sexual abuse and sex

[ASH65]

i have a lovely sex life,vibrant and close and loving.but we have to negotiate round a lot of very strong fears.basically i cannot make love at night.only a few times in the last 11 yrs,and then i had to have alcohol or recreational drugs.as the night draws in i become utterley terrified sexually and the thought of having to undress for someone makes me feel like a tiny child being stripped by adults for abuse.when i was a younger man i had a lot of lovely girlfriends and feel blessed by my experiences.but my first experience sexually,on my own terms,was horrific and i literally ran around screaming trying to repress the memories of the abuse,and this reaction remains today.for me sex is like climbing a beautiful mountainside,lush meadows and clear blue sky,but at the top,the view changes to a vision of hell.i become very very phobic and have a sense of being tied and there being restriction around my neck.physically i feel pain where i was hurt as a boy.i am not sure what i can do to change any of this,but i needed to open up as i feel alone with it,apart from my lovely wifes care.
does anyone else who has experience of abuse have fears and behaviours
around sex? i think i am very lucky because my wife is so understanding and,as i said we have a vibrant sex life,but i wish i could be like everyone else and go out for a meal etc,then come home for a wee cuddle! but no,i sleep in clothes and cannot bear being naked as the night closes in,

[PoppyC]

Hi Ash
Your post makes me want to cry. Without being patronising, I think that was a very brave and open post that you wrote.It cannot have been easy.
Have you talked with a counsellor about how you feel?
I found that offloading with a stranger helped me a lot.
Never ever does a day go by without me remembering what happens, but with counselling, I can deal with it a little better.
I also found that talking about the family abuse I went through, was like lifting a massive weight off me. Strangely enough, I felt guilty, as mad as that sounds, but we have to remember we are the innocent ones, and not the ones who did wrong. All these years later and sometimes it feels like it was today that it all happened.
How I cope with the physical side of things, is to mentally tell myself all thoughts of what happened, are not allowed in the bedroom, and if a thought should get in my head, immediately that it happens, I switch off from that thought. It does help.
An ex boyfriend of mine had also been abused - by his mother - and for all of our relationship, which was 10 years, in bed, he kept his tshirt on. He said he felt vulnerable and exposed when he was naked.
You sound like you have a lovely wife and I am so glad for you that you have a wife who listens and understands you.
If you wish to pm me, then please feel free to do so.
Sending you hugs. You are not alone in how you feel.

[Danath]

Stay strong ash, you're a brave man to write so openly, and I hope you find what you're looking for.

Dan

[RLR]

It's important to realize in instances where sexual imprinting may produce repulsion that the nature of the psychic trauma is prevented from the opportunity for transformation over time because the introduction point is forever avoided.

In other words, the historical context in which the pain resides remains imminent because it exists in an arrested form by virtue of your fears and the environmental context in which they were orginally produced. The difficulty here is that the fear once having been valid, is now irrational in context because it cannot actually recur. The avoidance behaviors which serve to avoid recurrence are not actually necessary because both the vulnerability and the threat no longer exist. Also realize that the darkness actually holds no place in the conduct which caused you harm. You were also breathing air during that time as well, but it doesn't stand to reason that you can now avoid breathing it to prevent emotional recurrence. The very same holds true for the darkness. You were also inside a room when the original insult occurred, but it doesn't stand to reason that you must now retreat to the outdoors to avoid emotional recurrence. These factors, inclusive of darkness, are non-contributory. You must not separate them, but rather compile them in order to see that avoidance of the dark is as pointless now as avoiding the air you breathed or the room you occupied.

In order to cross the threshold into the realm where you feel you should now be, you must permit the opportunity for the circumstances to change. By change, I mean that the sexual intimacy that you would otherwise be sharing with your spouse or partner is only being witheld by the lack of opportunity for transformation to take place. The irrational basis for aversion must be challenged by the facts you know at hand. The circumstances which placed you in harm's way no longer exist and are forever held prisoner by the passage of time. The need to protect yourself in a latent manner has come to represent a barrier to the type of sexual life you desire and is unwarranted.

The revelation here is to understand that recurrence is impossible as a result of engaging in sexual intimacy at night and that gradual procession toward this ultimate goal is possible, ie selecting sexual activity that advances more toward the late afternoon and twilight hours with a sense of security, gradually moving to a nightime environment with lights and finally within the context of darkness. Each transition should not be strived for as a challenge to overcome, but merely within a relaxed environment with time of day being purely incidental. The object of your focus is sexual intimacy with your spouse or partner regardless of time of day, because night or day no longer constitutes a factor in your life where this is concerned.

If you find yourself experiencing visual or emotional recurrence within the context of a darkened room, then confront the issue and bring it out into the open. Do not try to suppress it. The brain is actually very adept at rekindling conflict to the level necessary to induce resolution. Don't be afraid to discuss your feelings with your spouse or partner. Diminish its influence by direct confrontation and exercise it until it no longer seems ominous.

Patience is key to permitting the transformation to occur. It's also very important not to ruminate or become apprehensive as you proceed. If you do, again simply confront the circumstances and determine whether it is warranted. If you can produce no justifiable reason to abstain, then move forward.

You'll be just fine and this is actually more common than you might realize.

Best regards,

Rutheford Rane, MD (ret.)

[Maj]

Hello Ash,
I read your post over and over again. It made me feel unbelievably sad and also very angry. From the bottom of my heart I feel for you so much. It's unbelievable how much abusers actually affect the lives of their "victims". How dare they. They will probably sleep soundly at night, clothed or unclothed, without a second thought. You have been left completely traumatised, and who wouldn't be? It says it all in the title of your post "sexual abuse and sex". They are two COMPLETELY different things. Sexual abuse is exactly that - personal abuse to someone who is left mentally scarred for life. Sex - should and is a loving act completely removed from any abuse. I don't know what else to say other than apart from your horrible nightmares and nightly fears you have turned out such a kind, caring and loving man and what happened to you should never have happened. Let the perpetrators of this evil crime be left to deal with the aftermath of their actions and to let you relax and get rid of this awful burden you carry. You don't deserve to be left carrying this with you for the rest of your life. I hope these nightly thoughts disappear in time and leave you feeling free because you so deserve it. Abusers: How dare they. Shame on them.
Myra:hugs: