MatthewH
06-05-10, 16:04
I thought i was almost over my anxiety. I could finally go out for meals without being ill in front of my fiancee, i could go shopping and enjoy nights out in the pub, i could even beat down the feelings of anxiety and get on with my day. Until today, when collecting money for charity.
I woke up this morning, and my first thoughts were 'Oh god, im going to be in the town today.' Why? I have no idea. I've done it before, and i know i had no problems then. So why this time?? I put the knot of sickness in my stomach down to not eating, and went and had some breakfast. I didnt eat much, due to the fact that last time i felt like this and ate, i ended up in a toilet throwing my breakfast back up. Just 2 weetabix. Anyway, i continue on to the town. The sickness in my stomach is still there, but i just think to myself that it'll go away, like it normally does. I'll be fine. Ive come so far!
Walking into the town, i still feel nausea and ill at ease. I manage to sit down and have a coffee with my colleagues, but this feeling is still there.
'What if you are sick, can you make it to a toilet? Will you be sick on the street, infront of all these people?? What will you look like?'
I made my excues, and strode VERY quickly, trying to look composed and dignified, towards the nearest McDonalds. Once in the toilet, my heart was racing, i was sweating, i felt horrendous. I managed to keep my breakfast, but my stomach was having none of it. I actually thought about just staying in that tiny room, because i didnt want to face people.
'You're going to make a fool of yourself'
'You're work mates are going to find out about you and you're problems'
'You wont make it through today'
'Its only 9:30am, you're here till 3pm'
Shut up shut up shut up i told myself. Get a grip, you wont die, if you're sick you're sick, get over it. You can't sit in this stinking Maccy's toilet all day long. Get on with you're life.
I checked my heart beat quickly. About 90-100 a minute. I'd managed t get myself out of this mild state of panic, but how will i cope throughout the day?
Well, i managed to get through it, but by god it was a hard day for me. I havent had an anxiety attack that bad for a while. Its knocked my confidence, and i have to go back tomorrow. But by explaining to my colleagues i had a bit of sickness, wasnt feeling too good, and that i would not eat, i convinced my mind that i wouldnt be sick, the feelings were hunger pains, and in half an hour im going to treat myself to a nice big tea. I cant say its been an easy day, and looking back on it, it seems like a bad dream. It shattered my confidence, but i think i know where my problems lie now. I've realised that if im in a place, where there is no way out (as in i don't have my own car with me), or i can't get easy access to a toilet, i get these sickness feelings. These hang around with me until i know im ok, like now, in my room, typing these feelings out. Now all i feel in my stomach is hunger.
I dunno, some days are just like this i guess... Anybody give me some advice to get through tomorrow? I want to get my newly built confidence back!
I woke up this morning, and my first thoughts were 'Oh god, im going to be in the town today.' Why? I have no idea. I've done it before, and i know i had no problems then. So why this time?? I put the knot of sickness in my stomach down to not eating, and went and had some breakfast. I didnt eat much, due to the fact that last time i felt like this and ate, i ended up in a toilet throwing my breakfast back up. Just 2 weetabix. Anyway, i continue on to the town. The sickness in my stomach is still there, but i just think to myself that it'll go away, like it normally does. I'll be fine. Ive come so far!
Walking into the town, i still feel nausea and ill at ease. I manage to sit down and have a coffee with my colleagues, but this feeling is still there.
'What if you are sick, can you make it to a toilet? Will you be sick on the street, infront of all these people?? What will you look like?'
I made my excues, and strode VERY quickly, trying to look composed and dignified, towards the nearest McDonalds. Once in the toilet, my heart was racing, i was sweating, i felt horrendous. I managed to keep my breakfast, but my stomach was having none of it. I actually thought about just staying in that tiny room, because i didnt want to face people.
'You're going to make a fool of yourself'
'You're work mates are going to find out about you and you're problems'
'You wont make it through today'
'Its only 9:30am, you're here till 3pm'
Shut up shut up shut up i told myself. Get a grip, you wont die, if you're sick you're sick, get over it. You can't sit in this stinking Maccy's toilet all day long. Get on with you're life.
I checked my heart beat quickly. About 90-100 a minute. I'd managed t get myself out of this mild state of panic, but how will i cope throughout the day?
Well, i managed to get through it, but by god it was a hard day for me. I havent had an anxiety attack that bad for a while. Its knocked my confidence, and i have to go back tomorrow. But by explaining to my colleagues i had a bit of sickness, wasnt feeling too good, and that i would not eat, i convinced my mind that i wouldnt be sick, the feelings were hunger pains, and in half an hour im going to treat myself to a nice big tea. I cant say its been an easy day, and looking back on it, it seems like a bad dream. It shattered my confidence, but i think i know where my problems lie now. I've realised that if im in a place, where there is no way out (as in i don't have my own car with me), or i can't get easy access to a toilet, i get these sickness feelings. These hang around with me until i know im ok, like now, in my room, typing these feelings out. Now all i feel in my stomach is hunger.
I dunno, some days are just like this i guess... Anybody give me some advice to get through tomorrow? I want to get my newly built confidence back!