View Full Version : My diary of 'The meds v anxiety'.
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(Before) Day One
OK, I am going to start a diary to explain my experiences going on to Cipralex /Lexapro in the hope it may help other people who are facing a similar journey on this - or other tablets. I have done this before as I will explain and I know putting it in writing helped me and one or two others so here goes…
Brief background: I am a man in my mid-40s who has suffered from a mixture of anxiety/depression and public speaking panic attacks on and off for a number of years despite holding down a pretty high-profile job that makes me have to be ‘up’ and ‘smiling’ most of the time (not easy). I resisted taking meds for a long time (a bloke thing I think) but when I did accept the inevitable I started taking Cipralex and they really, really helped. They helped so much in fact that I am afraid I came off them too quickly a couple of times. The last time I needed them I stayed with them for over a year and came off them again when feeling a lot better. That was some 12 months ago but in recent weeks I have felt many of the symptoms coming back so today I went to the doctor and said ‘I give up, I need to go back on the tablets’. And that’s where the story begins…
Pre-first tablet. Well, here we go again. 12 months after I thought I may have passed through the anxiety door (for good?) I was back at the doctor’s this morning saying I had been feeling those familiar feelings again and I needed the extra support that comes from the meds. I actually apologised I think (although we have nothing to apologise for of course) as you do feel a bit of a failure that you can’t beat this thing on your own. But that is the wrong way to look at it. Anxiety is an enemy that chooses its own time to attack – it is out of our hands. All we can do is try and attack back when this anxiety strikes – and those little white tablets are the best weapons I know. I simply have to face this battle again because I cannot and will not be beaten by anxiety and its evil offspring depression and panic.
So, folks, I will be talking my first tablet again tonight.
I have been give packs of 5mgs to start for the first week but the doc said I could go straight to 10mg (the usual dose) if I needed to. All I am trying to do now is remember the side effects of old. I recall the night-time sweats (lovely), the curious case of yawning a lot (an odd feeling) and the rather depressing thought that you do tend to feel somewhat worse before feeling better (yippee!). There is also the ‘male problem’ which I am too embarrassed to talk about here but which is a bit of a drag to be honest.
Beyond that I can’t remember much (which is probably a good thing) but what I do remember and what I WILL remember is that the side effects prove something is happening to our bodies/mind – and if we want the meds to work we have to accept that they have their own path to follow.
So this is the last time I will be writing when I am not on the meds. I am feeling OK and I am feeling positive about the whole process and I feel sure this will be a change for the good.
Let the battle commence.
Good luck and well done for biting the bullet and heading back to the doc's.
I'm intrigued by meds. I have been suffering from anxiety for a few months now and am wondering if this is the way forward for me also.
I'll keep a keen eye on this thread.
Well done for starting this Raven.
Side effects do pass (well most of them) and the "male" problem is something we've talked about a lot here so don't be shy lol.
Good luck with it - hope you feel better soon.
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day One - May 13, 2010
Well, I am up and running - although to be fair I nearly didn't do it.
After my visit to the dox yesterday I drove home taking great comfort from the fact that I had my prescription nestled neatly by my side. I felt like I was doing something positive to fight this thing and felt really good as a result.
So good in fact that last night I felt fine. My anxiety was all but gone, my depressive thoughts subsided and there was not a hint of panic as I talked to people. 'Hey, I'm not that bad after all' I thought. 'Who needs those darned tablets with their side effects? I just won't bother' I boldy decided.
And then ....the morning arrived. All that bubbling excitement that maybe even paying for the prescription alone had done the trick simply evaporated. By the time I got into work for a not particularly stressful looking day (Thursdays aren't by and large) I was a mass of anxious thoughts again. And so by lunchtime I realised that last night was NOT my normal, resting state at the moment - what I felt this morning actually is.
So, taking advantage of the fact that I only live about 20 minutes from the office by car I said I needed to pop home at lunch to pick up a report and at 1.15 I took my first 5mg tablet to begin my med (Cipralex) journey again.
I confess I stared at that tablet for some time before taking it because I have been on them (on and off) for the best part of what, four or five years now, and I really thought they were a part of my past. But anxiety is a cruel deceiver which cons you it has left and the reality is it can hit you when you are least expecting it. That is what has happened again this time - and I'm not having it! :lac:
Sometimes you just can't make it on your own and this is my 'sometimes' again I'm afraid. No, I am not happy to be back on meds but then again I hate anxiety/depression and panic far more than I hate medication and so I have to do what I have to do.
Right, I'm fully four hours into my treatment then and not a miracle cure in sight.
What is wrong with these tablets????!!!:shades:
Thanks for reading.
Sam (The Raven)
Good luck Sam!
I am on week 4 today of Cipralex and although I started to feel better (after feeling MUCH WORSE!) after about 2 weeks, I am definitely not out of the woods yet.
I still wake up way too early, anxious and shifting in bed and unless I keep myself busy during the day I feel my anxiety creeping back. I had a few days holiday this week and I felt I was heading back to were I started from, so I was funnily glad to be back at work! How sad! :wacko:
So I am in a bit of a limbo: I really want this med to work for me, but reading other people experience I feel I should be feeling much better than this after a month being on it!
I really don't want to switch and wait another month before starting to feel better on a different medication, so I am hanging on a bit longer...
Hope it goes better for you.
Great Thread!
Hey Newbie,
Thanks for the comments - and I understand all of them.
As you can see I have been on this path before and all I would say is stick with it. They do say it takes 4-6 weeks for Cipralex to really start to 'kick in' - although it is sometimes much less for people. I found that it was around the month mark myself when I noticed longer periods without the constant knot in my stomach and edge-of-the-seat tension which always symbolises my anxiety and you are probably heading in the right direction.
I agree about the holiday thing by the way. At the moment I am counting the minutes until the weekend when I am not at work so I can 'escape' but I know when I am at home I will have more time to brood and that makes you anxious and restless too. Cruel and confusing hey?
Keep in touch...and keep believing.
Sam
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day Two - May 14, 2010
Well, I am up and running - two tablets down and my first big hurdle mounted.
Side effects vary for everyone of course but I was surprised how quickly they kicked in for me after just my first tablet.
Within just a few hours of taking the tablet at lunchtime I had that strange 'empty legs' feeling where your legs feel a bit loose and disconnected (does anyone know what I mean?). Then as I hit the bed last night some more tablet-induced changes occurred.
The sweats arrived, the mass yawning began and when I woke up this morning after a pretty intense sleep I felt wide awake - even though it was really early. All of these are factors I remembered from before so I wasn't totally surprised - apart from how quickly I was experiencing them.
And the hurdle to mount? Well, I had to talk this morning at a pretty important meeting. When my anxiety/panic is at its height as it is now this is a BIG thing for me and although I can happily join in cross-table debates it is the bit where they go round the table and you are put on the spot and have to speak for yourself that I always dread. All eyes are one you and that is scary for most people, most of the time I imagine. When you are anxious that fear goes through the roof.
Well, I got through it (despite thinking 'I am gonna fail, I am gonna fail' just seconds before) and, as always happens when you have a victory in the anxiety war you feel so much better as a result. We must count and remember every win in my opinion - however minor. And today depsite virtually three hours of anxiety preparing for just a five minute 'solo' spot I got through it - and yes that is a victory.
Right, the weekend now beckons and after being introduced for a couple of days back to my 5g I will probably up it to 10 (the proper dose). Double trouble!
Will keep you posted....
Sam
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day Five - May 18, 2010
Ah well, here I am again. I had hoped to write earlier but I haven't really had the time or private access to the computer.
Well, I can't deny the tablets (I am on 10mg) are now well and truly in my system. I recall from my past experiences with them that the first couple of weeks were a bit strange and a bit testing and the past few days haven't been easy to be honest.
Everyone gets (or doesn't get if they are lucky) different side effects but for the record here are the ones I have encountered so far:
Night-time sweats - This is something I remember from old but it seems a bit more dramatic this time. I lie in bed feeling as if I am in a sauna and in the morning I feel as though I am on fire. I always wanted a 'water bed' - now I feel as if I have got one.
Slow reaction/lack of concentration/lack of eneregy - I don't feel as quick witted or on 'my game' as usual and I am hiding a bit to be honest in social situations for fear of exposing the fact that I don't feel great.
Loss of appetite - I just can't face food much at the moment. Not really important or hard to cope with - but strange nethertheless.
Anxiety/depression still in force - I knew this would be the case. Going on the tablets can increase anxiety briefly and I have accepted that there will be no instant miracle cure. I think it took me a month before to start feeling more on an even keel so I can be patient. I hope.
Writing it all down it doesn't seem too bad but to be honest I was pretty low at the weekend and had a really 'couch potato' day on Sunday which didn't do me any harm I guess but isn't really the route I want to go down. I am also noticing that the day definitely gets better as it goes on. The morning is pretty tough but by mid-afternoon/early evening I am certainly picking up.
So that's where I am at the moment. I don't want to sound discouraging to anyone facing the tablets, I just want an honest appraisal of my experience in the hope others will share and in the hope that good news will follow.
