View Full Version : First week of Citalopram
Morning folks!
Just joined this forum this morning (Monday) after reading some of the posts and trying to find some solace in other's experiences of taking this med. I'm now on day 8 of taking Cit and this morning seems an improvement but the past week has been rough.
Last Monday when I went to the doc and he prescribed the meds I felt pretty much ok, my depression and anxiety were not that evident and I put this down to having the doctors appointment, it raised my spirits. Tuesday was not the best, felt incredibly anxious all day and eventually took a beta blocker to help calm myself in the evening. I'd been prescribed the beta blockers the previous week and got really desperate when they didn't have much effect on the mental anguish I was going through, but they helped to reduce the effects of the anxiety a little in the short term that night.
Wednesday was a little better, still had that awful anxiety buzz, my body felt tense but it was milder than the day before so I felt hopeful. The worst part of this is that the anxiety makes me distracted so I find it difficult to find ways to relax and it makes everything so urgent when my mind starts racing and I feel really desperate to find the off switch so I can stop feeling this way.
Thursday, as some of you will know, was a really hot, humid day which made me feel rough as hell. I was supposed to be doing some stuff for the local community radio station I'm currently volunteering for, but the guy I was working on that with didn't show and I was sat in the baking sun for half an hour which didn't help me at all. I ended up spending the rest of the day flaked out trying to cool down and stay hydrated after sweating like a race horse all morning.
Friday was the worst of the week, I had a really bad panic attack on the morning which jangled my nerves since I've not had anything that intense before. I got an appointment to see the doc within the hour and he told me that anxiety is often increased in the initial stages of taking Cit, which is something I'd already read here on this forum. I guess I just felt desperate to talk to someone about it and decided to take it as just one of the effects of my body getting used to the meds. I went over to a friends house that afternoon to watch a movie and chill out. At least it got a bit cooler by the time evening rolled around.
Saturday was an insight. The previous couple of days had drained me and I spent half the day laid in bed trying to relax and the rest just watching DVD's to try and numb my racing thoughts. I told my friend on skype that I now had some idea what people felt like when they were going through drug detox like you see in the movies. My anxiety and depression gave me a hard time but I eventually managed to relax and eventually went for a walk to get some air later in the evening even though it hadn't cooled down that much.
Sunday, a bad morning, my anxiety seemed to touch off with every thought and it took a great amount of effort to get myself out of the house and over to the Mind center where they hold an open drop in social thing. I've been going there just to get out of the house and meet a few people, my social circle is pretty limited, something that doesn't help much. I walked over to Mind, sat around in their open center for a couple of hours and had a chat with a few people I knew and some I didn't. The weather became a bit rainy as I headed home and I was thankful it was cooling down and not blazing sunshine (not a huge fan :D ). On the way home I took my friend's advice and got some camomile tea. He said it helps relax you and it's caffeine free so that will help the anxiety, and I think it did!
The worst part about Sunday was that my anxiety seems to descend on me as soon as I wake up. Once I swim into consciousness, my mind starts racing and that tension in my body stops me from simply rolling over and grabbing some more sleep as I usually do. That morning I'd gone to sleep about 1.30ish and woken up about 4.15 then laid their trying my best to get a bit more sleep without a great deal of luck. This left me feeling washed out and tired all day. I couldn't even snooze in the afternoon due to me being so uptight and tense from that low level of anxiety buzzing through me.
Now it's Monday, the weather is cooler, thank god, I managed to get a reasonable sleep, I think I even managed to roll over and go back to sleep after waking at stupid o'clock and I'm feeling a bit more up after having a short time feeling down and anxious after I woke up. It wasn't particularly strong compared to previous mornings and it faded after I took my Cit and a beta blocker before breakfast. Hopefully this is the first of my better days and I'll see a reduction in the panicky feelings. Maybe the camomile tea is better than I thought :D.
I'll post more as it goes on.
jaded jean
24-05-10, 12:27
Hi raindog.
You are describing pretty much what a lot of us cit takers go through,The first week or so can be pretty horrendous for some.It takes you down to hell then you slowley surface. Always remember to eat something when taking your citalopram as you an get the sicky feelings too and that seems to help. you might lose weight . you might put it on. but those can be ignored as you should just concentrate on getting better- one day at a time. Read Psyhco Poets citalopram guide to survival. It has EVERYTHING you need to know about it ( cit). Welcome to NMP .keep posting and you will find a lot of support on here as I have.
NB. Try cutting your caffeine intake right down, do it gradually or you will get withdrawal from that!!In doing this it helps reduce anxiety.
Take care keep strong-and take it one day at a time.:)
Jean
Thanks Jean,
I learned the lesson about taking my meds on an empty stomach, did that during last week and felt queasy when trying to eat a little while later, I have a bowl of porridge on a morning and take my meds just before I eat that now.
Yesterday (Monday) went ok, had a good afternoon out in the park recording stuff with the other guy volunteering. We wandered back over to his house and sat in the back garden enjoying the sun and the cool breeze. He and his girlfriend shared a few spliffs with me and I felt very relaxed and we all had a good chat about the world in general. I wasn't sure if I should have the joints but figured it was the first I'd had in about 18 months and hoped it wouldn't have too much of an adverse effect with my meds.
I feel a little down this morning, the depression has risen a little, but the anxiety isn't that strong so I can deal with it today. I just have this feeling of being lost in the world and not having any direction, which I think a lot of us feel these days, which is why there are so many people with depression. I don't have any family and only a few friends so not much of a support mechanism to help me get through all this and nobody to really fall back on when it all comes crumbling down around me so I'm just trying to get through each day. Not easy but I think I can make it somehow, it's just finding a reason to keep pushing on, that's what's taking time, finding motivation and a direction to head in.
I lost my job of 3 years end of last year and now I have to pull myself together to go through the process of finding another one but my anxiety has dragged me down and I've been just wrapped in it each day. Emails would come in about jobs and I'd feel that little panic rise up inside, everything felt like it would be so difficult to do due to my concentration being all over the place.
I'm into my 40's now and I feel that I've wasted a lot of time and potential and I've spent most of my life wandering from job to job, possibly due to problems related to my depression. Some days I wish I could be one of those happy drones that fits in, I've never felt like I fit in, or very few times at least. Does anyone else get that feeling?
jaded jean
25-05-10, 11:41
HI RAINDOG.
Every day I wish that I could just go to work and act normal like everyone else seems to. Keep posting on here to get support. Its helped me a hell of a lot . Be careful with the smoking tho as it could or will increase your anxiety levels. I went into my local charity shop this morning, they always ask how I am as I used to work there. By the time the coversation had finished I found I was going to be working on an afternoon on the till!!. So, what I intend doing is teling my doctor I need a few moe weeks so I can start interacting with the public again. Its never too late to start anything. You are wondering in and out of jobs. What I think is you should get your anxiety under control first, when you feel a bit mor comfortable with that look at volunteering , it gets you out and you are mixing with people and you retain your dignity.The most important part of this voyage is one step at a time . Its very early days for you , you might feel different every day, you will see postings on here about little habits we have started. whats this pain or this ache,why is this happening and its all generally down to te side effects of cit and or the anxiety.So keep coming on here and you will get the answers!!
Take care:noangel: Jean
I'm already volunteering at a local community radio station, I've been through and analysed my situation well before I got the anti d's and realised I needed to get out more, get more exercise, eat better (not easy when on benefits). I've started cutting down on the cigs, don't really drink much anyway so that's an easy one to avoid. Generally I've been heading in the right direction, which several people have told me, but when the anxiety hit it all felt like it was useless because I still felt crappy.
I'm feeling more positive after a crappy week, I just want to keep heading in this direction, even if it's just a bit each day for now, at least I'm not feeling so desperate and so wrapped up in my own need to break out of the feelings, which at least means I can concentrate on things a bit better and can start working on climbing out of this pit.
I've dealt with depression for over 12 years and I get a bout every so often so I'm able to handle that, but that anxiety caught me on the hop this time. Now I can sit down, relax a bit more and concentrate I might try a bit of writing to get things out of my head and give me some sort of focus over the next few weeks. I've heard of people heading down completely new roads in their life even when they thought they were too old so maybe I'll find I've got a bit of talent for the literary thing and get some enjoyment out of it.
Today is day 10 and I've had a couple of days of feeling much less anxious, it's still bubbling gently away in the back of my mind but I can handle the mild sense of nervous anticipation. I've had a few good nights sleep and last night was the best, I settled down to sleep not long after midnight last night and it took me a while to get comfortable but I drifted off before 1am I think and didn't know anything until 6am this morning when I started to wake up.
The best bit about not having that wave of anxiety wash over me when I wake up is being able to lay back and doze for a while, not feel like I have to be doing something right now to satisfy the nervous little demon running around inside.
I actually started doing a bit of writing last night, just a short story that bubbled up in my head while I was out for an early evening walk, so it's a good sign that my concentration is returning to a more stable level and I can sit down and do things without too much effort again.
So in all I feel like I've taken the first step to getting back to some sense of normality, it's easier this week and I hope this continues and I hope that those going through what I went through the past couple of weeks, the desperate feelings of being trapped and needing some help and reassurance, can tough it out and reach a point where you can see past those feelings.
Keep going folks, take heart.
Thursday and day 11. Another fairly level day out of the way yesterday. I'm feeling a little pressured as I've was asked by the people at the community radio station where I'm doing some volunteer work to help with the content for their bank holiday Beatles show and that has to be ready for Monday.
It's not a big deal since it only has to be roughly 15 minutes of information about the 'extra' members of the band and I can just gather most of that from the web along with playing a few related songs. Last week I was ready to tell them I was in no fit state to take part in this but thought I would wait to see how I felt this week and since I'm nowhere near as anxious as I was I think I can make it.
I think I gave a couple of other members on the site a bit of encouragement yesterday so hope things work out for them. The one downside to this morning is that I thought my IBS type symptoms were easing, but they came back again this morning. This is probably a result of the little bit of pressure I'm feeling from yesterday. I've had these symptoms for the past month or two since my anxiety started to build so I'm fairly sure it's related to that, so hopefully as my anxiety reduces so will these unpleasant symptoms. They have faded a bit for a couple of days over the past week or so only to return so I'm hoping that they'll eventually go once the meds start getting to work properly on my underlying anxiety.
For a while I was worried that my little bit of morning exercise was causing the symptoms. I became a complete shut in over winter and put on a fair bit of weight so bought one of those abdominal rollers to help me trim the tum. I've been doing a few sets of crunches using that each morning before I get ready for the day and it's helping to trim me down again so I can fit in my old clothes.
It did make me wonder if perhaps I'd damaged myself while doing those exercises when the IBS symptoms started, but I've had no real pain, nothing that would suggest I've twisted something or caused some injury inside, so I reckon it can only be the anxiety and Mr Chatterbox is making me think my exercise is to blame to pass the buck and make me feel bad about trying to get back into shape again. I would imagine there are others out there who have had similar experiences.
Still feeling a bit nervous about the getting back to work deal, but it's not a panicky thing like previous weeks and talking to the folks on the site makes me feel a bit less alone when I get home, so thanks to those who've passed the time with me and hope everyone starts feeling well soon :)
Hi Raindog, this too is my first week of taking 'Cit', my third day actualy. I feel like crap on a stick today, so low I can barely focus. I feel like a lead weight is pulling me down and I cant get up, not sure if this is normal or not. I have things I need to get done today but can't motivate myself to do them. I am 52 and allthough had problems years ago when I was younger, I thought those days were behind me but they've raised their ugly head gain. Mine is work related through working too many long hours and spending most nights away from home so it gives you time to ponder, which isn't a good thing.. I'll keep an eye on your posts to see how things improve for you. Hopefully things will for me too.
Start a thread yourself, it can help get your thoughts out a bit and can act like a form of self counselling, it's helping me to post my ramblings :D
I think a few of us here have gone through that loss of motivation, I've felt like I've lost all my direction in life over the past month, so I felt pretty lost all round really, like I was just going through the motions, looking for something to keep me going. My job history hasn't been great, moving from job to job, possibly because of underlying problems with my moods and attention drifting here and there.
I haven't had a bout of depression for 3 years while I was kept busy working but since I lost my job at the end of last year it's crept up on me again. It can hit you when you least expect it, anything can be a trigger. Have you tried any counselling yet? I think we all reach a point where we've struggled on alone long enough and it's time to face the problems we're having and try to deal with them once and for all.
This first week you're going through probably isn't going to be easy, but hold on and keep going. Like I said in your introductory post, you can use the forums here to vent, get encouragement and learn about what you're experiencing, and read PsychoPoet's Citralopam Survival Guide that is stickied at the top of this part of the forum, well worth a read and has helped me and quite a few others get their heads around some of what you may go through in the next week or so.
I'm sure you'll level out, it's just a matter of getting through the first week or so, it's different for everyone, but stay in contact and let us know what's going on when you can.
Spent the first couple of hours of this evening at the radio station helping the team do the show comprised of Beatle's cover tracks, followed by a couple of hours sat with some of the guys at a local pub, though no beer for me on these meds.
