Anxiety and relationships...advice needed!!

[Loleestyrene]

Hello everyone!

I am new to this forum so not totally sure where to start with this one, it's a bit of a long story to be honest! sorry! haha

Well I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression and have done for a few years, but it's only recently that I have decided to do something about it.
What prompted me to get help was that a 3 year relationship with a guy who I believe to be my soulmate broke down because of my anxiety (I would do stupid things and accuse him of wanting someone else better etc) and because he felt like (in his words) 'my carer' as I had lost my independance due to the anxiety issues.
He ended things and quite frankly I hit rock bottom...I was having constant panic attacks and suicidal thoughts and one day I woke up and made the conscious decision to go to the doctors.
I was put on 75g of Dosulepin and put on a waiting list for CBT/Counselling.
In the weeks that followed, the medication did lighten my mood slightly and the beta blockers stopped my panic attacks but I still spent every day in tears!
Then, after a few long and upsetting phone conversations, my ex asked me to meet up with him for a cup of tea and a chat....
The long and short of it is that what I thought would be a couple of hours of awkwardness and pain, turned into 3 lovely days spent together.
He told me he 'felt like a giddy school boy' again.
I left him (we live in different cities), blissfully happy but not knowing what was going to happen.
I have seen him nearly every weekend since but am again having extreme anxiety over what is going on.
The only thing that's been said is that we are just going to 'hang out and have fun'
I'm not totally sure what this means....I want us to get back together but i'm too scared to bring it up for fear of pushing him away and getting hurt all over again.
I've started the counselling and now feel like i'm slowly but surely getting better BUT this thing with my ex is making my anxiety bad again.
I'm scared i'm going to lose him again and get seperation anxiety when I leave him after a weekend together.
I don't want to be his back up plan or (for want of a better term) his 'friend with benefits'
Is he just waiting to see that I am getting better and making progress? (protecting himself)
And should I bring it up soon??
I should add that I do believe that we should take things slowly BUT I need to know where I stand at all times right?
Any advice would be very, very welcome!

Thanks in advance X

[Nattyburt]

Hello,

I can understand your situation well, my relationship broke up because i became too dependent on him. I became very needy and felt insecure when i wasn't with him, and constantly accusing him of affairs. When he left me i went to pieces and felt it very hard to cope alone. I did get better though, with the help of my family and friends. I think we need to learn to cope alone before attaching ourselves to others as it can be a strain on the relationship. Unfortunately panic attack sufferes attach them selves to the one person they trust and find it impossible to go anywhere without there "safe person". This can be a constant battle for them and us. I think your boyfriend does need to tell you exactly what he whats and i certainly wouldn't agree to the friend senario with "benefits" as you know yourself you are worth more than that. Please don't thnk that you can't cope without him because you are stronger than you think, after all you survived panic attacks for this long and there hell! and after all if the going backwards and forth is making you more anxious then is it really worth it. Remember your health should always come before your love life and although it hurts, it does heal. Maybe you should spend some time apart and focus on your self, get better - have a new haircut, a manicure even. as my mum always says " there's plenty more fish in the sea".

x

[eeyorelover]

If you need to know where you two are headed, ask him.
You deserve to have that answered!!
It sounds like you have made some great progress and you should be very proud of yourself!
Don't let this cause a roadblock for you.

Anxiety sufferers are people pleasers mostly but we have to learn to think of our own wellbeing just as much as we would someone elses!
We have to love ourselves and stand up for ourselves to empower us as individuals.

There is nothing wrong with asking him where he thinks this is going or what he thinks it is now.
Plus if you two are going to have any type of long term relationship again you have to be able to be honest and have open conversations.
xxx
Sandy

[Loleestyrene]

Hey Nattyburt and Sandy!

Thanks so much for the advice...I really appreciate it!
Nattyburt....You're right, I definately need to learn to be by myself before I am in a full-on relationship again, that's why I agreed to take things slowly with him and I am definately trying to work on that :)
I just get so easily attached and I can feel that i'm only looking forward to my weekends if i'm going to see him....silly eh?!
I know that I can't just be his friend who he calls up when he wants a good time though and if that's all he wants then I will try and find the strength to let go!
I do genuinely get the impression he wants us to be together again though, his best friend seems to think he's just scared of being hurt by me and my distrust of him again.
Hmmm...we'll see!
Sandy....you're so right, I do need to talk to him about this don't I?
I guess I can't invest time (that I could be spending on getting better) on him if it's never going to be a proper relationship again.
We are definately all people pleasers and I suppose I was just avoiding upsetting him by pushing him into making decisions....but in the process it's upsetting me!

Thanks again guys! XX

[leony]

Know exactly what ur going through have been married 4 36 years have decided 2 seperate amicably as he was diagnosed 10 years ago with PTSD i was diagnosed 5 years ago with GAD after working full time in really stressful job tried to help as much as i could just ended up smothering him. Every 1 is now suffering around us as he will not accept help and my health is going downhill think we just need our own space 4 the time being will have 2 c what happens later on. I became really clingy and depended on him 2 much when i hit rock bottom and he had his own problems to deal with so have decided 2 spend some time on our own 4 the time being it might do us both good just feel so sad and a bit of a failure at the moment