anxiety want it to go

[linworth]

HI
I am new on here, just need some reassurance (spell) really, I suffered a panic attack about fours weeks ago, i recognised it straight away, as i have suffered them before, i had severe PND after my first child, due to loss of baby late in pregnancy, then again after my 2nd child, due to stress and panic. I have been mostly symptom free for the last 41/2 years, although still on anti depressants, but really didnt feel i needed them anymore. Anyway i went through a few weeks of stress, argueing with husband, money worries and work worries, didnt know if i was going to lose my job, job description changing etc.. anyway after a particulary bad week at work, i went to bed that night, was falling asleep and bam it came, shaking sweating, dizzy and feelings of dread, just out of the blue, well that was just the start of it, i have gradually gone worse, it started with my panicing it was all coming back, although i didnt feel depressed when i was calm, then was constantly on edge waiting for the dreaded depression to come back, it was horrible, till enventually i broke down in work and went to the doctors, i just wanted the horrible feelings to go away so i could get back on with my life !! the doctor suggested i upped my tablets as on the lowest dose, but really dont want to, i started on this dose and it has always worked and in my experience it makes you feel worse before better, i just cannot face that. I am also going for counselling next week through work, i have spoke to a counsellor on the phone who seems to think i have a fear of fear, if that makes sense, its like an intense fear of going back to those dark days, and it feels very real when i am having an anxiety attack, but when i am calm, it seems ridiculous. Yesterday was my worse day ever, constantly crying, desperate for it to go away. I also have trouble going to sleep now and wake with a knot of anxiety in my stomach, thinking everything is wrong when it isnt, i cant relax. I just want my life back, does anybody have any advice for me? i would really appreciate it, and sorry for the long winded thread ! LOL

[nomorepanic]

Hi linworth

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[JT69]

Hi linworth,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling as you are. I can totally relate to it all. I think that the counselling will help you hun. What meds are you on?(if you dont mind me asking). I know how you feel when you say about upping the dose and you feel worse before feeling better...nightmare isnt it? I am going through a bit of a rough time myself and am also worried that the only way I will start to feel better is by my meds being upped and then having to go through the awful side effects etc.

I would wait and see how you get on with the counselling and take it from there. I am too waiting for my sessions to come up but have been having such an awful few days have made appointment with my GP for Tuesday to go and chat to him about how I am again.

Hope you feel better soon, and dont worry about posting on here, I found it helps me so much.

Take care
JO.xx

[linworth]

Hi Jo

thank you so much for the reply, its awful isnt it? what gets me so desperate is that i have not felt like this for years, i cant believe it, I think i need the counselling to help me make sense of panic/anxiety attacks and deal with them, rather than going it to full blown anxiety mode, it seems unreal that four weeks ago, i was going about my daily life, a bit of stress, but no sign of depression at all, and believe me i can spot it lol ! going out, taking kids to school, socialising, the normal things, to this, second guessing everything i do, feeling like a wreck, getting anxious going anywhere as if its a big deal, i have huge support of my sister and mum, husband is useless, when i went to the supermarket with him this morning i said i didnt feel like i was there, he said " well thats strange, it sounds like an outer body experience, made me feel worse, no idea at all, i can tell he is thinking "here we go again". I just feel numb today and depressed, it all feels like a nightmare, got to go to my daughters drama show tonight , which a few weeks ago i was really excited about.. I am on 50mg of sertraline, i was told a week to maybe up them, still not ... do you suffer anxiety attacks or depression ? and it is awful when we have to go through these blips, like a nightmare. Hope fully in a short while we will be smiling again.:D
Lynne

[linworth]

Hi jo, just wanted to add, when i do normal things, like getting the kids ready etc.. i feel so much better and it does feel as if i dont have this problem, do you get this. And do u wake up in the morning with feelings of fear, if yes how do u deal with them. thanks lynne xx

[JT69]

Hi Lynne,

I started in 1998 suffering with anxiety which then ended up making me depressed too. I have taken meds on and off since then, started out on prozac, then dothiepin until eventually taking citalapram which did the trick....I have had odd blips over the years but the back in January 2009 I felt so well I weaned myself off the meds and in October last year crashed again and ended up being off work for 5 months!!! This time the citalopram did not do its job and I had to change to mirtazipine which I have now been taking for almost 4 months now....the meds have helped, I sleep well and managed to go back to work starting off on part time hours, slowly building up to full-time, I have now been full-time for 4 weeks!!! I am really having a bad time of it again at the moment though. I wake up feeling terriable, anxiety...which sometimes disappears by mid morning but at the moment is lingering all through the day and evenings are the only time I feel o.k. and believe me I feel like a totally different person then...so wierd!!! It is all getting me down. Thankfully my husband is so supportive and helps me by talking to me and helping around the house cos he knows I just feel so drained after pushing myself through the day cos I just dont want to go sick again!!!

The only way I can deal with it Lynne is try to just carry on as normal, it is not nice at all but what else can you do??? I just wish I would wake up and feel normal...its not fair is it???