Just thought I'd share this rather cracking vid with those of you looking for something entertaining, it's a mash up of the Beatles 'Get Back', LCD Soundsystem and The Kinks. Well worth a watch and one of the best Beatles remixes I've heard yet. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPtWh5XjiH0
Day 12, Friday. Enjoying a nice bowl of milky porridge with a bit of honey for a little taste, it's a sunny morning and things seem ok. I have a very low level of anxiety but it's manageable, more just a slight bit of apprehension mixed with anticipation, not that horrible all consuming horror show that was wrecking me last week.
It was last Friday when I had the bad panic attack that completely freaked me out for about an hour afterwards. I'd had the low level anxiety running through me for a few weeks before that and I'd had a very minor panic attack, more of an elevation of the anxiety, just the week before. That took me to the doctors and onto some medication to help sort it. I knew the Citalopram would possibly increase my anxiety but when I was hit by that panic attack it scared the hell out of me.
I'm now hoping I can leave last week behind like a bad dream, never to have to go through that again, at least not if I can help it anyway. Onwards and upwards is what I hope for now :)
As Springsteen said, these are better days, so better days to everyone out there.
Saturday, day 13. My anxiety and depression were a little in evidence this morning when I woke up, nothing too strong but I could feel them creeping around the edges and I was able to tell them to push off, though they're still lurking in the corner somewhere.
This is probably cos I didn't follow the sleeping pattern I have started to follow, settling down to sleep around midnight for a few good hours sleep. I ended up staying up way past midnight since it's the weekend. I started watching a film flaked out in bed and felt a bit tired but then got past being tired and ended up finally getting to sleep about 3am. I think part of me wanted to see if I would be awake around 6 or if I could sleep past that. One of the little pleasures I've enjoyed this week is being able to roll over and go back to sleep for an hour or so when I woke quite early in the morning.
I woke up around 7am or thereabouts then, without really thinking about it, must have drifted off for another hour or so as I then woke up sometime around 8 - 8.30, which was a pleasant surprise. But the anxiety did make itself known when I was rousing from sleep and chances are it's down to me not getting to sleep early enough.
It may also be because it's the weekend and for the past couple of weeks, Saturday and Sunday haven't been the most pleasant of days for me. Last weekend I was mostly sat around trying to keep cool and feeling really washed out, the weekend before I was just desperate for help and reassurance, as you are when experiencing anxiety.
Not much I need to do today so I can try and relax a bit. I have some info to put together for the bank holiday beatles show I'll be participating in on Monday, but I can put that together over the next day or two. I have to go over to another of the volunteer's houses tomorrow so we can edit some interviews we did in the park on Monday, but that's really it for my weekend. It sounds action packed doesn't it :D
One of the guys that works at the community radio station is turning out to be a bit of a dick, his attitude is if he doesn't agree with what you say or what music you like, etc, then you're wrong and he just starts calling it crap like a spoilt 5 year old. Myself and Stu, who was with me in the studio yesterday covering for the regular DJ, had to put up with him acting a bit weird and somewhat childish and that's not helped my mood. Some people make you brood about their inconsiderate actions.
Generally feeling fine, so will keep on keeping on, which is all you can do in the end. Better days for everyone out there.
loulabella
30-05-10, 00:11
:) Smiles for you sugar. Hope your tucked up to get your 40 winks! ;) x
Hi Lou,
Actually I was, I flaked out in bed to watch some CSI on TV and around 11.30 thought I'd settle down to sleep and was out like a light til about 7am this morning, so a good nights sleep.
I did feel the anxiety nudging it's way in when I was waking up, that wave of tension starting to wash through me but I knew the sign and was able to tell it to push off again, a vast improvement over the past few weekends where it's got it's hooks deep into me and kept them there right through the day. I still feel it bubble under when I start thinking about applying for jobs and my depression wanders through telling me that I'm not getting any responses to the applications I've made because they think my CV isn't good enough, blah blah blah.
Still, shouldn't complain really consider that it's Sunday and only day 14, some of you folks go much longer before you feel much improvement so hats off to you for lasting with your anxiety for that long, I'm just relieved that I felt the improvement after the first week.
I actually spent most of yesterday sat around the house working on stuff for the Beatles show on Monday and chatting to a couple of people like Lou and SaltyDawg, just passing the time and giving Salty a bit of reassurance since he's having a rough first week on the Citralopram, poor guy. Give him a little help with a kind comment if you drop by his diary post he put up this morning, he needs it this week.
I put my hat on yesterday and enjoyed a bit of a walk in the light rain that was coming down, it was quite refreshing in a way after the heat of last weekend. Sometimes it's the little things that make you feel happy, it's such a shame the world is so obsessed with money and things that really don't matter so much in the long run. The fast pace of life and all the paperwork we feel we need just makes me want to go back to simpler times without all the stuff we think is important these days.
Anybody else get that?
loulabella
30-05-10, 10:52
Yes, early days hun and look how far you have come in 2 weeks, think where you could be in another 2 - sorry it's only short, parents arrive from Canada today and was mums bday this week so frantically making stuff for a little party before we go to the airport! x
I'm feeling a bit tempted to take a propanolol today to take off the slight edge of tension. I've been taking one each morning all this week and decided not to yesterday so I didn't feel dependent on them and I would know if the Cit was working well enough, but I think I may take one just for today and see how it goes, my shoulders are aching from the tension that I've had over the past few weeks and I've got that buzz of anxiety, nothing major but I really just want to relax today.
Hope everything goes fine picking the parents up from the airport, you told me about the hassles you'd be having with that today, so hopefully it will all go smoothly for you.
Hi this is my first time on here and I have just taken my first Citalopram 20mg, I have a phobia about vomiting so I am bricking it as I have read that so many people get sick taking it, I'll probably worry myself into it anyway, I'm loathed to take anything at all but sometimes you just have to go with it. It all sounds pretty horrendous and from what I have read I can quite understand now why the Doctor signed me off work for 2 weeks, have to say I am not looking forward to the coming week.
Hi Sadie,
I wouldn't worry about the vomiting too much, you may have a few tummy problems but I've not had anything like that, just a bit too much acid from the anxiety really, and you can ease that with some milk or Rennie.
Welcome to NMP anyway, you might try starting your own daily diary thread like mine. It helps to get things out, like how you feel and the symptoms you're having and others can offere advice and encouragement to help you get through it. Plus it's good to read back as you progress and see how you have progressed since those first weeks, others may find it useful, as you've hopefully found mine a bit of use.
And don't be afraid to have a good old moan about things, venting helps you feel a bit better and feeling like you aren't the only one going through this can give you the strength you need to get through. The first few weeks may not be easy, everybody is different, some barely see any side effects while others have them for a while before the Cit starts really getting to work and calming things down. Take heart and have a read of PsychoPoet's Citalopram Survival Guide (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=46980), it helps lots of people realise that they can make it through when the going gets tough.
There are plenty of us here to help you out and anyone else who is feeling worried about taking this medication, so keep posting and you'll get to know some of us and feel like you're getting there.
Thanks for your advice raindog, I appreciate it and it's good to know that others have been there and done it, though to me it all sounds a bit scary, I took my first pill this morning at 1030 and so far I haven't felt anything out of the ordinary not sure how long it will be before I start to experience some of the side efforts or maybe none who knows, if I wasn't keeping myself occupied I would probably be imagining all sorts of things.
I have already been experiencing slight nausea at times, ringing in my ears, dizziness and light headedness, impaired vision and extreme tiredness so may not notice a difference with the pills.
Take care
I've started to get itchy lumps come up on my arms and legs, they're like insect bites, I don't have a cat or dog so it can't be flea's and I haven't been out of the house today; has anyone else had this happen or is it just a coincidence ?
That may be the anxiety, I've had similar symptoms since mine started. I thought it might be the cat owned by the guy downstairs since she sometimes wanders around the building and pops in to say hi, but I now think it's possibly an effect from the anxiety making me get them.
It could be tied to high blood pressure, which I've had, but who knows for sure. Hope you have a smooth ride these first weeks, but we'll see as the week goes on. Keep in touch and start a diary, even if you have no side effects you can let others know that worrying about them isn't necessary.
Monday 31 May 2010, week 3, day 15 of taking Ciralopram. It seems to have gone so fast, I'm on week 3 already, but then the time does seem to slip by that bit quicker as you get older. I feel like I've had a minor dip over the past couple of days, my depression making me feel a little down and my anxiety trying to nudge in a little bit when I wake up. Nothing I can't handle though now, at least I don't feel swamped like I did a couple of weeks ago.
While I was laid in bed a little while ago, my mind started going down that negative road a bit, thinking about having struggled for all these years and not having much to show for it, no job, still living in a little bedsit flat, making me feel useless and a loser, like I don't every really fit in with what's going on around me.
I got up and I've just finished breakfast, which has helped a bit. I realise that I have gotten my degree and skills I can put to use so it's not like I have absolutely nothing to show. I still feel like I don't quite belong somehow, like I've always been snubbed, ignored, excluded and left aside. I've come to terms with that over the years, figured there might be some design to it perhaps but it still makes you feel alone sometimes when you look back. A lot of it may be simply imagined, just people being a bit insensitive, but I think this is the reason I'm a little reluctant to open up to others at times, feel a little awkward and take my time feeling comfortable with people I've just met. I'm happy to talk to new people, but it's that line between talking to them and being relaxed enough to be just yourself. At times like this, when I'm going through depression, I wonder if they see me as a bit wild eyed and loony, which probably isn't the case but you are never sure how others see you. It's this thought that makes me wonder if it's affected some of the jobs I've had and if it's contributed to me wandering from job to job, have they let me go in the past because they didn't feel comfortable with me in the workplace?
I know my sense of humour can be a bit random and, at times, darker than some, and I am a bit moody at times when I feel strongly about something, like my work. I guess life's a learning experience sometimes and I have to try not to be so precious about things and take it easier. I think I've just spent a lot of my life looking for somewhere I feel like I belong and some direction in life which is why I feel like I've got not much to show for all my time. I have the ability to learn things quickly but I always seem to have taken my time to get started, so maybe my life is just following that pattern, perhaps it's just around the corner after years of trying, I might finally find that direction I feel I lack right now.
Anyone out there got some direction going spare I could use for a while :D
Better days people.
loulabella
31-05-10, 09:43
Listen dude, chuck your random dark humour here! I'm a forensic psychologist. My mind is full of black!!! I'll chuck some back if you like! I'm so dark I'm on the gym in a bike looking at NMP! Lol x
Morning Lou,
I'm just getting myself ready to go over to CVFM, the little radio station I volunteer at, to do the last Beatles show for the bank holiday. That should help take my mind off things.
Anyone interested in having a listen can visit CVFM's Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Middlebrough-United-Kingdom/Community-Voice-FM/71070649621?ref=ts&ajaxpipe=1&__a=8) and use the ustream link below the logo. We'll be doing the Beatles show from 1pm til whenever we finish really, however long it takes.
Feeling a bit tired this morning but I have most of the weekend, I think the cloudy weather has contributed to that, plus this past week has been the first for a while that I've started getting a decent nights sleep and being able to wake up without the anxiety digging it's claws in the moment I become conscious.
At least things feel manageable after being on the Cit for a few weeks, thanks for posting and keep going yourself, sounds like you're doing ok so far.
I just sent in an email request for a Beatles track dedicated to everyone here on the NMP forums, so use the link above to have a listen after 1pm or send us a request at beatlescvfm@gmail.com for a request of your own, we'd love to hear from you guys.
hi raindog,just had my 7th day of 10mg of citalopram,i feel worse than i did before i started taking them for anxiety,doctor gave me 7 days worth of diazepam to take the edge off the heightened anxiety,but i havn't taken them.how long was it before u started feeling better?cheers.
loulabella
31-05-10, 17:58
Yea, I am doing ok.... didn't take a D until about 3pm today - weyhey! Im tired too hun, but seems better today than recent days - think when u run on adrenaline for so long, then calm down a little the tiredness from the anxiety is often blamed on the meds.... My trapizius muscle is shot from last week - hot bath tonight me thinks! x
Hi Shaun,
The first 7 days of my journey were the worst, it was the following Monday, day 8 when I found I had levelled out enough to not feel so horribly desperate, it was like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. Everybody is different and you may take longer to feel that lifting of your mood, some take a while longer, but hopefully you'll get that first good day soon.
I know about the tiredness Lou, my shoulders ache from the tension my muscles were under while I was feeling so anxious and I've been tired all weekend despite getting plenty of sleep. It does wear you out running at that speed all the time.
Better days to you two.
Tuesday, day 16. I enjoyed my breakfast so much I almost forgot to take my pill. Decided to take a Propanolol as well since I've still got this little undercurrent of anxiety that showed itself yesterday when we were getting the Beatles show started. There was some confusion and several conversations going on at once which made me feel a bit tense, but that eased once things calmed down.
After the show we headed to a pub near my house and we sat in the sun on the grass and had a good chat about stuff. I made sure I only drank soft drinks, but that doesn't bother me much anyway since I've not been much of a beer drinker for some years, I enjoy one now and then but can easily get by without.