The truth is I KNOW from previous experiences that these tablets can and will work for me (and others) so I will stick with them and cope with whatever they throw at me.
Side-effects prove the tablets are changing us. And that is what we want them to do so I will stay positive.
Onwards and upwards...
Sam
Thank you Sam for keep posting!
I am not on week 4 and I can finally admit that I am feeling better!
I manage to get woken by either my alarm or my kitten :scared15: rather than my anxiety! And although I still feel a knot in my stomach when I get up, it does go within a couple of hours and it's far from the sheer panic I was experiencing only 2 weeks ago.
Please keep posting as I really enjoy coming here and read your experience. I'm sure things will improve quickly for you as you seem to have a good spirit.
Marco.
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day Six - May 19, 2010
First off thank you Marco/Newbie76 for your encouraging remarks.
The beauty of a site like this is sometimes the right word said at the right time (as you just did) can be a like a shot of positive energy in a bad day. For, I have to say, today has not been good.
The pills are obviously doing their stuff now in terms of getting into my body and trying to find the problem and in the meantime they have left me feeling a bit spaced out and somewhat, ahem, tense.
My levels of concentration and energy are pretty limited and although as I write this I know I am on a mid-afternoon slight upward curve this morning was really rather rocky and I felt very hot and bothered - quite literally.
What I have started to do is to do a rough hand-drawn graph where by the hour I mark how I am feeling on a scale of '1-10'. I don't really get above five until nowish (3pm) to be honest and 10am seems a particularly bad time but I know I will steadily improve throughout the rest of the day. By doing this graph thinggy (and this diary) I hope to mark my progress and look forward to seeing better scores in the days, weeks and months to come.
So, not a great day to be honest but as I keep saying if the pills weren't giving you side effects you wouldn't know your body had noticed them. The side effects prove 'something' is happening and that is what I want.
Your words have helped Marco and I am delighted you are seeing progress. I envy your encouraging 'graph' - and look forward to replicating it!
Sam
PS Thank you also to the person who sent me a private message (I won't mention names) - and I hope my reply was of some help. I am rooting for you.
Hi Sam!
Well, you will get to where I am and overtake me, no doubt! I really think it's healthy your way of rationalising what you are feeling and being able to be patient and hopeful.
My first days on Cipralex were an absolute nightmare and I felt totally hopeless. If I wrote on these forums it was a sort of a desperate cry for help rather than a constructive diary like yours! So you are definitely doing the right thing!
I went to see my psychiatrist for the 2nd time yesterday and I am starting to have doubt about him. This time he only kept me in 25 minutes and I could see he was going through his notes trying to find something to ask me. After a while he said: "So, is there anything you would like to talk about?" cue long uncomfortable silence!
I didn't know I had to go there prepared and I thought he would ask me questions and then gave me explanations on why I am feeling a certain way... I left his studio feeling strange, wondering if this is helping, or if I should just get my GP to keep prescribing my Cipralex and get on with it!
Anyway, that's just me rumbling! I hope today is a better day than yesterday for you! By the way, from 1 to 10 on your graph, what's the highest you reach?
Good luck,
Marco.
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
Day Eight - May 21, 2010
Anyone know the Bruce Springsteen song 'I'm On Fire'? Well that sums up how I feel at the moment as I sit at my desk at work at 8.30am. To quote another song I am feeling 'Hot, Hot, Hot' and the sun hasn't even probably risen yet.
Since being on Ciprlaex the biggest physical impact for me has definitley been this increase in heat/sweating and it is pretty horrible in the morning. I do recall this from last time but not to this extent and is more than a tad uncomfortable.
The point of a diary is to report things 'warts and all' and so it is only fair to say the warts are out at the moment (not literally thankfully).
My depressive thoughts seem to be higher than usual as are my anxiety bursts at times and it is hard to know what is causing all these sensations and to what extent the med side effects are causing them or highlighting them. I think it is probably the latter in that as the pills do their stuff things can take a bit of a dive but I really hope this subsides sooner rather than later because it is pretty tough.
On the plus side though the day does get better as it goes on and by the mid-early evening I feel like I am coping fine. I know it will even out eventually and the OK periods will become the norm rather than the exception but I guess we are all impatient and I just want it to happen soon.
Oh well at least the weekend looms. I haven't got much planned (a good thing) but at least the pressure of work subsides. Only downside is that we are expecting a heatwave here in the UK. A heatwave when I am sweating a lot and feeling constantly hot already. Nightmare!
Sam
alwaysanxious
23-05-10, 21:22
hi sam ive been watching your post and as you know ive still not taking mine yet, im kinda thinking worse now as like me youve been on them before and are suffering more this time round shit i thought i was kinda hoping that normally if a medication worked for me before it might do again this time round,, i get really hot flashes anyway but that could my age im 41 next tuesday but hate them as it is. my fear is not being able to cope with the side effects if there bad what do i do then ????i havent had any anxiety or panics for about 3 days and am wondering if i should take my medicine after all only to make it worse ??? anyway hope your weekend wasnt that bad spesh with all the heat weve had its going to cool down next week so thats a blessing!!!
stay posted
tc lisa
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
May 25, 2010
Hello, I'm back - and sorry about the disappearing act.
You will note that I haven't got a 'day' in my diary timeline and that is because I am temporaraily off the tablets. I don't want anyone to worry that something awful has happened or there is something wrong with the tablets - there isn't - I just need to check something out.
The thing is I was really reluctant to start Cipralex again. Not because I have anything against them - I know 100 per cent that they really, really helped me and my diary entries should show that - it is just that I worried about getting on the meds treadmill again and I was concerned that I may have done so too quickly when my anxiety seemed to be coming back. I have real anxiety/depression/panic issues but I am also scared of making this a permanent problem in my life and I have been asking myself 'did I really fight this hard enough before going back to the doctors'?
That I have anxiety (and its twins depression and panic) in my life again is simply not in doubt - the weekend was horrible to be honest - but I was really knocked about by the tablets this time particularly at the end of last week. I felt really low by Friday/Saturday and more anxious than ever and I kept saying 'give the tablets some time' but I couldn't work out whether my anxiety was out of control because it was out of control or whether the side effects from the meds were hitting me far more than they should (or indeed did previously).
I was also concious that after just two days on 5mg (the doc said I should do that for a week) I upped it to 10mg as I had been on that before and that might have just been too big a shock for my system. So on Friday night I agonised 'should I stop the tablets for a while and see if my anxiety is as bad as it now seems and the meds aren't an issue in that or just carry on and let them do their stuff'.
I carrried on but after a terrible Saturday and Sunday (mainly depressing thoughts to be honest and considerable 'hiding') I decided against taking the tablets on the Sunday night and haven't done so on the past two nights. Maybe that was foolish and I should accept I can't beat this on my own but anxiety does make you question everything - including in my case, can I ever escape it if I don't try to fight it harder med-free? Maybe that was niave - we shall see.
Anyway, my anxiety, of course, hasn't gone away since Sunday (how could it?) and today is already worse than yesterday but I am going to try and see how the next few days go. If my anxiety levels seem controllable I may delay re-starting the tablets but if things get worse I may start again - at 5mg for the first week as prescribed.
I am sorry if this is all terribly confusing and I am sorry to alwaysanxious for worrying her but I have to be certain that the meds are right for me again at this time. I don't need to be 100 per cent certain - that is impossible - but I need to be up to about 80 I think and I am not quite there at the moment.
I am a very positive person usually - I hope some of my diary entries prove that - and I will have no qualms going back to the meds if I think that is right but at the moment I am just not quite convinced and I need to be as sure in my mind as possible that I can't beat this on my own this time before restarting the Cipralex path that has been such a help in the past.
Whatever the case I remain a very passionate believer in Cipralex and it is possible the heightened anxiety/side effects was man-made not tablet-made and I don't want anyone to be put off for a second starting their course. This is just me and my private battle.
I will be back with an update in the next couple of days - and don't be surprised if it is day one of 5mg again because these tablets work. I just need to be sure in my mind that I am in the right frame of mind to let them do so.
Thanks for reading - and sorry if this has confused people. Join the club!
Kind regards
Sam The Raven
Hi Sam,
Good on you for always keeping us guessing! :yesyes:
I think it was very brave of you to try and stop treatment, and I admire you for that. I understand where you are coming from completely.
They say once you start Cipralex, you will have to be on it for AT LEAST 6 months, and that is quite a commitment! So it's only natural wanting to be 100% sure you are making the right decision before embarking (once again) on this chemical filled adventure!
At the end of the day, it is easy enough for doctors to fill in a prescription, but it is us who ultimately have to take the medication, so it's good for you to question if you really need it. I hope you can manage without.
Best of luck and keep us posted!
