View Full Version : Feelings all over the place
Hey everyone!:)
I tend to keep all of my things to just one post however I believe I may not be getting replies or reaching to those struggling witht he same thing. Anyways some may know that I suffer from ocd (intrusive thoughts, hand washing, neatness and things being straight and paralell) anxiety and depression. I know that ocd is usally coupled with another disorder like anxiety and ocd but some people with intrusive thoughts don't see it as ocd so I thought this might reach out to them.
Anyway my mum just booked a holiday for us and im a bit panicky, I am a little excited but im also scared! I am seeing the doctor tomorrow, I intentionally didn't ask for the doctor I have seen before because she didn't seem very sympathetic, didn't understand how mental illness is awful. The surgery didn't tell me which doctor I have but I am hoping its a different doctor. I need to go back for my thyroxine perscription but also to speak about my mirtazapine. I am really quite worried and have major anxiety during the day and I am wondering whether to ask for something to help me on holiday.
Thats it for now
x
ElizabethJane
06-05-10, 22:29
Dear Hallam a holiday can be anxiety provoking but it is meant to be enjoyable too. I would mention to your own doctor your anxieties about going away. He/she might prescribe something but it depends if you have other coping strategies in place too. If it was me I would take my diazepan in my handbag for emergencies only plus sleeping pills again for emergencies. I would also take rescue remedy pastilles and my ipod with my relaxation cds on them. I always believe it is better to try a non prescription remedy first. It might be quite hard to stop the ocd it might get worse but at least allow for that and most of all relax and try to have a good time.
Hello EJ,
Yes I have an awful lot of different distraction and things to help me. I have ear plugs, im going to get some books to read, I have my ipod. I also have the rescue remedy spray. So I do usually try and manage well but I fear a holiday may well just tip me over the edge at some points. Thanks for the tips!
xx
I find my ipod is my best form of distraction, i just cannot think of anything while i have music in my ears.
Remember the thought is always worse than the deed itself. I know its difficult but try not to imagine how bad you are going to feel or you're already setting the seed to be unhappy on holiday, you need to start imagining all the good things about a holiday, how relaxed you will feel and how wonderful it will be when you get back and share it with us.
best wishes
di xx
Thanks Di, I have begun to try and look forward to it. I went to the library today and got out enough books. I hope to fill up my ipod too so I have books and my ipod.
I went to the doctors this afternoon, it was with another doctor to the one I'd seen about my depression. I am so glad I booked an appointment without asking for her because I was given another doctor who really helped me and has decided to take me off mirtazapine as its not working and put me onto citalopram. I feel better after coming out of there. Sadly we didn't have time to talk about any medicine for going on holiday but thats ok, I think I can get by.
Thanks everyone x
Hi Laura,
Glad you are having a holiday...totally understand the anxiousness about going but I think once you get there you will actually enjoy it. When do you go?
Citalopram is a brilliant drug, I took it for a number of years and it really helped me, and I really do wish that this past time I took it (before mirtazipine) I had hung on longer before changing to mirtazipine because I really do think I benefited more on that than I am with mirtazipine, so good luck with that and let me know how you go. Are you changing over before the holiday?
Take care.
JO.xx
Hello Jo,
Nice to speak and see you again! Yes I am really quite nervous about it but im trying to just relax about it. I go on the 19th May, the day after my big interview for an Events Graduate Program Position. Which im also nervous about.
Well I did wonder why the female doctor didn't put me onto citalopram when I told her that I had gotten on well with it before but to be honest over the 3 appointments that i'd met with her she just didn't impress me. She didn't seem to want to understand or sympathise, instead just wanting to throw tablets at me.The doctor I saw yesterday really tried to understand and spoke to me about how I felt on the mirtazapine. We came to the agreement that it wasn't the right one for me, he also said that an SSRI would be best for me and my depression/anxiety so we decided citalopram.
No sadly I am not going to be on the citalopram before the holiday, he told me to follow strictly to the weaning off system. I have four 30mg mirt left so he told me to take them and then on wednesday for the week to take one 15mg every other day, then the week after (while im on holiday) to only take two tablets and then the week after just one tablet. He then told me to have a few days or a week off and then start the citalopram. Its a little frustrating because I just want to start to feel better!