A friend offered to coach me in transcendental meditation, which sounds interesting. That may help me relax more and help me find some sort of focus that I feel I've lost. Right now I feel like I'm just floating around, no direction to go in, no idea what I really want in life, just wandering with nothing in sight to really give me any idea of where I'm going.
Saltydawg suggested I should become a counsellor after helping him over the past few days with his first tough week of taking Citalopram. Not sure if I'm cut out for that, I often need counselling myself, which reminds me I should try and get in for a counselling session at the Mind drop in service this week, didn't get chance last week with things being so busy.
So there we go, still feeling a bit messy all round, the depression and anxiety are at much lower levels now so that lets me function without the horrible desperation, but it's going to be a long road back to whatever is supposed to be normal. Getting back into the rat race isn't something I really relish to be honest, all that working for idiots and such, but having some spare cash would be nice.
If anyone body wants to fit a large cat flap in their door, I'm almost house trained :D
justagirl_
01-06-10, 20:30
I'm on day two of taking cit now, and am feeling awful. Felt dizzy, headache, dry mouth, even more anxious than normal and as for the depression...i've literally just wanted to stay in bed alllll day. This is really tough but I'm hoping it gets better :(
Hi Justagirl,
It does, trust me, might take a week or two but it does, just grit your teeth and hold on tight. Few bits of advice for you to help you get through:
Get some camomile tea, it's decaf and really helps you feel more relaxed, which is really nice before bed.
If you like bananas, eat 'em, they have B vitamins that help with anxiety.
Don't have any alcohol as it can have adverse effects over the following day or two of you enjoying a drink, certainly within this initial period when the Cit is possibly making your anxiety worse before it gets better.
Go for walks, even if you don't feel too great, just a quick walk round the block can clear your head a bit and help brighten your mood.
Keep posting and even start your own diary thread if you feel up to it, helps you see how you've improved and helps others who follow.
It's only day 2 for you, you may get lucky and not suffer too much before you level out, hope that's how it is but even if it's not that easy, let us know, keep us posted. There is plenty of support and advice here on NMP, and welcome to the site, hope you find it helpful.
justagirl_
01-06-10, 21:51
Thanks for the advice Raindog, I will try those out. Seem to be having a lack of appetite as well..which isn't good and I think is adding to the feeling dizzy!
At least its a different sort of feeling to the anxiety for the time being even though I can feel myself being very anxious!!
I'll go for a walk tomorrow and see how that goes, hope the weather is better!
I'll post tomorrow after day 3 hald way through the first week..
Justagirl_
Wednesday, day 17. Well, what a development. Went to the radio station yesterday, did my little stint with Stuart hosting the community focus show we'd been working on and it went well. I left the station around 3ish and was just heading home when my phone rang.
It was a friend of mine from university who asked me if I was looking for work, which I am. He said there was a job going at the place where he works and was I interested, which I was since it was doing the sort of thing I've been doing for the past few years. I said I'd send my CV off to him as soon as I got home.
Once I'd sent that off he rang me and said I had an interview Thursday at 3pm, which made me happy. This is the only interview I've had since I lost my job at the end of August last year, so I feel like I'm getting somewhere now instead of sitting about like a complete lemon.
Weird thing is that my friend is on my FaceBook friends list and I rarely bother with FB but I dropped in there for some reason a few weeks ago and for no real reason I poked this friend who called me yesterday and he poked back. Maybe that acted as a reminder I was still here when he was thinking who might be good for the job.
Feeling a bit nervous this morning but I've been using my little mantra thing to stop my mind spinning too much, but generally feeling hopeful. A few weeks ago I panicked just from emails about jobs so it's an improvement that I feel more positive and ready to dive back into work. Let's see how it goes tomorrow. Right now I need to go buy a pair of trousers that fit me for the interview, I still haven't lost enough weight to fit into some of my older ones, but at least I'm not as big around the waist as I was a few months ago so another improvement there.
If I can get this job it will help drag me out of the funk I've been in, give me something to focus on each day and put some money in the bank, which hasn't helped while out of work. I'll be able to get out a little more and have some spare cash to head out to places for things to do, join in when friends go places and such, maybe even meet up with a few of the NMP members around the north east for one of the get togethers that might be planned.
This is often how things play out for me, I go for ages trying to get a job then one appears out of the blue from left field and catches me on the hop, same thing happened 3 years ago when I first took Citalopram, was only on the meds for a week or so then managed to get a job shortly after and been working up until the end of last year.
Like I said, you never know what's just around the corner, could be good, could be bad, I often find that something good finds me after I've been through the bad, so I'm hoping I've earned enough Karma going through this to give me the something good.
Will keep you posted. Better days for you all.
Thursday 3rd, day 18. Woke up some time after 5am, dozed for a while then decided to get up around 6ish and see if anyone was around online I could chatter to in order to help my nerves. I have my job interview at 3pm and feeling naturally nervous. Thank god it wasn't a couple of weeks ago or I'd be panicking :D
Nobody around in the chat room at the moment of writing this so figured I'd expend some of my energy adding a post to my diary, not that I have much to say this morning. It is a nice sunny morning and I'm feeling pretty good generally, I'll be feeling even better if I get this job, I tell you!
I've been smoking a bit more this week than last, but it's been pretty busy and I've been pushing myself a bit this week to get things done and feel better about beating the anxiety I had about doing those things in previous weeks, plus knowing I had this job interview for the past day or two has made me a bit jumpy. I'll get back to cutting down once this is done and dusted.
Hope everyone has a good day today.
Oh the suspense!!!!!
I was just getting ready to go to my interview when I got a phone call from the company I'm being interviewed by to ask if I could reschedule my interview for 2.30 tomorrow afternoon, as another interviewee had been held up or something. Fine by me I guess, but it does delay the agony just a bit longer :D
Oh well, another morning of being twitchy I suppose, hope it's worth it in the end. Some days you just wonder don't you.
Friday, day 19. Sunny morning, woke up about 6ish and managed to doze for a while but felt nervous about the interview, maybe a bit worse than yesterday probably because of the wait. I would have preferred to get it out of the way yesterday but there you go.
I eventually had to get up when a wasp or some large fly flew in through the open window and started doing the usual wandering around the room in confusion looking for the exit again. It buzzed off and I decided that I was awake so would hop online and see who was awake on NMP in the chat room.
At least a bit of banter with the folks in there has helped calm my nerves a bit so thanks for that peeps, and breakfast was very nice today, I'm really getting to like my morning porridge.
At least I don't have to rush out to sign on today then rush back to get ready for the interview and the weather may be a little cooler up here today, so I won't feel so hot in my jacket on the way over there.
Hope people are doing well, and for those going through a rough time, better days to you.
Good luck with the interview! Think of your fellow no more panickers when you are in there. We're rooting for you. :yesyes:
Saturday, day 20.
This has come around fast, it looked so far away during that first week and now I find myself here, thoroughly enjoying my breakfast of milky porridge and actually a bit glad it's starting to cloud over, might help it cool down a bit today. Sorry if you're living around the Teesside area and wanted blazing sunshine today, looks like it's going to be a bit more hazy than the past couple of days.
I woke up feeling a bit anxious and down, negative thoughts creeping, was I going to get the job, did they think I was good enough, thinking about all the things I could have done better, yadda yadda yadda....
Oh well, if I don't get it I don't get it, big deal in the end, it would have just been nice to get the confidence boost and the monthly wage too :D
One good thing was that on the way home from the interview yesterday I got a phone call from an agency with another job prospect, so even if this one doesn't pan out, there is still that to look to. In some ways I'm glad now that I didn't have my interview on Thursday, even this short wait to see if I get the job or not isn't great, so in a way they did me a favour :)
Hope everyone has a good weekend, and better days to you :)
Sunday, day 21. Almost week 4 already, time does fly when you're...er.. yeah, anyway :D
I almost forgot to do my daily post, I had a nice lazy Sunday morning and enjoyed my breakfast so much I almost forgot to take my Cit tablet. Had quite a decent day yesterday, sitting outside a pub with a couple of friends in the shade, then heading home and joining in the Saturday night quiz in the chat room, bit of a laugh and helps you get to know a few people.
Today I wandered over to the Mind center where they have an open social event on a Sunday afternoon and late afternoons a couple of days a week. I hadn't been for a couple of weeks and thought I'd show my face so they didn't think I'd just vanished.
The rain was coming down on the way there and back but I just put my hood up and ignored it. The walk through the park both ways was quite nice since there was hardly anyone in there today with the weather and the fact that there was a free live music festival going on in the town, which I decided to avoid since it's not as good as it was a few years ago while I was here at Uni.
Still waiting to hear about the job I went for on Friday, hopefully I'll hear tomorrow, just wait and see. Apart from that not much happened today, but it is Sunday so what do you expect.
Better days people.
And welcome to week for of my Citalopram journey folks!
Monday, day 22, enjoying my morning bowl of porridge and actually remembered to take my Cit pill this morning before I eat so that's something :D
I think the past few days have been a very minor dip with my anxiety, but that was probably a combination of the heat affecting me and having a job interview on Friday and waiting to hear about it. Getting back to work was a big trigger for my anxiety so I'm not surprised that I'm getting that flutter of it at the moment, but at least it's just a flutter and nothing I feel is going to overwhelm me like before.
Talking to a friend of mine from NMP in the chat room earlier and we were discussing how anxiety makes you need constant reassurance and a feeling of security. We even talked about wanting to be bundled up and taken away where we would be looked after and everything that we felt we were facing each day would be taken care of. I often wished I was on some hospital ward getting my meals cooked for me, not having to deal with the daily grind I found so tough when my anxiety was in full effect, no job worries, no money worries, having someone around to tell me it was ok when I woke up so early in the morning feeling gripped by the anxiety.
My friend admitted that they asked to be sectioned and I had to admit that if I'd gone on much longer, I probably would have tried that myself, seeing it as an escape from struggling through each day. It was like a memory I kept having of my mum when I was maybe 6 years old, I had some illness, just a bug as kids get, but I was feeling worn out and achy. She sat me on her knee and cuddled me while she rocked me to sleep. I think that memory kept popping up because that's what I wanted to go back to, no responsibilities, no worries, none of the usual day to day worries, just me wrapped in misery but feeling comfortable because someone was there to help and give me reassurance.
I'm sure lots of us who've been through anxiety have been down this road, wanting someone to wave that magic wand and for all our problems to go away. I'm glad I started taking the Cit, it's gotten me to the point where I don't feel so desperate for the reassurance, for the magic wand to take it all away, I've found the strength to deal with it myself mostly. The Citalopram takes the edge off so I can get on with my life and maybe look at dealing with the underlying issues that brought me here in the first place.
That was all a bit deep wasn't it, I need a cuppa now :p
Better days for you.
loulabella
08-06-10, 14:02
Hey you...
I've been there, getting to the point of asking to be locked away - more for a break and to be away from 'normality' whilst I adjust to not being 'normal'. Thing is, if we ask, we're prob doing OK. The worry is when somebody should def be sectioned, as has no idea of it at all...
Smile :)
Hi Lou,
That sounds like the old one that goes, 'if you can question your own sanity then you're probably still sane'. My wanting to be taken away for a while was purely desperation and feeling like I couldn't cope.
I watched a documentary a couple of weeks ago on BBC2, during my first week of good days on the Cit, about 3 men with mental health issues, some of you reading this may have seen it too. One was schizophrenic and had been sectioned for a while. I remember seeing him sat in the secure unit he was staying in and thought to myself 'a week ago I would have been so jealous of that guy, being in that mental health unit, being taken care of and having his meals cooked and so on' and realising that I was obviously making progress as I didn't feel jealous but could look back and see how I would have been when I was desperately anxious.
Well it's week 4, Tuesday day 23 and feeling good. I also went to get my blood pressure taken at Lloyds pharmacy yesterday, a month after my first test and my BP had dropped into the high normal range, which is good news after it being above that on the last visit. My weight has also gone down too, so heading in the right direction at least, just need to leave the custard creams alone :p
I went back to the doc for my follow up appointment, told him how it's helping. He seemed pleased about me having found No More Panic and took a note of the site so he can pass it on to others who might find it useful. He took my BP and that was the same as the reading the day before, 140/90, so looking good. He put me on repeat prescription for the Cit, which I expected and I'm happy with that for now.
He told me he'd referred me to a psychiatrist as I'd requested so that I can get a diagnosis as to whether I'm bipolar or not. I'm not sure I am not but it doesn't hurt to know either way. I wasn't sure if he had referred me since I've not heard anything since my first appointment, but it looks like it's just the waiting list that's causing the delay. No big deal really.
Still waiting to hear about this job, but I'm still hopeful, be good to get back to work now, I feel ready for it after feeling panicky about getting back into work, chomping at the bit you could say.
Feeling much more energized and ready to go, just hope this continues cos I enjoy feeling like I want to do things a bit more :)
Better days people
Almost forgot the dream I had just before I woke up this morning, it was about the place I was working at a couple of years ago. I started there about 3 years ago and was working with a couple of guys in a small software team who had graduated from the same uni as me. This went on for about a year then suddenly our team leader told us that he had gotten a job working for Formula 1 racing on their databases and was heading down to Kent. That left myself and the other guy that had started just before me. It wasn't long before he handed in his notice and went off to a better paid job, which wasn't difficult since the skinflint we worked for was paying us pitiful wages for what he was getting. I eventually decided to get out too and moved onto a better paid job that lasted me til August last year.
