my mother makes me CRAZY!!!

[bananas13]

i'm a college student who moved home for a year and a half to get therapy for my depression and anxiety. i'm a thousand times better now and in August i'm moving into an apartment in another city to finish school. problem is, i dont know if i can wait that long...

i found that the best way to cope with my anxiety is to surround myself with positive, understanding people and i've learned to remove myself from anxiety-provoking situations. well, my mother is not making this easy.

she's one of those people who is always looking to pick a fight and cause drama because it makes her feel in control (she's been unemployed her whole life and relies completely on my dad; she stays home all day and always has an excuse for everything; she has severe anxiety and depression as well but refuses to get help because she claims shes "tried everything").

here's an example: my dad works for a cookware catalog (Chefs Catalog) and he's really into cooking. whenever my siblings and i compliment my dad's food, she's get upset and will be like "oh, so my food isnt good then?? well i'll just never cook again!!"

she's so irrational and dramatic.

ANYWAY. she's always nagging nagging NAGGING me!! when i do the things she's nagging me to do, there's ALWAYS something else! it never stops!! i wish she realized she doesn't have to nag at me for me to get things done, she just has to ask! the more she nags, the more i remove myself from her and the angrier she gets. i can't take it anymore!! its so hard to remain calm while im living here!!

i would move out today if i could, but here's the thing: my dad is paying for my college, rent, car payments, as well as my cellphone bill. i've been in school full time and my job doesnt make nearly enough money to pay for those things, so i'm relying on him so i can't leave this house until my lease goes into effect in August. i would get another job, but nobody wants to hire a student for just the summer (especially in this economy).

i cant get away from her!! if i leave, she calls me and says "come home, if you're living here you have to help me!!" i DO help her! i clean up after myself, i do dishes, i do laundry, i do yard work... she just wants to bitch and nag because she's dramatic!

my anxiety is getting out of control... idk what to do!! is anyone is a similar situation??? how can i deal with her for 3 more months???

[guitarpants]

I completely understand. I've been in a much similar situation for a very long time. Honestly there's not a whole lot you can do except ignore her and get out when you can. There are a lot of people that are this way. They feel like failures in their own lives so they project that onto other people. I can understand how hard it is to deal with the anger that you must feel. Just recently I had enough of my dad and I've decided to stop talking to him. I'm also very angry at my mom still for the way I had to grow up. One of my ex girlfriends had a mother like you describe too, and I hated her.

What part of the states are you in?

[bananas13]

im from colorado. its nice to hear im not the only one dealing with this. its just frustrating. shes always making me feel guilty about buying something i enjoy. i'm responsible with my money, but even if i wasnt it's none of her business!

i own a portrait/wedding photography business and ive spent every penny of my money on camera equipment and advertisements for the past 6 months. BUT, heaven forbid i go out for drinks with my friends once every two weeks! or buy a latte from starbucks, or go to dinner with my boyfriend. she'll be like "stop wasting your money on food and junk!!"

i dont know any other 20-year-old who owns a business... i work my ass off and if i want to spend my extra money on things i enjoy, is that so terrible? tell me if im being irrational. i need the little things to keep me sane!!

also, i have a pet bunny that lives in a cage in my room. my mother is convinced that he's "neglected and suffering". im a very neat, organized person and i do NOT neglect my rabbit! she makes me feel awful, saying things like "he hates that cage. he's gonna die." i used to clean his cage once a week, until my mother decided to start cleaning it once every 2 days just to make ME feel guilty about it! that is such a waste of rabbit bedding, which i pay for!!! its like she just WANTS to make me crazy!

sorry, i guess i just really needed to vent about it... it helps get things off my chest.

[Freak myself out]

Get out! Find a way. Just because she's a blood relative doesn't give her the right to overpower you. Would you tolerate that from a boyfriend/girlfriend? You have to find a way that is made for you not her. It could cost you your life if you dont break away and build your own independence. No-one needs that.

[lior]

Hello
So so so many people have controlling mothers. What you are describing is perfectly normal. My brothers and I have been going through pretty much the same thing. You just have to learn how to deal with it. Moving away is not the answer. It can help in the short term, but it doesn't solve the core problems. Your mum has issues, and you can help her to resolve them. I know you're going through stuff yourself, but if you can find the strength, you can do what I did:

Even though I was depressed and suicidal at one point, I made sure to not get emotionally involved when my mum nagged me or complained I wasn't helping, or going out too much and abandoning her. I made a real effort to understand her position. She is also trapped at home, not being able to work because she's bringing up my brother. Recently she's broken her leg too so it's even worse because she can't physically move much.

