it out by myself. Something I have not done in a long time. I have learnt to enjoy my own company.
For people who know me and for people who have meet me there first impressions is a loud, friendly, bubbly, chatty girl and it SHOCKS people when they find out that I have anxiety and cant get around easily, I always have the same thing said to me “Wow you wouldn’t think you suffer from that because you come of so confident” Never judge a book by its cover.
I think for people to actually believe or think there is something wrong with you that you have to either be on your death bed or they have to actually see it on the outside, people are never going to understand what you go through unless they been there themselves. They could think something like anxiety is silly, to be worried that if you leave the house you might need a toilet. But like I always say THIS IS THE SCARIEST THING EVER FOR ME, THIS RUNS MY LIFE.

[rblt94]

...I am literally speechless to how much I relate to you. I have never met someone with a more similar thought process. I have suffered from anxiety since I was 5 years old and I wish I knew what tick in my mind caused such an illness but I still carry it within me 11 years later and it has shaped me into a person I hate. I always hold a blame against my parents as they could of done so much more to help me over come such scary feelings besides tough love making me feel stupid and I was acting reckless. Just two years ago I am the one that looked up a local therapist and set up the appt. My mom probably just dipped her toe into my reality when they told me to be put on medicine, but my relationship with her would drag on so I will just leave it at she is selfish when it comes to understanding my anxiety. No one has ever understood me and my friends think it is funny also. You are definately right, no one can understand your anxiety and the scariest feelings you have experienced unless they have themselves. As of now, in my teenage years when I am supposed to be having a social life and experimenting with it, I have no real friend. Sure, I have friends at school, but I never make the effort to spend time with them outside of school because I don't think I am capable of keeping a friendship right now when I have so much to work on myself. I honestly don't think I am emotionally stable to keep a real friendship..and it sucks to be lonely but I am trying to keep patient.
Now your boyfriend is like a dream come true..I just want a friend to understand me, let alone a boyfriend.
Last year I had my first boyfriend. After a certain event, I began to puke everytime I was around him..including school. Every morning before I left, I would be scared to eat and my thoughts would make me puke bile..I was puking three to five times a day but would insist on staying at school and just puking between classes to keep a relationship. He knew about my anxiety, but overall he did not care..like you said that is a whole other different story that I am not diving into. That kept up for 4 months. And now it has affected me for the worst where even if I think a boy is cute, I will start to feel like I am going to puke..I am not ready to date and won't be for a long time..so I have no close friends nor any guy friend..but I am trying to work on myself first. But I definately relate to you..there was so many things I wanted to do and still want to that I can't because of that constant thought of "oh where is the bathroom if I have to puke..what am I going to do"...but you are not alone and I'm glad I read your blog..keep posting!

[Lauren Chambers]

Hey, thanks so much for your reply.
I know it might be hard to believe as I still don’t believe it myself, but you are not alone, there are a lot of people who suffer from anxiety with all different types of thoughts. Since coming on this website and reading people’s blogs this has opened my eyes a little bit more. But for now concentrate on number 1; you are the most important person.

It makes me sad to hear that your mum has been no help, as me and my mum are so close, I can’t imagine parents to be so cruel.
What sort of therapist do you see? I go to CBT which helps you to change how you think ("Cognitive") and what you do ("Behaviour)". These changes can help you to feel better. With some other talking treatments, it focuses on the "here and now" problems and difficulties. Instead of focussing on the causes of your distress or symptoms in the past, it looks for ways to improve your state of mind now. Well done for looking for a local therapist and making an appointment, I hope it is helping. Your mum obviously has no idea what you go through and why would she as she has never been through it herself, but that gives her no excuse to be how she is, but I know what you mean, just a little support would be nice. Your friends think this is funny….obviously they are not friends and I wouldn’t even wish what we go through on them! That makes me so angry.
One thing that drives me crazy is being lonely, stuck in doors everyday doing nothing, that’s why I mentioned in my blog that it would be nice for my friends to pop over even once a week just for 5 minutes, I gave up on that wish a long time ago. Obviously I get out more due to relying on my boyfriend and my mum.
I am so grateful to have a boyfriend who admitted that he doesn’t understand but who is willing to stand by me and try and learn about anxiety. I hope that someday you will meet someone who is like this, that is true love!
I don’t want to sound like a doctor or therapist because obviously I am not but because I no what you go through and we go through the same things but I would love to help, when ever you need to talk just drop me a private message.
How old are you? 16? Have I calculated right?

This is my first blog I done, not sure if you have read it: http://nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=73961 (http://nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=73961)

For now just keep learning as much about anxiety as possible, it helped me, I hope it helps you.
Speak to you soon hopefully.

Lauren x

[charlb]

Reading both of your messages is like reading my thoughts, When I was 12 at school i witnessed a poor lad mess himself in class after being refused to use the toilets, 15 years down the line and this has taken over most of my life, it has been my ultimate fear! until last year, after taking some anti-depressents I had a bad reaction to them & i'v since developed health anxiety so instead of panicking that im going to mess myself if I dont get to a toilet on time I know panick that every racing heart beat is a heart attack, every headache a tumour and every lump is cancer, i now spend the most time worrying that im going to die. Now Im not sure how but during these 15 years I met a wonderful man & have 2 beautiful & amazing kids, so yes this illness is really really hard sometimes but life will not leave you behind, you do learn to get on with things. These last couple of months have been better, the more you learn about this illness the easier it becomes, I dont do medication, I dont drink, I dont smoke, I try to excercise more, eat well and combined with positive thinking im getting there!!
I hope knowing that people do still lead really really good lives despite being terrified at times will help reassure you, if only a little.