Marco.
alwaysanxious
26-05-10, 22:36
i read this and it made me cry im so so confused i was kind of looking forward to startinmg mine in a way and again now im not!!!!! sos orry raven (sam) that youve been brave enough to stop them half way thru treatment i do remeber going on cipralex in 2003 i had a full nervouse breakdown and my god they started me on 10mg i thought i was dying but i was so ill almost like a shell.. well this time around ive had alot of stress this past year and all ov a sudden panic attacks and anxiety has crept up on me last week i was so ill with it i thought i waqs going in hospital again so when i decided to go to the docts and ask for my tablets again after having been off them for a year... but this week ive been normal no panics no anxiety and im thinking hey im ok i dont need them, but long term i think i do .. maybe because u went on 5mg then couple days later on 10mg u had double the wammy ,, im that scared ive been prescribed 10mg and was gona take just half ov that as u know u can break them in half then i thought why dont i have half ov a half for a week then a half the next week then 10mg what do you think anyone can answer that 1 if you r reading this ???????? im thinking the less tablet in the less side effect start low n slow maybe thats what im thinking at the minuit would like some advice please ???? im sorry if i sound desperate to any 1 its just i am ..... lisa x
Hi Lisa,
I am sorry Sam's post made you worry. As you know, we all react differently to the medicines, so you may not experience the increased anxiety that Sam and I had. There is no way of forecasting it.
Taking half of a half (that would be 2.5mg) might work, but in my case I wanted to feel better soon, so I preferred to start on 10mg. and bear the consequences in view of feeling better faster.
If you are ok in waiting a while longer for the medicine to start having a positive impact on you, then by all means start with 2.5mg on the first week, then 5mg and then 10mg, however make sure you keep your doctor informed and do follow his advice as I am not a doctor (disclaimer! :noangel:).
Easier said than done I know, but try not to be so apprehensive about the medicine. If you start it and the try to analyse yourself every 5 minutes to see if your anxiety is increasing, it probably will! Take your pill and keep yourself busy (that's why I did not want to take any time off work when I started), distraction for me was the best coping tecnique.
I truly wish you all the best and keep us posted: I know tomorrow is day 0 for you! :winks:
Marco.
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(Update and message to Lisa and Marco)
Hey Lisa and Marco,
Thank you so much for both of your posts.
Lisa, I am really sorry if I made things worse for you - it was the last thing on earth I would want to do.
I wasn't sure even if I should write anything here when I decided to put the tablets on hold in case it created such a reaction but I felt above all we have to be honest with each other on this site.
We sometimes have to ‘pretend’ to others about our problems (sadly I do it all the time) but there are no secrets here and I wanted to be as up front as possible about my decision as I had made such a public statement with the diary.
As it is Lisa I am still not sure if I have/am doing the right doing by stopping the tablets because just as last week (when I was taking the tablets) seemed pretty horrible so does this week (when I am not).
I have had a couple of reasonable periods but far, far more chunks of bad ones (like just about the whole of yesterday for instance) and I know that whatever is or isn’t happening with my tablets, my anxiety/depression/panic is really powerful at the moment and cannot and will not be ignored. It has manifested itself this week in just as much nervousness, self-doubt and lethargy as I felt last week when I tried to blame the Cipralex so maybe that says a lot.
The truth is the last couple of weekends particularly haven’t been good for me so I will see how this one pans out before deciding whether to re-start my tablets again. I guess like us all we just keep hoping that one day we will wake up feeling so much better but with the various things going on in my life at the moment I have to accept that the 'miracle cure' just isn’t going to happen - I just need to decide if I am best to take the prescription I was given and let the tablets help me or try and fight it on my own.
So yes, Lisa, I am still confused but the truth is this is a problem with me – not with the tablets.
As for your situation, I can totally understand your fears about starting again but it really may not be as bad as you fear. What Marco says – and oh how I admire Marco for his positivity and good sense - is that if you keep analysing yourself and your feelings you will see your anxiety increasing anyway so if and when you take the tablets try as hard as you can to not interpret every action or reaction you feel. As you can see in my earlier posts I found that difficult to do – 'I am feeling worse is the Cipralex'? 'I am feeling better is it the Cipralex'? – and that is what led to my confusion but it is entirely possible you will start the tablets and have far, far less side effects than others experience and you mayb be pleasantly surprised. In addition – and it is one thing I did keep telling myself – side effects are proof of ‘something’ happening and that is what we all want ultimately.
Lisa, the truth is the only way to discover if these tablets can help you is to start them. Yes, I did and stopped but that may just be temporary and this is entirely a personal decision – we all have our own paths to tread and what may work for one of us may not for another.
Anxiety really is vile isn’t it – it even causes us all heightened anxiety worrying how to deal with it.
Marco can I just re-iterate again how grateful I am for your support, your understanding and your wise words of advice. The fact that you have battled through the early difficult weeks and are now sounding so strong is a great encouragement to me. Please keep us all posted about your progress. How are you at the moment for instance?
And Lisa we are here for you. You may be 'alwaysanxious' but we are 'alwayshere'.
Kind regards
Sam (The Raven)
Hi Sam,
Thank you for the update and all the compliments! :blush:
I will gladly give you an update about me, however I don't want to hijack your thread, so I will keep it short.
Cipralex seemed to have worked for me... well, in fact I want to give myself a pat on the back too and give some credit to myself not only to the meds. I tried to see things differently every day and surely Cipralex helped, but I have also done my bit!
I am on 20mg, which I thought it was a bit eccessive, but that's what my psychiatrist told me to do so I followed his advice. I have to say that I feel so much better, but in the morning I feel even too positive, if that makes sense! I wake up full of energy, I am a bit hyperactive and even at work I am extremely productive (so unlike me! :winks:). I wonder if I should perhaps reduce the Cipralex to 10mg per day... might be something to bring up with my psychiatrist next time.
I am finally eating regularly but my best achievement is sleeping like a baby! I get really annoyed by my alarm clock in the morning now, whereas before I'd be staring at the ceiling at 4.30! :scared15:
So all in all, I am very happy I started Cipralex and I believe I can say I am out of the long tunnel for now.
All the best Sam and Lisa.
Marco.
My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
(June 2 - 20 days since first Cipralex tablet)
OK, I have been away for the best part of a week and so I wanted to have an update on where I am.
As I said in my last update I have been having a bit of a battle about whether to take my tablets or to see if I can (this time) get through a very tough old anxiety/depression period on my own.
This time last week I was certainly edging to getting back on the meds trail but I said then I would see where I stood at the end of the weekend.
The reason for that was the two previous weekends had been hellish - one of them I said to myself (probably melodramatically) was possibly the worst weekend of my life as I was virtually stuck under a duvet with not so much as a hint of positivity in my mind. So I wanted to see if I could do better than that in a non-meds state.
Well, I did. The weekend wasn't without its trials but I genuinely felt much more positive about life, the universe and everything and I tried to make myself much busier and more alive. And it seemed to work.
I also (while out walking my dog) loudly declared to the field I was in that I had 'given' anxiety, depredsion and painic the month of May - and I was hereby claiming June back for myself. It was a strange thing to do but it sort of lifted me and made me feel I was taking control. The way I reationalised it was I had 'conceded' May to the 'beast without' and as a reward had asked for June in exchange.
And guess what? Bizarrely yesterday (June 1) was the least anxious/depressive day I have had for weeks! :yahoo:
I woke up with the distinct lack of the gnawing self-doubt and knotted stomach that has characertised my recent weeks and went on to have my most productive upbeat work day for ages. I felt good - and felt others around me must have seen a difference in me too. I went to bed last night with that rare thing - a smile on my face. Had I 'cracked it' with my claiming of the month I dared to ask myself?
Well, not exactly...
Today has been a bit of a disappointment after the relative high of yesterday. Although I have not hit the floor I am certainly not up in the sky as I was yesterday and I always think it is cruel when anxiety lets you 'off' for a little while and then, just as you start to believe, hits back aagin. Cruel, very cruel.:mad:
But, but, but.....importantly, I saw something yesterday.
I saw that whether it was a one-off or I had conned myself, I can have whole days that are good - something I had doubted could happen at all a few weeks ago. I had a genuinely good day - and I now want to find ways of having other good days too.
So, I am going to stay off the meds a bit longer if I can. They are still there in my draw like a lovely big comfort blanket but yesterday gave me that smidgen of hope and belief that maybe, just maybe, it is worth trying a bit longer on my own.
As I have said before I have nothing but respect for the power of Cipralex because they have helped me two/three times before. I just need to be sure I haven't exhausted the power of ME before I begin that fascinating journey again.
Thanks for reading - and good luck to everyone else in their various battles.
Back soon...
Sam (The Raven) - the man who has 'claimed' June from anxiety!!!
PS I may put this 'claiming June' thing on another thread in case it helps anyone.
My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
(June 13 - 31 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Hello again,
Sorry I have been away for 11 days but I do intend to keep coming back on here because someone/somewhere may (one day) relate to some of this and find it useful.
It may even be me in the future thinking about it!
Brief summary...
I started a diary here to record my 3rd/4th bout of talking Cipralex after anxiety/panic and depression hit me hard again after a long period of calm.
