Please help!!!

[estuchbury]

Ok, where do i start? Well, i'm 22, 23 next saturday. I've suffered with depression for 2 years and 2 weeks. I know the exact date because it was when my baby's dad walked out on me on his birthday when our son was 4 months old. He left me for his ex. I have 3 children. Johnathan who is 5, Dylan who is 3 and Tyler who is 2. Before tylers dad i was with my eldest two's dad in an extremely violent relationship, he used to lock me in my room and force himself on me, hit me and just generally abuse me.
Last year i started taking citalopram but had awfull side affects so stopped taking them after 2 months. I was too scared to go to the doctors for more but then something happened... I am rather ashamed and feel extremely guilty so i find it hard to talk to people about it but as no one on here knows me i'm gonna go for it... One morning i was running late for taking my eldest two to school (i was often late as i had sleeping problems) So i got a taxi, my youngest, still in his pj's came in the taxi while dropping the other 2 off, anyway, i got home and was exhausted as usual, so i put tyler in his bed to watch a dvd and he fell asleep so i went for a bath. When i got out the bath i felt empty and confused, didn't know where i was or what i was doing and i passed out, Tyler woke up and got out of my house as i had forgot to lock the door. Luckily a friend found him straight away and she was screaming at me but i still didn't know where i was or even who she was so she phoned my babys dad and he took him off me. Since then i am only allowed supervised visits with my son, at my home with his nan here. My other 2 still live with me.
Anyway, i went to the doctors and she asked me if i was on drugs?? I have never touched drugs in my life!!! So she gave me mirtazapine, i've been on it for 3 months now but i am still constantly up and down, i put on loads of weight too. A month ago i set myself a goal to get a part time job. I got one working in debenhams within a week but 2 weeks into it i couldnt handle it and locked myself in my bedroom for 3 days. Luckily i have a partner who is amazing and helps me with my boys, i dunno what i would do without him.
The other thing is i keep having visions of me stabbing myself in the stomach... i often think about suicide but as my mum tried to kill herself 3 times wen i was younger by overdose and failed i always think of alternative ways but its got to the point where i see this every day.
Anyway, yesterday i didnt take my tablet and none tonight either as i have ran out and cant get the motivation to even go to the doctors... and im panicking.... i didnt sleep at all last night and doubt i will tonight... i'm just constantly up and down. One day i can feel amazing and have the perfect plans to sort myself out then the next i loose all motivation and i'm stuck... i want to get better for my babies more than anything...i just dont know how......PLEASE HELP!!!! X

[Vanilla Sky]

Sorry you are having a rough time of it . I am actually surprised that your doctor never sent you for tests to see what caused that when you came out of the bath. When i had depression , Mirtazapine was my life saver and of course meeting my husband and i recovered within a year. You will get there hun, your mood will even out .
Do you think about suicide because your mum did ? Maybe you learned that thats what you do when your depressed? They are only thoughts , doesn't mean you are going to do it. The fact that you are having good days is a sign of things to come . Have you tried CBT ?
We all have our of days, it's all part of beinh human hun.
I wish you luck xx

[gypsywomen]

sounds like you had a breakdown ,, i was beaten and locked in the house ,so i kow what you went through its hell and we dont tell anyone ,so what happes we blame ourselves we believe its our fault ,thats how they want us to feel ,,so over time the brain cant take anymore and shuts down to rest us ,,its nature thats what must have happened to you as you got out the bath ,me i went to bed one night and didnt get up for 3 months ,.i was told i had post trumatic stress sydrome ,like someone who been in a war ..seen bad things ,,i think you should keep taking your meds ,,it will all work out ,at least you have good person by your side now chin up you can do it ,if you got through what your husband did you can come through this believe me xxxxxxx

[estuchbury]

Thanks both, my doctor is useless, i asked him if he could refer me for councilling and he said no but gave me numbers of private places that charge £40 a session. I went and got more mirtazapine yesterday and slept since 7pm last night to 1pm today. I also went to my eldest two's school yesterday for an open day to talk to their teacher, she had nothing but praise for them both and showed me some of my eldest's work. She said he excells in everything and she said he uses puntuation alot which for a 5yr old is amazing. I'm so proud of the both of them and can't believe how well they are doing when i have been so useless. Its given me motivation (For now) i'm going to focus all my time and energy into playing with them and teaching them. We had a water fight last night with loads of kids off my street, i was knackard coz hadnt slept for two days but i loved it. I havent been spending enough time with them... i think now is the time i need to.

[katyw66]

hello there.I was moved by your story.I brought up three boys on my own(my eldest was called Jonathan too!). It was so hard .I had an abusive husband who never helped at all, he only hindered as if jealous that I was managing.Managing!I just had to manage,noone asked me if I could,instead of just admiring me .Maybe I shouldnt have just put up my brave facade, although I cant think of who would have actually offered help.o.k. we're left with the children,and maybe as women we are more capable and strong,but really I think now that I've lived it that we are served an absolutely inhuman deal.Unfortunately I cant offer a better solution,Marriage forever does'nt work anymore it seems.I can only say that you are probably justified in the way you feel.I managed to get through the hard labour of bringing my boys up (I love them to death of course and I wouln't have had it any other way)andthen it all fell apart and I had a complete nervous breakdown,I've been on pills most of the time,I can't work any more and most of my days are spent in bed staring at the ceiling, even though I've tried to push myself.That was my award ! It seems so unjust.Of course my reward was 3 lovely kids but I'm in pices. Good luck to you, I suggest you ask for help beit friends doctors whatever

[unspoken]

Hi, that is pretty poor that your doctor couldn't refer you for any counselling.

My GP didn't either but I did see a GP who gave me the number of Mind. They provide counselling which is free or almost free, you just pay the administration cost of it. I managed to get counselling through a local charity for young people, which is for 11-25 year olds. Have a look at what help is available for young mothers in your area. There are charities and government-funded places providing support and you may be able to find some counselling or other support through those, maybe some practical help or a support group for people who've been through a similar situation. Your local library may be a place to start if you can't find much online, they should have information on what's available locally.