rape and the years after it

[Saor]

Hi all, firstly sorry if this is in the wrong category. I suffer with anxiety related depression, am going to CBT and coming off anti-d's a the moment. Why i'm posting is when I was 17 I was raped outside our local nightclub in the countryside, by a guy that was over on holidays a cousin of my friends. It was my first ever sexual experience. I've only started CBT so its coming up alot and its a the forefront of my brain most days now. I don't have nightmares anymore or anything like that but I act very strangely with sex which i've struggled to understand for years. I think i'm a contradiction and thinking this is making me feel worse. I don't know anyone else and very little of my friends know i was raped. I don't think they would have coped with the information back then (I'm 32 now.) My parents didn't know, and i never told the police or anything,. Some people did see me that night, my arms were and my white top wree covered in bloody handprints but i got my coat and forgot about it from then on. Until now.

Because i don't know anyone else or have never been to a support group or anhything i don't know if how i act is normal. I talk frequently about sex, tell dirty jokes, i'm totally emotionaless abut it i don't see it as personal or loving yet i want to have sex but the minute i get into the bed and the fooling around is over and it comes down to penetration (hate to sound so doctor like but u know what i mean) i swtich off,and go into actress mode. i find it so easy to talk about sexually related things with other people and men, very easy to discuss things with men but the minute it gets physical forget about it. I turn into someone else.

If any other women out there, are willing to share their experience in the aftermath of rape. I just don't know what to do with my head anymore. I'm terriiifed I'm never going to have a normal sex life, or relationship. I'm single so long now, and i know it's bcause of hte barrier i have up. The smart, sarcastic front, i push everyone away, i think they are all liars, or just want to f*ck u and leave u.

Sorry this message is so confusing. I just need to get it out of my head

[gladyscourt]

Hello sweetie. Now ive not been in a situation such as this before, but i can understand. I think people who have been through a traumatising event try to put a mask over what happend. Sometimes not even realising it. Maybe thats why you make jokes and are emotionless to it. You dont want to believe its real, you dont see any passion in it. Why would you after something like this happening to you. I think its more than likely quite normal behaivour for something like this. not everyone is out to hurt u or treat you bad. xxxxxxxx

[Saor]

Thanks Gladys. I guess maybe it's something that some people dont' want to talk about. I know myself since it took me so long to seek help. I just wantt o know if some women have come out the other side, like have normal relationships or will it always be weird :weep:

[keta]

Hi

I had similar experience when i was 16 but raped by 2 friends of my friend. I also never told police but did tell my mum and she blamed me for it that I got myself in situation like that. So since then i never talked about it untill last year when i was taking some counselling sessions, it was very painfull to talk about after almost 14 years.
To answer your question I think when you find the right partner sex will start feeling nice and ejoyable again, I think it's all about trust and how the other person makes you feel. Also it's good to talk about it as my counsellor said i need to go through the grieving process to get over it not just block it off in back of my mind.
Not sure if this helps but unlike my anxiety my sex life has been good for several years now. Apart from the periods on Citalopram like now, which can be a bumer.

Marketa

[verity]

Hi Saor, I was raped at 15 and it was also my first sexual experince.

I then went on to have a very funny additude towards sex.

Basically I did not connect it to love at all! Even the mention of the phrase 'making love' made me feel sick. Once I loved a sexual partner I then went off sex. As far as I was concerned I could not link sex and love at all. I saw sex as dirty and bad and even though there were times I could enjoy it or just did it to keep my boyfriend happy I found my sex drive drop when I really cared or loved the person. Well how can you do something dirty or bad with someone you loved? I kept the physical and the emotional separate.

As for turning into someone else, thats exactly what I did, I wasnt me I was someone else and that was so much easier in the begining when lust overrides emotions. Once I felt anything deeper and got to know my partner more I also found it harder to then turn into that someone else.

I have discussed it in my therapy and also just basically learned to see that love and sex can co-exist. It takes time but you can move on and learn to see sex as something loving and fun all at the same time

You need a partner that you feel you can trust and someone who doesnt take sex too seriously, bascially have fun!

It takes time but stick with the therapy you can and will start to heal and hopefully experience sex and love fully in the future

Good luck and take care hun
xxx

[Saor]

Hi Saor, I was raped at 15 and it was also my first sexual experince.

I then went on to have a very funny additude towards sex.