Anxiety doesn't need a reason to be your enemy but this time I had one - the break up of my marriage - and as I allowed my defences to slip in popped the DAP (depression, anxiety, panic) in all its, ahem, glory. So I popped to the doctors he gave me my 'usual' prescription and I reluctantly began the meds trail again. After just a week, however, I stopped. The side effects were worse than I recalled but I was also touched with a new and previously unseen question - i.e I kept asking myself do I really need the meds this time, could I not try and beat this horrible thing on my own?
It was the toughest of tough calls but I decided to stop the meds - while keeping the tablets close to me in case I changed my mind. I decided I wanted to give the non-meds route a real go. Could it work? Can I floor the DAP without the pills that have helped me so much in the past? Or was I just bing niave?
Well, to be honest, the jury is still out. I haven't taken the tablets again yet - something I can feel some pride in I guess - but it has been a pretty bumpy ride. Yes, I have had good periods and sometimes good days but I have had longer periods of bad stuff and the constant feeling of anxiety and the depressive thoughts are still there in abundance. Especially in the mornings (will do a separate general thread on that I think).
I am off work now for a week and I guess this will be interesting. Although work is a real source of increased panic at times I find that being at home can be equally nerve-wracking for different reasons so I will see how I cope this week without work before once again asking myself the question 'to med or not to med'.
It seems ironic coming back onto the diary this time on the 31st day since I took my first pill because in my experience Cipralex really starts to improve life after the fourth week and by now I suppose it could be making me feel better had I carried on. Have I made a mistake in not sticking with it or have I taken a bold step to try and not become dependent on a pill that has really helped me in the past? I wish I knew and I guess there is a waiting game now.
Anyway, as I have said before, I don't want my experience to influence any one's situation because just as we are all different we all react to meds differently. But I just wanted to be honest and up front with this diary and tell it like it is warts and all.
My anxiety is still there in abundance but I still have something inside me fighting the (inevitable?) meds course. While I still have that fight I will try my best to resist but who knows what the next few days will bring?
Good luck to everyone in whatever stage they are at with their medication/anxiety battles. It's a lonely old battle isn't it but at least this site proves we are not alone.
Kind regards
Sam
My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
(June 29 - 47 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Hello again,
I won't repeat all my 'story' again (it is summarised in the above entry) but in the more than two weeks since I last wrote I am afraid to say that I appear to be losing my determined battle not to use the meds to beat my ever-invasive problems with DAP (depression, anxiety and panic).
As some of you may have read I made the bold/stupid/brave/crazy decision to stop the meds I had been prescribed for this my 3rd/4th perioid of DAP because I had a roughish start in terms of side effects during week one but I also had a genuine question mark about whether or not I could beat this on my own.
'Something' nagged at me that if I stayed strong I may emerge triumphant but, sadly, that something isn't nagging as much now and I feel sort of defeated. And that in itself is making the DAP worse of course.
I have had a bit of time off since I last wrote but that hasn't helped at all to be honest and all it has meant is that I have come back to more work and I find tackling it to be really difficult. I have a horrible feeling I am letting people down workwise and I hate that.
So, yes, I am in a bad place to be honest (and blimey if I can't be honest here where can I be???) and I need to make the decision now I think to do something about it and look again at those pills in my draw.
I said in an earlier post that I had said to DAP 'you have had my May, I am claiming back June' and this lifted my spirits at the time but the truith is that as June gets ready to end I have to admit she/he/it won this month's battle as well. :emot-fail:
I just don't think I am therefore strong enough to take a non-med route anymore. I think I will have to concede defeat - an honourable one done for the right intentions I think - because I can't really take this any more.
So at this precise moment therefore it looks like I will be writing my diary of the meds again soon. Lordy, lordy.
Wish me luck friends and thanks for reading... will be back soon with an update.
Sam
Sorry you're not doing so well, Sam. Please try not to see this as a defeat. You bravely tried something and it didn't come off. Sometimes there's a strength needed to admit you need help, too. I can only wish you all the best x
Hi Sam,
I have been reading you posts with interest as my (now ex) BF also suffers with Depression/anxiety/panic and has been on 20mg Cipralex for 5 weeks now. Unfortunately he has chosen to battle this without me by his side and has returned to his parents.. his 'safe' place.
I am sure you will find the strength to see this through, you have previously and won!
In my eyes it takes a very strong person to deal with this and an even stronger one to accept they sometimes need a little helping hand, be that meds & therapy... along with a good support system of loving friends and family.
Like myself they may not fully understand your struggle, having never had to deal with it however given the chance I am sure they will come out fighting for you!
I wish you all the best and I cannot express enough how much your diaries have helped me to understand just a little what this DAP is all about.
I look forward to hearing about you feeling stronger soon.
Supporter
My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
(June 30 - 48 days since first Cipralex tablet)
First off to Jane C/The Supporter can I just say thank you so much for your very kind words above. They mean a lot and it is generous of you to offer such support. I am genuinely touched.
As for me, well I came close to (re)taking my pill again last night but didn't and I did the same thing this morning because my negative feelings are pretty overwhelming.
I have to do a bit of a 'talk' in the morning which I can't avoid so I may get that out of the way and then start the pills straight after. If I do I will take it slowly this time - 5mg every other day for a week possibly rather than plunging straight into 10mg in two days.
I just feel I need to do something because at the moment my mind is totally taking over my body. I feel totally and utterly lost and totlaly wrapped up in myself which I hate. This is a really selfish problem isn't it - it takes over your mind so much.
As for my side effects fears, the weird thing is I just looked back at a previous entry and saw the things I said were 'side effects' from retaking the Cip - decreased appetite, lack of energy, low motivation, hiding etc - are still all with me now in abundance so perhaps I blamed the pills for what was just my anxiety/depression symptoms anyway? None of those things have gone away so the side effects may have just heightned them as we know can happen.
Ah well, another non-meds day looms. A day when I put on the 'mask' to the outside world while feeling the turmoil within. But perhaps this will be the last day before I begin that meds journey again? I have tried to avoid it but I have failed.
This is a cruel cruel 'disease' isn't it friends?
Sam
My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 1 - 49 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Blimey this is confusing.
Totally unexpectedly I am probably having my best day in ages. It's ironic but I can't remember feeling this strong since the first day of the previous month.
It has not been anxiety-free (oh no, far too much to ask) but I have made myself really busy due to work circumstances and have not had much time to indulge in the self-analysis that sadly characterises my DAP (depresion, anger and panic) when I let it.
I have often said to myself that 'laziness is the food that feeds my DAP' because when I do nothing (and that is usually because I just don't have the energy to do anything) I feel much worse.
Today I made myself so busy that DAP hasn't had a look in.
I am aware, however, that anxiety and its friends are cruel deceivers. I have had good (ish) days before in my non-med state and just when I started to think 'maybe...just maybe' the DAP has come back twice as hard. Therefore at this moment I am not going to take my pill again today which seemed like an inevitability yesterday (and the hellish day before) and I will see what tomorrow brings. DAP could be ready to put the boot in again come tomorrow but hey, I will take this day of relatively low anxiety.
So I 'won' the first day of June and I am winning the first day of July as well. Go on July 2 - what have you got in store?
Kind regards
Sam
PS I may put up that 'laziness is the food.... thing' on a separate thread in case it triggers with anyone else.
My 'Taking/Not Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 2 - 50 days since first Cipralex tablet)
And.....we are back down again.
As you can see in the above post I had a good day yesterday where I was busy and buzzing. Secretly you ask yourself those five key words againb 'is THIS the turning point?' but as I said in my entry above I know that anxiety likes to play mind games with you and it can never, ever be trusted. It lets you have a good day and then - wham.
Today started off well enough and I thought 'I'm alright...I'm coping' but this afternoon has arrived and I have a mountain to do and I just can't face doing any of it. It all just looks beyond me and that 'laziness is the food for anxiety' I wrote about is coming home to roost again. The more I avoid doing what I need to do the more anxious I am feeling.
Blimey this sucks.
Tablet time? I just don't know....
Thanks for reading my invisible cyber friends.
Regards
Sam
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 5 - 1 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Right, well the title of this section should tell you all you need to know if have have read previous posts.
Last night, after a pretty tough week, I decided that my five week (?) long experiment of not taking the prescribed meds to deal with my anxiety/depression and panic and seeing if I could just beat it on my own hadn't been a success.
I really wanted to try and do it and I have had good days and good periods but the underlining problems simply haven't shifted.
At the end of last week I had the busy, buzzing day I referred to in an earlier post and at the weekend I had a couple of very nice things happen personally but even with these strong rays of sunshine the darkness continued and I just know that fighting back in my own strength and/or wishful thinking just isn't enough at the moment.
So last night I took my first pill again - 5mg. I think when I restarted the course (which is where this diary began) I started too quickly having been told to do 5mg for a week and then 10mg. Instead I went to 10mg within a couple of days out of impatience and my body reacted in a way that made the side effects worse than I remember. For some 10mg or 20 from the off seems fine - for me it was too much too soon. So I am pacing myself this week - 5mg every other day, 5mg a day from the weekend and then 10mg at the end of the following week.
So how do I feel about it all? Well I can't pretend I am not disappointed that the feeling I had that this time I was going to beat it alone wasn't the case but at least now I feel as if I am doing something which should hopefully lift the spirits.
