View Full Version : 'Silent/Sexual/Verbal' Abuse From Partner?
Last night, i had a VERY bad anxiety attack. I was breathing uncontrollably my head felt like it was full with heavy bricks and had been bashed against a brick wall. I was dizzy and my body was felt light and was trembling, my chest hurt and was tight. I had a bad stomache ache and my throat was sore.
So I was trying to hold it together, then my partner turned round and grabbed my face and screamed 'CALM THE F#@K DOWN' I just led there in shock and tears ran down my face. I was in so much agony and i couldn't breathe i was in shock so i just wanted to leave but i couldn't move. And it scared me. My breathing was still playing up but i was scared to breathe out loud. Ive never felt so uncomfortable and so scared in my life.
He once came home from work and i was stressed out and anxious in bed crying I just wanted him to cuddle and comfort me for a while and he tried having sex with me before i went to sleep and i boldly said NO. He started coming onto me again and i woke up to him .. sleeping with me. I love him a lot but i feel like this isnt right? Are men aloud to do this to you?
He's always harassing me, Not trusting me, Sometimes he wont even listen to me or notice I'm in the same room as him. I feel like he hates me sometimes. I feel so low around him right now. I don't know whats right or whats wrong sometimes, is he supposed to shout and swear at me? Or read my conversations? Pin me down until i have a panic attack.. i don't know if hes aloud to do this or other things.. :weep:
Am i in the wrong here? He always makes it out that its my fault, I'm just so sick of the sight of him and i wish he didn't come home so early all the time, i feel like i cant even breathe around him sometimes.. I'm so dependent on him though.
Please i need some reassurance.
His behaviour is not right at all. This shouldn't be happening.
In that situation he should've been supportive of you and not making the problem worse and increase anxiety.
He should not swear or yell, nor ask for sex at inappropriate times like that. There should be no pressure on you in this relationship.
Ruby
No...this is in NO WAY right. No wonder your anxiety is so bad when you're being treated this way. You are NOT dependant on him and you are MORE than capable of doing it on your own. I know it's not as easy as it sounds and there will be bad times but you know what...YOU can't hurt YOU, others can! Your "partner" doesn't sound like a nice person and is taking advantage of you at a very vulnerable time in your life.
I've been there, and I know it is possible to come out theother side.
Please please feel free to pm me if you need to "talk"...I will ALWAYS answer you.
Please take care
Sasha xx
as a man i am appalled by his behaviour,of course he isnt allowed to do that stuff to you NO NO NO NO honey bee.i dont know of your situation but no one can survive that level of abuse.my opinion? get support around you,friends,family,whoever will stand up for you.i would leave.
sorry to be blunt but from what you describe he assaulted you.end of.final.beyond the line of acceptability.
sending you love,love can be gentle and kind,so can the right man.
x:lac:
not being funny hun, but the bloke is being a complete plank, My partner is always comforting towards me, and she says to me to wake me up if i need her if im having a rough night of it. AS for the sex whilst you're asleep, if you don't want him to do it it counts as non consenting, so if you arent comfortable you should tell him to stop.
I think you need to sit and talk to him about these things, and if he can't understand this or acts aggressively, well, i'd recommend dumping him but thats down to you hun.
Dan
guitarpants
19-05-10, 16:47
Sounds like it's time to leave.
So sorry to hear you're going through all of this, it certainly isn't the way you should be treated. You should be treated with much more respect and love, instead of being taken advantage of.
Try not to feel as if you are dependent on him, sounds like that's the way he wants you to feel and this is how he can take advantage of you even further.
At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for YOU. And YOU only.
Lots of love and hugs,
Chrissy xx
Jannie2948
19-05-10, 17:57
This is definitely not right, you should not have to put up with this, it is just his way of controlling you by bullying you and making you feel that it is all your fault. None of this is your fault. I know you say you love him and you are dependent on him, but believe me none of that is true. You are worth more than that, he should be treating you with love and kindness whilst you are in this condition, not making you feel worthless.
Please believe me when I say you need to break away from him, I speak from experience, and it will never ever get any better. He is insecure if he needs to control you all the time and the bullying will only get worse and it will go from squeezing your face and telling you to "F..K OFF" to hitting you, and this will eventually happen.
You would be better off on your own or can you go to a family member, at least let them know what is happening to you.
As Sasha says you can always pm me if you need to talk, as I have been exactly where you are now and I changed my life for the better for me and my children.
All the very best to you
Jannie x x
This is abuse hun and you need to get out! No way should he be treating you like this. Please dont let it go on anymore you deserve so much better.
I have posted the below link if you need support
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CMqcnO2Y36ECFSaElAodzjueJg
xxx
Freak myself out
20-05-10, 14:04
You have to leave and gain your independence. He's not worth that kind of crap. Dont be afraid to live alone for some time. After a while its great and you find ways to tolerate your own company and cope with your anxiety.
