Alexy
19-05-10, 00:30
im wondering, if i need more help than just a councillor. when i think about my anxiety, health and otherwise, i realise that it isn't going away, in fact i think it'll get worse as i get older. everything scares me, stupid stupid things my brain thinks.. like, when i go out somewhere with my friends, have a drink etc, im always worried in the morning that iv forgotten something important, or that some one has spiked my drink or injected me secretly( yepp, mad) with some horrible drug that'll kill me, or that working somewhere with air con will poison me, or that when i come home ill find every one murdered, or that im being followed constantly by someone who wants to hurt me and knows where i live and all my routines like going to bed etc. im scared of going on trains/planes for fear of them crashing or something bad happening, im scared to go out for long periods of time without seeing my family, in case someone dies, im scared when i know i cant see my boyfriend for days in case something happens and someone dies. im scared to sleep, im scared to check my body for medical things, e.g. brest examination makes me phisically gag, and i cant run my fingers over my body and feel veins etc, i can't really look at my veins either. talking about what the heart does, (in lessons etc) made me feel faint and sick, being in crowded places like the cinema makes me feel sick and panicy, as does being on public transport. not saying goodnight makes me anxious and i can't sleep without saying a ritual to proctect my loved ones. just everything, im scared to do. plus on top of this all i have major depression regarding myself, iv had terrible acne through my childhood and although its mainly scars now, i have no self confidence and constantly feel ugly, which causes so many arguements with my boyfriend, as i can't trust that he likes me, and think he;ll want someone else better. all of this is without my health anxiety too, which is massive. i currently feel i have symptoms of so many things, irrational and crazy alot of them, but im convinced. i feel like although its not been diagnosed, iv got something terrible, yet im too scared to have tests done, in case its too late already and im terminal. i just think of all this and feel despair. i love life, and im so lucky to be here with the people that i am, but i just feel like its so limited, i feel wierd making plans even for next week. thing is, im 18, and most people of my age wouldnt even dream of thinking half this stuff. im mad i swear, my own brain and thoughts scare me, but i just dont know what to do next. drugs? i dunno if that'd help, plus im scared to take pills, even paracetamol unless its early in the day. i see a councillor but we just end up talking about stuff rather than treating, she says if i wasnt as bright i wouldnt have as many problems, sucks huh? i dunno how to go onwards with it.. i dont even know why im posting this, just had a bit of a bad turn i guess.. its just general thoughts right now, but sorry anyway, although id be highly surprized if anyone has gotten this far to accept the apology anyway.