I am not exactly thrilled at the thought of side effects (I mean do we need any more reasons to sweat in sweltering Britain at the moment??!!) but as I know I will tell this diary time and time again side effects prove something is happening. And I do need something to happen.
Wish me well - and whatever happens I will be back to record it . Warts and all.
Thanks for reading - and good luck to everyone whatever battle they face.
Kind regards
Sam
Hi there Sam,
Been reading your posts with interest as 3 weeks ago I made the horribly difficult decision to try the meds again.
I am 36, had my first bout of bad anxiety 4 years ago, and 40mg of Citalopram really helped me.
I've been feeling ill again since August 2009, and it is definitely time to stop struggling and see if I can get some relief from the medication. My first week was 10mg, my second week 20mg and my third week 30mg. I am thinking of going back up to the 40mg this week because so far no improvement, and actually yesterday I had my worse day yet.
I'm convinced that much of the problems we face are due to an over sensitised nervous system, rather than true embedded "mental illness". When we are able to calm the nervous system down, we can begin to feel better because we get a proper rest. The medication really helps with this, and with this condition we should be glad that there IS something out there that helps. People even 20 years ago weren't so lucky, before the development of these SSRI drugs.
Anyway, that is how I justify it to myself. I just need to feel a bit better to be able to carry on with my life. Hopefully when I get back up to 40mg, in a few weeks, I will see some improvement.
Be well and take care,
Gareth
Thanks Gareth for your kind comments and I think you talk a lot of sense.
I often wonder what it must have been like for people with our sort of problems years ago before they were probably even recognised as actual problems. It must have been hellish so if we in the 21st Century do have the chance to take meds that may make us better then we should do I guess.
I really wrestled against it this time as you can see on this thread but I haven't got 'better' and if you think about it none of us would think twice about getting a crutch if we had problems with our legs so why do we try and fight an invisible illness without the 'crutch' of medication that can (and in my experience) does work?
I have only taken one small tablet so far on my new 'campaign' (I am going in very gently this time) and I know I need to reset my mind to how it was before - that these tablets are my friend not my enemy. They can and will help. I know I just have to keep believing.
Thanks again for your words Gareth - I will be back with a diary post in the next couple of days hopefully.
Sam
Sam,
Good luck with your new 'campaign' I am sure once the meds start to work then you will not regret your decision to start again.
You seem to be in the right frame of mind now to start your battle... good luck and I am sure you will soon be seeing some benefit.
Can I ask a question? after 3 weeks of 20mg Cipralex my ex partner had symptoms of what he thought was a heart attack, numb arm chest pains, struggle to breathe etc..
A quick journey to A&E later and they told him nothing was wrong.. do you think this was a panic attack? Would this be due to an increase of anxiety from his new med increase?
After 6 weeks and counting on the new dose when can he hope to feel like the DAP lifting?
Sorry for all the questions but I feel you can give me some good honest advice!
Supporter
Hi Supporter,
Thank you for your kind words. I think you (ex) partner is very lucky to have you looking out for him. You are obviously a very kind and thoughtful person and your name sums you up perfectly.
I would love to be able to help you with your questions but the truth is from my experience - and that of others I have read - every single anxiety battle is different and I would hate to second guess what your friend is going through.
I think from what I do understand the thought that he may have had a panic attack does seem likely. The drug has to get into the body to work and for some people that seems quite natural while for others it is (quite literally) a shock to the system. The important thing is he was OK - and so that maybe shows that the pills were just particularly active that day/week.
As for when he will get better well I would love to be able to help again but I am afraid that is the million dollar question for us all. Some people say they fell signs of improvement within a week or two, others a month, some much longer. All I can say with any certainty is that when I have been in this position before the Cipralex has helped me get through it and although it is no 'miracle cure' is is better than not doing anything which is what I have tried to do this time before changing back to the meds.
I truly hope your ex starts to feel better soon. And I also truly hope that he realises just what an amazingly kind person you are to still be looking out for him even though you are not currently together. Not many would I think - you are clearly a special person.
Sorry I couldn't be more help.
Kind regards
Sam
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 7 - 3 days since first Cipralex tablet)
It's probably too early (in the day and in the treatment!) to write this but a diary should be a release and as I sit here at work at 8.30am in a place where no-one (I think) has a clue what I am going through - this is the best place to 'talk' to people who truly understand.
If perchance you find this and are new to it, I am just re-starting my meds after giving them up after just a week because the side effects were getting to me and (just as importantly) I felt I wanted to try to fight back in my own strength. It was a genuine and honest attempt to fight on alone but sadly I now know this 'thing' is bigger than I can cope with on my own so it is back to the meds.
What I am doing this time is taking it slower. I was told 5mg for a week then 10mg but last time I did 5mg for just two days, got impatient went up to 10mg and my body revolted I think. So I have just done a couple of 5mg tablets so far on alternate nights and I will do this one-every-other day until the weekend when I will do the 5mg daily and then a week later go up to 10mg.
Took my second pill last night and although that isn't a big dose I already feel as though there is an impact today. I went to bed with a smile on my face for personal reasons but woke feeling very, very down again. I had some crazy notion of going to the gym before work - I recently rejoined after about eight years absence to try to help with all this - but I struggled to move out of the bed and I felt my anxiety levels were back right up. My body feels a bit weird as well at the moment too - hot and a rather loose-limbed -and I do feel quite tense and nervy. But in some ways I hope these are all side effects and not just 'normal' increased anxiety because one of my mantras is - we should welcome the side effects as they prove something is happening, and we need something to happen.
So the battle has started again. For me it is twofold - one the obvious ongoing battle against my DAP (depression, anxiety and panic) and two, the batte to keep believing in the meds when (or if) those side effects increase and I still have to cope with work, life, the universe and everything. I hope I am ready for the battle and with the help of this forum I am sure I can be.
I know because I have been here before that these tablets can and do work. I just have to keep believing.
Thanks for listening - this forum really is the invisible friend we all need at times to get things off our chest.
Kind regards
Sam
Hi Raven,
I have read all your posts and I have to tell you that I've been there too. One month ago I had my panic attack period starting all over again after one year of totall happiness. I am on and off cipralex for the last tree years and a half. I was able to be without any medicine at all for 6 months and on 2.5mg for another six. The maximum dosage I was ever been is 30mg which I am right now. The last year I was for 6 months on 20 and 5 months on 10 with two breaks of one week on 5. So last month my panic hit me again with no special reason and I went to my doctor and she raised me to 30. The improvement came too slowly and after 4 weeks I am on 30mg now I am starting to feel a little better.
The fear of having a panic and the med won't work is still here but I am waiting and hoping.
All I have to say is that we are able to live without the med. But first we have to fight the fear of living without the med. It is difficult and we have to calm first and then try to fight the battle.
Keep going Raven. We have to win this. We don't have any other choice.
Wonderful wise words Annista. Thank you so much.
It strikes me we both shared that same feeling of starting to believe the panic, anxiety etc was a thing of our past and then had to face the crushing disappointment when it reared its head again. That's why I tried the different approach of trying to get through it without meds this time but I think I may have underestimated about how big this thing is at the moment.
I love your final line - 'we have to win this. We don't have any other choice' - because you are so right. The way I see it my DAP (depression, anxiety and panic) is an unwelcome guest in my home and I must do everything I can to get it out of my house so I can start being the person I want to be again.
I wish you very success on your battle and please keep me posted with your progress. Just as you are kindly roootng for me I am doing the same for you Annista. The same goes for everyone else in this horrible situation we find ourselves.
We will win though. We had a life before anxiety - and we will have a life after it.
Kind regards
Sam
I wish all the best to you as well. It's nice to meet new people even through net that can understand exactly how you feel and to share same experiences.
We will be in touch. I can't wait the moment where both will be able to say "I am feeling fine".
It really worth a try!!
Thanks again Annitsa - and sorry for misspelling your name in my first post!
Sam,
thanks for your advice... although I know I am ultimately looking for an impossible answer! Guess I just needed a bit of reassurance that this is what happens whilst on meds.
I keep in contact with his parents and pass on messages of goodwill/support so yeah he knows I am here... even if he cant deal with it right now... a girls gotta keep trying thou:)
So your battle has commenced... sounds like you have a good strategy in place to start your medication and I am sure you also you have a strong network of loved keep rooting for you.
I have no experience in this but if I can support in any way then here I am..
I will continue to read your diary with interest and as is my way probably ask you lots of questions.. I hope this will be ok?
Hope you are having a good one today!
Supporter
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 8- 4 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Back again with a quick update.
I barely think I have started yet on my meds trail as I am only doing a 'half' course at the mo - just one 5mg every other day until the weekend to ease my body back into the regime. However, I want to record every aspect of the story in case others can relate in future.
Well, I have to say yesterday, after taking my second pill the night before, wasn't great. Usually (if anything is 'usual' about the anxious life we all lead) I struggle a bit during the day - especially in the mornings - but gradually feel some of the fog lifting so that by mid-early evening I am in a better place. Yesterday seemed to have no repsite at all and I felt anxiety up to and including going to bed. I kind of felt it eating away all the time to various degrees which was somewhat frustrating.
