Where did I go wrong?? Long read sorry

[chop]

ok for those who have conquered it, please let me know where you think I went wrong?

As you may have known from my initial post here, I used to have anxiety and it started 5 years ago or a bit more... I got rid of it often for brief periods then recently it all came back as bad as the past and more symptoms too.. I got more depressed and got sick of it (joined here at this point too).

I forced myself to buy a book called "from panic to power" and thought stuff this I am going to fix this! I am sick of it and cant go on anymore.

Anyway, I read it and thought this is too easy.. Just forget about the probs and do things anyway and think positive. I thought I will try it anyway and guess what it worked.. I still had some symptoms but not many and they were brief as I "accepted them" and they went away. Overall, I was running/surfing/working and doing better than I can ever remember. Everytime I almost panicked, I would breathe and accept/forget/reassure and sure enough they would go away! I was so proud of myself!!!

Then as the days went on (3 weeks or so) I found it harder and harder to sleep and I would sleep for less and less time. I tried eveything until in the last 4 days I could not sleep AT ALL. I even tried sleeping tablets (thoguht I never would) and I slept for 1.5 hours on three tabs...

Even thru this time where sleep deprivation would normally send me into panic, I remained calm and even still worked at my job (unheard of without good sleep in the past) and I was still panic free! I was still rpoud but scared why I could not sleep. I went to mates and asked " I have got rid of my anxiety, it is awesome - I am nto worried about much at all but why cant I sleep? It is driving me nutty).

I wont go into detail on what happened after this but basically I did have a panic attack and got very depressed that I thought I had fixed panic and now there are more probs and felt life was not worth living like this! The only thing depressing me was I could not sleep. I just could not understand how I went from EXTREME anxiety for years (gAD) to nothing so fast and felling great to not being able to sleep at all.

NOw was I jsut kidding myslef and hiding anxiety and it was not that easy to fix?

Did I just cover up the problem and pretend I was happy?

Did I really fix it and the sleep/depression was going to happen anyway?

I am confused about it.

I have been put back on an ssri for depression (lexapro) and a heavy sleeping tablet for bedtime (only way I can get some sleep) and it seems to be great!! BUT I am now scared what went wrong.. I am scared to go out and do it again (even tho it appeared to fix my anxiety).
I am scared to get out and do things again as maybe this made me worse even tho I felt it made me better...

Please let me know what your thoughts are on it.

I just dont understand what happened.

I felt less anxious As good as ever) and not depressed but could not sleep coinciding with all the positives.... Do I need pills? Was it just a sleep prob? Coincidence?

I feel the positive thinking and accepting symptoms worked but I am jsut person that needs sleep tabs but its all too coincidental. The Psych said I need a mood stabiliser (low dose) and lexapro and so Im on it now. Why do I need this if I beat it without drugs? Or did I really not beat it? Did I beat it and then depression set in? Why???

Do I take the drugs and start doing what I did to fix it weeks ago again or did I go wrong somewhere?

P.S. I was doing A LOT but I felt great and dont think I over did it.
P.P.S. I also in the positive time stopped drinking coke cola ( I was heavy cola drinker) but dont think that alone caused the insomnia as I weaned off it.

Scared again :( Starting all over again :(

Paul

[heavymind]

Hi Chop,
Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. From reading what you say, I think that defenitely had made atleast some progress and you really were out of anxiety for some time. But setbacks happen when the stress levels increase. In your case the stressor seems to be lack of sleep. I may not be exactly correct, but I think, you need to sort out your sleep problem and re do the exercise of coming out of anxiety all over again. Setbacks are quite common and when in the middle of one, it can feel as if its a total setback with out any hope. But reality is that just like how you came out of extreme anxiety last time, it is possible to come out of this one as well and come out of it with a lot of strength. It is definitely possible to get out of a setback and get even better than how you were.

You might require to consiously recollect what all you did the last time to come out of anxiety and try and redo them all over again. For me there are two parts
1. Getting out of anxiety or panic or derealization.
2. Keeping a healthy routine to prevet a setback as much as possible.

But it is always possible to loose the healthy routine sometimes and slip into a setback. But it certainly is possible to redo the exercise of coming out of anxiety and reestablishing a healthy routine to get out of setback and become much better.

Let me jot down what all I do to get out of anxiety and what my routines are for preventing setbacks.
1. Getting out of anxiety:-
There are various methods mentioned on this page, most effective for me is breathing exercise. It certainly works. Also positive thoughts and exercise help a lot.
2. For preventing setbacks and keeping the anxiety level low on a regular basis, I do the following
a. Go for a run daily morning and think of it as my medication, incase I feel lazy to do that.
b. Play some music daily.
c. Clean my house regularly.
d. Follow clean habits.
e. Cook my own food caretakingly and with interest and enjoy the entire process of thinking about what spices in what proportion can make a terrific combination and making the dish and enjoying the progress of making food taste more closer to expectation.
f. Try and sleep properly.
g. Never avoid situations that can cause anxiety. Just prepare for the situation and face it, rather than avoiding them. But sometimes this point itself can cause a setback, becasue when we want to not avoid, but if we lack preperation to face the situation, we can put ourself through some trouble, which can trigger a setback, but it is always possible to come out of setbacks, so no harm in experimenting.

I am not very sure, if that helped, or it was painful reading it. If it helped I would really be glad. All the very best to quick recovery. I am very sure and throughly confident that you are going to come out of the stress and do great.

Regards,

Ram

[Floozie]

Hey Paul, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling so hard but in my view that is part of the problem. You try so hard to 'get it right' by following a mantra of sorts that other things become problematical.

I cannot speak from experience as I yet to be able to cope succesfully with my problems. However, I do think that having a regimine is actually quite helpful. Not only because it makes you get up, do the chores, eat and go to bed at a regualr time but I have found that by having saturday as a day 'off' there is one day of the week I have found becoming enjoyable. I am not saying that the problems for me go away but I set no boundaries for that day and just take it as it comes. I noticed that it was a 'good' day for me so started lining up things to do and lo and behold that day started to fall apart as well.

So my advice would be to set a routine for the things which are necessary to sustain your life and surroundings. Stick to routines for bedtime eg I always play the same piece of music and at first I would hear the whole CD and more, now my body connects that with sleep and I rarely hear track 3! Do not expect too much of yourself and do let others push you further than you feel comfortable. Stretching yourself does not work but builds up more anxiety.

Sorry this is so long but I am nearly ready for bed and getting a bit rambly!! Best Wishes Floozie

[chop]

Well thank you for the reads. I know it was a long post indeed.

I put it down to relapse and a little depression. It makes you feel worse than before like a slap in the face but I have started to do the same things again that appeared to work before and they are working again.

I could not have had a relapse without first making progress and it was HUGE progress really! So its a good thing :)

Thank you again....
Paul