Your relationship with him will never work the way things are and now that he has become physically enforcing thats dam right scary. He obviously doesn't understand or respect your mental state to a point where he cant control his aggression. LEAVE; GET OUT; HIS NEXT MOVE COULD BE YOUR LAST. Please, get out and save yourself.
gladyscourt
20-05-10, 14:46
I agree, sweetie this is in no way right what so ever. He is abusing you, causing the anxiety, u are so young have so much going for u at this age. Please get out hun this is not good for you. you are not dependant on him, hes manipulating you to feel this way its all a lie. xxxxxxx
Hi Ruby
I would have thought by the title of this post that deep down you DO know what is wrong within this relationship....maybe you just need reassurances and as you can see you certainly got them.
As a fellow sufferer I endured similar and worse within the hands of the man I thought loved me don't tolerate this there is no time regardless of anything that he has the right to do this. Something once told to me by my solicitor after receiving another injury...even when people argue, and unfortunately couples do, does this give anyone the right to do these things... it is all part of a healthy normal relationship to disagree but it is not normal nor healthy for that to turn to as you rightly called abuse.
Does your partner have any issues? you haven't said if so it is time that you weigh up whether it is something you can take on board as well as your own anxiety.
I know from old that no one can tell you to leave or tell him to leave until you are ready..but you are getting there it took me a lot of years and it does stay with you the longer you leave it ...the damage I mean.
My advice is to listen to your gut reactions they seem to be going the right way.. most importantly though is to remember that you are worth something in your own right and when you need to you will find that strength x
Hi Ruby,
The others are right.
Anyone who loved you wouldn't behave like this. And if you accept he doesn't love you, then you will also realise you can't stay with him - the relationship, which is only going to become more abusive, is going nowhere.
You may thk you are dependent on him but dependency is not the same as love. And it's my bet that you feel like that because he's made you feel that way. That's how guys like this operate I'm afraid and they turn into woman beaters and worse if you let them get away with it.
You are much stronger than you think you are and you CAN walk away.
Wishing you all the best.
B
Hi, Please do not feel you have to just accept this mans behaviour. Violent controlling men do not change and lots of times we waste ages on thinking it will all be ok and it was ourselves to blame and it won't happen again etc. etc.
Staying with him will only bring you more suffering in the future and be detrimental to your recovery from anxiety too. Id say either go it alone or find someone else who understands you better and he is obviously not worth being with.
If i left him, who else have i got? My Mum doesnt care about me, she never has. I wouldnt be this anxious mess if it wasnt for her, i know thats a horrible thing to say but if any of you knew my mum and seen what shes put me through then you'd agree.
My dad, i clean for him (well my grandad) who he lives with. Every weekend. I never see my dad. He leaves me money on the side for cleaning for my grandad. dad has just got out of a 8 Year relationship and never wants to see me or spend time with me. My brother and sister have moved out and left, they arent close to me either.
My other half is obnoxious. So is his Patronising mother..
And im scared to be alone because i'm scared of what im going to do with myself.
Hi Ruby
Dear oh dear, you are going through a terrible time with acceptance of one bad behaviour from one person to get over a terrible time from another.
you sound as if you have a low self esteem and this is not allowing you to look past the immediate. You will always have you. You sound as if you have always been treated in a way that makes you believe that you are not important, but that simply is not the case, it just means that you will one day have to find the corridor to your real strength within yourself to take your life back.
Everyone assumes that families take care of each other and unfortunately that is not always the case and the saying you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family is very true.
You come across as being intelligent enough to know that how you have been treated is not right, you just need to gently coax yourself into realising that your family treatment is NOT your fault you had no choice in that, BUT, you do have the choice regarding the rest of your life. This man does not care that you are hurting from pain suffered via your family, it sounds to me as if he is using that as another weapon within his arsenal and people who are inclined as he sounds, see others weaknesses and use it to build their own ego.
As long as you tolerate this treatment you will always feel lonely and needy, I know there will be times that you adore him and others that you loathe him and I know that this can happen within seconds and he will make you feel it is your doing...IT IS NOT.
We all have our breaking point and each time he hurts you, you will take a step back and you will close down a little and one day you will look and you will see him for what he is a rapist and a big bully boy, an insignificant nothing that you do not need and will not tolerate. Until then find other interests and friends and for everyone one person sitting and saying who will I have then there is another out there somewhere feeling the same and one day they meet.
All sounds nonsense I know .. but it is true... when I sought refuge I found myself in an environment that gave me lots of encouragement and support and I soon found that most of these characters follow similar traits and we even found the strength to laugh about how pathetic they are.. we escaped and whilst yes you do have lonely times and sometimes you look back and just remember the good times as there always are those times too within these relationships, you do find that happiness and when you are ready and find yourself again you too will find a partner that you are with for the right reasons in the first place and you will feel nothing at all for your current partner you won't hate him, love him nor miss him there will be nothing.
Each day that you spend with this person that you are with now will chip away at you and your confidence and whilst in many years you may escape it will mark you and your trust and beliefs in a way that others will never understand ... I don't know how old or young you are Ruby but what I do know is that we can all give you advice but it takes YOU to be strong and you WILL and until you do please take good care of yourself there are people and organisations out there that will give you support don't leave it too long hey... there is a wonderful world out there for the taking and this man will never give you the opportunity to find your full potential..