Of course one never knows whether that is the anxiety 'at work' or the meds and the reality is it is probably a bit of both with the emphasis on the former. I suppose if we do think of anxiety as the enemy and the pills as the 'good guys' the moment the 'anx' feels you are doing something about it, then it may well start hitting back hard as well. So it is not just your body that is reacting to the meds - it is anxiety itself getting stronger to meet the challenge.
Ah well, just a theory but I thought I would share it.
So, a roughish day yesterday and I have a pretty intense work day today too which could make life tricky as I am a bit in the spotlight. I will take a proponanol before a big meeting I face (I have them but rarely use them) to help in that direction and will see how the rest of the day goes.
Keep smiling folks - and have nice day.
Kind regards
Sam
PS Thanks for the supportive email again Supporter. Keep me posted with your ex's progress and if there is anyway I can help I will happily do so.
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 8- 4 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Off with a positive note today.:)
I was not exactly looking forward to yesterday. I was in a very long meeting where my input was very much required throughout and then in the evening I had to make a short speech (only about five minutes but nethertheless...) to about 70 odd people. Neither of these things are exactly good news in our state and as it was the panic of public speaking/public spotlight that triggered off my whole DAP several years ago these are conditions which can bring me to a state of absolute panic.
Well it all went swimmingly and for that I may well give credit to the Propranolol which I was proscribed at the same time as I had my Lexapro. When I first saw my current doctor he game me Cip/Lex for the general anxiety condition and Propranolol for the sort of situation I faced yesterday but I didn't tend to take it much.
Well, yesterday, because I knew I needed my nerves calming as I had to 'perform' I took one about 30 minutes before my meeting and I was amazed and encouraged by how calm I felt throughout. My anxiety was really kept at bay and as the day grew so did my confidence. I have another biggish meeting today as well (it is that sort of week) so I will do the same I think.
I did read up a bit on Propranolol last night and it does seem to help a lot of people in our condition - particularly those with public speaking fear/social anxiety etc - but I haven't given it much thought before now. I found one site where meds were rated by users and people really rated it highly for fighting anxiety so perhaps I should take it more seriously. Does anyone else know much about it and its effects? (I may well pop something on the Propranolol side of this forum too...)
As for today, well I took my third 5mg Cip last night and as with this time yesterday I feel a bit tense, a bit hot and a bit uncertain but that's OK. I say it is OK because it is amazing how much a 'good day' (as I had yesterday) can lift you. When you have bad day after bad day in anxiety terms (and that is how it has felt at times lately) you can start to feel that there will never be a good day so you have to celebrate it when it happens.
Here's hoping everyone here has a 'good day' today as well....
Kind regards
Sam
Sam,
lovely to read your positive post!! I'm so pleased that your meeting went well and you have had such a good day.
Dont forget to keep the thoughts of these good days close because the memory of them will enable you to get through the bad ones and remind you that there is a damn good reason why you are in this battle:)
Hope you have a good weekend too.
Supporter
alwaysanxious
12-07-10, 00:17
sam samoh my god i have just found all ur post ur diary i thought ud left and i thought my web page was stuck ive only got the diary of yours up untill you stopped taking them!!!! and then somehow i came across this tonight by accident ,, im so happy u never left at all....well its my 6th week on 10mg of cipralex, i stayed on 5mg ov them for the 1st month and boy i had a really crappy awfull scarey month with the side effects but i battled on and the 5th and 6th week i uped them well my doctor did to 10mg, ive been so much better had more good days than bad but still not out the woods yet but god so much better,,, i do have my days ov agitation not hungry very much in the past 6 weeks and have lots weight but as u see ive posted lots of other things... Anyway im so glad ur still here pm me ......
take care always anxious x
alwaysanxious
12-07-10, 00:32
im so glad ur back on meds flippin eck sam look how scared i was and sad when u stopped themlast time.. im just so shocked all the time ive been on this website and ive finaly just worked out how to use it properly lol ive lost so many posts ... anyway its all sorted now so as i was saying if i can do it you can 2 stick with it it will be worth it,, and flippin write me im well chuffed your still here in a kind ov weird way not happy ur suffering tho:ohmy: im here and shall be watching ur posts
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 13 - 9 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Those of you who know your Charles Dickens (and yes, I admit that is a weird start to a diary entry) will know that in A Tale of Two Cities there is line that says ‘it was the best of times, it was the worst of times’.
Well, welcome to my life on my Cip journey!
The best of times is that having seen my marriage end (not acromoniously but it is still obviously sad) at the start of last year I have now (unexpectedly) found a lovely new partner and although it is all very new and early days we are at the start of what could be an amazing journey because we click so much. And yet despite that wonderful personal news my anxiety, depression and panic are as strong as they have ever been and so at exactly the time I want to at my best I often feel at my worse.
Take the weekend. I saw my new partner on Saturday afternoon and it was lovely. I even told her about the situation I am in (I hadn’t wanted to put her off before and had done my best to ‘hide’!) and she was very supportive which helped enormously but sandwiched around the time I spent with her my anxiety levels were really high. I am now taking the 5mg every day (this is only the third day of that) which is barely a full dose but it is already having an impact I think as I can feel the side effect of increased anxiety coming through as well as restlessness, sweating etc.
I really want to make this relationship work so I now have an even bigger reason to beat this anxiety (and we need reasons otherwise we can fall into utter despair) but I am worried a that at the time I want to be the happy-go-lucky new partner I want to be, I could be faced with dealing with the side effects we know we have to face as Cipralex gets into our body to do its stuff. As I say ‘it was the best of times, it was the worst of times’.
Generally the pattern of the way I am feeling now I am back (tentatively) on the tablets seems familiar. The mornings are undoubtedly the worst part of the day and the tension I feel now as I write this (it is 8.45) is pretty powerful. (Hopefully) this will subside as the day goes on but to be honest this is how I was feeling before I restarted the tablets so it all seems familiar to me. There are times I feel as though I am just not coping at all very well but I am determined to stay positive and beat this thing.
Depression, anxiety and panic are just unwelcome guests at our life’s party. And like all unwelcome guests they will go eventually. I hope and pray you all have a good day at dealing with your unwelcome guests today….
Sam
PS I am soooooo glad to hear from you alwasyanxious and so pleased to see you in a positive mode. Well done for having the courage to keep going with the tablets when you were so scared of them initially and I am delighted you are seeing good signs. I have seen you encouraging others and feel really proud that you have gone for it. Keep it up!
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 14 - 10 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Not a bad day at all today and the reason may be (I think) to do with the beta blocker Propranolol I was given at the same time as my Cipralex.
The doctor first proscribed these when I went to see him to deal with public speaking anxiety but I just saw them as an occassoinal 'side dish' with the main course to tackle my anxiety/panic/depression being my Cipralex.
Well, after being somewhat nervous about a big meeting last week( see earlier post) I took a Propranolol because I didn't know what else to do and then had a pretty good session. So I took another one yesterday morning when my anxiety was at its peak (11amish?) and felt a definite lift for the rest of the day. And this morning (having taken my Cipralex last thing at night) I took another one (40mg) at 9am and although still a little bit 'wobbly' I have gone on to have a more than decent day.
So is this combination possibly working for me? Is the Cipralex doing the long term good (still only 5mg mind) while the Propranolol takes the edge off during the day? It's a nice thought because although I have every faith in the Cip, coping with its side effects isn't nearly so much fun and if the beta blockers can keep me calm while i go through it then that may give me the strength to fight through.
I dunno, maybe it is just my imagination but I have seen defined improvements when taking the Propranolol this week and felt more confident so I will try and do this '1-2' combination a bit longer.
Anyone else found the combintion of our tablets and beta blockers has worked for them?
Hope everyone is well...
Kind regards
Sam
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 19 - 15 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Morning everyone,
I hope everyone is feeling OK today. I think Mondays (for those of us at work especially) can be particularly difficult as any respite at the weekend is over and you have to face people and situations you can take flight from when you are off. So to all of those with that dreaded 'Monday feeling' I send you my very best.
Personally I can look back on a weekend with its up and downs but, crucially, far more ups and I am really trying to concentrate on that.
I think one of the many cruel things anxiety does is to rob you of your confidence and your belief and so when you are having a 'good period' anxiety sits on your shoulder and gently nags you 'your not feeling that good, 'it's only temporary' 'I will be back full on in a minute; etc etc. The key is to try and fight back when that self-talk hits and I have really tried to do that this weekend.
So, on the plus side, I have had good periods of feeling anxiety-free and I thank God for that (I am one of those annoying born again Christian types!), the fact that I have a new partner I mentioned earlier (who has given me focus, direction and a sense of hope) and the meds themselves. With me, the problems I always face are a heady mixture of anxiety, depression and panic and it was the depression that was worrying me most in recent months as it seemed stronger than ever. My marriage ended (which of course not all my fellow Christians understand sadly), I lost my mother last year and my work seemed to be rather overwhelming which left me feeling without any hope for the future. This depresion/hoplessness opened the door to both anxiety and panic again and suddenty I had the triple whammy and I felt as low as ever. And it was that depression that was my greatest fear......
