wigi-woo
10-05-10, 13:45
Ok so im going to use this as a kinda journal/update thing on how things are going within the crazy space of my head.
Ive been having CBT for about 3-4 weeks now, and have discovered that pretty much every action and way of thinking that has controlled my life since I was 16, has been down to having Generalized Anxiety.
Right now im finding it really hard to get on board with it, because ive found its brought up a lot of actually having to think about what im thinking, and I don’t like what im thinking about half the time anyway so having to thinking about thinking really isn’t my idea of fun at all.
After looking through and working with the workbooks and tasks ive been handed, ive been looking back to how my life has been, and most of it has always focused on not being able to cope, and hating myself and constantly thinking others hate me.. I wonder about what people think about me, why theyre even bothering with me, and mostly that people don’t really want to be around me.. My coping methods these days are to usually suck up to people, to constantly reassure myself by checking with them that things are ok, and that I am still liked , and this crushes my confidence daily because I just don’t feel good enough for anyone, let alone attempting to even like my own company.
When I was 15 I developed and eating disorder, and the only way I could cope with negative feelings about myself or dealing with bad situations, or even if I had a bad day, was to throw up what I ate. I just felt it was the only solution to mentally clear myself of any bad feelings, or crazy rapid thinking …
When I was 16 I went to college, and struggled the whole way through, because I felt that if I didn’t get good grades, I would disappoint my parents, and feel like a failure, so instead of trying to achieve more, I began giving up. I was self harming, and spent most of my time at home throwing up because it was the only feeling of calm and release I could give myself.
At 19 I started a university degree. I moved out into a student home with my boyfriend of 3 years and 2 guys and a girl. Again my studies suffered because rather than tryin to commit myself to the course, I went into myself and thought, whats the point in carrying on if im going to fail anyway… the art I was doing wasn’t relavant to the course, and I was threatened to be thrown off unless I picked up.
At this point all I was doing was throwing up, binge eating and drinking like a fish every night and at weekends.
I got onto the next year, and moved into another student house again with the boyfriend and 2 other guys. Things got too much in the end.. I was crying all the time to my mum down the phone, I wanted to move home, I wanted to drop out of uni, and disappear to Ireland. I nearly did, but when it came to the crunch of having to finish with my boyfriend, I was too afraid of hurting him, so I didn’t go. I gave up my course, and spent the next 6 months working in a small shop , drinking bottle and a half of wine a night, binge eating, and watching my life turn into nothing.
I used to fantasise about suicide, but I would never EVER have contemplated putting it into action, there were too many people that would get hurt..
I moved home after a year, and the following year I broke up with my ex. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but because of that , things began to change
I lost a lot of weight, and spent every night partying and losing myself in yet more alcohol and drugs. .. but I met my current boyfriend, and he helped me to begin to turn my life around…. Everyone seemed really happy for me, even my ex.. except one person who still to this day over a year later, is still the bane of my ****ing life.
We used to be best friends, and to cut a very long story short, she doesn’t like who I am anymore, what I do, how I live my life, and even more so she doesn’t like my boyfriend.
There was an intervention at one point early in my new relationship, and I had to visit her and her fiancé, and I got a grilling about what a shit friend I was, how I made her feel like shit, etc etc… I came away from there, m confidence in shattered pieces, and my heart feeling like someone had ripped it out of me…
How could being a new person, and being a happier and more confident person, be such an awful thing…
From then on, my head started going crazy.. I was thinking at 100mph every day, about what were people thinking of me, was she right? Was I really such a bad person for living how I wanted to live? I thought I was nice to people… I AM nice to people.. why am I being made to feel so guilty for being in love and happy for the first time in my life… ???
A few months later we had a massive argument, she would refuse to talk to me on the phone, and refused to see my in person, so she could say what she wanted over the internet, and she could still hide. She said some really horrible things, and I kept the message history as proof that I said nothing hateful towards her at all.. I just had to try and keep justifying myself… justifying my life, and she still came out with ‘ it pretty much is always your fault, good luck with Luke , pretty soon he’ll be all you have left’’
After then I felt that no matter what I did, or what I said, wasn’t ever good enough for anyone.
My anxiety has gotten worse and worse, and all I think about when I wake up is what are people thinking about me, do they really like me, are they talking about me beind my back, did they actually want to see me, or are they feeling obliged to have to see me…
Its ruined my confidence.. and because of all this, its made me hate who I am as a person.
I do things that would be classed as ‘unhelpful behaviour’ in dealing with how I feel.
I feel ugly, and fat, and hate everything about myself as a person. I feel selfish, and boring, and I hate my clothes and the way I dress. I look at photos of my boyfriends ex, and feel compared to her, im nothing. Shes all big and pink and smiley and I would love to be able to dress (and afford) the things she wears, and it makes me feel so angry when I see her pictures, but I don’t know why im doing it. I hate who I am, and feel that I deserve to be lonely…
I do feel lonely.
The stupid thing is , I have the most amazing close friends, the ones who have stuck by me through my breakup, through my new relationship, and through all this crap with my so called ‘friend’, and I know they honestly like me, and are happy for the changes in my life that have made me who I am..
I am a happier person in general, my ED is nearly non existent now, my life has transformed since meeting Luke, and im learning that I can be who I really want to be. . still though, sometimes I just want to hide away, and sometimes I still think that’s what everyone else still wants.
My head races so much with paranoia, and feelings of worthlessness, second guessing people, and believing that I really am not worth peoples time…
Im still not sure sure where this CBT is going to take me, and im still very unsure right now. I feel its going down the wrong route, but I suppose he knows what hes doing..
Ive spent pretty much a week indoors, and away from seeing people, I ended up getting a cold sore through getting run down, so now only have I felt like crap, ive looked like crap and ive been postponing seeing friends, because I just cant cope with constant fear and thoughts of ‘what are they thinking about me, will they go back and tell her that im feeling like shit, I bet shed love that, why do they wanna see me, they must feel they have to ‘ etc…
God. This is a ****ing long ramble I know.. I suppose I just needed to get it out. At least this main bit is out of the way now.
So. Im going to leave it at this… hoping that maybe things will turn around…and soon.
Thankies for reading my lovlies, means a lot.:blush:
See you again soon.
Mucho love
Wigi-Woo
Ive been having CBT for about 3-4 weeks now, and have discovered that pretty much every action and way of thinking that has controlled my life since I was 16, has been down to having Generalized Anxiety.
Right now im finding it really hard to get on board with it, because ive found its brought up a lot of actually having to think about what im thinking, and I don’t like what im thinking about half the time anyway so having to thinking about thinking really isn’t my idea of fun at all.
After looking through and working with the workbooks and tasks ive been handed, ive been looking back to how my life has been, and most of it has always focused on not being able to cope, and hating myself and constantly thinking others hate me.. I wonder about what people think about me, why theyre even bothering with me, and mostly that people don’t really want to be around me.. My coping methods these days are to usually suck up to people, to constantly reassure myself by checking with them that things are ok, and that I am still liked , and this crushes my confidence daily because I just don’t feel good enough for anyone, let alone attempting to even like my own company.
When I was 15 I developed and eating disorder, and the only way I could cope with negative feelings about myself or dealing with bad situations, or even if I had a bad day, was to throw up what I ate. I just felt it was the only solution to mentally clear myself of any bad feelings, or crazy rapid thinking …
When I was 16 I went to college, and struggled the whole way through, because I felt that if I didn’t get good grades, I would disappoint my parents, and feel like a failure, so instead of trying to achieve more, I began giving up. I was self harming, and spent most of my time at home throwing up because it was the only feeling of calm and release I could give myself.
At 19 I started a university degree. I moved out into a student home with my boyfriend of 3 years and 2 guys and a girl. Again my studies suffered because rather than tryin to commit myself to the course, I went into myself and thought, whats the point in carrying on if im going to fail anyway… the art I was doing wasn’t relavant to the course, and I was threatened to be thrown off unless I picked up.
At this point all I was doing was throwing up, binge eating and drinking like a fish every night and at weekends.
I got onto the next year, and moved into another student house again with the boyfriend and 2 other guys. Things got too much in the end.. I was crying all the time to my mum down the phone, I wanted to move home, I wanted to drop out of uni, and disappear to Ireland. I nearly did, but when it came to the crunch of having to finish with my boyfriend, I was too afraid of hurting him, so I didn’t go. I gave up my course, and spent the next 6 months working in a small shop , drinking bottle and a half of wine a night, binge eating, and watching my life turn into nothing.
I used to fantasise about suicide, but I would never EVER have contemplated putting it into action, there were too many people that would get hurt..
I moved home after a year, and the following year I broke up with my ex. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but because of that , things began to change
I lost a lot of weight, and spent every night partying and losing myself in yet more alcohol and drugs. .. but I met my current boyfriend, and he helped me to begin to turn my life around…. Everyone seemed really happy for me, even my ex.. except one person who still to this day over a year later, is still the bane of my ****ing life.
We used to be best friends, and to cut a very long story short, she doesn’t like who I am anymore, what I do, how I live my life, and even more so she doesn’t like my boyfriend.
There was an intervention at one point early in my new relationship, and I had to visit her and her fiancé, and I got a grilling about what a shit friend I was, how I made her feel like shit, etc etc… I came away from there, m confidence in shattered pieces, and my heart feeling like someone had ripped it out of me…
How could being a new person, and being a happier and more confident person, be such an awful thing…
From then on, my head started going crazy.. I was thinking at 100mph every day, about what were people thinking of me, was she right? Was I really such a bad person for living how I wanted to live? I thought I was nice to people… I AM nice to people.. why am I being made to feel so guilty for being in love and happy for the first time in my life… ???
A few months later we had a massive argument, she would refuse to talk to me on the phone, and refused to see my in person, so she could say what she wanted over the internet, and she could still hide. She said some really horrible things, and I kept the message history as proof that I said nothing hateful towards her at all.. I just had to try and keep justifying myself… justifying my life, and she still came out with ‘ it pretty much is always your fault, good luck with Luke , pretty soon he’ll be all you have left’’
After then I felt that no matter what I did, or what I said, wasn’t ever good enough for anyone.
My anxiety has gotten worse and worse, and all I think about when I wake up is what are people thinking about me, do they really like me, are they talking about me beind my back, did they actually want to see me, or are they feeling obliged to have to see me…
Its ruined my confidence.. and because of all this, its made me hate who I am as a person.
I do things that would be classed as ‘unhelpful behaviour’ in dealing with how I feel.
I feel ugly, and fat, and hate everything about myself as a person. I feel selfish, and boring, and I hate my clothes and the way I dress. I look at photos of my boyfriends ex, and feel compared to her, im nothing. Shes all big and pink and smiley and I would love to be able to dress (and afford) the things she wears, and it makes me feel so angry when I see her pictures, but I don’t know why im doing it. I hate who I am, and feel that I deserve to be lonely…
I do feel lonely.
The stupid thing is , I have the most amazing close friends, the ones who have stuck by me through my breakup, through my new relationship, and through all this crap with my so called ‘friend’, and I know they honestly like me, and are happy for the changes in my life that have made me who I am..
I am a happier person in general, my ED is nearly non existent now, my life has transformed since meeting Luke, and im learning that I can be who I really want to be. . still though, sometimes I just want to hide away, and sometimes I still think that’s what everyone else still wants.
My head races so much with paranoia, and feelings of worthlessness, second guessing people, and believing that I really am not worth peoples time…
Im still not sure sure where this CBT is going to take me, and im still very unsure right now. I feel its going down the wrong route, but I suppose he knows what hes doing..
Ive spent pretty much a week indoors, and away from seeing people, I ended up getting a cold sore through getting run down, so now only have I felt like crap, ive looked like crap and ive been postponing seeing friends, because I just cant cope with constant fear and thoughts of ‘what are they thinking about me, will they go back and tell her that im feeling like shit, I bet shed love that, why do they wanna see me, they must feel they have to ‘ etc…
God. This is a ****ing long ramble I know.. I suppose I just needed to get it out. At least this main bit is out of the way now.
So. Im going to leave it at this… hoping that maybe things will turn around…and soon.
Thankies for reading my lovlies, means a lot.:blush:
See you again soon.
Mucho love
Wigi-Woo