backwards, not forwards

[KC]

I would be so grateful to have some reassurance I am not going mad - for the past year, every day has been a struggle trying to hide my anxiousness and panic episodes. I work full time and as I hate being on my own and want to be at work. I really thought things would get better over time, but this week I seem to be going back to how I felt months ago. Is this normal? My main problem is being so reliant on my husband - I feel I have become obsessed that he will leave and my brain is overrun with thoughts about him all day and night. I worry how I would cope on my own and this thought terrifies me. We have had a very stressful few years and I know this has left me feeling very insecure. How can I stop thinking about 'what if I am left alone' and just live my life without the intense worry about something that has not happened anyway? Every day I cry at work, every day I phone him several times, every day he meets me at lunch time, every day I pray for the time he picks me up after work - and then the next day it starts again. I realise I have not got over the event of a couple of years ago when he did leave for a few days - surely now so many months later I must start to trust but I just can't. Please can anyone help me find a way out of these obsessional thoughts and panic if he does not answer the phone straight away etc. I really am at the end of my tether and feel so alone with my problem. I don't think about anything else all day except who long it will be until I seem him - I feel soooo stupid. Thank you for reading this rather long post.....

[jothenurse]

You have just become very dependent on him which is common with people with anxiety. I know how this can feel. I had my boyfriend move out last november (mutual agreement) and we still continue to see each other, but just not live together. After two weeks after he left, I started getting palpitations and panic attacks. (I had panic disorder 30 years ago, I'm 56 now, so you can work through some of it). The problem now is is that I am very afraid to be myself with this anxiety. He comes over almost day - but doesn't stay over and he does work, so I have had to try to hang in there by myself. My counselor says this is good, because it makes me depend upon myself. I is very scarry. Distraction seems to help the best, and keeping busy. Because of my anxiety, I am on a medical leave from work, and that has helped in some ways, but in other ways, it's been worse because I had a very stressful job and was constantly busy. Now I'm by myself a lot and have to make myself go out and do things. The more independent you can become, the better.

[KC]

Thanks for your reply - I suppose it must be quite common and I realise how dependent I must be - just not sure why this has happened. Do you want to be content with your company? I do and just want to be able to do normal things again - go shopping for myself, sit and read alone, watch tv alone etc. My life revolves around him and me and I know I have got to detach a little from him. How do you manage at the moment with your panic?

[doktorjohn]

Hi KC
I was very co-dependent in my relationships. I was scared that I would be alone one day.
Now I've been on my own for many years I actually prefer it. Now I get anxious if someone wants to get close.
I did stay in a treatment centre for addiction before I decided to be alone. Without that I would not have known how to be alone.
Try not to beat yourself up about feeling dependent or any thing else. You are human.
Humans are vulnerable. Even the ones who look as though they are not.

dj

[jothenurse]

I do take Ativan 1 mg in the morning and 1 mg at lunch - more because I have lost so much weight and I feel gaggy all the time which puts me in a panic. So far as managing the panics, the ativan will help, but for me it's mostly distraction, trying to focus on other things, doing other things to keep my mind off of it. Also, I do try to do some breathing exercises and sometimes that helps me. Sometimes I go for a drive, because then I have to focus on my driving.

[KC]

Thanks dj - what helped you become more secure in your own self? I do hear from several friends who live alone the same thing - they would now prefer not to be with someone. I really feel my life is wasted by spending all day worrying about things which not happen!! I do take Cital but quite honestly this does not get to the root of the anxiety issues so hope to find other ways of stopping these panic attacks and anxiety. Hope you keep well

[jothenurse]

Well - I just had a big panic attack and am not sure why - felt like a hot flash, faint kind of, my heart went a little faster and I just panicked. I took my Ativan 1 mg like my Psychiarist has me on every day. I also take 1 mg at lunch, but am thinking about cutting that back to a .5. Just get too tired. I'm by myself and I am really scared. Hoping it settles down.

[doktorjohn]

Thanks dj - what helped you become more secure in your own self? I do hear from several friends who live alone the same thing - they would now prefer not to be with someone. I really feel my life is wasted by spending all day worrying about things which not happen!! I do take Cital but quite honestly this does not get to the root of the anxiety issues so hope to find other ways of stopping these panic attacks and anxiety. Hope you keep well

I think that as I got older (56 now) I realised that people were wearing me out.
So I saw less and less people until I realised I liked it that way.

Also I was bringing up my 3 kids on my own and the social life went out the window. Again though I realised I didn't care that much.

There have been times though when I felt panicky about being alone (I conveniently forgot that bit) yeah I had my share of anxiety. And now I'm anxious about the future because of the benefits system and can I work or not?

dj