The dream was of me being told to leave that first job and finding that the boss and his cronies had been going through my stuff, helping themselves and breaking stuff they didn't want. I don't remember the exact details but I do remember feeling quite humiliated by them and just gathering what I could to leave, but this being a dream I didn't just walk out, it went on for some time with them calling me names and being generally nasty about me being sacked.
Hopefully this was just part of my healing process, me getting over my anxiety about work, my mind getting out the bad thoughts in one crappy little dream from my subconscious. It certainly feels like it did me some good as I feel a fair bit more positive today, so don't be worried by bad dreams like mine, it could be just your minds way of removing negative thoughts.
Better days people :)
Day 1 for me....Just started on Citralopram (10mg) for the second time.
Been depressed and/or panic attacks to varying degrees since 2002, previous episode in 1995 cleared up with propranolol. 2 kids since then, settled family, working away so I'm functional. But it's impossible to put the continual anxiety and catastrophising to one side and panic attacks have limited flying in the past. The fear has transferred itself from one thing to another, originally flying, then being stuck away from home, then being stuck on bridges, then being stuck on a ferry or boat, then creeping dread in the darker months and obsessive daylight table watching.....and so on! All to do with possible catastrophies when I might lose control. But it's been a gradual wearing down as well, continual anxiety and what seems like low-level depression...I can still enjoy life and function at times, but the needle always seems to slip into the same weary old groove....
First time I tried Citralopram was 2 years ago, prescribed 20mg but the increase in anxiety was too much. I stopped after 1 tablet. Current doctor was surprised I went straight to 20mg for anxiety...
This year has been mostly positive, until recently, started running late last year and that made a difference. Ran a half marathon, but a calf strain has cut back running over the last few weeks. It felt as if things were building up again, anxiety ramping up from the low level background that is always there. So, off to doctor who talked through this new course of action. 10mg Citralopram, one month's supply, plus propranolol for the early days.
Effects (side effects) have been noticeable but moderate...dry mouth, tight jaw, yawning all day, vague feeling. Some plusses....I found I was able to concentrate at work better. In fact, feel quite good....for the moment....but it's getting late, so I took a propranolol 80mg SR capsule a couple of hours ago in the hope I won't be lying in bed fighting surges of anxiety over the next 8 hours!
I understand that it takes 3hrs to build up in blood plasma, 36hrs to reduce by half and a week to get up to the required level (about 2.5 times greater than the first dose). I'm hoping that day 2 side effects may be less noticeable but suspect they may be slightly worse as the levels are topped up each day....is there a point you forget you are taking them? Also, is there a black dog lurking round the corner, or a big cloud just over the horizon?
But, assuming I stick this out, the key question seems to be: what next?
I'd prefer not to take a pill a day for a prolonged period.
Are there any other reinforcing therapies or treatments that could be consolidated during what I hope will be a period of positive calm? I tried CBT but found it didn't help much...other than a 'fear of flying course' I undertook separately. Running has helped in the meantime, so I'm keen to keep this up. Maybe other techniques...meditation, relaxation, natural remedies? I've cut out coffee and will ditch alcohol for the next few weeks to see if that makes a difference...I tended to binge on a couple of bottles of wine per week in search of that pleasant buzz that passes for relaxation.
Last night rubbish...surges of panic and general dread until 3am...will try and get other meds to cover these until this dies down...doc mentioned these. Ok when up and about.
Hi JTD,
First off welcome to NMP, you've made a start by looking for advice and there is plenty here along with people to offer a bit of support.
As you've probably already read, if you read through the whole of my rambling thread here, the side effects can get worse during the first week or two, if you read through the Citalopram Survival Guide that is stickied at the of of the Cit forum you can read up on what you might expect and find some further info on how it will affect you .
It's a wise idea to drop the alcohol for now, it can make your anxiety worse and can interrupt the meds doing their job. If you want something to help you relax a bit try some camomile tea or bananas, they've helped me, plus you have the running, which is a great way to help fight your anxiety and depression.
As far as the long term goes, the meds are only there to get you so far, help you level out so you can deal with the underlying issues in the long term without the anxiety controlling your life. Ask your GP about CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) which helps you to think more positively, I'm looking at trying it now that I'm feeling more positive and ready to move on from this. You can get a referral from you GP for CBT or contact your local Mind (http://www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area) as they may offer CBT counselling too.
More information about therapies and natural remedies can be found elsewhere in the forums (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=3), there are a number of therapies out there that you could check out, CBT is just one of the ones I've been told about.
Maybe if you try starting a diary thread of your own to help get things out a bit, I found it very therapeutic and people are kind enough to offer supportive comments when you don't feel too great, so give it a try. The good thing about NMP is that you realise it's not just you and there are plenty of us willing to offer advice and help.
Better days for you JTD :)
Thanks for the words of reassurance Raindog! It took 3 days or so to settle down after giving up after 1x 20mg last time....so it makes sense to continue now anyway! Days are actually OK, its the nights that seem bad. Other effects feel less noticeable today, 2hrs after pill no 2.
Well you don't seem to be alone in that one JTD, I know of a few people having trouble with sleeping at night on Cit, one of my friends was prescribed amitriptyline to help her sleep. Some people take their Cit at night as well, so you could try that. Let us know how it goes anyway, hope you get sorted out soon :)
Week 4, Wednesday, day 24. Not a great nights sleep, first interrupted nights sleep for a few weeks actually, but this was thanks to some plank outside yelling his head off at someone, I assume the person being yelled at was in a car as I heard one drive off moments later. So that woke me up at stupid o'clock in the morning and I lay awake for a while then eventually drifted back to sleep, but it still felt like I hadn't quite got a full nights sleep when I woke up.
Probably didn't help that the weather is lousy today, grey clouds, rain, bit on the chilly side. After chatting to a few other NMP'ers it seems I'm not the only one feeling a bit tired and shiftless today.
I was going to go help Stuart with the radio show we were going to cover today, but he's called and said he's got loads of stuff to deal with and I really don't feel like sitting and talking on the radio for 2 hours this afternoon so we'll look at doing that tomorrow probably.
Just one of those days when I can't be bothered really, not feeling down, just in the mood for a bit of a laze about really :D.
Was good to hear from Saltydawg, I sent him a message asking if he was ok when I hadn't seen him online for a few days, he's still having a tough time with getting used to the Cit but hopefully he'll be feeling ok soon. And good to hear Jaded Jean got a better nights sleep last night too after trying her new meds. Also hope everything goes fine for Loulabella today too, she's been stressed about her operation today.
Better days people :)
Feel grand right now. Concerned about night time, but fine during the day at the moment.
good night's sleep last night...busy day, hot bath, cup of chamomile tea.pill 3 coming up.....
Good to hear that JTD, enjoy the camomile, it does help :)
So, its week 4, Thursday, day 25. Chugging along nicely, got a decent nights sleep after falling asleep watching the telly. Day started grey and yucky again, but breakfast and a bit of time in the chat room cheered me up though I took a while to wake up, but that's just the weather.
Got a few bits done during the morning then got ready to head to CVFM, the radio station I volunteer at ( http://cvfm.org.uk/ ). By the time I was ready to leave the house it had at least stopped raining, so that was better than yesterday. Myself and Stuart blagged our way through 2 hours of show, making it up as we went along and that went pretty well. We also managed to do some calls regarding our next community issues show next Tuesday, so a fairly productive afternoon really.
Had a stroll down to the Mind center after 4.30 for their open social hours, had a chat with some of the folks there then wandered home for a bite to eat. Actually saw some blue sky and a hint of sun on the walk back through the park so that's hopeful for the weekend :)
Just off to chat with my Loulabella to see how she's doing so hope everyone had a good day and I'll be back to post more rambling rubbish tomorrow more than likely.
Better days folks :)
Friday, day 26. Finding it difficult waking up this morning, but hey, that's better than laying awake at 6 in the morning gripped by anxiety eh?
Heading to the radio station to cover for the regular DJ with Stuart this afternoon, so if anyone fancies a listen in you can listen online by visiting the station website http://cvfm.org.uk/. Send us a request if you like and we'll try and play it for you :)
Other than that not much happening today, just getting better bit by bit I think. Almost finished my first run of Citalopram and got the prescription for the next lot, will pick that up over the weekend. For those of you just starting out on this journey, keep going, it is worth the effort of getting through that first week or two just to be free of the desperation so you can start moving on.
Better days people :)
Hi Raindog
I've probably started my tabltes at a same time like you as i finished my first box yesterday and second one is waiting for me in a cupboard.
Only on 10 mg but i do feel bit calmer so hope all on a good way again
:yesyes:
Keta
Hi Keta,
Good to hear that you're feeling more together, it gives you the space to deal with the ups and downs that still occur even with the meds in effect. Think mine still have a way to go before they're fully effective, but I'm getting there too.
Not feeling terribly motivated today, took me a while to wake up this morning and even then wasn't feeling quite as chipper as yesterday, but it's Friday early evening so stuff it, I don't need to worry about feeling motivated until tomorrow now :D
Have a good night people, see you tomorrow no doubt.
Just thought I'd share this with people on NMP, it's a social networking site for people in hospital or care of any sort, I put a post about it in the Useful Links forum, take a look.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=76398
Saturday, day 27. Lazy, lazy day, sat on my bum for most of it not bothering to do much, had a chat to the peeps in the chat room, drank tea, smoked a few cigs, at breakfast then finally got myself out of the house for a walk and some shopping.
Now I'm not really a football fan but decided to watch the England v USA match cos I really can't imagine the England team embarrassing themselves so much as to lose. If they do they might as well stay out in South Africa :D
Apart from that, nothing special today, just one of those nice I can't bothered days that you like to have every so often. Have a good weekend people.
Better days :)
Today's advice is: GO FEED THE DUCKS!
Sunday, day 28. Took the last Citalopram tablet in the first box today, got he next box ready to start on tomorrow. More rain this morning, didn't feel that awake when I got up but meh, I didn't have much really planned so I could spend the whole morning waking up.
Chatted to the reprobates that usually hang out in the chat room and a few new people who dropped in today, then eventually got my act together and headed down to the park with a bag full of broken up bread for the ducks. It was raining lightly when I left the house, but I didn't mind too much, that just meant there wouldn't be too many people about in the park.
The ducks can obviously spot a potential feed walking their way as they were heading towards me before I even opened the bag to grab some of the bread and I had one little duck head out through the railing onto the path next to me to avoid the mad rush the others were making, so I treated her to a few bits to herself for showing initiative. Worth a walk out to see the ducks enjoying themselves telling the pigeons to get lost, I highly recommend it, haven't fed the ducks in years, think I'll go back next week if it's quiet in the park.
Better days people :)
End of week one on 10mg, mostly ok, bit tired but other side effects passed quickly..after two children, tiredness is no big deal! Other med in box untouched, stopped propranolol as well. End of the beginning....
Hi JTD,
Tiredness you can deal with, and if you feel a bit anxious you can always take the propanolol when you need it, no need to take it on a regular basis. I took one each morning through my second week on Cit due to me having had a panic attack on the Friday and feeling a bit jittery.
Keep going and drop into the chat room if you need a bit of support or just general banter, the morning crew are usually pretty good to talk to, so might see you in there at some point.
Monday, Week 5 day 29. Is it 5 weeks since I started taking the Cit already? And four weeks since I signed up for NMP?
I was going to call it a day on this little diary, thinking I'd reached a point where I had little to say about myself on the Cit, feeling that I'd said all I could say about how I'm feeling and how my depression and anxiety were reduced to the point where they weren't really an issue any more, and to a certain extent, thanks to the Citalopram, this is mainly true.
But the past couple of days I've felt pretty lethargic, largely down to the weather I'm guessing, and today I felt a little low. Nothing major just a general feeling of not being sure what I want and feeling that there is something more I could be doing to make things better in my life.
I woke up with thoughts about my mum, she married my dad late in her life after she divorced her first husband and returned to the north east. She was 44 years old when she gave birth to me in the late 60's, which was something in those days. She died a few days before my 21st birthday in her late 60's. It's not that she died that I was thinking about this morning, it's that I feel I let her die alone. She had been moved from the hospital to a nursing home in a village just outside town and it was there that she died shortly after Christmas. I felt that I didn't go see her enough and left her alone in her last days and that has preyed on my mind for years ever since, a weight I've carried since that phone call from my brother that morning when I had just gotten up after spending the night before enjoying myself down the pub with friends.
I'm sure we all have these regrets and I'm probably not the only one who felt that they let a loved one die alone in some nursing home of whatever, it's just one of those things that has shaped me and may be something of a factor in my becoming depressed in my late 20's.
I was having a conversation with someone in chat this morning about feeling there was something missing in my life, I've mentioned this before in previous posts, feeling that I'm a bit lost in life, looking for something but I still don't know what it is, that feeling was there today, making me feel like I didn't know what to do with myself for most of the day, I even found myself stopping in the street because I couldn't decide where to go to buy some bread for the ducks. Not like me at all.
