pmrob1
18-05-10, 19:02
My story started in October 2006. I had recently changed jobs and because I was on a lower wage I had to adjust my maintenance payments to my ex wife. One week after changing my payments my ex wife stopped any contact with my two children. I wasn’t allowed to see them, she wouldn’t let me talk to them on the phone and if I went to the school to see them she would grab them both by the hands and drag them home.
I didn’t know how to fight her and I allowed this situation to continue for two months. Even at Christmas I wasn’t allowed to talk to them and their presents just sat at my house in a corner unwrapped.
I didn’t realise at the time how badly this affected me and slowly but surely I started to spiral into the web of depression without even realising. I began court proceedings against my ex wife to get access to the children which was eventually was resolved at the end of April 2007.
During the period of not seeing my kids my general demeanour and mood began to change and I didn’t even realise it. I would cause arguments with my new partner for no reason and would lose my temper at the slightest thing. On April 1st 2007 my partner decided she had enough and our relationship ended. I was in a total mess and decided to go see my doctor who asked me the usual questions Was I sleeping ok, had I lost weight, was I eating properly, did I feel down or moody for long periods of time? Of course I fell right into the category of being depressed. I was diagnosed as suffering from major depression. I was prescribed citalopram at 20 mg. Great I thought I will start to feel better soon. How wrong could I be? I took the medicine on the first night and about 3 to 4 hours later I was in a complete state. All I could think about was killing myself and ending all the pain. Even the thought that I would see the children again didn’t help. I called my friend who came to help and he took me to my doctors as soon as it opened. My doctor rang the local hospital and the crisis team did a full assessment of me and came up with a plan. First they changed the medication to 30mg mirtazapine and then there were follow ups by the crisis team and my doctor.
The mirtazapine managed to turn me into a zombie like state and I wandered through every day life as if my head was wrapped up in cotton wool. During this time all I seemed to be fixated on was getting my partner back into my life to the extent that it took over my every thought and waking moment.
At the end of April 2007 I eventually got access to the children again and was allowed over night access once a month with them staying for tea twice a week. You would think that this would have helped in my recovery but no I was still obsessed with getting my ex partner back. I still felt really down and couldn’t cope with the mirtazapine making me zombie like during the day. So at the end of June 2007 I went back to the doctors and asked to change my medication. He recommended citalopram again. I told him what had happened previously and that I was sh*t scared of what happened last time I took them. He prescribed it at 10mg and got me onto them gently but not before my sleeping patterns was completely trashed. I didn’t sleep at all for nearly two weeks and eventually I collapsed of physical exhaustion.
In July 2007 I eventually started to get my act back together and continued on the citalopram until March 2009. I also got back with my ex partner who moved in with me in January 2009. I had everything I always wanted, my children back in my life, my partner living with me, a house a good job a car, everything that would appear to make most people happy. But I didn’t feel right, I felt like there was something missing, as if there was an emptiness inside me that couldn’t be filled. I eventually realised that I was on the slippery slope once again so went to the doctors at the end of January 2010 and he referred me to a psychiatrist. He did an assessment of me and diagnosed severe depression with high anxiety. His solution 15mg mirtazapine and a course of cbt.
After taking my mirtazapine for 6 weeks the psychiatrist did another examination and was happy with the progress I was making. My moods seemed to have improved somewhat but then about 3 weeks ago I started getting some horrible thoughts running through my mind. What if I killed my children, what if I killed myself, what if I hurt someone, am I going mad. I explained all this to my gp who was completely shocked by what I told her and wanted to call the local crisis team in. I persuaded her not to do this and she agreed to increase my mirtazapine to 30mg. I have been on the larger dose for three weeks now and know my depression has definitely started to lift but the horrible thoughts are still there. They scare and really upset me that I even think these things but my cbt psychotherapist has told me this is all related to my anxiety and has tried to show me how to change my thinking so that the thoughts will eventually disappear, but it is so difficult sometimes. It scares me that if my ex wife was to find out she would stop me seeing the children again. My partner is scared as well she isn’t sure how to deal with all this. I saw my psychiatrist for the third time on fri last week and I explained what was happening and he has said that I need to fight the thoughts using the skills taught in cbt and that he was happy for me to me be released back into the care of my own gp.
