don't even recognise myself

[allergyphobia]

i am in quite a bad place right now.

My food phobia is getting quite serious, to the point where I am avoiding a lot of foods, especially meal type scenarios. I am mainly eating bread, porridge, a little cheese and cold meats, i have had a little bit of lettuce, jacket potato, beans.

the last time i ate a "meal" was a week ago, where i ate some chicken and some vegetables. i don't usually eat in the evenings now.

my mum and dad are coming to stay with me tomorrow because they know i am not coping at all well. my cough is quite bad and i am feeling quite stressed generally, thinking i am going to have an allergic reaction to even those "safe foods". i constantly feel like something is blocking my throat.

I don't even recognise this person i am becoming and I'm shocked how quickly i seem to be sinking. i'm hoping my mum can help me but i'm also i'm embarrassed and scared for tomorrow, i'm not sure they will understand and they will tell me not to be "silly" about food which i am dreading.

i feel so scared. i am starting acupuncture on monday, and am still waiting for the local mental health team to call me back about getting some CBT.

hope you have all had a better day today x x

[Mogwog]

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a bad time at the moment. Good that your mum and dad are coming over to help you out, i'm sure they won't tell you your being silly.

I think your doing really well in the fact that you ARE managing to eat, like you said you had some baked potato and some beans - thats great! Well done. Just eat little and often for now, don't try and force yourself to eat a big meal. One step at a time.

I can sympathise with your food phobia as I had it when I was around 12 yrs old and it was horrible.

Hugs

L.xxx:hugs:

[hallam11]

Oh my dear you have gotten yourself into a tizzy haven't you?

I am sorry, I know just how hard it is when there is something you fear and it takes over your life, awful isn't it?! Can I ask what exactly it is you fear?

Maybe if you can break it down you can start to work through it. I agree with Mogwog, it is really good that you are managing to eat anything, keep on because you need food.I hate to say this but you unless you do eat you will get ill, but you are eating so that is good. About your mum and dad, if you sit them down and explain exactly what it is you are dealing with then they will not think you silly!
Take care my friend xxx

[allergyphobia]

thank you, both. it helps me when you say I am doing OK to just eat what i am eating and little and often, maybe I am not such a complete failure. I just feel like i'm falling to bits so quickly, i keep getting thoughts that I just want to go to a retreat and have some one tell me what to do and I could somehow get better, oh if only there was a magic answer hey. xxx

[Mogwog]

Don't ever think your a failure, because your not. Like I said before you have managed to jump across a huge hurdle, as you are eating.

Keep at it, chin up and if you feel down come back on here and we'll try and help as best we can.

Thinking of you. You can get through this.

Hugs

Laura.xxxxx:bighug1:

[Mogwog]

Also when I was dealing with this I ate whatever I fancied whenever I fancied it, my mum helped me with this and never passed judgement on what or the amount I was eating.

Take care

Laura.xxxxxxx

[hallam11]

No please don't think you are a failure because you are not! You are just going through a rough time, and you are doing well! You are eating!

I can understand the thought of wanting to retreat and have someone tell you what you should be doing. Its because you want someone to give you the answers when really all you can do is just get by.You will get through this though and like mogwog says we'll be here for a chat if things are getting a tad too much!
xxx

[Bexmumto3]

Please don't ever think that you are a failure, you most definately are not you are just going through a tough time at the moment but you will eventually come out the other side & things will be better.
Thinking about things I'm guessing that I actually have a food phobia, I was fine initially after my daughter was diagnosed with nut/fish allergy & I would happily eat things but in the last 18months or so I refuse point blank to eat anything that contains nuts or any fish, I used to love both but I'm convinced that I'm going to have a reaction to them even when I never have, hadn't really thought of it before but guess this is what it is.
I really hope that you get the support that you need from having your parents stay, please talk to them & tell them how you feel, they won't think you are silly.
Always PM me if you want to chat, you really helped me the other night & I'm so grateful & I want to be here for you (& others too).
Take care xx

[allergyphobia]

thank you all so much for your kind words!

mogwog, did you just grow out of your fears? i think maybe if i take a little time and just try and carry on eating the safe foods, maybe i will be okay and start being braver, but i am just so scared at the moment and beat myself up about being such a coward..

thanks hallam.. deffo, i just wanna be a kid again and be looked after!!!

thats so interesting bex... i have a big fear of nuts too, and am a bit scared of shellfish even though ive never had a reaction.. it's all just so unlogical but like my brain can't unmuddle itself. I hope that my parents can help me because it just feels like at the moment i can't do it on my own.

thankyou so much, i am glad that i helped you, i don't know about you but that makes me smile and think how good this website is and that i have something i can give back to people here... i am really glad i helped and hope you are feeling okay too... i am just getting hungry so wondering what to eat!

xxx

[Blueeyed87]

I'm currently coming out of my food phobia in the last months which came along with my GAD, I convinced myself I am allergic to all these foods I used to eat without thinking gosh am I allergic to this... Couple of weeks ago I was eating a granny smith apple in hopes to get some actual nutrient as
I mostly eat meat, but could hardly take two bites cuz I convinced myself I was getting a reaction, itchy mouth n tight throat which I'm sure Is a trick of the mind, just this last week I summoned the courage to eat tuna a former fav and I was sucessful in eating it mind over matter plus I had to psych myself up first... As I've had to move back home too mum she makes meals I formerly ate but am just to scared to eat them, so I make up things like I just don't like the taste, I feel sick or it's too spicy for my taste.... But I'm getting there and you will too every step no matter how little is a sucess in trying to beat this, for me it's embarressing as well as frustrating.

But I have every confidence you can overcome it
best of luck :)

[allergyphobia]

hi blueeyed, thanks for replying.. how are you getting over this are you on meds etc, i am completely like you... how do you cope... as i really am not and it's terrifying and like you say also embarrassing, i am avoiding going out for meals etc and my parents come tomorrow and they will see what i have become like, its horrible... i mostly eat carbs at the moment, porridge bread potato... what a varied diet hey haha xx

[Blueeyed87]

I'm currently seeing a psychologist, which has helped me alot, my dr and psychologist are trying to convince me to take lexapro, but I'm afraid I'll be allergic to it but it's meant to help my GAD in general hopefully I will fill me script today, at one stage all I ate was chicken, and jacket potatoes with sourcream cheese and chives( my only green for 3 months :S)when I'm having a bad day this is still my fav safe food. I'm not gonna lie I think therapy has a big role in helping me overcome this, by making me rationlize, I was never allergic before, scientifically what are my chances now, it depends on how your mind works and this particular saying works for me.
Sorry I can't offer more help :) but I think you'll find after you start therapy you will make leaps and bounds in progress
good luck with your parents I'm sure they'll understand, my mum knows now and she just calls me a 'fussy eater' if I'm ever questioned which is a nice way of putting it

hope you feel better soon!

[allergyphobia]

Well I thought i'd update everyone seeing as you all been so kind to me on here and helpful with your replies. Wow am I glad my parents are home, just knowing they are here has completely made a difference to how I feel. I broke down the first day they were here and just explained everything, about the food stuff and everything and just for talking about it it was like a weight off my mind. My mum is slowly but surely getting me to eat different foods again. I am back on to vegetables particularly soups which are easy to eat and I'm eating my porridge everyday. I am still very scared but now that I have people here with me it makes it easier to try and eat, and then I have support for afterwards. I still am constantly worrying but it is definitely better than how I was when i first posted here. I am on the waiting list now for some CBT and really can't wait to get going on that. I also had my first session of acupuncture, which I had to pay for myself (i'm going to ask my GP next time I see him if I can get this through the NHS??), and I must say I found it an amazing experience. He asked so much about me as a person, and then how this related to what was going on in my body. I felt exhausted afterwards and the next day even a little worse, but I feel like it's all the bad stuff flowing out of my body. Really can't wait for the next treatment on Monday. I have a job interview tomorrow as I really want to leave my job and get a fresh start, so everybody keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Thanks for everybodys support so far on my journey.
Amber
xxxx