Anyway, I went down to feed the ducks again and ended up surrounded by them when a small gang slipped out through the railings onto the path to get ahead of the crowd of geese that were dominating the show on the other side of the fence. Some people were walking by and I must have looked like some sort of avian messiah stood with my arms held out to show I had no more bread while friendly ducks wandered around close to my feet looking up at me waiting for me to send forth more bready goodness.
Some days you really have to wonder, don't you. Better days people :)
Shaun
Tuesday, week 5, day 30.
Woke up around 6am as usual, but this morning it was because I'd nipped the inside of my lower lip with my teeth, I think I was maybe having a bit of a dream and perhaps talking away in my sleep or something, but who knows. I dozed off for a bit longer and did it again so now I've got a nice little lump on the inside of my lip and trying to figure out what that was all about :D
I think this week I'm going through a very minor version of my depression and anxiety, it's not keeping me awake in the morning but when I do wake up I'm looking back over my life and letting things run round in my head, things like friends who have slipped away or just don't respond when you contact them. I've had so many people that I knew from my home town or from my time at University who don't seem to want to know me any more. This seems to have been a pattern through my life. I wonder if it was just something about me that they didn't like or if I did something to them, in some cases I think I may have when I was younger.
I've done plenty of things I'm not proud of, many of which I really don't think I could talk about here, some of them have lost me friends while other friends just seemed to not seem interested in maintaining contact after I was out of their lives which has always made me wonder what it is about me that makes them just want to ignore me. I think I've always been one of life's wildcards since I was pretty young, not fitting in, feeling excluded, not belonging. I think that might be part of what I'm looking for, that something I feel is missing perhaps, a sense of belonging somewhere, being a part of something. Hopefully I'll find that at some point, NMP is giving me that a little bit to some extent, a sense of being part of a community that I share something with.
This morning due to me thinking about my old friendships and feeling down I felt I wasn't communicating enough with people enough in the chat room, that I may have seemed a bit withdrawn, which may have been the problem in the past with some people, but when I start looking inside myself, like I am this week, I tend not to have that much to say. I can find it difficult to engage in idle chit chat at times and that may put some people off. Part of it may just me being tiredness right now, getting going in the morning is difficult when you're motivation is a little low but I know I haven't been quite as chatty as I have been for the past few weeks. I livened up a bit last night but mornings are me just trying to wake up and shake the thoughts out a bit from when I wake up.
At least it's just me clearing out some of the rubbish that I've kept bottled up, nowhere near as bad as laying there full of anxiety. I see this as part of the process, my mind is telling me it's time to examine some of these issues maybe so perhaps this is another step in me working things out and reaching some sort of resolution, even if it just gets me so far along the road it will be worth something.
I've rambled enough this morning, time for a cuppa. Hope I'm not boring people with my aimless self analysis, I think I'm just trying to get things out for myself to read to try and trigger some sort of thoughts that might help me in the long run, really not sure if anyone else finds it that interesting at all really :D
Have a good day people, better days for anyone reading this :)
Shaun
Hi Shaun
This is actualy really good way of therapy writing a diary when i had my couselling that was the first thing i was told to do, just to write down how i felt on daily basis but also try to pick up the positive things out of my day which can be very hard sometimes when you feel really low. I think i should start writing one too but perhaps not on here as i always blame myself for everything which has gone wrong and people would think i'm just a bad person..........oh that doesn't even make a sense think i need to go home soon lol
Have a good day!:)
Hi Keta,
I find it difficult to find things to write about too, I'm not much of a diary writer and I've started blogs and let them die a quick death on a few occasions. I felt like I was just spouting stuff to post last week when I was feeling better and was thinking of leaving the thread alone, but this weekend I started feeling a bit down and felt a bit anxious over the past few mornings so it's given me a means to get it out of my system a bit.
I seem to be attracting a few readers and it's nice to know people might be getting something out of what I've been throwing out there over the past few weeks as well as some of the comments I've received from other members, thanks for those folks :)
Week 5, Wednesday day 31.
After being woken up again by drunks at 3am or thereabouts, I had a restless nights sleep which had me laid in bed at 7 with a head full of jumbled thoughts and not wanting to get up yet but knowing I shouldn't lie in bed hugging the duvet like I wanted to.
Getting through the morning tension isn't as bad as the anxiety I had weeks ago but it's still uncomfortable, my shoulders are aching again some and I have to keep catching myself hunching them up and consciously relax them. I think I've become a bit too dependent on the chat room in the past few days so might have to try and break myself away earlier so I can get myself out the door to do stuff, I have a job interview at 11am tomorrow so I won't be able to just sit around trying to get myself motivated while chatting then.
I was talking the other day about feeling I was missing something in my life and my thoughts lingered on that a little this morning while I was considering getting up, one word seemed to worm it's way to the surface as I started the morning, coherence. I enjoy the bit of chaos that seems to follow me around, changing things when they are bad and making life interesting but I would like to see more of the pattern and perhaps get some meaning from it. The dictionary definition of coherence is as follows:
1 : the quality or state of cohering: as a : systematic or logical connection or consistency b : integration of diverse elements, relationships, or values
So there you go, this is perhaps part of what drives some of my fears, feeling that my life is a bit of a ragtag patchwork with no real consistency, moving from job to job, having people just spin out of my life never to be heard from again. I've looked at this over the years and in some ways it probably doesn't matter if I don't follow the lifestyle we're fed by the media, career, house, wife, car, kids and all that. Really that's not for me, but I would like something that I could look back on and say I achieved that, feel good about as I grow older. I don't wish to be rich and famous, not like some people seem to want. If I ever did achieve fame I'd prefer it to be for something I'd done, something worthy of drawing people's attention, not the kind of fame most celebs crave these days.
I guess there is still time in my life to find that something that I can call my own, no matter how small it is, some people don't find theirs until later in life and that can be after wandering through life without much direction until they turn that corner and the pieces all fall into place. Maybe it's time to start looking at some of those opportunities I let pass me by, some of those talents I never explored or let wither over the years. It's just knowing where to start with some of these ideas, that can be the most difficult bit.
Couple of hectic days at the radio station and looks like could be a fun weekend if I can get myself motivated. We interviewed some of the musicians yesterday that will be taking part in Middlesbrough's Literary Festival over the next 6 or 7 weeks and we'll be plugging their stuff over the next couple of weeks on the shows I'll be taking part in on the community radio station I'm volunteering at, and we managed to get ourselves free passes so we can go enjoy some of the events. If you live in the area you might want to check it out. www.middlesbrough.gov.uk/litfest
I also bumped into another member from NMP on my way home today, AnxiousHarry, another resident of this fair town. There I was walking across the road near my house and I heard someone calling 'Raindog' from their car. I figured it was him so said hi and we chatted for a bit. Hope things work out for you AnxiousHarry, better days for you and everyone here :)
Shaun
Hi Rex,
Thanks for the comment there, I find not having any idea where my life is going contributes to my feelings, wondering if I'll just wander through life or actually find something that I feel means something, even if it's just to me. I got my degree in my early 30's and found I had a knack for programming, that's given me something to apply myself with but it's finding the opportunities and the motivation to actually make it work for me. I realised that I'm a problem solver and my programming skills help me express that and I get some enjoyment out of writing code that provides solutions, but does it make me feel fulfilled? I think that's what we may all be looking for, is a sense of fulfillment, or is that just another dream we've been sold by the media? Am I just a Don Quixote tilting at windmills?
Give a diary thread a try Rex, I didn't expect this to turn into my own stream of consciousness therapy thread, it just seems to be happening that way, and it's kind of like talking to yourself in a way, which I do a lot of anyway :D
Week 5, Thursday day 32.
I'm feeling jumpy as hell this morning. I have a job interview at 11am and not feeling my best, but I know this is just part of the blip, the mornings are always a bit worse and my tension is making me wonder if I can do or even want to do this. Spoke to jaded jean in the chat room for a while and that's helped a bit I think and I'm having breakfast as I type, though I didn't look forward to it as much as most mornings as I'm feeling a tad queazy.
Once I get myself ready and out on the way to the interview I should feel fine, it's just the anticipation of the whole thing making me feel like this. I guess I'm still feeling a bit low about not hearing a peep from the last interview I went to so this one has kind of a negative feel to it already.
Hopefully this is just a blip as I suspect and I'll get back to feeling a bit more positive without having to make such an effort and push through the blanket of tension and feeling a bit down. I can do things, it's just taking a bit more effort this week than it was during those first good weeks on the Cit. I was sort of prepared for something like this having read other people's experiences of the ups and downs, it's only week 5 so I can't expect miracles can I?
I need to go get showered and start getting ready to move, most likely I'll vent more of my thoughts later in the day. Laters people and better days for us all :)
Shaun
Hi Shaun
Good luck with the interview today!!!
Marketa
happycamper
17-06-10, 10:09
Best of luck with your interview Shaun!
Clare X
YvonneBelle
17-06-10, 10:17
Yes, good luck! Fingers crossed it goes well. Even if you decide you don't want it, or someone pips you to the post, it's still good practice and if nothing else, gives your interview suit another airing. :)
I noticed you got your degree in your 30s. I was a mature student too, graduated at 30 feeling extremely old! Haha, looking back, I was far from old. My main regret is not following the path of web design as planned. Instead went into stats/reporting - the very thing I hated and struggled with at Uni. :shrug:
All the best. Let us know how it went.
YB
Hi Shaun,
Keep up with the diary thread. You'd be surprised how many people can relate to the way you are feeling. I think a few of us here feel a bit lost in life.
I went through my teens and most of my 20s being a goody two shoes. Never put a foot out of line, never rebelled, did well at school, got a degree and finished a PhD at 31, but I never felt the same as everyone else.
I was never inclined to follow the pattern society expects yet I've watched every one around me slip into it. Get the career, buy a flat, get the long term partner, move in together, get a dog, buy a house, have a baby, go up the career ladder then work yourself to death to maintain it all. Eventually it gets so you are the odd one out for not following 'the rules'. I've had numerous opportunities to follow suit, but have always found myself jumping out like a slippery eel.
I've always embraced being unique, and yet sometimes there are some things I do want and others I think a should want, but mostly I just feel like I don't fit. I've worked as a scientist for 12 years. I used to like it but I was never passionate about it and actually started to hate it about 6 years ago. Never before had I felt so out of place and miserable, and moving into yet another science job last year, one where I was a trainee yet again and expected to do yet another degree and to work all hours was enough to make me think f*** this for a game of soldiers, I'm wasting my life here!
I'm in a strange place right now. I feel as though at 34 I am having the teenage rebellion that I never had. I want to have fun, to do things I've never had the chance to do before, to explore life and to stick two fingers up to the demands of work and society. Perhaps it is a rebellion against all those years of working so hard and being good and doing the right thing. Where did it get me in the end? Nowhere except miserable and depressed and on some horrific merry-go-round that I couldn't escape.
Life's a journey. Every day is a new start with new opportunities no matter how old you are. That's how I'm looking at it. It's all uncertain...but who knows how life might change :)
Sorry for hijacking your thread! Got a bit carried away. Been on the wine and out in the sunshine :blush:
Hi trickyvee,
Hijack away, I'm happy for people to join me in a bit of venting and self analysis if it helps. It lets know that I'm not along in having that disjointed feeling in life. I love programming and really get a kick out of it, and it does fill me with passion as it satisfies the problem solver in me, which is why I've become so good at it. I sympathise with you for feeling that you've come to dislike something so much that you once felt was your calling in life, and that feeling of going round in circles and having to keep starting to climb the ladder is one that I get.
This interview today gave me a bit of a lift, it was two guys who've started their own web business and have reached a point where they need more people with more diverse skills to add to those they already have. They've already had to turn down a couple of contracts worth £60,000 in the past few months because they didn't have any employees with the required skills to carry out the work. I spoke to them for nearly two hours earlier and they both seem passionate about what they do, ones a programmer and ones a marketing man, and that brought out the passion in me for programming again.
This wasn't an official interview sadly, they told me it was just an informal chat to let them decide who they want to call back for more interviews in a few weeks after they've seen some other people and had time to decide, so I'm very hopeful that I'll get called back as it seems like the sort of small company I'd like to work for, and it would give me plenty to get my teeth into. Well here's hoping, it felt much better than the one I had the other week. I've still not heard anything back about that one and to be honest I'm not that bothered, maybe this one is the one I'm supposed to go for as I can make a real difference.
Really all I'd like is a job that I enjoy walking into most days, enough cash to live on without having too many worries and that kind of thing. I've worked for some people that I really didn't respect or like and some where I loved being there each day because of the job I was doing and the people I was working with, so I'm hoping that my next job will be more of the latter and much less of the former :)
If anyone tells you that being successful means amounting as much money and power as you can, just keep this in mind, you might feel like you're winning the rat race, but in the end you're still a rat :D.
Better days people.
Shaun
Week 5, Friday day 33
A pretty crappy start to the day, after feeling so tense this week, I was feeling the effects of all that extra adrenaline this morning, mainly feeling like I'd been warmed up in a microwave. Breakfast and a shower got me feeling somewhat human and I got myself down to CVFM to do some editing, not as much as I wanted but sometimes it goes like that.
