My treasured 1st panic attack.

[Freak myself out]

T'was around June or July in 1991 and I was laying in bed as normal trying to drift off. I felt my heart beating. Nothing unusual you might say. As it beat my mind realised for the first time that life would ultimately end, that I would in fact die someday and that was it. I had my first, masssive panic attack. I was 18 and a half at the time.

So I freaked out about my mortality. Was it pot that caused this? It certainly contributed but so did lots of things including one beligerent parent.

It was a combination omellete that caused it. Many things aligned themselves around that time and that night I hit breaking point. Probably some kind of nervous breakdown. It went totally undiagnosed. I didn't know what was going on, I was a kid.

I honestly dont know why I survived all that. The intensity of the attacks was that severe that on xmas eve 1991 I summoned my dad to take me to hospital because I thought I was having a stroke! Yeah I'd been smoking dope, hydro. It was slowly replacing bush grown hemp.

So the dope was the catalyst? Correct. Once again, though, I wasn't sure what was going on. I'd stop smoking for sometimes a couple of weeks at a time and still have panic attacks every day. I didn't want to believe that my one time friend, dope, had turned on me. It was my only friend it seemed.

Then on March 19th 1992 after having a smoke and freaking out, I went for a ride on my pushbike to calm down (this seemed to work). When I returned home I found my dad unconscious. Tried to revive him, couldn't, and so he died.

His death saved me. I dont think I would have seen out that year. Would have necked myself for sure and thus started a recovery period.

[gina p]

Mine was when I was about 16 (35 now) . I was reading a magazine and reading a story about a young girl who had died in her sleep and like you it was like ........ wham!!!!! Life ends !! Had ups and downs since then with health anxiety , even more so since I was diagnosed with thyroid disease a few years ago and after the birth of my 2 kids (aged 2 and 7 months). So sad about ur dad though . x

[Freak myself out]

Well it gets worse Gina P. Dad's passing was, it seems, an apprenticeship in grief. I spent alot of my adult years grieving his passing and then my own child died in 2003.

Throw all this on top of a fragile, tender, loving mind and well........you can see why people lose it completely.

I'm a survivor thats all I know.

[gina p]

to go through such tragedy and come out the other end iwould have been and probably still is a challenge . Its not fair that someone should have such pain in their life . I have still got both my parents but my dad took to massive heart attacks 3 weeks apart in late 2006 - he is ok now but for the first time I really realised that one day they will be gone and that's so hard for me as I worship my parents . I do have my 2 kids who I admit I should cherish more but this damn health anxiety takes over at times - I did lose a baby in utero (no heartbeat at mid term scan) . That was hard enough but your grief must have been ten fold .

[Freak myself out]

When it all happened with my daughter there was no rational thought. It wasn't a pretty situation. Police informed me of her passing. But what do you do? Life doesn't stop and it never stopped then. It aint stopping now! I think the pace of life contributes largely to my anxiety. We have to draw strength from the fact that we are still alive and surviving despite our illness.

[gina p]

I suppose as you say - we just have to get on with what s*** life throws at us and deal with it as best we can .

[Catalyst]

Really sounds like you've had a tough ride. Also sounds like you've managed to maintain a healthy attitude to life though.

My Dad once told me that "bad things happen to good people". A somewhat pessimistic view, but I find myself reflecting on those words almost daily with all the sad stories I hear. I really hope you have also had some treasured times in your life to uplift you.

I was looking at your other post where you said you 'could write a book on this'. Have you ever tried?! I only ask, because you have a unique style of writing which I think readers would respond well to. IMHO anyway! Sorry to digress, but I liked your writing enough to feel I had to mention it! :)

:welcome:

[crazyhayz]

deffo agree with catalyst about the book, writing is very unique and sooo interesting to read. your story really gripped me. uve been through alot and yet u seem so strong. Take care

[Freak myself out]

You guys/girls. Your kind words are very appreciated. Maybe I should write a book. It would be a very (bl!@dy) good read. I suppose any info that could help others especially first time sufferers can only be good for them. I have become a leader of sorts through my ordeals. I'm finally giving myself that credit. I've earnt my stripes so to speak.

Ultimately though recovery is what we're all here for. I need recovery. I crave recovery. Its been so hard to go for so long without a voice. This site gives me a voice. The internet gives me a voice.