Freak myself out
17-05-10, 14:47
Think of a place where several small streams flow to a junction where they combine to form a mighty river. Perhaps this best describes my anxiety.
Maybe its all genetically linked. Never got to talk to my family about this. No-one wanted to listen.
No-one believed I had hayfever when I developed all the symptoms in my younger years! Mental illness was obviously a figment of my imagination like my hayfever!
Yeah well it nearly killed me! Who knows, maybe it will one day. Maybe I'll just lose it like so many have before me.
O.k. so the anxiety needs to be grouped individually. I need to recognise each stimuli and address each chapter or episode one by one. Maybe that will work. Maybe I should start right from the beginning or should I work my way back? Am I kidding myself?
Maybe I'm just doomed. Only so many get spanked with the happy stick. What is happiness anyway? The last time I remember being euphoricly happy was when I was 6 yrs of age. Thats 31 yrs ago.
I haven't included the euphoric happiness from my substance abuse years which I categoriclly say were limited to marijuana.
So I chased the early happiness of my pre-teen years with pot when the pressures of expectation grew to much in my teens? Correct! Did I enjoy it? Too right I did but it turned on me. Life turned on me. Everything turned on me. Maybe if we didn't have to take this ruthless, thankless, mean life so seriously we may not have anxiety.
I just wanted to be a child during those years yet I was expected to be a man way too soon. This is where it all started.
Maybe its all genetically linked. Never got to talk to my family about this. No-one wanted to listen.
No-one believed I had hayfever when I developed all the symptoms in my younger years! Mental illness was obviously a figment of my imagination like my hayfever!
Yeah well it nearly killed me! Who knows, maybe it will one day. Maybe I'll just lose it like so many have before me.
O.k. so the anxiety needs to be grouped individually. I need to recognise each stimuli and address each chapter or episode one by one. Maybe that will work. Maybe I should start right from the beginning or should I work my way back? Am I kidding myself?
Maybe I'm just doomed. Only so many get spanked with the happy stick. What is happiness anyway? The last time I remember being euphoricly happy was when I was 6 yrs of age. Thats 31 yrs ago.
I haven't included the euphoric happiness from my substance abuse years which I categoriclly say were limited to marijuana.
So I chased the early happiness of my pre-teen years with pot when the pressures of expectation grew to much in my teens? Correct! Did I enjoy it? Too right I did but it turned on me. Life turned on me. Everything turned on me. Maybe if we didn't have to take this ruthless, thankless, mean life so seriously we may not have anxiety.
I just wanted to be a child during those years yet I was expected to be a man way too soon. This is where it all started.