Well, now I have my new, lovely friend that has given a real sense of purpose and because I want to beat this thing for her as much as for myself it encouraged me to start taking the meds again and things seem to be moving. As I said in my last entry I used propoanonal to help calm me at the tail end of last week and that combination with the meds really did well for me but I didn't take them at the weekend and just stuck with my 5mg of Cipralex as a test. Yes, there were times of feeling down, anxious etc etc but I really tried to combat it. And, to provide extra help. I have re-started going to the gym for the first time in about 8 years and that helped me as well at the weekend because when I was feeling at the lowest on Saturday I went to the gym and I found that putting your body through pain takes away what your mind is up to. It is a real boost.
So, a positive note today hopefully which I hope encourages some of you. Anxiety has been chipping away at me all weekend but I think I had the upper hand most of the time and so I am still staying on the very modest 5mg dose until I feel I need to go up to 10. I know there will be times I come here when things aren't so great so I think it is important that when we do have progress we record it to boost each other.
My over-riding wish is that everyone else reading this can have a good day too and can have moments when the anxiety is sitting on our shoudlers nagging and we just turn around and tell it to 'back off, this is MY time'.
Have a good day.
Sam (The Raven)
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 20 - 16 days since first Cipralex tablet)
....jjust a quick note to say things still seem to be going pretty well and my anxiety levels, compared to even just a week ago, seem remarkably low. I almost feel suspicious of this because I know anxiety to be 'The Great Deceiver' but I can't pretend I haven't found the last few days highly-encouraging. Not anxiety-free of course but perhaps, just perhaps, anxiety-controlled. And that seemed impossible even seven days ago.
One thing - I am on a ridiculously low dose of 5mg when I was proscribed 10. Should I stay at 5 and see if I can just cope with that amount or should I go for broke and hit the 10 and try to really up the ante against anxiety. At the moment I feel 5mg might be enough - but who knows how long this can continue?
Thoughts welcome - and thank you for reading.
Sam
alwaysanxious
21-07-10, 11:32
hi sam well i stayed on 5 mg for a month, then i went on to 10mg when i ordered my second month meds. i was scared to go up but i thought stuff it ive done 5 for a month so there well in my system and took 10 thought i would have more highened anxiety and side effects but you know what it never done anything like that just made me feel better more and more. and as you know from the start i was a flippin nightmare about being scared to even start them, so here i am today feeling good . i still get anxious but very very low and thats because ive got to move home in 3 weeks but im coping, so my advice would be what you got to lose ????? nothing 10 mg is the theraputic dose and it does even better than 5mg so be brave like me sam you can do it just like you told me :winks:
So you recommend cipralex I was on em for years (and drinkin) then stupidly stopped em went back on then stopped tried allsorts since even clonazepam on and off wondering if I should ask shrink to stop the mirtazapine and try the cipralex again? whats your oponion? thanks.
Think I should go back on Cipralex Raven? owts gotta be better than mirtazapine and clonazepam
Hi Micko,
It is hard for me to judge meds v meds as I have only ever been on Cipralex. All I know is that it has never failed to help me and 'rescue' me and even though I was reluctant to re-start it again this time (the subject of much of this diary) that was not because I doubted the power of the tablets but because I exaggerated my belief that I could beat this on my own.
Micko, Cipralex seems to have helped you in the past and I would love to think it can help you again. I can't thank it enough for what it has done for me over the years but we are all different and you had better check with your dox. I do think it should be a serious optrion for you though based on your history.
Kind regards
Sam
the Mirtazapine at night does nothing just helps me sleep then in the morning take a clonazepam takes the edge off slightly just been to the hospital and there's nowt more they can do apart from physio which Ive stopped going cos of anxiety seeing another shrink next week so she's gonna have to change my meds crawling the walls wonder if I should give cipralex another try and stick on em' instead of stop/starting the amitriptyline was for the pain in in my damaged hands weaned off that now as I did with clonazepam (on it for months) now shrink reluctantly put me back on it! tried CBT but did'nt work for me and a phychotherapist Im so bloody desperate and used to paint/decorate, play guitar, roll fags now disabled does'nt help! just need something to get me stabilised and help me along if I go back on cipralex wont need to wean off mirtazapine just swop over I think? can't carry on with meds that are'nt doin' sod all! what do you think what's your opinion pal? thanks
Sam I can't begin to thank you enough for posting your diary. I am currently on day 5 of ciprolex. (round 2 - tried it last year, couldn't get through the first month) I started for 2 days at 10mg and thought that I was truly coming unglued. The doc cut me back to 5mg & I still am feeling awful. I was at the same cross roads you met, wondering if maybe I should just scrap the whole idea, and go back to "white Knuckling" it through the anxiety - again. Your journal has given me the strength to persevere! I have never visited a forum before, but reading all of these posts from other people is more comforting and reassuring than I could have imagined. Having doctors tell me all this is normal & get through it is not helpful, as I am pretty confidant that he has never been where I am and has no idea what it feels like. Hearing stories from other people who really honestly know where I am is a god send. Thank you so much, and thanks to all who have responded, you have really given me the courage to continue. :bighug1:
Hi Micko and Marla,
Thanks for your postings on this thread.
Micko, it does sound like you are having a tough old time and if you do have memorties of Cipralex getting you through, then hold to those memories and see if you should switch. It strikes me the present combination isn't helping you and sometimes switching is better than sticking with something you have lost confidence in. Keep us posted.
And thank you Marla for your comments - they are so encouraging. Doing a diary like this is a form of 'therapy' in itself but the real aim is the hope that others may benefit too because I know when I first started that I was desperate to find out what to expect and so that is why I decided to do something here.
Good luck with your Cipralex course Marla and do let us know how you get on. We all have different journeys and different experiences but every story is like a big part of the jigsaw and one day the jigsaw will be complete and we will all be better. Ah well, one can but dream...
Kind regards
Sam
Thanks the clonazepam does'nt seem to be doing that much second time around! I have changed my soc worker cos clashed and I am seeing another "top" phsyciatrist next TUES dont know if I can cope till then suicidal thoughts gettin worse! surely she wont keep me on something that's doing nothing for me at all what's the point I am going to ask to go back on cipralex but they take a while to kick in but I know I'll have to stick on em could do with sumat stronger than 0.5mg of clonazepam to help me along it's a vicious circle! I am virtually housebound at partner's now really strugglin pal are you still doin' ok on cipralex side-effects scare me too I'm anxious here at girlfriend's what the hell would I be like back in the mental hospital please help me and let me know what you think I should do pal?
Do you ever start to feel that Cipralex (or any other med) is giving you a justification to have an attack? That is how I feel today. I have never ever had anxiety attacks in the morning, I usually had the worst times in late afternoon early evening. One of the side effects I experienced that led to my dosage being cut, was that I would wake up in an anxiety attack. That is one of the reasons that led me to searching on line for more info, and to see if other people had symptoms like mine. Now that I am on the 5mg, I feel like I am in limbo! I mean sure, I feel better, but only better than I did on 10mg, which really isn't too hard to beat:) I was climbing the walls and so nauseated I couldn't get out of bed. But the little monster of anxiety has found a new cycle - now I wake up afraid that I will have an attack, so I spend the first hour of my day fixated on how I am feeling. Any one who rides this roller coaster with me know exactly where that is going!! I talk myself right into it! I no longer think it is the drug that is getting me going, it is ME! This realization has helped me to face this day without my morning ativan tablet. My script for those lovely little pills of sanity is nearing the end, I will see the doc this week, and I am going to go back to the 10mg. Bite the bullet so to speak. I don't think this "in between" land is helping a whole lot. Now if I can only maintain this new found bravery.....
I also plan to spend my day busy. It is very hot here right now, 10:30am and 32 degrees already. Normally I love the summer, but this lovely med has started turning me vampire I think. Can't stand the heat at all right now. Thank God for air conditioning, I shall find some mundane chores to occupy my mind.
What day are you at now Sam? How is the battle? It sure sounds like you are winning:)
Micko, I know exactly the struggle you face - not knowing which path to take. Meds are making me feel worse not better. Is it better to continue forward, but what if it never gets better and I waste another week before inevitably switching anyway? I think when doctors talk of these "weeks" of waiting, they are totally not aware that the people suffering are feeling each and every minute of these weeks, and so it is a whole lot longer for us. I myself am holding on to Sam's wise words - I was on this drug last year. I didn't ever feel this nasty on them, but I did indeed get to a point where I felt a whole lot better. That is what I am choosing to concentrate on every day until I get there again.
Thank you all for being on this site!
My 'Taking The Meds' Diary
(July 27 - 23 days since first Cipralex tablet)
Been a week since I updated this for which I apologise but the truth is we do have a tendency (in my experience) to write less if:
a) we are doing so bad we just can't raise the energy or effort or
b) we are doing so much better we almost feel guilty or suspicious...