Basically I did not connect it to love at all! Even the mention of the phrase 'making love' made me feel sick. Once I loved a sexual partner I then went off sex. As far as I was concerned I could not link sex and love at all. I saw sex as dirty and bad and even though there were times I could enjoy it or just did it to keep my boyfriend happy I found my sex drive drop when I really cared or loved the person. Well how can you do something dirty or bad with someone you loved? I kept the physical and the emotional separate.

As for turning into someone else, thats exactly what I did, I wasnt me I was someone else and that was so much easier in the begining when lust overrides emotions. Once I felt anything deeper and got to know my partner more I also found it harder to then turn into that someone else.

I have discussed it in my therapy and also just basically learned to see that love and sex can co-exist. It takes time but you can move on and learn to see sex as something loving and fun all at the same time

You need a partner that you feel you can trust and someone who doesnt take sex too seriously, bascially have fun!

It takes time but stick with the therapy you can and will start to heal and hopefully experience sex and love fully in the future

Good luck and take care hun
xxx

Oh Verity that's exactly it, totally!!! Almost word for word. Sometimes I almost feel like a hooker during it, going through the steps in my head, making the sounds when required..when i've been in relationships in the past they've not ended well because i couldn't keep the acting up and it fell apart. Some men can't cope with it when I've told them and run a mile from me. It makes me sad that i have to wait until i find someone that loves me becuase it seems like such aremote possibility now. I know other peoiple have had worse experiences but i feel like i'm so damaged now no man wants aproject. I hope CBT helps me connect sex and love together, i don't see how. I feel so emotionless towards it it's like talking about the weather. I really really hope therapy works this time, i so want it to, i so want to be free

[verity]

Hi Soar, sorry its taken me long to reply I didnt see your reply duh! lol

Yes I can relate to the hooker bit, like disconected and totally unemotional.

You will find someone to love you, you really will it takes time and yes you can connect love and sex together, with a partner you trust and most of all who is man enuff not to run away.

It was really difficult for me to actually type the previous post, so thank you for giving me courage to speak out as I really related to what you said.

Keep up with the therapy and find a guy who is fun, lighthearted and understanding yep sex dont have to be all rose petals and candels to be connected to love lol

Just having sex with someone you love and being you and enjoying it as you is a big step towards recovery.

It is possible hun so dont lose hope, also when you are ready for a relationship take it slow as slow as you like, dont feel like you have to go all the way if you dont feel ready just to please him. That only adds to resentment and the feeling of being used and just a 'body'. Even he wont realise that you are feeling that way when the actress part comes out so its only fair you are true to your feelings and dont be ashamed of them.

When you have sex or any sexual contact because you want to then it feels very empowering and much easier to be yourself and connect.

I hope I have made sum sense lol

Take care

xxxxxx

[Saor]

no worries verity, and i appreciate it took alot for you to write that but believe me I am so glad you did. I have felt so alone and so f*cked up for years and thinking I was normal but never happy, you have no idea how much it helps me to know there is someone else feeling and thinking the exact same way. It makes it more believable that it was not our fault, and it wasn't something about us that made them do it.

you take care too, hope the future is bright for us
xxxxx

[Jaco45er]

Hi Soar

I am pretty sure it was a mistake, as the user is a longtime member and would not be in her character.

Apologies

Jaco

[nikki3158]

Hi Saor, I too was a victim of rape when I was 11. It took me till i was 14 to tell a teacher who then told my mum who then to be honest didnt really deal with it. I thought I had put it to bed and dealt with it untill 5 years ago when it raised its ugly head and I started having panic attacks. Im ok now and have dealt with it.

Sex was a big issue for me, but i went the other way almost. When I joined the army i just sort of went on a bit of a rampage and had sex with anyone. I felt totally worthless and degraded and by having sex it was like trying to confirm that people wanted to be round me. Confusing I know and almost a contridiction but that was a long time ago and now im married to a wonderful man (well most of the time..lol) for the last 15 years and have 2 fab children. I can talk to him about anything, he knows about my past and if there is something that makes me feel uncomfortable or uneasy then I just tell him. You will find someone who understands and loves you for who you are:hugs:

[london]

its not very pc but i think all sex cases should be put away from people like thay did with lepers ages ago the people who rape its not a illess as the as the gooders say thay hurt people for years and years thay have have no pity from me stay strong god bless saor xx