Has anyone else suffered like this is there a light at the end of the tunnel .Sorry for such a long post but felt I needed to get thing out.
I didn’t know how to fight her and I allowed this situation to continue for two months. Even at Christmas I wasn’t allowed to talk to them and their presents just sat at my house in a corner unwrapped.
I didn’t realise at the time how badly this affected me and slowly but surely I started to spiral into the web of depression without even realising. I began court proceedings against my ex wife to get access to the children which was eventually was resolved at the end of April 2007.
During the period of not seeing my kids my general demeanour and mood began to change and I didn’t even realise it. I would cause arguments with my new partner for no reason and would lose my temper at the slightest thing. On April 1st 2007 my partner decided she had enough and our relationship ended. I was in a total mess and decided to go see my doctor who asked me the usual questions Was I sleeping ok, had I lost weight, was I eating properly, did I feel down or moody for long periods of time? Of course I fell right into the category of being depressed. I was diagnosed as suffering from major depression. I was prescribed citalopram at 20 mg. Great I thought I will start to feel better soon. How wrong could I be? I took the medicine on the first night and about 3 to 4 hours later I was in a complete state. All I could think about was killing myself and ending all the pain. Even the thought that I would see the children again didn’t help. I called my friend who came to help and he took me to my doctors as soon as it opened. My doctor rang the local hospital and the crisis team did a full assessment of me and came up with a plan. First they changed the medication to 30mg mirtazapine and then there were follow ups by the crisis team and my doctor.
The mirtazapine managed to turn me into a zombie like state and I wandered through every day life as if my head was wrapped up in cotton wool. During this time all I seemed to be fixated on was getting my partner back into my life to the extent that it took over my every thought and waking moment.
At the end of April 2007 I eventually got access to the children again and was allowed over night access once a month with them staying for tea twice a week. You would think that this would have helped in my recovery but no I was still obsessed with getting my ex partner back. I still felt really down and couldn’t cope with the mirtazapine making me zombie like during the day. So at the end of June 2007 I went back to the doctors and asked to change my medication. He recommended citalopram again. I told him what had happened previously and that I was sh*t scared of what happened last time I took them. He prescribed it at 10mg and got me onto them gently but not before my sleeping patterns was completely trashed. I didn’t sleep at all for nearly two weeks and eventually I collapsed of physical exhaustion.
In July 2007 I eventually started to get my act back together and continued on the citalopram until March 2009. I also got back with my ex partner who moved in with me in January 2009. I had everything I always wanted, my children back in my life, my partner living with me, a house a good job a car, everything that would appear to make most people happy. But I didn’t feel right, I felt like there was something missing, as if there was an emptiness inside me that couldn’t be filled. I eventually realised that I was on the slippery slope once again so went to the doctors at the end of January 2010 and he referred me to a psychiatrist. He did an assessment of me and diagnosed severe depression with high anxiety. His solution 15mg mirtazapine and a course of cbt.
After taking my mirtazapine for 6 weeks the psychiatrist did another examination and was happy with the progress I was making. My moods seemed to have improved somewhat but then about 3 weeks ago I started getting some horrible thoughts running through my mind. What if I killed my children, what if I killed myself, what if I hurt someone, am I going mad. I explained all this to my gp who was completely shocked by what I told her and wanted to call the local crisis team in. I persuaded her not to do this and she agreed to increase my mirtazapine to 30mg. I have been on the larger dose for three weeks now and know my depression has definitely started to lift but the horrible thoughts are still there. They scare and really upset me that I even think these things but my cbt psychotherapist has told me this is all related to my anxiety and has tried to show me how to change my thinking so that the thoughts will eventually disappear, but it is so difficult sometimes. It scares me that if my ex wife was to find out she would stop me seeing the children again. My partner is scared as well she isn’t sure how to deal with all this. I saw my psychiatrist for the third time on fri last week and I explained what was happening and he has said that I need to fight the thoughts using the skills taught in cbt and that he was happy for me to me be released back into the care of my own gp.
Has anyone else suffered like this is there a light at the end of the tunnel .Sorry for such a long post but felt I needed to get thing out.