Thank you for replying, its always nice to hear from you
Laura xxx
Hello well I went to see my counsellor today and it took a lot out of me! I cried so much and felt so much fear! I spoke in depth about my intrusive thoughts - she asked questions which I understand why she needed to but they really put the frightners in me. My short term memory is getting really bad and I really can't even remember some of the questions she asked. She said that soon is the time she needs to refer me and thnks that maybe a psychologist maybe the right roue, we spoke about my reservations but thought it would help.
Anyway I really hope to start recovering soon because it really is leaving me in the pits in terms of my mood.
Laura xx
Hey,
Well I have a big interview tomorrow and on Wednesday I am going on holiday. I appreciate everything everyone has said but I really am dreading going on holiday! I was looking forward to it and all and then today I have been feeling like death. My intrusive thoughts are so awful and they make me feel like im in pain, if that makes any sense at all? The worst part of it is that I really believe it most of the time and it makes me feel so low.
I really hate my life right now, that sounds so cliché but I really do. I am finding it so hard to get by each day, everything just seems bleak. Even without the intrusive thoughts or when im not thinking about them I still feel real down and low. Suicidal thoughts never used to really enter my head but more and more I just wish that it was all over and that I just would go to sleep at night and not wake up the next morning. I just feel like nothingness.............. things that used to make me happy and things I used to enjoy don't even matter anymore. I know its depression but I really just can't shake it off.
Anyway there's my update....sorry its a bummer
Laura x
Hi Laura,
Sorry to read you are struggling so much today. Dont lose Hope, you know your feelings can go all over the place, try not to let them overwhelm you.
Good luck with the interview tomorrow. Try and stay positive no matter how you feel.
I hope you manage to find some enjoyment on holiday. The anticipation is often worst than the event, keep trying, keep fighting. xx
Thank you Andrew,
I know you are right and that I do tend to be led by my strong feelings.
I didn't get the job, I was extremely disppointed but now I understand it just wasn't the right route.
Right update: Well I went on holiday and it was tough, for the first few days it was horrible. I couldn't stop thinking....my head was all over the place! But from the Sunday onwards it got better. And then it was time to come home....I have now finished on my mirtazapine and then on monday or tuesday I am going to start on the citalopram.
I have to say since getting back my mood has been pretty ok but something has happened today that has been on my mind. Firstly I had an odd dream that scared me but I went back to sleep and then about 20 minutes ago my mum started a conversation with my aunty on the phone. Anyway she was talking about my sister and saying she hardly sees her and then said "oh no the other one had turned....just one day and was different." When I said what are you speaking about and she wouldn't tell me! It would be just like her to be speaking about me with me in the room..... and I thought if she was speaking about me then it just shows how damn pig ignorant she is. I have tried to tell her of my stuff but she wont listen and now says that?! The thing with my mum is that she is really just in her own world. When im speaking with someone she will speak over me.... she tells blatant lies in front of people and when I say something in private has a go at me?! I just don't know what to do anymore?!! And I just can't seem to get a job! So I don't know how to move forward.
Laura x
Hiya,
You're welcome.
Unlucky about the job. So have you got a plan to find the right job for you?
Glad the holiday turned around a bit, can you remember any nice things about it?
Have you considered staying off medication?
I can remember I had a lot of hassle with my own parents at your age. Although I'd already realised I couldn't change them or how it was and let go of that. I also stood up for myself, if and when I needed to. It doesn't sound like a nice situation to be in and I do feel for you. Have you any options to move out?
take care
Hi,
I do have some plans about my job situation so we'll see how they pan out.
Yes there were some nice things about my holiday but I would never go back to a family hotel (which it turned out to be) again.
I was off medication for quite a while trying to do it without but in the end I felt that it was beneficial for me to get some help. I have been on citalopram before and it helped enormously and so I am going to see how they work this time!
I try to stick up for myself but she's one of those people who is always right and im always wrong when I know that sometimes I am not so it makes it difficult.
Laura x
Hello,
Today I went to go and spend the day with my sister. She is off to Canada tomorrow on holiday with her hubby and I went round to help her and just spend some time with her. Physically I found it hard because I am having some side effects from the citalopram and when we went for a walk to the shops we stopped off at the park, its on the big green and emma wanted to have a go on the swings. It was nice because it was quiet and we spoke about my ocd. I didn't give her the full details but told her a little and I felt a little better.