I just hope like yourself that we will be both smiling again soon.

I hope you enjoy your daughters drama show. I am going to a 60th tonight which I would really rather not either but hope that I will enjoy it when I get there.

Lets hope that we both have a better day tommorow.

I am wondering about sertraline as I have heard it is good for anxiety??? Some people take it along with mirtazipine on here and wonder if my GP might consider it. How did you feel when you started taking it?? Or is it a case of the usual feeling worse before feeling better....I just dont want to have to take time off work!!!

Take care.
JO.xx

[linworth]

Hi Jo,

Well done !! back at work full time, thats great, probably the apprehension of going back full time may have triggered the anxiety, you know, the what ifs ...
I think a lot of it after an anxiety attack is lack of confidence, i think that is what has happened to me, its reallly knocked me for six, because i felt like it came out of the blue.
I am back from my daughters show, managed to switch off (mostly) while i was there, and just like you, I feel totally normal, as such, apart from the underlying, "why do i feel normal, when yesterday i was a wreck, crying into my sisters arms, begging for it to go away" it all feels a bit surreal, but iam on guard waiting for the crash, anxious about how i will feel in the morning, I suppose once I have a run of good days, i will then relax back into my daily life, if that makes sense.
I orginally 10 years ago took seroxat, awful stuff, i went from a depressed and anxious person, who felt like they couldnt cope, to absolutely beside myself with anxiety, and when i tried to come off that, i crashed again big time, it was awful. I then went back on it and had to endure it going worse again, till finally it settled down, i stayed on it for five years, the last two just taking 3ml a day, but dont think i was fully recovered all that time, because i had not had proper councilling, and didnt fully understand my condition, still thought i was going mad etc.. I then fell pregnant with my second child, and came off completely, only through lack of sleep, stress of moving back to england, (we had moved abroad) and anxiety regarding my sons health, ( i usually have to have tests in pregnancy, but refused them, and didnt know he was ok till he was born) i crashed again, with feelings i couldnt cope and what i now know were panic attacks. I was then prescribed sertraline, started taking them and felt worse.. i even went to A&E convinced i have phycosis, because i felt like my son wasnt mine, but was told it was severe anxiety, i recovered a lot quicker on sertraline i think, and up until this point i have never felt better in all the ten years i have suffered. I had not been to the doctors with any symptoms for 41/2 years, but always a bit wary if i felt low, but managed to brush the feelings off and not panic about them, realising it was just life or hormones. So that is why this is so frustating, why cant i brush it off and get on, why do i not feel comfortable with myself again? Logically i know why, i have lost my confidence in myself, but who thinks logically in the middle of an anxiety attack? Anyway best go to bed and try and sleep and fingers crossed tomorrow will be ok.
Hope you enjoyed the party and wake up tomorrow feeling good
take care lynne x

[StoneMonkey]

Hi Linworth I just put something on my post to you then i worked out how to find yours.You are really going through it at the moment.It is terrifying when it comes back but you say you have been on and off with it so you know you can do it.Any major changes like moving house or job changes make things worse.Most people might have a bit of nerves but what we feel is the equivilent of sitting on a plane that is going to crashIt cant really be explained to someone that hasn't suffered.
Nine years of living with my partner and she still couldn't see that i could be feeling anything more than mild discomfort.
Hopefully this is a tiny blip set back for you.
You are not going back to the beggining.
Try not to feed it with scary imaginings and keep sister close.
With ten years under your belt you are very capable but need a liitle extra support now.
Have a look at my post for a bit more light hearted.
Simon.

[JT69]

Hi Linworth,

Wondered how you were feeling today? I enjoyed the party and felt on top of the world but unfortunately woke up and feel terriable again. Just going to have a relaxing day and take it easy...need to get my head around what meds etc I should take for when I speak to my Gp on Tuesday.

Hope you feel good today hun. JO.xx

[linworth]

Hi jo,

glad u enjoyed it, how mad is this illness? at least we know there is hope, we have are good times.
Yes, the same with me, got up just waiting for it to come back, and guess what it did, spoke to my dad on the phone, he lives in bournemouth, and that relieved it a bit, had a few tears, I know what it is with me, i am just waiting for it to come back all the time, so it does. I am sat in the garden watching my two children having fun in the paddling pool, trying to shut it off, thinking what is wrong with me, this is my ideal day, nothing is wrong, but still its there.. But I am going to do what you are doing, just try and relax, have a barbie, some normality.

How old are you if you dont mind me asking? I am 39, got the dreaded 40 coming this year !!! have a good day :)

[linworth]

By the way you sound like me desperate for it to go, which is making it worse, i am going to go to this councellor (spell) on wednesday and take it from there about my meds,, i soooo dont want to increase.

[JT69]

Hi Lynne,

I am 47 this year!!! Eek so creeping up to the big 50!!! Dont feel it though (mostly). I love Bournemouth, its beautiful there.

Enjoy your day. Jo.xx