I have taken the upper hand. Whatever she says, I try to view it from a psychoanalyst's perspective. I ask myself, why is she over reacting? Why is she responding like this? I don't tell her about it. I respond in a way that will make her calm.

It goes wrong if I lose control and let her get to me. If I shout back at her, things can spiral and we might end up not talking, which is worse.

You love your mum, and you have a lot in common. You've been through your lives together. You understand each other much better than outsiders do. Your writing shows that. You have the power to help your mum, and she will help you in return.

You have to explain to her, in an adult way (which you will have no trouble doing - you're obviously very mature, starting your own business and everything! Well done!) - you have to explain to her how she is acting. Next time she behaves badly, make a clear mental note of both what you and her have said. Once she's calm, either in the evening or the next day, tell her what she's said, and explain how that has made you angry/irritated/etc. Stay very calm and ask her to try and do the same. Try as hard as you can to make it a conversation, rather than an attack.

You can't run away from a relationship with your mother. You have to try and make it work. Overcoming problems just makes relationships stronger. If she isn't being the mature one, you can be. Just don't tell her she's being immature!! That will make her angry.

Now here are a couple of other specific things you can do:
Make sure you compliment her on her food - it's not about you liking it, it's about keeping her happy.
Keep a record of all the chores you have done in the week, and show it to her. Tell her you know it's not as much as she does, but that you have contributed. Tell her you appreciate how clean she keeps the house, and how nice it is to live in a clean place.

I'm 20 too, and I had to move out before I could get this perspective. People like our mothers are very frustrating - but you will have a more rewarding relationship if you try to behave better than her. (Just don't tell her that - you have to make her feel good about herself.)

Best of luck. What I'm telling you has worked wonders for me. I hope you can make it work for you!
Lior

[lior]

PS I worked this out last year, and survived a 4 month summer with it, so it does work. Once she sees you making the effort, she will do as well. Your relationship will improve and you will both relax a bit more about it. It will get easier and easier.

[Going home]

Things will be better when you move out and you don't have that long to wait. A couple of things though...firstly, i'm surprised that nobody will take on a student just for the summer, I always thought that traditionally summer jobs were for the students even with the economy the way it is, and secondly..although the way you describe your mother's attitude makes her sound way over the top she probably questions what you spend your money on because your parents are paying for everything else.

Try not to always think of her as a seperate person from your father, she's a stay at home wife and mother just like alot of moms out there and she's your dad's wife so they are in it together and have been since before you were born. Whatever money comes into and goes out of the house isn't just your dad's money, its a joint income and she has as much say in where it goes as anyone. Also, try to have a bit more understanding of her anxiety and depression...after all, you know what that feels like and how it can change a person. This could be the reason she's not worked outside of the home for so long. People cope with and recover from mental illness at different paces and you've done really well to recover from yours, but we're not all the same.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh and you're entitled to your feelings about your mom, but as a mother of a 22 yr old girl, the youngest of 3 i'm well aware of young people's anger at one parent or the other, i'd say cut your mom some slack and try and see it from her side sometimes if you can.

I hope your recovery continues, as i'm sure it will once you're in your own place and paying your own way in life

Anna :)

[hallam11]

Hello,

Firstly I would say well done. You own your own business and work hard even though you have had to overcome som problems of your own. Thats an extremely big feat!

I am sorry that you do not have a good relationship with your mum because that in itself is really tough. I do agree with Lior on most points however I do stress that everything you can do to help a situation is sometimes not enough and I really would hate to see you suffer because of this. There is things that you can do, lior makes really good points about speaking with your mum calmly and trying to get her to help herself. Having said this, I know just how hard it can be with annoying mums and sometimes no matter what you do if the other person isn't willing to change then there's not much you will be able to do. I wouldn't necessarily run away but I do believe that living with people when you are an adult and can see logic and reason is particularly difficult. When we are children we believe our parents, we grow up with them being the way they are but when we grow up into adults we can sometimes see that the way they work isn't healthy or right. Has your mum always been this way?

I think getting your own place so you aren't in each others pockets is a good way to go. There are times that I really can't stand my mum and want to move out but I usually calm down.Even though I really do want to move out and get my independance back and live alone I know I have to wait.

You are not selfish or a neglecter! I think your mum is projecting onto you, she does need some perspective and if she can't get it herself then I think in a firm way you could tell her. When she calls you something bad, I would calmly say that is not fair -and this is why, why are you saying this? Because sadly the more she gets at you the more you will want to move out and the more it turns into resentment and anger.

I would love to say that it can be changed and helped but I don't know that I can - and that is only because I know how obstinate and ignorant people can be. I want your mum to change for your sake and I think Lior is right in what can work. All I am saying is that sadly it doesn't work in all cases if both parties are not willing. Moving out in August will give you the space you need to be able to tackle it, whilst you are there the most you can do is to try and speak calmly and how it makes you feel when she says the things to you. By the time you move out you may find you have a better relationship with your mum.

Have you spoken to your dad about this?
xxx

[guitarpants]

I wouldn't try to "work on" your relationship with her because you are obviously not doing anything wrong. You can do whatever you want with your life and your money and most likely she is jealous of your success. It seems she's not the type of person who can be happy for other people's success because in her mind it's a reflection on her and it highlights her failures. So her aim is to drag you down to her level. Don't let it happen, get out, and an unhealthy relationship such as this one is not what you need. If she decides to wake up and come around one day, so be it, but don't waste your time and energy on her, people like this rarely change. She's just going to make you miserable and you don't need that. Once you find a significant other that you want to settle down with, she is going to try to ruin that as well. Make yourself happy and do what you want with your own life. Would you let a complete stranger treat you like this? If not, what makes it okay for a relative to? That's how I deal with my own family. I only tolerate so much BS, and when it gets ridiculous, I'm done with them for months/years at a time.

[unspoken]

Wow I know how you feel. I also have a lot of stress from my mother and she has depression and quite possibly anxiety too but she doesn't 'believe' in it so she'll never accept it. My mother is 60 years old and she won't go to the doctor because the doctor suggested she get some help for her mental illness. My mother is epileptic and she uses that as a tool to control the rest of us, "I used to be able to do this but if I do it now I'll have a fit" - she never just asks me to do something, she has to put it into emotional blackmail.

I don't really know what to suggest except don't take what she says to heart. Count down the days till you move out and in the meantime try to cope with her behaviour. It's so hard having to move back in with your parents after you've been living away from them. It sounds great that you run your own business. I agree that people are reluctant to employ students just for 1 summer these days, certainly in the UK that is the case because there is a lot involved in employing someone and there are so many people who've been made redundant and are competing for the kind of jobs students used to do.

As has been suggested above, try to avoid arguments with your mother and try to think about things from her perspective, even when it seems warped and illogical.

[Baggie]

I just need to get this off my chest as I'm feeling quite upset. I don't really have a great relationship with my mum and it's been like this for a long time now. Please believe me when I say this that I really do try. I'm a good daughter. I always have shown my mum respect, even when over the years this courtsey hasn't been returned. I have bitten my tongue many times, even had a few heated conversations with her about her behaviour but it doesn't seem to help. My dad never sticks up for me when this happens - he ALWAYS backs my mum up, probably because it makes his life a hell of a lot easier.

What's upset me is this. My mum (and dad) always seem to make me feel that I'M the one with the problem. It's been like this for years and years. My mum could start a war in an empty room as the saying goes. She can cause an atomosphere if something isn't pleasing her.I've gone over it during counselling (which I finished 18 months ago) and thought I'd got it out of my system. My husband and I have spoken about it and we reckon that it happens when my parents have their own problems, but instead turn the focus onto me to take their minds off what's going on in their own lives.

Yesterday, my mum phoned me (unusual, because it always seems to be me who has to do the phoning). After I said hello, she asked me in a detached, angry way, "how are YOU, are YOU alright?" This was because I hadn't called her over the weekend.I told her that I had just been busy. Now, I have a young family, a husband who works busy hours and I do have my own life. I should mention here that when I do phone my mum, it's usually in the evening, once I've got the kids settled and I flop on the couch! When I do phone, she'll most often cut the conversation short and tell me that Eastenders/Corrie is coming on so I'd better be going, leaving me feeling "why the hell do I bother?" (Even if I wanted to see a programme, I wouldn't be rude enough to say that to her!) Yesterday she said to me during her call that "she cannot be bothered to phone me in the evening because she loves her TV programmes so much. Isn't that terrible?". Now, some people might find this amusing and think so what, don't bother about it, but it really hurt my feelings.

I ended up feeling angry at her behaviour, almost hating her for it, then feeling incredibly guilty because of this. Does any one else have a hard time with their mum like I do?

Sorry for ranting. I just needed to get it all out!