I think she is really beginning to turn a corner and understands that I do have some problems which is nice because it is hard having kept it all from her for 5 years.
I felt terrible but then had a little to eat and began feeling a little better but still drained of energy!
I hope these start working soon because I really have times during the day where I feel completely at a loss and like I dont know where to turn and everything feels awful and low!!!
Laura x
Hi Laura,
Well done for getting out and about despite not feeling great. Its good that you are getting on ok with your sister, it feels nice to be cared about.
You know starting medication can play havoc with your feelings. Dont lose hope, keep trying, eat, sleep, keep sharing - write it down if you're forgetting and try not to make it all about how you feel. I know its easier said than done, wishing you some support. tcx
Hello again...
I feel I NEED to write down a little today because im having a bit of a bad day.... I am trying to not be overwhelmed by my feelings but I cant work around them or ignore them. I just have this feeling that I am a bad person or that I want to do something bad but then I think but I don't and then I get confused because why cant I shake the feeling? I have a counselling appointment tomorrow...I think it may be my last one because we are going over her letter of reccommendation she is writing on my behalf for either cbt or psychologist.
I'd like to know what anyone else thinks?
Laura x
nervy-paul
06-06-10, 19:49
Hey Laura,
Obsessive-compulsive thoughts and feelings are very hard to shake and get away from, I know as I have tried. The only advice I can give at the moment is try not to fight against the feelings so hard, as that just seems to reinforce and give them the attention they want. Distract the brain with reading or writing, writing down the feelings doesn't get rid of them, but it does lessen their strength - so I have found anyhow. Hope some of that makes sense/helps. I am a bit flat too at the moment, the dark cloud following me around like a hungry dog. Look after of yourself, and all the best for your appointment tomorrow, hope you get something positive from it. :)
Hi Paul,
Thanks for understanding because sometimes I feel as if Im all alone and no-one understands me. I am trying not to fight against them but its hard because I am so used to fighting and trying to stop them that it has become so ingrained in me. I may try to write down some things and see what happens. I have nothing on tomorrow so I may try then to write some stuff down. Aww Im sorry your having a rough time too....its really hard to function when this happens.
I had my appointment earlier today and it went pretty well....we spoke about my thoughts and whats been happening lately but mostly we went over the referral letter she is giving on to secondary care team.
Take care xxxx
Hello again...
I feel I NEED to write down a little today because im having a bit of a bad day.... I am trying to not be overwhelmed by my feelings but I cant work around them or ignore them. I just have this feeling that I am a bad person or that I want to do something bad but then I think but I don't and then I get confused because why cant I shake the feeling? I have a counselling appointment tomorrow...I think it may be my last one because we are going over her letter of reccommendation she is writing on my behalf for either cbt or psychologist.
I'd like to know what anyone else thinks?
Laura x
I think this is quite normal - you've gotten into the habit of negative thought cycles so your brain will push that where-ever. The fear of what you could be is much more scary than the fear of what you are sometimes. I think CBT is supposed to be pretty effective at training you to get out of these negative thought cycles.
Realising that they are just thoughts is important, most bad people won't worry about who they are and what they can be, this is just typical self punishment that depression and anxiety encourages.
Thank you Daat! I know that I have gotten myself into a cycle of negative thoughts and that is really hard to get out of because I feel that it is completely ingrained in me.
xx
Hello Again,
Just thought I would pop on for a quick update. I am now working as a PR Assistant and quite busy however I have this nagging. My depression has lifted slightly and my awful ocd thoughts have subsided a little so thats better but I am constantly aware of myself and who I am? I don't know if this makes sense at all, what I am trying to say is that I studied for 3 years to be an event manager and now I have a job where it is a large part of my work but I am not happy. I don't feel as though it fulfills me, I feel like I want or need to be doing something else with my life. Its seems to me that if my life carries on this way that I wouldn't be living my life the way I want. I know this is really deep but I am thinking alot about who I am and what makes me tick.
Laura xxxx
Hi Laura,
Pleased to read that things have improved for you.
This job is only a starting place, providing you with work experience and wages. You can change direction as you choose. Maybe you need to be more challenged in the future. But do give yourself some easier time to continue your recovery.
I dont think many people achieve 'living their life the way they want', its something that requires a lot of work and as you age, your wants change. Maybe all that thinking just wants somewhere to go, make some positive intentions / plans.
You take care x
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