Franz
19-05-10, 21:38
As I mentioned in a recent post, I'm back on NMP after a period of feeling I was just repeating myself.
I was unemployed for 9 months, which was an insecure time, but also a period of respite from my social phobia which had been causing me lots of problems in an open plan office.
I took a job in Ireland, mainly because the office had cubicles and so I had the privacy I needed.
Unfortunately my employer was a real slavedriver, I was overworked and hated the job, and had another nervous breakdown. On Monday I handed in my notice.
Right now I am stuck in Ireland, preparing to head back to the UK. I am staying here because I need to pick up a pair of specs on Saturday, but I am coping very badly. I don't have a job to go to in the UK (I am still paying a mortgage on a flat there), and I am driven to despair by the isolation and having no one to talk to. The only reason I'm capable of writing this is that I took some diazepam earlier.
I'm smoking up to 20 cigs a day, partly to curb the stress and partly out of boredom. I can't concentrate on anything (e.g. reading, which I normally enjoy), and when I'm not on diazepam I am a gibbering wreck, spending much of the day shuddering with fear.
I intend to go back to my parents', but they are in their 60s and can do without my constant state of panic. They get cross with me, which I completely understand, because they're so frustrated that I don't respond to any of their suggestions for "how to get better".
The fact is that when you're in the grip of panic, you are incapable of anything constructive. It's all I can do to walk to the shops, and even that feels like a huge nervous strain.
I get obsessed by "omens", like single magpies.
As I said, I am coping right now thanks to diazepam; without it, my mind is just a tangle of uncontrollable anxiety.
I'm not asking for help, but it's useful sometimes to get my angst out of my system, so thanks for reading.
Franz
I was unemployed for 9 months, which was an insecure time, but also a period of respite from my social phobia which had been causing me lots of problems in an open plan office.
I took a job in Ireland, mainly because the office had cubicles and so I had the privacy I needed.
Unfortunately my employer was a real slavedriver, I was overworked and hated the job, and had another nervous breakdown. On Monday I handed in my notice.
Right now I am stuck in Ireland, preparing to head back to the UK. I am staying here because I need to pick up a pair of specs on Saturday, but I am coping very badly. I don't have a job to go to in the UK (I am still paying a mortgage on a flat there), and I am driven to despair by the isolation and having no one to talk to. The only reason I'm capable of writing this is that I took some diazepam earlier.
I'm smoking up to 20 cigs a day, partly to curb the stress and partly out of boredom. I can't concentrate on anything (e.g. reading, which I normally enjoy), and when I'm not on diazepam I am a gibbering wreck, spending much of the day shuddering with fear.
I intend to go back to my parents', but they are in their 60s and can do without my constant state of panic. They get cross with me, which I completely understand, because they're so frustrated that I don't respond to any of their suggestions for "how to get better".
The fact is that when you're in the grip of panic, you are incapable of anything constructive. It's all I can do to walk to the shops, and even that feels like a huge nervous strain.
I get obsessed by "omens", like single magpies.
As I said, I am coping right now thanks to diazepam; without it, my mind is just a tangle of uncontrollable anxiety.
I'm not asking for help, but it's useful sometimes to get my angst out of my system, so thanks for reading.
Franz