Why am I so afraid?

[Quiet-Lift]

Hello

I'm feeling so low right now. I'm visiting my Mum in Wales and my stay here isn't going too well. I'd like to travel into town with my Mum, but she's 86 and in a wheelchair and we would need to get a cab into town.

I feel so guilty because I try to tell her about my troubles and end up breaking into tears. She's growing impatient with me and i don't want to create any bad feeling between us.

I can manage to go out for walks on my own but I feel so nervous and always take the same routes.

I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now. I'm having suicidal and self-harming thoughts and I know it would upset her if I mentioned this.

I came here to get some respite from my home environment and i seem to have brought my black mood with me.

I know i'm not feeling well right now and need to try and get more help but there is no one at my Day Centre or Community Mental Health Team with whom i feel comfortable enough to approach. Ultimately, I fear it may only mean new medication or even a stay in hospital if i do find the courage to visit these places. I'd like to try and avoid the second of these options if i can.

I've been taking the anti-depressant, Cymbalta , for some time and my GP has told me he doesn't want to change my medication at present. He's advised me to see how things go and then return if my mood or my fears about going out don't improve.

Sorry for going on. I just wanted to try and get a few things off my chest.

Any sensible advice would be most appreciated.

Thankyou for reading this

[sb001f8994]

Hi quiet-lift,
Sorry to hear you are feeling so low right now, unfortunately I cant offer you any quick fixes or words of wisdom but can only send you tons of love and hugs and hope you come out of this dark place soon. Most of us here have been there and know what you are going through but there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel even though there doesnt seem any now, you have to hang on in there. Im not an expert on meds, I choose not to take any but did do when first diagnosed many years ago and for a while they did the trick. I find that I cope very well without them now but if I felt myself slipping back I would not rule them out. Your doctor is the expert and you have to listen to what he says, sometimes things take a while and us being impatient and wanting things 'right' again quickly seems to make it take longer! I was assigned a psychiatrist many years ago and although he seemed ancient to me (I was 16) and I didnt feel comfortable with him at first it was the best thing I ever did. He listened, advised and helped me, he taught me to change my thought process. I think you need to get passed not feeling comfortable with the people in your day care centre and mental health team and just open up to someone who can offer you the right care and attention you need.
It is difficult with parents isnt it? I dont tell my mum too much now, not because I dont want to upset or worry her but she doesnt really understand and is prone to say 'Pull yourself together, get yourself out, buck up!' If only it was that easy!
Take care and remember we are always here for you xx

[ElizabethJane]

Hi Quiet Lift I'm sorry that you are experiencing difficulties at the moment. It is also hard when we are in the role of looking after our parents. I remember this happening to me with my mum and now my Dad is eighty one and not in the best of health. That is hard when we want somebody to mother or look after us too. Do not write off the mental health services. When we are depressed we tend to look at things negatively so decisions will be clouded and the outlook will seem to be grim. If you see a psychiatrist talk to him/her about your concerns about your medication. I was on cymbalta/duloxetine too. There are many other anti depressants that could be used or an increase in the dose could be the answer. Maybe another drug added in might help? I remember going through a particularily bad patch. I struggled for ages going back and forth to my GP who would not increase my meds. I hadn't seen a psychiatrist for three years because mine had retired. I eventually saw Dr J and he upped all my meds and arranged to see me regularily again. I had left making that step to ask for help far too long. Maybe should ask one of the mental health team that you are in touch with for some extra help. I hope you begin to feel better soon. EJ

[Quiet-Lift]

Hello ElizabethJane

Thankyou for your response and your advice. I do see a psychiatrist but because of recent changes to Mental Health Services in my area, he is relatively new and I've only seen him once. On that occasion I told him I was OK and we arranged another appointment for July.

Perhaps I need to try and get that appointment brought forward and find the courage to ask for more help.

Sorry to hear about your Father. It is upsetting when our parents get old isn't it? I used to be able to confide in my Mum but I can't really do that anymore because of what she has been through over the past few years.

Hello Carol

Thanks for your reply. I'd like to get through this without Medication as you have done, but taking it has become a habit and at least gives me some tiny hope that I am doing something to keep the pain under control.

Perhaps you were fortunate enough to find a Consultant who had the time to give you the personal attention you needed when you were 16. I'm glad you managed to get over the initial awkwardness you experienced at first.

You're right about parental attitudes. I've been told to snap out of it and pull myself together as though i was a jack-in-the-box or a pair of curtains. I wish I could, but somehow I just feel too exhausted and confused to achieve what seems to me a state of being which is too serious to respond to such action.

I know my Mum means well and I feel rotten for not being more cheerful with her. It's as though some demon has landed on my back, sapped my confidence and self-esteem, put the frighteners on me and refuses to let go.

Take Care

[ElizabethJane]

I'm sorry that I don't understand the NHS setup. Maybe you could ask to see him again before July especially if you tell them that you have been having sucidal and self harming thoughts. Parents attitudes as they get older can be frustrating. My Dad can be very childish at times. I don't share the full extent of my depressive illness with him. He would not understand. I'm sorry that your mum feels that you should 'snap out of it' My dear mother (sadly not still alive did know the full extent of my illness) and blamed herself for some of it. She herself had experienced a dear college friend of hers commit suicide. My mum would have been eighty four if she was still alive. It is their generation that does not understand mental illness. In their day for the most part it wasn't talked about and people were drugged up and left for years in large institutions. Today thankfully that does not happen but in our parents eyes there is still some stigma attached to being mentally ill.