Today was a bit hectic and I could have done with having a bit of a rest but things needed to be done and maybe it was best I didn't just sit around feeling tired and achy all day. I didn't get home until nearly 8pm as myself and Rob, a friend of mine who has started volunteering at the radio station as well, went over to Middlesbrough Central Library to grab a couple of interviews with the Manga artists running the first event of the Anime and Manga festival taking place this weekend.
I got home, had some food and was relaxing when I got a text from Chad, a friend of mine from around here. I haven't seen the Chad in about 6 months or more and he's been incommunicado recently due to him being so busy trying to get his work published and his novel written. I thought for a while he was just another one of those people who had moved on without me, but I'm glad he texted to say hi and that he'd like me to come along to his reading at the opening of the Literary Festival I mentioned the other day.
I'll look upon that as a good sign I think, looking forward to seeing the Chad tomorrow now, aint seen the curly haired loon for some time :) This is his blog if you fancy a bit of a read http://jdchadwick.blogspot.com/
Better days people.
Shaun
Week 5, Saturday day 34
I didn't make a post on Saturday, I had to get down to the Literary Festival in the morning and didn't get back home til the early evening and didn't bother then. I wandered down to the central library in town to watch the opening event for the Middlesbrough Lit Fest and spent most of my time talking to John Chadwick and his partner Kath, friends of mine from University. My friend Rob, who is also volunteering at the radio station with me, was off doing interviews at the Anime & Manga festival in the town hall. He's a big Manga fan and was in his element so I was happy to let him do that.
One of the live musicians sang a song that made me think about my life a bit, it was a song about putting up walls when we get hurt and how they can stop you from having some of the better experiences life has to offer. I know I'm guilty of that in many ways, my last big relationship with a woman was 10 years ago, one that went on for 3 years and has left me with a few scars. It was shortly after this relationship finally ending, probably a long time after it should have, that I went off to study for my degree in my early 30's. I fell into my work there, studying hard and although I was sociable during those 3 years I did tend to avoid getting to close to many people.
I've had confidence issues with women since and early age when I was the object of ridicule at school, this is something I've slowly worked on over the years but it's still there. I can talk to women, that's not a problem now but I find that last step, making it more personal, a bit of an issue. I like my own space and in some ways that makes me respect other people's space too, maybe a bit too much, I feel like I'm intruding on a woman's space if I take that extra step, imposing myself on them when they don't want that so I often have trouble 'making my move' as it were. It holds me back, even if I think a woman is interested I may second guess myself and think that I'm misreading the signals and withdraw, convincing myself that I'm imposing myself on her, that she's just being friendly and not wanting anything more. Maybe as I become more social again I'll start to work on this.
After we left the Lit Fest event, myself, John and a few others went over to a pub they visit and met some other people there. We sat and had a good chat about all sorts of things and I enjoyed meeting a few new people as well as getting to talk to John again.
Getting home I watched some TV to relax and turned off my laptop early to stop myself sitting on here all night. I'd been surrounded by people a lot of the day, and while it wasn't such a bad thing I just wanted a bit of space, plus sitting in the NMP chat room at night often makes my head spin when it's busy, the chat can go at quite a pace so I often don't bother. I was tempted to join in the Saturday night quiz on there but felt too tired when 9pm came around. There will always be next week.
Week 5, Sunday day 35
Woke up around 6, as normal then spent the next couple of hours dozing off for an hour at a time. Got up for the loo then crawled back into bed for more snoozage. I really felt like not getting up this morning, it wasn't the desperate anxiety this morning, more a mild malaise that made me look at getting out of bed as committing to something, accepting what the day would send while staying in my warm bed was like foregoing all that and being able to avoid that commitment.
I've spoken before how my anxiety seems to manifest around taking on responsibility and committing to things, like when I was getting panicky over the thought of job interviews and feelings of being under pressure when I said I'd be a certain place or do something at a certain time. This morning was part of this weeks blip and revolved around that whole thing, not wanting to get up and take on the day, just wanting it all to go away and leave me be so I didn't have to accept any responsibility or commit to any course of action. It wasn't strong enough to keep me in bed and it let me view the situation a little more objectively than I was able to a month or so ago when I was feeling desperate and anxious about things so much.
It probably stems from this week being so busy, going for the job interview, organising and doing things at the radio station, etc. This left me feeling like I didn't have much time for myself even though it was only a few hours a day. It's just been such a chore to get myself going in the mornings this past week, motivation to get going has been a bit low during this blip and there seems like so many things I have to do, but in some ways I need to get back into the rhythm of getting things done. Just wish it didn't seem quite so difficult this week. Once I get going it becomes easier, but looking at the things I feel need doing I just feel a tiny bit overwhelmed at times, like in the mornings when I get up.
I think part of it is that I got so lazy during winter, just sat on my behind not doing much apart from playing the online game I play and my concentration levels were so shot while I was going through my anxiety that I'm only just getting back into sitting down and being able to really get stuff done. I wonder if sitting in the NMP chat rooms all morning is something I should cut down on a bit, it does help me a bit having some people to chat to, but I know from prior experience that sometimes I can be a tad obsessive about things I get into, sometimes to the exclusion of other things that matter, like playing the online game over winter and doing very little else for several weeks and months.
I've still got a long way to go, this past week has shown me that, but this is just the end of week 5 on the Cit and I have a lot to deal with in my mixed up head, but hopefully I'm getting used to doing things more and dealing with the pressures I feel when I take on any kind of responsibility, now matter how small it is. We often blow things out of proportion, that's one thing I've learned during my anxiety and from NMP, so that's helped me realise that it's mostly the anticipation of things that make us feel anxious, once we're out and about, involved in whatever we're doing, it's not that big a deal in most cases.
Let's see what week 6 brings, I feel better than I did on Friday at least so hoping this weeks blip is running itself out and I'm starting to make progress again, I'll let you know :)
Better days people
Shaun
Welcome to Week 6 of my journey through the wonderful world of taking Citalopram :D
So yeah...
Week 6, Monday day 36
Woke up and dozed for a while, once I started to surface properly I felt a bit of anxiety, one little bolt of it tried to invade my sleepy thoughts, something that wasn't particularly pleasant but I was able to push back. I spent an hour or so just lounging around in my bed after that having those feelings of not wanting to get up and face the world, much like the past few days, perhaps a little stronger but not overwhelming like it's been in the past, before the Cit started helping.
Pulled myself out of bed a bit before 8am and sat down with a cup of tea to see who might be around for a bit of a morning chat while I cleared my head a bit and woke up properly. Still waiting to reach that point but getting there after a spot of breakfast.
Thinking back on that little flare up of anxiety, it came shortly after I let myself start thinking about the things you see in the news and the papers, the state of the world they portray, the mess we seem to be in with the financial crisis and all that. Just thinking where things seem to be going in the world frightened me a bit. Not sure if that was just the anxiety looking for a way in and making me think about the negative aspects of current events or whether those thoughts brought the anxiety on, but I put those thoughts aside when it raised its ugly little head and was able to squelch the anxiety down again before it took a firm hold of me as I lay there.
I went to the Mind open social thing yesterday and joined in the relaxation session they ran, that helped and was the first time in a long time I'd been able to immerse myself even a little bit in a visualisation. It felt nicely relaxing so might give it another go when I get a quiet moment without something I feel I need to do. One of the other Mind users there was talking about the problems we have and mentioned a word that struck home, it was one I've heard many times when dealing with mental problems like anxiety. The word was avoidance. I think I've been trying to express that word in my previous posts when I talked about feeling anxious about responsibility and committing to things, I just felt like I wanted to avoid them, just like I wanted to avoid facing the day these past few mornings by feeling safe and warm in bed. That only reinforces the anxiety I think, things mount up if you run away from them and that ends up making small issues worse as things don't get done.
I've been in situations before where I avoided paying debts, thinking that they wouldn't catch up with me when I changed address and so on, but you find that at some point things will just fester away under the surface and find you at some point. I ended up having to pay a nice chunk of my monthly wages for a while to pay off debts I'd gotten myself into a while ago, but after it was done I felt relieved that it was out of the way.
I was just reading an interesting post before I started mine just now and it helped me understand that this blip is probably just a response to me becoming more active and taking on more to push myself a little, trying to get over my avoidance issues a bit, commit myself to more things. Here is the post if you want a read http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=76766.
One of the posts has a useful perspective on anxiety and how we feed it, often my giving in and avoiding the things we're worried and afraid of:
Remember that any attention you give to your anxiety will feed it and so prolong its survival. The question isn't really how long anxiety will affect you; it's more of a question of when you'll let it go. Whenever you are able to do that, will be the time it'll no longer bother you because you won't be worrying about it. In other words, it's really up to you how long it lasts because the "cure" is held within you.
As I've said to others when posting a bit of encouragement in their threads asking for reassurance, your head is currently a war zone with the anxiety and the meds doing battle, and as the medication starts to win the anxiety is likely to become more desperate in it's attempts to control and affect you. I'm looking on this weeks blip as my anxiety making one of those last ditch attempts, struggling to keep a foothold in my head but slowly being taken apart. I feel I can get through what it's throwing at me right now, it doesn't wrap itself around me and send me spinning into those desperate feelings like it used to, it's just a bloody inconvenience making me feel less than 100% but nothing that I feel is going to drag me down like it did a month or two ago.
Good things take time, I've learned that over the years, I now have the light at the end of the tunnel, it's not always clear, sometimes just a glow on the wall around the bend, but I have the breathing space to keep working towards it now, just need to keep hold of it and not let the anxiety back in.
Better days people :)
Shaun
Hi Shaun,
Sorry to hear you have been having a blip over the last week or so. It probably is a response to your commitments. Some people get over-stimulated more easily in others and this can be magnified with depression and anxiety. I'm definitely one of those people!
I also like my own space and although I like to socialise, meet new people etc I always tend to keep a certain distance. I do need a lot of time to myself compared to most people and it certainly contributed to the state I got into with my last job. I just couldn't cope with the demands and pace and levels of interaction required like other people could. I wasn't getting enough 'me' time. This has been problematic in relationships too. Boyfriends have become offended by my requests to spend more and more time alone and I've never moved in with anyone because of the fear of losing my own space.
As for avoidance, this is a huge issue for me. The strange thing is that I can be fine doing some really big things. Yesterday I went on a horse for the first time ever and I was terrified but it was also an exciting new experience and I went with a bunch of complete strangers and it was really good fun, but when I turn my mind to other things like job hunting or household chores I will slip into avoidance mode because I know they make me depressed and anxious. Some people are astounded at my ability to meet strangers and do activities on a whim. They say they never could, yet I find it easy. On the other hand I've always had a bit of social phobia with authority figures and talking on the phone, so ringing up companies and talking to important people about serious things is my idea of hell. I just can't do it. It's any situation where I feel I am being judged or under pressure to perform in a certain way or if I feel someone might take me for a ride or get one up on me. I find it overwhelming.
Each day my to do list is largely ignored in favour of 'exciting' events I want to do or reading/watching TV/internet surfing. I always have grand plans in my head but don't have the motivation, confidence or resilience to actually do anything about them. I've always been this way.
On a final note, I also tend to have theme songs for different periods in my life. At the moment I'm identifying with Katie Melua's 'the flood'. In a way it seems to fit in with the last few months of my life, and I'm just starting to reach the high tempo bit at the end where things are more positive!
Tricky
Hi trickyvee,
What you describe sounds somewhat like me, I'm quite a sociable person and can easily talk and meet new people and do new things, but the mundane chores and everyday tasks just get put aside and I often find myself doing things like watching movies when I could use the time to get things done then feel that there aren't enough hours in the day :D
Oh well, this is all working our way through it, give something a name and you have power over it is the rule here I think, once we identify something about ourselves we are more aware of it, able to possibly affect it through an act of will.
Better days :)
Shaun
Glad I'm not the only one who puts things off. Anyway I'm trying to live by the motto "do something each day that scares you" to push me into doing things. The horse riding was the first but it can't always be that exciting so today's was eating gazpacho soup. Not scary but novel, and I didn't like it. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained...:D
I find doing the things that my anxiety doesn't want me too is scary enough, I've been pushing myself to commit myself to doing more things and taking on more responsibility, making sure I'm where I said I would be when I said and doing the things I've been putting off. I think this is why my anxiety is pushing back this past week.
I must be doing something right then if my anxiety monkey doesn't like what I'm doing ;)
Shaun
Week 6, Tuesday day 37
Feeling a bit better this morning, the tension isn't so evident and didn't really move in until well after I'd woken up and gotten myself out of bed. After going through and looking at why this blip has happened and posting about it a few times in different threads, I think I've managed to put a positive enough spin on it for myself that I can view it as a good thing in a way, I've taken steps to move beyond the point the anxiety wanted me at by doing things I felt were the triggers for my anxiety and in doing so I've raised the stakes a bit.
