Pdubya86
10-05-10, 10:25
Going through a rough patch at the moment, and i cant figure out why. Over the past 5 months or so my thoughts and feelings have become so inwardly, I have began to freak myself out.
It started with these buzzing sensations I was getting in my feet before christmas. These came and went over the next few months and were very frustrating and upsetting. They have all but gone now but this led to me becoming hugely aware of my body, not in terms of the way I look, but just being aware of my very existence.
Now I cant seem to shake this trail of thought. My mind feels like a flapping bird, looking for somewhere to land. I keep getting this horrible feeling that I am trapped in my own skin/mind. If you are anxious about a social situation, then you can at least hide away from it. But you cant hide away from yourself, no matter where you run to, you will always be there. I just feel so exposed and vulnerable. But I have no reason why. I have just moved in with my girlfiend, start a new job next week, things are good in that respect. But I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Yesterday I was lying on my bed and was thinking deeply, thinking that I cant run away from myself, horribly aware of my thoughts. I could literally feel the panic building up. I've only had one or two 'panic attacks' and I think I managed to stop this one before it got out of hand. However, my mind seems to be in a state of high alertfor a large portion of the time. Sometimes I will go a day feeling OK, if i am preoccupied with other things. But then it all comes crashing back again.
I feel mentally tired all the time because of this, my body feels weak. I think I'm also suffering from depersonalisation from all the inward thinking. Often my body will feel like cotton wool, especially my arms.
I'm scared I'm losing my mind or control. I haven't been like this before and I'm only 24. Its as if when your born you go straight into automatic mode and go about your life. For some reason in the last few months, I've switched in to manual, and its freaking me out big time.
Initially I though there was something wrong with my brain, causing these buzzing/twitching sensations in my body and then subsequently this irrational thinking. I had an MRI just over a week ago, more to try and put my mind at ease than anything else. Maybe I'm worried about the results. I'm going to ring the hospital today to see if they have them back yet, which I doubt.
I know this is all irrational thinking. Had someone described this to me this time last year, I would have looked at them and thought "huh?" and probably not given it a second thought. I'm scared to try therapy or medication in case it doesn't work. Its comforting to know that those routes are available to me, but its frightening to think what would happen if I tried them and they didn't help. Then what?? End of the line surely??
I wish my brain had a system restore option like a computer, I would track back a few months and carry on living life oblivious to these stupid thoughts like the vast majority of the rest of the human race.
Had a little cry to my girlfriend yesterday, she is very patient and I'm lucky to have her but Its so hard to describe this rotten feeling.
Im socially active, and I do a pretty good job of covering this up in front my friends and parents etc but I'm worried this is going to break me down even more than it already has....
:weep:
It started with these buzzing sensations I was getting in my feet before christmas. These came and went over the next few months and were very frustrating and upsetting. They have all but gone now but this led to me becoming hugely aware of my body, not in terms of the way I look, but just being aware of my very existence.
Now I cant seem to shake this trail of thought. My mind feels like a flapping bird, looking for somewhere to land. I keep getting this horrible feeling that I am trapped in my own skin/mind. If you are anxious about a social situation, then you can at least hide away from it. But you cant hide away from yourself, no matter where you run to, you will always be there. I just feel so exposed and vulnerable. But I have no reason why. I have just moved in with my girlfiend, start a new job next week, things are good in that respect. But I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
Yesterday I was lying on my bed and was thinking deeply, thinking that I cant run away from myself, horribly aware of my thoughts. I could literally feel the panic building up. I've only had one or two 'panic attacks' and I think I managed to stop this one before it got out of hand. However, my mind seems to be in a state of high alertfor a large portion of the time. Sometimes I will go a day feeling OK, if i am preoccupied with other things. But then it all comes crashing back again.
I feel mentally tired all the time because of this, my body feels weak. I think I'm also suffering from depersonalisation from all the inward thinking. Often my body will feel like cotton wool, especially my arms.
I'm scared I'm losing my mind or control. I haven't been like this before and I'm only 24. Its as if when your born you go straight into automatic mode and go about your life. For some reason in the last few months, I've switched in to manual, and its freaking me out big time.
Initially I though there was something wrong with my brain, causing these buzzing/twitching sensations in my body and then subsequently this irrational thinking. I had an MRI just over a week ago, more to try and put my mind at ease than anything else. Maybe I'm worried about the results. I'm going to ring the hospital today to see if they have them back yet, which I doubt.
I know this is all irrational thinking. Had someone described this to me this time last year, I would have looked at them and thought "huh?" and probably not given it a second thought. I'm scared to try therapy or medication in case it doesn't work. Its comforting to know that those routes are available to me, but its frightening to think what would happen if I tried them and they didn't help. Then what?? End of the line surely??
I wish my brain had a system restore option like a computer, I would track back a few months and carry on living life oblivious to these stupid thoughts like the vast majority of the rest of the human race.
Had a little cry to my girlfriend yesterday, she is very patient and I'm lucky to have her but Its so hard to describe this rotten feeling.
Im socially active, and I do a pretty good job of covering this up in front my friends and parents etc but I'm worried this is going to break me down even more than it already has....
:weep: