self harming again

[bomberbeamish]

i im self harmimg again after years of not doing it,, i cant help it,, i have to punish myself cause im such a bitch,,,,, im a child in an adults body,, im a selfish cow,, and got only feel good by harming.

[Just want it to stop]

why do you think these things about yourself? what is the proof?

[miss_moose]

I watched a program which had some great advice in about self harming, the psychologist said that You need to ask yourself what makes you feel better about harming, do you feel better about the pain you are causing or is it seeing blood, or maybe a mixture of the two?

If it's the pain that makes you feel release then use an ice cube on your skin, it will sting and hurt but won't do damage.

If the blood makes it feel better then drip red paint onto your skin.

[bomberbeamish]

i dunno i like the pain i guess,, not so much the blood,, and i like the marks i leave i guess,, i cut in words and letters to how im feeling,, ive cut a big b in im wrist which stands for bitch,,,, im a bitch cause im moody,, and agrophobic so eveyone all ways on my case,,, i cant keep everyone happy,, cause im gutless,,, i just cant get over agrophobia,, i have had councilling,,, hypno,, every med going,, exposure therpy ,, all sorts.

[miss_moose]

I've been where you are, i call them my "dark days", i spent years in bed, too panicky to even sit downstairs.
I lived with my mum but felt so alone, she resented me for become so ill and i had no friends.
I used to self harm, it was a bordem thing for me, it gave me something to do, simple as.
I started using a strawberry extract cream on my wrists because it looked like cuts but it would just wipe off. it really helped.

It got to the point where i was suisidal, not that i would ever kill myself, i just felt so low and thought i'd be living with my mum forever.

But now i'm engaged, and i'm living with my fiance. although way too panicky to get married as i still have agrophobia to some degree and terrible social phobia.

Just as i got to the point where i thought i could no longer survive, litterary months later everything changed.

Do you have any friends, or people you feel comfy with?

How agoraphobic are you? Can you go out a little or only to certain places? Or are you housebound?

I've got an agoraphobia action plan that i wrote about 5 years ago when i started to take my first steps into going out.

I'll PM it to you if you want? xxx

[bomberbeamish]

hi miss moose, on good days i can go about half amile from home in the car to nip in to the shop,, id like to have alook at your action plan,, so pls feel free to pm me,,

thanks u for all your responses, xxx

[Just want it to stop]

I am really sorry to hear about your problems and hope that you manage to change our negative outlook on yourself. I understand how the mind can take control over the way you feel no matter how irrational it may be.

[miss_moose]

I wasn;t able to PM you Bomberbeamish, it said something about your account not being able to recieve private messages.

The action plan me and my partner wrote together was when I was completely housebound with agoraphobia, so it's as if you are starting from scratch.
(Some of the things i wrote in it are a little out of date now since it was writted 5 years ago but you get the drift.)
I've taylored it so it's not so personal to me anymore though, maybe you could print it out and put it in your room or stick it on your fridge and go through it with a support person.

Agoraphobia Action Plan
Firstly, do you have a support person? Mine is my boyfriend Daniel, he's the only person I feel completely safe and at ease with, so if you have someone like that then that will help a great deal. It can be a family member, friend, anyone you feel comfortable with…especially if they have a car as they can help you to see new places, rather than just walking in the street as that gets very boring and then there’s no motivation.

A comfort bag is also a great way of making you feel comfortable while you are out. A comfort bag is a bag that you can take everywhere you go that has just about everything you need to ease your panic and distract you.
In mine I have a hot water bottle, spare car keys (so I can go and sit in the car if I panic), a drink, some water, tissues, my mobile phone, a pen and a few magazines.

I know it's scary but with your support person, if you have one, go for a little walk. It doesn’t matter if you don’t get far because it's just a little tester to see how far you get and how bad your agoraphobia has got.

When I did my “tester walk” I only got to our bin, about 8 meters from our door, then I stopped and had a panic attack. I stayed outside though until the panic eased, it’s not always possible to do this but will a lot of encouragement and support I managed, there was no one around either which helped loads.
Then I came back inside and relaxed.
It’s so hard but that tester walk is the first step to recovery. You just have to not give up because it’s when you stop trying, that’s when you slip back to square 1 again.

