Freak myself out
08-05-10, 22:11
T'was around June or July in 1991 and I was laying in bed as normal trying to drift off. I felt my heart beating. Nothing unusual you might say. As it beat my mind realised for the first time that life would ultimately end, that I would in fact die someday and that was it. I had my first, masssive panic attack. I was 18 and a half at the time.
So I freaked out about my mortality. Was it pot that caused this? It certainly contributed but so did lots of things including one beligerent parent.
It was a combination omellete that caused it. Many things aligned themselves around that time and that night I hit breaking point. Probably some kind of nervous breakdown. It went totally undiagnosed. I didn't know what was going on, I was a kid.
I honestly dont know why I survived all that. The intensity of the attacks was that severe that on xmas eve 1991 I summoned my dad to take me to hospital because I thought I was having a stroke! Yeah I'd been smoking dope, hydro. It was slowly replacing bush grown hemp.
So the dope was the catalyst? Correct. Once again, though, I wasn't sure what was going on. I'd stop smoking for sometimes a couple of weeks at a time and still have panic attacks every day. I didn't want to believe that my one time friend, dope, had turned on me. It was my only friend it seemed.
Then on March 19th 1992 after having a smoke and freaking out, I went for a ride on my pushbike to calm down (this seemed to work). When I returned home I found my dad unconscious. Tried to revive him, couldn't, and so he died.
His death saved me. I dont think I would have seen out that year. Would have necked myself for sure and thus started a recovery period.
So I freaked out about my mortality. Was it pot that caused this? It certainly contributed but so did lots of things including one beligerent parent.
It was a combination omellete that caused it. Many things aligned themselves around that time and that night I hit breaking point. Probably some kind of nervous breakdown. It went totally undiagnosed. I didn't know what was going on, I was a kid.
I honestly dont know why I survived all that. The intensity of the attacks was that severe that on xmas eve 1991 I summoned my dad to take me to hospital because I thought I was having a stroke! Yeah I'd been smoking dope, hydro. It was slowly replacing bush grown hemp.
So the dope was the catalyst? Correct. Once again, though, I wasn't sure what was going on. I'd stop smoking for sometimes a couple of weeks at a time and still have panic attacks every day. I didn't want to believe that my one time friend, dope, had turned on me. It was my only friend it seemed.
Then on March 19th 1992 after having a smoke and freaking out, I went for a ride on my pushbike to calm down (this seemed to work). When I returned home I found my dad unconscious. Tried to revive him, couldn't, and so he died.
His death saved me. I dont think I would have seen out that year. Would have necked myself for sure and thus started a recovery period.