Biggest hugs sent your way and remember your soul mate is holding his breathe whilst you waste time with this one you could be having such fun and love and support from the guy you are meant to be with x
Hi Ruby
Dear oh dear, you are going through a terrible time with acceptance of one bad behaviour from one person to get over a terrible time from another.
you sound as if you have a low self esteem and this is not allowing you to look past the immediate. You will always have you. You sound as if you have always been treated in a way that makes you believe that you are not important, but that simply is not the case, it just means that you will one day have to find the corridor to your real strength within yourself to take your life back.
Everyone assumes that families take care of each other and unfortunately that is not always the case and the saying you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family is very true.
You come across as being intelligent enough to know that how you have been treated is not right, you just need to gently coax yourself into realising that your family treatment is NOT your fault you had no choice in that, BUT, you do have the choice regarding the rest of your life. This man does not care that you are hurting from pain suffered via your family, it sounds to me as if he is using that as another weapon within his arsenal and people who are inclined as he sounds, see others weaknesses and use it to build their own ego.
As long as you tolerate this treatment you will always feel lonely and needy, I know there will be times that you adore him and others that you loathe him and I know that this can happen within seconds and he will make you feel it is your doing...IT IS NOT.
We all have our breaking point and each time he hurts you, you will take a step back and you will close down a little and one day you will look and you will see him for what he is a rapist and a big bully boy, an insignificant nothing that you do not need and will not tolerate. Until then find other interests and friends and for everyone one person sitting and saying who will I have then there is another out there somewhere feeling the same and one day they meet.
All sounds nonsense I know .. but it is true... when I sought refuge I found myself in an environment that gave me lots of encouragement and support and I soon found that most of these characters follow similar traits and we even found the strength to laugh about how pathetic they are.. we escaped and whilst yes you do have lonely times and sometimes you look back and just remember the good times as there always are those times too within these relationships, you do find that happiness and when you are ready and find yourself again you too will find a partner that you are with for the right reasons in the first place and you will feel nothing at all for your current partner you won't hate him, love him nor miss him there will be nothing.
Each day that you spend with this person that you are with now will chip away at you and your confidence and whilst in many years you may escape it will mark you and your trust and beliefs in a way that others will never understand ... I don't know how old or young you are Ruby but what I do know is that we can all give you advice but it takes YOU to be strong and you WILL and until you do please take good care of yourself there are people and organisations out there that will give you support don't leave it too long hey... there is a wonderful world out there for the taking and this man will never give you the opportunity to find your full potential..
Biggest hugs sent your way and remember your soul mate is holding his breathe whilst you waste time with this one you could be having such fun and love and support from the guy you are meant to be with x
Sharonsk, :weep: thankyou for that lovely post, i hope you dont mind me saving this. Thanks for taking the time to write this post to me. I just want you to know this has made me think a lot and has opened my mind up to different views and choices. You speak such sense to me. I think i know what im goin to do now. x:hugs:
okaay,
i had a similar 'marriage' finally plucked up courage to end it and while having councelling , cbt and various help someone reccomended going to a FREEDOM PROGRAMME group .honestly it is fantastic . from people who have suffered the same or worse or different- you will not be alone , scared, used or abused again please ask at your dr or health service , childrens services, one of them will be able to supply you with a contact number .there were also a few ladies who were still with thier 'partners' and were able to change things please, please just DO IT also look it up on the internet. i feel so very sad for you it is awful but please know that you are NOT alone and you have already done the hardest thing - admitting what is going on...i know ,it sounds wierd 'admitting' when it is the perpetrator who is the guilty one you are the one being abused and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
I can promise you that you will recieve as much support and more than you need. do try it -my thoughts are with you
atually writing this to you has made me realise just how much the FREEDOM PROGRAMME has done for me and can do for you too!
womens aid is also good and they can give you details of 'freedom' too
LittleMissSunshine
23-05-10, 12:33
Rubie,
This is Domestic Abuse. There is support out there who can help you through this. Perhaps, confidentially get in touch with one of these and they will be able to support and help you through this. Make sure you don't let him know you have done that though (erase your google searches/dial from a call box or delete the numder in your phone). There are different support groups depending on are area of country but there is a 24 hour domestic violence helpline - 0808 2000 247. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Please know that people do care and help is out there. Wishing you lots of love x
Ruby, as cliche as this may sound you have you! You may not think you have the strength to walk away but you will surprise yourself. You are worth so much more than the way he treats you and the way your family have treated you.
You can make a fresh start, make new friends and take back your life. Everyday sing 'I will survive' to yourself again cliche I know but that song is very empowering!
You will need help and support so contact womens aid and they can put you in touch with a refuge if you need one and other support. You can meet other women who can understand what you have been through and build up a support network.
Keep chatting to us and if your feeling lonely come in the chat room!
xxxx
*echoes what everybody else has said*
Nobody has the right to do any of those things to you. He's not allowed to lay a finger on you without your consent. Please speak to someone, a friend or family member, your gp, the website in the previous post. He shouldn't be allowed to get away with this. This is domestic abuse and there are people out there who can help you. Good luck.
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