Sorry if this message is a bit scatty and typed very quickly.
Feel free to msg me.

Charlotte xxxx

[Lauren Chambers]

Hi Charlotte, thanks for your post.
Its wierd how some people can react to medication, I am on anti depressants and the first 2 weeks I had a few side effects (feeling sick, anxiety being a bit more high and not eating as much) I managed to get time of work as I was getting into a bit of a state there, my doctor signed me off. Since the side effects passed I feel the anti depressants have helped ease the anxiety, but I am still worried at the fact that its only masks the truth.

I dread to think what you are going through with health anxiety! Fear of needing the toilet is enough for me! I am happy to hear you have a wonderful husband and 2 lovely children, that really does she life does go on! My anxiety scares me so much that I have thought so far into the future I have started telling myself I wouldnt want to get married as I wouldnt be able to walk up the isle! Silly it may sound!

I would like to hear more about your anxiety and how you deal, so whenever you have the chance please drop me a private message!

Speak soon

Lauren xxx

[Pinkangels]

Hi Lauren

I can actually relate to your toilet fears. I am probably a bit obsessed with it, as I always need to pee when im out! Only really thought about it when i read your post lol.
I need to know exactly where the toilets are at any given place, as I know i will need to use it. That will be the first thing in my mind, scanning the area for a toilet sign! If there is somewhere I need to be that has no toilets, that really worries me.
I will use the toilet before leaving to go to my destination, and will still need to go again when I arrive, whether that be a 5 minute journey or 50 minute journey!
Long journeys are a bit of a worry, if im not the driver or have other people with me, as I wouldnt dare pull over, or ask the driver to find a toilet on route.
Makes me feel like a little kid who cant hold it in! :blush:

[etips]

We all have some problems. That is what makes up human. To understand others problems that's also part of the human element

[Lauren Chambers]

Hi Pinkangels
Do you actually go to the toilet once you get to your destination or before you leave the house?
I used to actually sit on the toilet for ages before I would leave home, but I sometimes would never go! I also used to not eat before I went out, but that made things worst as I would feel so weak :(
I can understand about other people being around as I start to panic if I get in the car with someone (who isnt my mum) as I feel if I need to go to toilet and start panicking about it I will show myself up.
Lauren x

[claire930]

Hi, just reading through all of your posts, finally someone else thats 'on bog watch' as my boyfriend calls it,

Everywhere i go, i need to know they will be a toilet i can get too, otherwise i refuse to go, i have also tried not eating before i go out but it does make you feel weak and light headed then i start paniking that im going to faint or something,

I have suffered with anxiety for 3 years now, started soon after the birth of my daughter, it took me a while before going to the doctors and admitting theres something wrong with me, i was prescribed citalopram, starting on 10mg then 20mg then 40mg, i finally got better and was able to do everyday things, life was going well, i had another baby, everything was fine, i decided to come off the drug slowly, eventually i did, and as the weeks went on i could feel the panic attacks slowly creeping back, i stopped going out alone, i couldn't walk to the park down the road with my children, i stopped going to the shop 2 minuites around the corner, before i know it im back to square one!!, then it got worse i start having panic attacks in my own house i am now at the point where i am scared to stay at home and look after my kids, fearing when the next panic attack will come, scared my children will see me in such a state.

My boyfriend has had to take a week off work whilst i start my pills again, I feel so useless that i can't even look after my children on my own, i am really gutted that i will miss my daughters first nursery meeting this week, i know i will never get there, Thoughts are running through my head what if when i get there i need the toilet, they won't be any for adults to use will they?

I hate feeling like this, i have the bestest boyfriend and the most amazing children, i just want to get back to normal again, if it wasn't for these i probly wouldn't get out of bed in the morning! already i am dreading when my partner has to go back to work next week and its only day one of his holiday!!

Another biggie playing on my mind is our holiday is in 7 weeks time, a 7 hour drive to newquay, i can't not go, just hope the pills kick in by then, this is overtaking my life!!

[Lauren Chambers]

Hey Claire

I am sorry to hear that! Have you ever thought about going to CBT? Also I did have a giggle at the fact that your boyfriend calls it "bog watch"

I do not have any children and I am scared that when I do I will not be able to take them out due to my anxiety. This is another reason why I desperatly want to beat the anxiety or keep it under control.

Do you have any safety behaviours?

Also have you thought that there will be staff toilets at your daughters nursary? That should make you feel a tiny bit better knowing they are there.
(even though I struggle to sit through meetings at work as I feel that I might need to go to toilet and I will embarrassing myself having to excuse myself or asking to go!)

Oh god please dont get me started about going away, my boyfriend has mentioned about us going away and I am soooo scared! We are actually going to Reading for a weekend away at the end of the month, its only a train journey away from London and is totally different to actually going abroad but I am scared to get on the train and also scared to get on a plain!

I have a few safety behaviours of knowing where every toilet is on the journey ahead, have you thought about that? Also I take vallum when I get very destressed which makes me feel so much better, I know for me and you its a slightly different situation because you have children and cant exactly be knocked out asleep for the whole journey or just acting a bit slow and dopey (like I do when I take it!) but maybe talk to your doctor before you go?

Speak to you soon

Lauren xxx