I realised this morning that I'm measuring out my days from the foil packets that my Cit comes in, this morning was Tuesday's pill. I remember when I was going through my 'shut in' phase over winter, I sometimes forgot what day it was, like it mattered much then, they were all the same in many ways, just me sitting in my room on the computer, barely moving or doing much at all. I felt happy in my little closed off world, not having to deal with the outside world that much, getting by, all that. It was only when I realised that it wasn't doing me any good and started to drag myself back into the outside world a bit more that this depression started which then kicked off my anxiety. There have been times when I thought maybe I should have stayed as I was but it really wasn't healthy in the long run and I probably would have had to deal with this at some point anyway.
I was talking about putting up walls in my post the other day and I think hiding away in my room was a way to protect myself, just having lost my job and having those thoughts of doing another load of job interviews to get some job didn't seem too attractive at that point and I suppose I got a bit too comfortable in my little, safe world. We probably all do that to some extent, whether feeling anxiety or not, shut ourselves off from the things that we feel worry, scare or hurt us. The difficult thing is finding your way back to some place where you can interact again, be a part of the world and try to function as something other than a hermit :)
Anyway, not entirely sure where this is going, I'm just rambling so might leave this until later when my thoughts aren't dancing about like drunk gypsies in my head, I might make more sense then.
Better days people :)
Shaun
For what it's worth Raindog I just started Cit and had same horrible sweating you describe-I have used it before though and think it will settle down for you given time
Best of luck
Gordon
Hi Gordon,
The sweating is something that was fairly short lived, I think the Cit may have made me sweat more during the heat, but I tend to sweat a fair bit at night anyway during the summer when it's hot and humid so what I'm not too clear what could be put down to the side effects of the meds and just me being too warm at night, even under a very light duvet.
Anyway, it's time for....
Week 6, Wednesday day 38
I really do wonder about the drinking culture in this country. I settled down to sleep around 2am after watching some tv and not feeling sleepy for a while. Not too long after this, probably after I'd just drifted off to sleep, I find myself awakened by yet another drunken idiot out on the street making an awful noise. It sounded like whoever it was, I couldn't tell if it was male of female, was kicking or punching something or someone and screaming drunkenly before they ran off down the road leaving me wondering what the hell that was all about.
Had a bit of a lie in this morning, not as much to do today, this last week has been pretty busy so going to have a bit more time to relax over the next few days thankfully, feeling like I have so much to do and get involved with over the past week or so has contributed to my blip this week. My whole body felt like it was fizzing when I did get up, not the most pleasant feeling, but not a really bad one either. Not sure if this was because I still needed more sleep or if I'd had enough or was just my mild anxiety working away on my system while I was waking up, it was most odd to have that slightly nervous fizzing happening all over, but it passed as most of the morning feelings do.
I think part of the problem at the moment is the heatwave that seems to have descended upon us here in the UK, that can leave me feeling drained and worn out if I'm out in it too much, while I love going for a nice walk somewhere, it's not the best thing when it's this hot and humid, spring and autumn are definitely the months for me I've found.
Hopefully, if I can get this job that I had the prelim interview for last week, I'll be working in a nice air conditioned place and not have to worry too much about all the heat, I worked in the same building a few years ago and I would avoid most of the heat when I was coming into work in the morning, it was only the journey home when I'd catch the heat but that wasn't too much of a problem since I'd been working in a comfortable environment all day, which definitely helps, so here's hoping I get a call to go back for another interview in the next few weeks as they said.
Getting there, slowly, despite little setbacks like this blip. The Cit is helping me get through and this past week is just me reaching a new stage as it works on my anxiety and depression.
Better days people :)
Shaun
Well I got an email through today telling me that I had the 2nd interview for that job I went to see about last week, and it's next Friday, so looking forward to that. From what the guy said I thought he might take a week or two longer but he wants to see me again so it looks good for the old Raindog, might be in gainful employment by this time next months.
Now I just need to cool down, I've been sat in a rather warm studio at the radio station helping one of the other guys out with his show and I'm baked.
Better days folks :)
Shaun
Hi Shaun
Fingers crossed for you!!!
:)
YvonneBelle
24-06-10, 16:34
Best of luck Shaun :)
Thanks for the thoughts keta and Yvonne :)
Week 6, Thursday day 39
Woke up about 6 as usual, no drunken locals waking me up at unearthly hours of the morning so a full night of uninterrupted sleep. Got up around 8 feeling pretty refreshed and started pottering about. I was a bit jittery this morning but I feel that I'm heading out of this blip now. Once I'd had breakfast, chatted a bit with people in the chat room and had a shower I was feeling pretty ok.
I didn't have anything particular I needed to do today so went and got my hair chopped so it wasn't all over the place and making me hot in the weather then decided to get going on finishing off updating my CV, something I've been putting off for a while and only doing little bits of for the past month or more.
With that done, headed out for a bit of a walk. The weather here is cloudy and humid today so feeling a bit stifled despite a strong breeze. Hope it's not hot and muggy like this next week when I'm going for my interview.
And for those of you wondering whether I've been to feed the ducks recently, no I haven't. I tend to prefer doing that when the park isn't too busy and with the warm, sunny weather recently it tends to be full of people with kids, which isn't my ideal situation to be in. Plus I've been pretty busy for the past week or two anyway and just haven't had a lot of time to spend down there.
Anyway, feeling pretty good, especially now I've got the 2nd interview with E-Strands, so will keep you posted :)
Better days people
Shaun
hey things are looking up for you, nice one :D
Week 6, Friday day 40.
Not much to talk about today really, had a good night sleep, woke up feeling pretty much ok, feels like I'm leaving the blip behind that's been dragging me back a bit this past week or two.
The only thing that makes me feel nervous is when things start happening too fast, like when there are a few people in the chat room and the chat is moving too fast, I get a buzz of anxiety so often have to stop looking at it. This makes some people think that I'm ignoring them in chat but I'm simply having to take my attention away from it for a while until it calms down a bit. I much prefer the chat early in the morning when it's just a handful off us in there having a bit of a chat as we start our days.
Anyway, just going to have a relaxing weekend. I finally got my CV updated yesterday, something I've been putting off for over a month so I'm happy that it's done now. I'm looking forward to my interview next Friday, feeling good about this one so hopefully I'll be employed again soon :)
Bit of an improvement I'd say considering that before I started the Citalopram I was panicking just from thinking about job interviews.
Better days people.
Shaun
Week 6, Saturday day 41 and Sunday day 42
Not a great deal going on, a fun chat with other NMP members on Saturday that got quite chaotic and made us laugh. Thanks to everyone involved as well as SueBee the mod for not kicking any of us for misbehaving :tongue:
Went out for a nice walk in the sun, I don't often enjoy the sun but I was just out for a stroll, not moving too fast so just tried to enjoy the sun a bit. I wandered through the cemetery where all the trees are heavily grown and it was bliss to be in their shade with all the birds around me, I decided to hide for the rest of the afternoon after that.
Getting a decent nights sleep now despite the fact it's so damned hot, I've had to keep my desk fan on all night, aimed over the bed to try and keep me cool. Now the wind has switched to blowing from the south there isn't even much of a cooling breeze.
Last night we had one heck of a thunder and lightning storm over Middlesbrough, I won't say much more as I know some people have phobias about such things and talking about it may cause them problems, but suffice to say, it was pretty loud and the rain was tropical when it came down, straight down and warm, kind of enjoyable to stand out in it for a while :)
Sunday morning saw me lying in until 9am again after waking up at 5am needing the loo and feeling hot already. It looks like it's going to be another scorcher. I'll see how sweltering it is out there when I head over to the Mind social afternoon session. Chances are after wandering there and back I'll just want to hide for the rest of the day trying to stay cool.
Morning have been better the past couple of days too, I don't feel much tension, maybe a touch but that's fading and I don't feel like I'm having to spend so long waking up either, this past week I've been having quite a job getting going in the morning but the past couple of days I've been up and feeling much better.
So that's pretty much then end of week 6, had a blip for a week or two but nothing serious, mostly brought on by me pushing my limits a bit and having job interviews, but feeling like I'm pulling out of it now, getting back to feeling the benefits of the Cit like I was from week 2.
Better days people :)
Shaun
Just watching the coverage of Stevie Wonder at Glastonbury, he still sounds as good as the first time I heard him when I was a kid. Got the TV turned up loud, don't think anyone else in the place will mind too much :)
Week 7
Monday day 43
Hot enough to roast a monkey's bum, but I'm feeling much better than I was last week. Got the application form to fill out for the interview on Friday, the guy just wants all the paperwork done correctly, which is a bit of a change to my last job, no application form, no contract.
Feeling quite calm about this one, probably because I've already met the guys and had a good chat with them at the last interview. Got a good feeling about this job, just hope things don't go completely hatstand on Friday :D
Tuesday day 44
Woke up to rain pouring down but by the time I'd gotten up and had my first cuppa the rain had stopped. Still cloudy and a bit humid but doesn't seem as hot today thankfully. Got the community focus show to do this afternoon at CVFM but apart from that nothing much else to do today, probably go for a nice long walk this afternoon, enjoy the afternoon :)
My IBS symptoms have even started clearing up again, they started to go before this blip but came back again when the mild anxiety set in. Hopefully they'll go away for more than a few days this time.
Better days people :)
Shaun
Week 7, Wednesday day 45
Quite a good day today, the weather was a bit cooler generally, though when I got a lift from John, my friend, his car was baking hot. We were heading up to Berwick Hills library so he could give his writing workshop talk as part of the Literary Festival that's running over the next few weeks.
After he'd done his talk we headed to the pub and I had my first beer for about 2 months. I thought I could risk it and feeling ok really, perhaps a tiny bit agitated but that's better than the anxiety my last drink brought on. I'll let you know tomorrow if it has any ill effects, it was only one beer anyway so shouldn't do that much.
Couple more days to my interview, got my paperwork sorted ready for that so looking forward to it and hoping to be in paid employment soon.
Better days people :)
Shaun
Good luck for the interview!
suzannacorfu
01-07-10, 22:35
Good luck for tomorrow Shaun!!!
Hi Raindog,
i am on cit as well 1st week well or 3 yuch lost loads of weight i started them in may,
i am feeling loads better now my health anxiety started again after i was made redundant ..last april..on the dole for 6 months ..money worries etc
Got a job now still trying to catch up financially
But meds helping .
Keep strong
Cazza 7 x
Hi Cazza,
Good to hear that you're on the mend, it does make a difference when the anxiety starts diminishing. Welcome to NMP, hope it helps you get through any rough patches you might go through.
On with a bit more of Week 7
Friday day 45. I think this is the day most people want to hear about, my job interview. I spent the morning just lazing around, relaxing before the interview in the afternoon and felt pretty confident heading up there.
They had called 3 of us in for a group interview and it seemed like we were competing for the same role, but we'll see how that turns out as I have the suspicion that they may want to take all 3 of us on and are testing to see how we work together since one part of the interview was a group task.
We had to build a tower out of paper and were given a short brief. We could purchase different materials using fake money with the prices on the brief. We took a little while to get started but eventually got a sort of tower built that stood up of it's own accord and was still standing quite some time later, which impressed the bosses.
The whole interview was around 2.5 hours and went pretty well overall. They said they'd let us know at the start of the week, so shouldn't have that much longer to wait really. I got home and just wanted to relax so I just watched some TV.
Saturday day 46 and Sunday day 47.
Just enjoying a couple of lazy days before, hopefully, I hear that I've got this job. I should have posted before now as people have been asking whether I got the job or not but I was feeling lazy so sue me :P
Feeling in a pretty good mood over the weekend, I'm not worrying about the result of the job interview, not getting anxious, just waiting to see, whichever way it goes really.
Hope everyone is doing well, if not I hope you are soon.
Better days people :)
Shaun
YvonneBelle
04-07-10, 11:55
We had to build a tower out of paper and were given a short brief.Hi Shaun, it's no wonder you've been feeling lazy this weekend! The build up to the interview and having to work with two strangers in a stressful situation is no small accomplishment. I bet you were relieved once it was all over!
I've done exactly the same type of exercise, but with straws. :D
There really isn't anything you can do in this type of situation except be yourself because you can't second guess what personal attributes they are looking for. They might be looking for a leader but they might not be. They might be looking for a team player - but then again, they might be looking for someone with very strong negotiation skills. How you tackle and approach something with a short time scale is also very telling. Being respectful of others opinions or being more measured might have been something else they wanted rather than someone who approaches things like a bull at a gate. Plus you know you are being observed. All very stressful! Sounds like it went well though, so fingers crossed.
Even if you don't get it, it probably just means there is something even better out there for you.
All you can do now is relaaaaax! :)
Best of luck.
Yvonne
To be honest it wasn't that stressful really, I had to do similar things at Uni a few years back with people I'd just met, in some ways I can deal with that easily enough, and we all got on well enough. We had a bit of a laugh doing it to be honest so it felt more fun than anything.
