SharonDerby
05-05-10, 10:42
Hi All
i'm not new to no more panic but i am new to health anxiety, i joined years back as i have a fear of being sick, no it's not a fear it's a phobia so this place has helped me no end in the past and i have always stayed around even when feeling better/well/normal.
Anyway i was hoping to make this short but i can't so if i may i would like to explain why i am now here on the health anxiety forum.
For 25 years i had an overactive thyroid, had it partialy removed 23 years ago but it never solved the problem so i took anti thyroid meds for 23 years and got along with it, it kept me slim and although it gave me awful eye problems they protrude and destroyed my looks i coped and i'm now 47 so they don't bother me as i have a wonderful partner so i'm not looking to be beuatiful for anyone other than him :) and he tells me i'm beautiful all the time so end of that.
Anyway fast forward to 2009 and i went for a routine apt with the thyroid doc who decided enough was enough and recomended i had a total thyroidectomy, had a small lump on the thyroid gland and the carbimazole was getting harder to control it as in i was underactive then over active etc etc so it was getting rough, i agreed to the operation as i had gone underactive and that made me feel really bad, gained weight freezing cold hair dropping out couldnt sleep even though i was exhausted, i think the best way i can describe it was i felt like a slug, so i agreed to op and date was set for Feb 2010 (12 weeks ago).
The day arrived and despite my horrific fear of being sick i had it done, the anethatist was wonderfull and almost had to guarentee the anesthetic would't make me sick, anyway i went through with it, oh i was so so proud of myself it was a huge step for me but i had done it and surrvived and was not sick, so alls well......................nope.
Total thyroidectomy means no thyroid fumction so immidiately after op your put on thyroxin (replacement hormone) anyway 100mg was not enough so went underactive then 150 too much so went overactive (body still reacts to the hormone as it would as if thyroid was there still).
Finealy after 6 weeks settled on 125mg and felt ok, but then one day i started to feel strange and had all these horrid thoughts in my head that i was going to harm myself i thought i'd commit suicide even though i did not want to die nor do i want to die, it was awful and scared me as i have never thought like that so didn't understand it, thought it must be the medication not enough again but blood tests revealed i was fine, so what is it?
Wrongly i looked on google and low and behold i am suffering from depression............ not cancer which also popped up. not lukemia nope depression as thats the one think i am terrified of getting.
I am now in a state i am convinced i am suffering from depression and i am going to do something to myself even though i dont want to i am scared i will not realise, or i will get so low that i will do it anyway.
I hope this is making sense.....i hope you haven't got bored of story i'm sorry to go on and on but i am wondering if this is what health anxiety is? is it possible to develop health anxiety about depression? doc hasn't helped as his answer to the problem is to prescribe anti depressants so that confirmed me worst fears, i won't take them but now i am terrified that i truely do have depression and i am in denial and if i don't take thease pills things will just get worse, oh dear i am in such a state :(.
I am sorry for the long post but i am desperate to find others as scared as me, anyone else had this? it seams strange to me that someone can become affraid of being depressed as i know how very real depression is to people and how desperate they can become and i truely feel for them but selfishly i don't want to be someone who has depression so i was wondering is this now becoming my new phobia? as i said i have a phobia of vomiting so i assume everything will make me sick.
Thanks for listening guys it means a lot and any advice would be gratefuly accepted
Sharon xxxxx
i'm not new to no more panic but i am new to health anxiety, i joined years back as i have a fear of being sick, no it's not a fear it's a phobia so this place has helped me no end in the past and i have always stayed around even when feeling better/well/normal.
Anyway i was hoping to make this short but i can't so if i may i would like to explain why i am now here on the health anxiety forum.
For 25 years i had an overactive thyroid, had it partialy removed 23 years ago but it never solved the problem so i took anti thyroid meds for 23 years and got along with it, it kept me slim and although it gave me awful eye problems they protrude and destroyed my looks i coped and i'm now 47 so they don't bother me as i have a wonderful partner so i'm not looking to be beuatiful for anyone other than him :) and he tells me i'm beautiful all the time so end of that.
Anyway fast forward to 2009 and i went for a routine apt with the thyroid doc who decided enough was enough and recomended i had a total thyroidectomy, had a small lump on the thyroid gland and the carbimazole was getting harder to control it as in i was underactive then over active etc etc so it was getting rough, i agreed to the operation as i had gone underactive and that made me feel really bad, gained weight freezing cold hair dropping out couldnt sleep even though i was exhausted, i think the best way i can describe it was i felt like a slug, so i agreed to op and date was set for Feb 2010 (12 weeks ago).
The day arrived and despite my horrific fear of being sick i had it done, the anethatist was wonderfull and almost had to guarentee the anesthetic would't make me sick, anyway i went through with it, oh i was so so proud of myself it was a huge step for me but i had done it and surrvived and was not sick, so alls well......................nope.
Total thyroidectomy means no thyroid fumction so immidiately after op your put on thyroxin (replacement hormone) anyway 100mg was not enough so went underactive then 150 too much so went overactive (body still reacts to the hormone as it would as if thyroid was there still).
Finealy after 6 weeks settled on 125mg and felt ok, but then one day i started to feel strange and had all these horrid thoughts in my head that i was going to harm myself i thought i'd commit suicide even though i did not want to die nor do i want to die, it was awful and scared me as i have never thought like that so didn't understand it, thought it must be the medication not enough again but blood tests revealed i was fine, so what is it?
Wrongly i looked on google and low and behold i am suffering from depression............ not cancer which also popped up. not lukemia nope depression as thats the one think i am terrified of getting.
I am now in a state i am convinced i am suffering from depression and i am going to do something to myself even though i dont want to i am scared i will not realise, or i will get so low that i will do it anyway.
I hope this is making sense.....i hope you haven't got bored of story i'm sorry to go on and on but i am wondering if this is what health anxiety is? is it possible to develop health anxiety about depression? doc hasn't helped as his answer to the problem is to prescribe anti depressants so that confirmed me worst fears, i won't take them but now i am terrified that i truely do have depression and i am in denial and if i don't take thease pills things will just get worse, oh dear i am in such a state :(.
I am sorry for the long post but i am desperate to find others as scared as me, anyone else had this? it seams strange to me that someone can become affraid of being depressed as i know how very real depression is to people and how desperate they can become and i truely feel for them but selfishly i don't want to be someone who has depression so i was wondering is this now becoming my new phobia? as i said i have a phobia of vomiting so i assume everything will make me sick.
Thanks for listening guys it means a lot and any advice would be gratefuly accepted
Sharon xxxxx