Worse than ever... or at least it feels that way!

[Zingara]

Hi... I've been very quiet for a bit... I did feel I was getting better, (a little, anyway, though my anxiety seems totally intractable) at least I was feeling less intensely distressed all the time. Now, almost out of the blue, I feel worse than ever. Tearful, very anxious, unable to concentrate or enjoy anything, panicky (though not having panic attacks as such, more just severe anxiety that makes it very hard to relax at all). I'm alternately very very tired and so agitated that I can't sit still.
I haven't been on here for a long time and when I look back over my old posts I feel so profoundly sad I just want to cry and cry... in a way I feel nostalgic for those days... although I was so ill and suffering so much I had a kind of hope that it wouldn't last, that time would heal. Now I just feel defeated, and I could weep for the 'Samira' who joined here two years ago, so full of pain, but still hoping the pain would lift. Well, today it's as bad as ever... I don't know where to turn.
I still have my 'problem' - the very specific issue of being unable to move on emotionally from an intense experience - a total thyroidectomy - two and a half years ago now. I'm going to see my doctor next week and beg for a referral to a psychologist because I think I need real proper therapy for it, to address underlying emotional problems. I'm really scared that I won't ever get better. I'm 31 - what if this haunts me for the rest of my life? I don't know how I'll cope, I don't know how I'm coping now.
I also have associated anxiety issues - I've been diagnosed with GAD and I also have OCD. I have some health issues associated with having no thyroid, and I suffer badly with anxiety related health problems - heart palpitations, sleep problems and IBS.
I wish I could get some respite - I'm used to suffering, but I just want to take a break from it. I wish I could just enjoy the days instead of being pierced with melancholy and distress, so that I'm in tears all the time, or so hamstrung with anxiety I can hardly get out of the house. I feel so lost - like an alien, as though my time has passed, and I'm living on like a ghost. It's so frightening when I feel like that, and I don't know how to describe it. I am also very emotionally fragile - I cry several times a day, and once I start it's very hard to stop.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. xx

[Franz]

Hi Samira. I know from our private correspondence how bad you have been feeling, and I'm sorry you feel this low again. I know what it's like to feel you can't go on; I am in a very bad place myself at the moment, having just quit my job in Ireland (which I hated) without a job to go back to in the UK.

When I go back to see my parents, like you I am on the verge of (or in) tears a lot of the time. Without anyone here in Ireland that I know, I'm forced just to bottle up my anxiety, which is making me a bit of a nervous wreck.

Anyway that's me. Remember that you have a friend in me, and no doubt other people on NMP will be able to offer you the support you need.

F

[bobby0786]

Hey Samaira


I spent many days with tearfull eyes, I dont feel like leaving the house anymore too, You hang in there. I joined this site today for support as freinds and family dont understand what I go through,

Take Care
Aahil

[Zingara]

Thank you both so much. Let's hope we can get through this together. xx

[Zee]

Hi Samira, Im sorry its so bad for you right now.. Ten years ago with my first HA issue I felt I would never be the same person again but I did beat it !..I got very anxious about something couple months ago and started the HA off again but this time I was determined Ive been there before so I will not let it control me.. Easier said than done I know. I have bad days and good days, I have coping days and high anxiety days but bit by bit its all coming together and you will get through this especially with all the friends on here.

[marie1974]

Hiya matey, well i know we speak so often anyway, but if you ever need to talk or feel so bad then please mail me anytime, i too have been very anxious lately over my son, my parents, money etc, i know sometimes u feel it will never get any better, i'm here anytime hun :) xxx

[snowy]

hi samira...i too suffer with gad..albeit self diagnosed..its just the worst feeling ever...anxiety through the roof..ive lost all sense of self..who am i?..losing the plot!!.hope youre feeling a little better?.x

[Zingara]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I'm struggling a lot, still, I had a dreadful weekend despite the lovely sunshine, but am trying to have a better week - not that it's something I can control, really! I have a counsellor's appointment for the 9th June, so am just trying to hang in there until then.

[daydreamer]

Hi Samira,

sorry to hear your still feeling so bad after so long. Its good news about the counseling appointment though, not too long to wait, you hang in there till then and be kind to yourself!

[marie1974]

hi hun, so pleased u r seeing a counsellor, it will help, just make sure u r totally honest and open to how u feel about everything, i trully believe u only get out of it, wot u r prepared to put in, u know where i am if u ever want to chat xx

[katyw66]

hello there Samira.I'm sorry u feel so bad .Many a time have I felt the same and I know the hopelessness and the fear.I'm on medication again now for the umpteenth time.It's just kicked in as the the first few weeks can be difficult and now I'm beginning to feel like a human being again.It seems that I'll be on and off of medication for the rest of my life, something I d,on't like at all but I do feel better.Maybe its a solution for you too.Anyway your counsellor will tell u.Good luck

[Hollie]

Hey, I've just joined just like you as a last resort kind of thing. I've been like this for as long as I can remember now, on and off medication a million and one times. Like you I am having a bad time, dont know why really and embarrassed to go back to my doctor. (Feel abit like I might be getting on his nerves now) I'm driving my husband crazy with my up and down moods and lack of patience. I have this massive sense of guilt hanging over me mainly because of my two young children who see their mummy turn into "she devil" overnight. I try my hardest to paint a smile on most days for the sake of my family. Why should they have to suffer?? Generally all I want to do is crawl into bed and go back to sleep. My husband is really losing the will with me, I cant explain how I feel to him for fear of him telling me to get a grip (something that would probably tip me over the edge at this moment in time) May soumd dramatic, but I feel like I'm dying sometimes inside my own head. My whole entire body is screaming inside. I'm embarrased to feel like this. Sometimes I feel like thers nothing wrong with me, its just me, not being able to deal with life and I should hurry up and pull myself together. Gods knows I try.