Well I am pleased to say that I am very much in the 'b' category.
I have had my best week since my DAP (depression, anxiety and panic) reappeared in my life and although I am almost nervous to say this because anxiety has a habit of hitting back twice as hard when you are starting to feel more optimistic, I can't deny this has been a really positive, controlled period.
As I said before I don't think we can ignore external factors. Many of you are lucky enough to have very supportive husbands/wives.partners but as I entered this latest bout of DAP I didn't have any of that. I amicably separated from my wife last year and so it meant I faced this horrible battle horribly alone. And that, I know, made it worse.
Well, as mentioned on a previous diary entry, I have now (unexpectedly) found a wonderful new partner who has bought life, laughter and love into my world and I now wake up with a smile on my face to counteract the anxious feelings that usually wake with me. I just cannot underestimate the difference this has made in my own battle.:hugs:
But, crucially, it isn't a case of 'all you need is love'. After all many of you have it already and are still suffering. No, it is because suddenlty I had someone to live and love for that I decided I must beat this thing - I wanted her to see my at my very best and my best is not the person that anxiety, depression and panic makes me. So in a desire to be right for her as well as for me I began taking my tablets again which means I am now (hopefully) on the road to a real recovery.
I have stayed at the lowest possible Cipralex dose 5mg and may well do so as I think it is having an effect. The side effects are very copeable - yes I have a lot of night time sweats etc - but I have got past the heightened anxiety phase I think and I am taking it all very steadily and dojng my best to not get complacent. I am also waking better. Marla said how she wakes in a panic attack in her note above and my mornings were frankly awful. I had to set my alrm for nearly 90 minutes before I got out of bed because I simply couldn't get out of the 'pit' as I felt chained to the security of my bed but I am now waking in a calmer mood and the day is developing in a calmer way too with the occassional (understandable) blip.
So, yes I can't deny I have had a good week. It sounds daft to be feeling guilty about this - I should be triumphant - but as I re-read some of my posts from very, very recently I know that I can't trust anxiety and so I must always be on my guard against its sudden and potentially crushing reappearance.
And to all those single people out there - as I was when I started this - it may be worth taking the plunge to try to be 'unsingle'!!! I thought 'I am so messed up at the mo I can't even think about starting a relationship' but the relationship has been the key to helping me be 'un-messed up' if that makes sense. Love is a wonderful thing!:)
Have a good day my friends...
Kind regards
Sam (The Raven)
Anyone taking both clonazepam and buspirone together for anxiety even for short-term? Im on Mirtazapine as well may as well be on smarties!
Sam - you're the man!!!! It is so bloody great to hear someone sing happy tales whilst taking this drug! Love is wonderful, and it is fantastic that you have found it. It is comforting to hear that you are still at a 5mg dosage and feeling good. If I don't brave the increase, maybe there is still hope for me yet. It is great that you are feeling well enough that you don't feel compulsed to write everyday. I really would like to thank you once again for posting your journey on this forum. I can't begin to tell you how much it has helped me in this last week, when I really needed help and hope the most.
Cheers,
Marla
Do you mean cipralex Marla?
Hi Micko,
Yes, I was referring to cipralex. Sounds to me like it is really helping our friend Sam, and that is encouraging enough for me that I am just now starting my second week on it. I must say that each day still has more challenges than not, but I dare say either 1) I might actually feel better than I did yesterday or 2) this site and all these great people have put me into a much healthier and more positive place in my mind. I think it is both. Big deep breaths, right?:)
alwaysanxious
27-07-10, 22:51
hi sam its lisa im glad to see at last your feeling better, this is my 2nd month on cipralex and i had a really good week last week a feeling of normality ,but like you said its 2 good to be true sun monday and today have been just like the 1st time i started them remeber????? panic and anxiety hit me hard and knocked me off my feet again god did it and has it upset me .very much so i cryed through my whole therapy session today and screamed at my therapist i dont want this anymore i dont want to feel like this anymore it was pure desperation and fear that today i lost control in the session.... tonight i am more calmer but the horrible 2 faced devious slimey ghost of anxiety is there poking me in the head sniggering at me telling me haunting me and letting me know its still here, you wont shine and be happy for too long lisa i wont you!!!!! its like its possesing me and makes me feel bad when i start to feel good, well enoughs enough , im not letting anymore i know i have to move home in 3 weeks and its waiting to get me again with the stress of it. but u know what im prepared for it and i choose to accept it in my life at that time when it will come as i will only choose to accept it from here on, im not scared anymore for today when i lost it with myself at the therapist session i gained strength from that... i thought if i am doing this to myself then i choose to stop doing it to myself ,, although this will take practice,, the blips have scared me but im still here and im fine tonight, so when anxiety rears its ugly head tonight and wakes me from my sleep with server adrenalin i will say hello but do u mind im trying to sleep!!!!!! Sam im happy 4 u and 4 love because it does help you feel complete even if we have to share it with the goosberry(anxiety) eventually it will get pushed out and u wont even notice it has gone ...take care my friend
lisa x
Are you taking cipralex too Lisa? what have you been on in the past?
alwaysanxious
28-07-10, 18:55
hi miko ive been on cipralex for 2 months now 10mg..... but i will tell you all in 2003 i had a full blown nervous breakdown and was on 10mg of cipralex then and they did me the world of good they were a life saver as far as im concerned there the best ssris on the market>>>> ive only had to go back on them for the past 2 months as ive had a year and a half stress lots of bad stuff but i am back on the road to recovery ... so to all those on cipralex stick with um they are brilliant i wouldnt have anythink different.... i just hate my blip days but im moving house so thats why im a little panicky again thats all... take care miko.x
Thanks AA I'm on mirtazapine at night help me sleep but in the morning shaking, dry mouth etc so I take a clonazepam and a buspirone to relieve it wanna dump the mirtazapine and give cipralex another chance must have that many meds inside me just hope my shrink agrees I think I could just swop over from one to the other ? good luck x
You seem to be doin' ok on the cipralex Sam, am I right? well done
Hey Raven! It's been a long time since my last post and I wanted to tell you my news. I've just finished my second month on cipralex 30mg and I have to admit that during the 2nd month I saw big improvement. Better sleep, better eating and much more better mood. Yesterday I visited my schrink to inform her about how I was doing and she was very pleased with my improvement. She told me whenever I am ready I can reduse my dosage to 20mg but when yesterday I was ready to do it today I felt anxious that it might come back again so I won't try it for now. How you've been doing for the last month? Do you feel any better?
I thought 20mg was the max for cipralex?
if you don't face any side effects you can have it even 40mg!I took them under my doctors order
alwaysanxious
08-08-10, 20:40
hello miko and annista ive been following sam from day 1 when he 1st started abd i did also the same time but sam stopped for a couple of weeks then started again of which im glad he has ,he must be feeling better and romancing as we havent herd from him in a while, its been over a nweek scince ive been on nmp to as im feeling back to normal now but do like to come on to help others,, its my 3rd month on cipralex and its doing me good im on 10mg but also miko i heard the highest dosage is only 20mg,,, i wouldnt go any higher than that,, i will continue my meds for 2 years as way in the past i was on them that long b4 and i weaned myself off them with no problem,apart fom little electric shock feelings but its cope-able and not scarey.. annista they say its best to be on ur meds for at least 6 months as so u dont have a relaps,, so thats my advice but its up to u think about it,, its all well and good feeling better but u dont just want to stop them so soon???? give them at least 6 months then ask ur doctor to wean u off them .. i cant thank cipralex enough they are brilliant they had a good medical right up and like most ssris the first month is the worst with side effects ... im glad sam is feeling better i know i am cos im in the middle of a house move and im coping very well with the stress... but i still get PMT it hasnt helped with that much lol.... take care both
lisa xxx
Thanks but scared stiff anxiety worsening daily that's before i even start back on tom and i won't have owt else cos finishing clonaz just last week on mirtazapine 15mg along with 5mg of cip for that week then next coupla weeks up to 10mg of cip just hope they kick in soon cant function at all climbing the walls don't want to be worse with the cip
Lisa I won't get off the med now. Absolutely not! I don't want to feel the same ever again. My doctor said that I can reduce the dosage from 30 to 20mg. Thanks for you interest I hope you feel better !
Are you ok to stay on em' forever Annitsa? did GP say it was ok? have they helped with all aspects, anxiety, depression, agaraphobia, irrational thoughts, worry, fear etc etc
micko the negative thinking is still there but you manage to get through with it! For me cipralex made a huge difference. Firstly reduces the symptoms of panck. So when you are calm you can think more clear. No I don't want to be the rest of my life on meds. I want to get off them but when I feel ready. And for now I don't feel ready!!
alwaysanxious
11-08-10, 23:03
good 4 u both im watching both your posts on this you both will be fine ,micko hang in there hunny ur already coping with what your going thru be patient from 1 med to the other i promise it will be worth it,,, ive had a week of good days again apart from getting really peed of at my partner i get angry now without suffering the panic attack after so thats good oooo really good i can say my piece when im mad now..... so im stronger in mind too.. speak to you both soon and take good care
luv lis x
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