A few days after my tester walk I tried again, this time on my own, just a little walk in our back street to meet Daniel, then walked back with him.
The trick is to try, even if you feel bad, just try once your anxiety has lowered. Being spontaneous is best for when you go for a walk, if you’re just watching TV and feeling good, then just go and put your shoes on and try a walk. Even if you only get a few meters, like Daniel keeps telling me “if you don’t try, you don’t know what you can do”, I works because even if I feel bad and I say I don’t want to get out of the car, I always do better than I thought.
A few months ago, I was really panicky but I managed to go in one shop, then we drove to another, just as we were about to get to the shop we nearly crashed and I had a panic attack, I was adamant that I couldn’t go in another shop and I was crying but I tried and I went in the shop and picked up some bread, I came back to the car then but I tried and I did better.

Don’t set goals either, if you set goals and don’t reach them you feel like a failure. So every time you go out just say “I’ll try my best, I’ll just see how far I get”, this has worked wonders for me because there’s no pressure. YOU are in control so it eases your anxiety, it’s up to you where you go, how long your out for, if you need to stop then stop, you’ll find your self pushing yourself further in time once your more comfortable because it’s your decision.
Make sure that your support person knows this too and doesn’t push you into things you aren’t ready for, encouragement is great and ask you to just try even if you feel you cant, but it’s important they don’t pressure you.

If you feel panicky it’s still important to get out so even if you don’t feel well enough to walk then just sit in the garden or go for a drive in the car (you being the passenger), then if you do get the urge to go for a walk in the park or something then you can. This usually happens to me when we just go for a drive.

If you have a camera then that is great, photography has helped many agoraphobics, including myself, to get out and take beautiful photos. It makes you want to go further, I push myself so much when I have my camera because I want to take new photos. If you have a digital camera that’s even better as your photos are instant and you can shop people in your support group what you’ve been up to.
Also it’s a great way of proving to yourself that you can go out, even when you feel you cant because you have photographic proof.

If you have a bad experience, it's vital that you don’t let it set you back, I’ve had loads of panic attacks outside but avoiding going out again will just set you back then you have to start all over again which is so frustrating as well as heartbreaking so don’t let it put you off and still go out the same day or the next day at the very least.

I also kept a "Progress Diary", to write it what i'd done everyday, how i felt, then i could work out if there were any patterns and see if anything could be changed and also see how far i'd come, or if i was slipping back.

Online support groups are also great because you can get encouragement and reassurence, and maybe even make some friends.

Good luck and take care xxx

[BunnyMazonas]

self harming is such a tricky thing to get away from. I did it for years, because it would make me feel better. If I felt panicky, stressed,anxious or emotional something about it always calmed me down - it became like a little ritual.

I stillam not entirely certain whether it was the endorphin rush, the ritual or the fact that the pain would bring me back into the NOW, focussing my brain on the one thing instead of everything else, that made it something I depended on so much. But it is important to remember that self harm is an addiction, it might make you feelbetter but, to an alcoholic, drinking makes them "feel better" too. That doesn't make it okay.

You're not alone in this, but I want you to remember that these darkthoughts you have about yourself aren't true. The little voice in your head is chattering away and trying to upset you, saying all these nasty things, but you don't have to believe them. You are NOT a bitch. You have worth and you, and your body, deserve better. You deserve the very best you can get.

Are you getting help from anyonefor this? If not, please please consider seeing someone; you don't have to talk about things that you don't want to, you can even just use counselling sessions as a space forpeace and quiet if that is what you need.

[verity]

Hi I self harmed for years, I stopped cos I was working with teenagers at the time and didnt want them to see the cuts.
For me it was like an addiction and I had to deal with it like an addiction. I just had to make myself not do it even when I really wanted too.
I cleared my house of sharp knives, I know you can self harm with just about anything (I used to use the sharp backs of earings if I had nothing else to had) but to clear the house of sharp knives I knew that I was in less danger of doing anything serious.
I once cut myself so bad I was taken to hosptial to be stiched up.
Take one day at a time and have someone to talk to, a friend, family member or counsellor.
Dont punish yourself just because of agoraphobia, you dont deserve that. You can get better. I know a friend who could only go half a mile up the road and now she can go shopping, go to local towns, she is getting better day by day.
Have faith and accept yourself, we are all flawed, none of us are perfect
God Bless
xxx