I often find myself being put in leadership positions so pulling the other two together and consolidating their ideas wasn't a big issue for me, and when the boss pointed out that we didn't do much of a plan to design the tower I simply pointed out 'well considering we've done such a good job without one, think what we could do with a planned design'
I've got a bit of a summer cold this morning, just a stuffed up nose really, a mild annoyance but no big deal. I'm not one of those that starts having 'man flu' the moment I get a blocked nose or whatever, but it's a good excuse to sit and watch some afternoon movies so I don't go spreading it about too much :P
Better days
Shaun
YvonneBelle
04-07-10, 23:11
and when the boss pointed out that we didn't do much of a plan to design the tower I simply pointed out 'well considering we've done such a good job without one, think what we could do with a planned design'Haha, good answer!! lol
You sound a bit like me in that I very rarely get stressed at interviews. I think it must be all the practice I've had over the years. I've had the good, the bad, and well... some of the others. :D
Sounds to me like you don't have much to worry about!
Hope the cold gets better soon...
It was just a morning thing I think, after I went for a short walk my nose cleared up. It might have been a bit of hayfever too, I sometimes get a touch of it when the pollen is high.
Like I said, I can think on my feet, and I read Machiavelli's The Prince at an early age, I know how to put a spin on things to my advantage :P
Shaun
Week 8, Tuesday day 51.
Got a letter from the company I went for the interview with on Friday. I didn't get the job unfortunately so just have to keep looking I guess. Other opportunities are available for me to look at so it's not all bad.
I'm going on a ghost hunt on Wednesday evening. I'll be joining the paranormal investigators from Northern Ghost Investigations (http://www.northern-ghost-investigations.com/) at a secret location in the north east to record an investigation they're carrying out in the hopes that we can get a podcast out of it for them. That means I'll be up til the early hours of the morning Thursday so better get plenty of sleep tonight.
So I didn't get the job I wanted but I do get to sit about with a bunch of paranormal investigators in an empty building to hunt for signs of haunting or some such :)
Can't complain. Better days people :)
Shaun
jaded jean
06-07-10, 17:50
Shaun you must let us know how you get on . This is an area that I am really interested in.This just sounds so cool lol! I am off to a clairvoyant evening next week. I have quite a few pictures of orbs but there is speculation as to whether it is due to using a digital camera but I dont care.
Jean:scared10::scared10::scared10:
Shame about the job...oh well, you win some, you lose some. Good experience for anything else that might come up, though :). Your ghost-hunting exploits sound like a hoot. Is this for your radio stuff? Can anybody volunteer to do this kind of thing? Sounds like fun...I'm going a bit volunteering crazy at the mo! lol
It's connected to the radio station, we're probably going to try and get some of the stuff we record on air, or at least make a podcast out of it for the NGI. As far as volunteering for it, at the moment you need to get to know the team and be invited along. Introduce yourself on the forum and build up a relationship until they eventually give you an invite. It does help if you know someone on the inside too :)
Right now they aren't doing any public investigations, but they are thinking about it in the future if there is demand, so you might wish to sign up to the forum and ask them about that.
YvonneBelle
07-07-10, 16:05
Shame about the job Shaun but good luck with the spooky exploits! I'm interested in all things spooky (mumbo jumbo) so would like to hear how it goes. :)
Week 8, Thursday day 53
It was old man Jenkins! The swine, he was wearing a costume to scare people away from his goldmine! We unmasked him and he was carted off by the police, though he'll probably just do community service.
So that's how our ghost investigation went, which is of course utter lies. What really happened was as follows, and no great danes were involved, though there was a ginger cat and some questionable types from around Middlesbrough, namely the NGI members :P
When we arrived at the pub in Stockton it was pretty quiet apart from a few people watching the Germany - Spain match on TV. After that it pretty much emptied and after the staff had locked up we sat down and got started.
I'd brought along a digital recorder to let the NGI members make a podcast of the event, so we started with an intro to their organisation and to the members present as well as a little bit about the investigation we were conducting that evening. While we sat around and did this bit of the podcast, the pub cat paid us a visit and got to know a few of the members too, most friendly he was.
Following that, John and Mark, the two sensitives (they avoid the word medium as they feel it has all sorts of stigma attached) did separate walkarounds of the pub to see if they could pick up any energies or sensations from the location. While they did their thing most of us just stood about in the back yard and had a cig or sat and chatted in the corner. Both John and Mark recorded what they'd managed to pick up for the podcast.
Once they'd got a feel for what might be hanging around, we started some experiments that they had put together to see if we could glean more information regarding what the presence might be or wish to communicate.
The first involved us splitting into 3 teams, one was the two sensitives trying to pick up on vibrations and energies at certain points of the pub, another was attempting to communicate using the old favourite of mediums, the Ouija board, while the third was using automatic writing. Each group would try to answer the same group of questions and the answers would then be compared at the end of 15-20 minutes to see if there was any correlation. This experiment was repeated twice with the groups being different both times. The results were a little scatter shot with some information that could be related but nothing conclusive that could be said to be anything definite.
A group, including the two sensitives did head down into the wet cellar, where they keep the beer and that seemed to give them some evidence of a presence as well as some sense of there being an unpleasant even having taken place down there at some point in the past.
A final experiment involved several objects that were kept away from the group as we sat around the Ouija board again. One person asked the 'spirit' that was suspected to be present in the pub to accompany him to the table with the objects and take note of which one he picked up. He then returned to us and the spirit was asked to spell out the name of the item that had been brought back but kept hidden from us.
This turned out to be quite an interesting experiment as the presence seemed to enjoy taking part and managed to spell out the names of the first 2 objects correctly. The third time the person picking up the objects decided to pull a double bluff and didn't return with anything at all so despite one of the objects being spelled out, it was incorrect.
After this the presence seemed to take the huff and refused to play any more so that was the end of that. It was interesting, though I do wonder if one of the two sat around the board with me were perhaps manipulating the planchette, the 3 cornered device that moves around to pick out letters and numbers on the board. This is just the skeptic in me, but I am assured by the NGI members that they don't do such things as they aren't out to create interesting investigations and most are skeptics to a certain extent like myself.
After a round up for the podcast we left the pub around 3am and made our ways home, I felt quite charged up when I was heading home having enjoyed the evening but once I got to bed I was out like a light until around 9am.
I'm sure there will be a full report on the whole investigation posted up on the NGI website (http://www.northern-ghost-investigations.com/) soon, and hopefully we'll get invited along to more of them to make more podcasts and join in the fun.
I'll link the podcast once it's edited for public listening and online.
Better days people
Shaun
Oh yeah, while writing that last post not only did I age 3 months but I also realised that I'd numbered the days in my posts wrong. I went to take today's cit pill and thought it was odd that I was on week 8 when I was posting as week 7.
I went back an realised I'd make a mistake so edited those posts to show the proper day in my cit journey. Now the winner of this week's 'Spot the Deliberate Mistake' competition is.............me! Woo hoo, what do I win?
Waddya mean a lie down in field?
Week 8, Friday day 54
Well, Gazza turns up in Rothbury, reported as having brought beer and chicken for Raoul Moat and has been on local radio sounding drunk and is apparently causing a bit of commotion at the police cordon. What a circus this whole thing has become, next we'll have Sting in there making an album for the people of Rothbury.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5hpyZ41427PUQ_zdZ3qsCxFKMlz8Q
I think it's terribly inconsiderate of the police to be so close to arresting Moat when the media could string this story out for another week at least. What it going to sell newspapers and keep the masses glued to the TV now?
Happy days :tongue:
YvonneBelle
10-07-10, 23:20
I have lost track of the news lately but watched some earlier and couldn't believe that some people were having a party in the street with an accordian not far away from the police cordon. How wierd are some people? Who could sing and dance in the street making merry whilst something like that was going on? :lac:
Anyway - sounds like your ghost hunting expedition went well. I had to laugh with the spirit taking the huff. Be interesting to know whether the person picked something up and then put it back before returning empty handed. Perhaps the spook was right after all and huffed for that reason. I appreciate it was conducted as an experiment but some spooks don't like to play parlour tricks (apparently).
I'm no expert, but used to watch Living TV quite a bit and know a couple of people who are very good psychic mediums. I am quite intuitive too but have never seen a ghost. I would probably sense a spirit though if one was around. I'm really sensitive to atmospheres and can sometimes get very spooked. I am also healthily skeptic but not cynical. I remain open-minded with these matters and do find it quite an interesting topic.
Good old Gazza causing mahem, like they were seriously going to let him near the guy! It's only a couple of weeks since he was in that drunken crash too.
Week 9, Monday day 57
Note to self, make sure I pick up my repeat prescription before the end of the week when my course of Cit runs out. I meant to pick it up last week and forgot on Friday so now have to nip down to the surgery and collect it so I have a Cit tablet to take this morning. Not a big deal but it shows I've been a bit lacklustre over the past few days.
I might be just a bit apathetic after not getting that job I went for, I haven't been looking much the past week and yesterday I just sat in the house and barely moved, but once in a while doesn't really hurt that much.
I had a big argument with the idiot downstairs about his cat. The landlord and landlady have let him keep a cat despite there being a policy of no pets. We even backed him up by saying we didn't mind the cat being here but now he's starting to tell us to not let the poor thing in after he's let her out and not let her into our flats. Thing is he barely looks after her now and he's getting stroppy with people over her getting back into the house.
He came up stairs on Saturday night and started telling me not to let her in so I just told him we're going in and out of the house all day and we can't always keep an eye out for the cat. He threw a massive wobbler and there were some nasty words involved, primarily because I know he's had a go at others in the house and I decided he wasn't going to do it with me, he'd picked on the wrong person this time and told him in no uncertain terms to go away in short, sharp, jerky movements. He didn't like this but I really didn't care.
That didn't make me feel terribly sociable yesterday so I just sat in my flat watching tv and reading stuff as well as doing the odd Facebook post or blowing stuff up playing EVE. After the ghost hunt last Wednesday my sleeping pattern has been every so slightly shifted, staying up longer at night and sleeping in later in the morning, but that could be put down to the heat as well, I find it difficult settling down for sleep when it's so hot. I should make the effort to get myself back to being up around 8ish this week if I can, just get an early night and that should help. Maybe now the weather is a bit cooler I can manage that.
Right, time to go pick up my prescription folks
Better days
Shaun
YvonneBelle
12-07-10, 11:39
Hiya Shaun,
What a bloody cheek about cat man! Cats are as fast as lightening when they want to be. You don't want to have to be opening the door with trepidation each time you come and go and start any fancy footwork trying to keep the cat out. That's just ridiculous! Hopefully he'll calm down and realise he's not being realistic to expect everyone to be responsible for HIS pet.
I once had a cat issue but I brought it very much on myself. My downstairs neighbours (from hell) owned a cute black and white tuxedo cat, plus a dog and several kids in a two bed flat. The poor cat was always outside and always hungry. Over time I befriended her because she was just so friendly and cute at barely a year old.
Long story short, I let the cat in and started feeding her. She knew where her bread was buttered! I was out all day but she'd be there waiting patiently at night. Despite being allergic to cats she was lovely company and very affectionate!
I decided to visit a friend just before Christmas last year and was really worried about the cat knowing that her proper owners couldn't really care less. However, I figured I couldn't let the cat prevent me from going, so I went with some trepidation and worry.
When I returned I found the poor cat under a hedge looking really poorly and sorry for herself and no neighbours!! They had moved out and left her behind. Perhaps they knew she was spending time with me or perhaps not but either way they left it to chance and she could easily have perished in the freezing cold. As it was, she lay warm on my bed for about a week recovering, getting up occasionally for food or a fuss. Poor thing was exhausted.
Another long story short... I decided I couldn't keep her because she wasn't spayed and I couldn't afford the vets fees. But I did the next best thing and got her re-homed via a pet sanctuary that got her neutered chipped and vaccinated and she's now living with a family somewhere in the countryside.
Happy ending... but it makes me so annoyed when people have pets and then don't look after them properly or blame others for their pet's comings and goings.
Cats especially are a law unto themselves.
Ever tried herding them? :D
Shaun, the right job is waiting for you. Take this as a blessing in disguise.
Yvonne
Well I made a whoopsie didn't I!
Went along to the health centre and asked about my repeat prescription and found it wasn't there. I haven't really done one of these before and didn't know you had to pre-order it a couple of days before.
Fortunately the woman on the desk sent a message through to my doc and said it should be ready by 4, so I'll just take my Cit a few hours late. Oh well, that will teach me :P
The guy with the cat got a mouthful mainly because I wasn't going to take his crap and I was standing up for the others in the house too that have had to put up with his whining attitude. He's not even supposed to have the cat here and the landlord has said if he makes it a problem then he's out. Like most bullies I've encountered over the years though he scurried off, still yelling like he was winning but he knew I was the wrong person to pull that kind of thing on. I laughed at him as he started barking orders at me and telling me 'it was the biggest mistake I'd made'.
He was very quiet yesterday :)
Hi raindog first forgive any spelling erorrs i make as its allways been my worst skill.
anyways you are not allone with your dailly feelings or your life.
as i am 44 this august and years ago had a terable time with drugs and it left me feeling realy realy out of sorts for 5 years unusual not real in life numb you name it i felt it and i had this overwelming feeling that i would never be happiey ever again and i couldnot switch of my very negitive thaughts they were with me the whole of my day and i thing i use to fall asleap purley down to exsausion from my day..iwas like this for 4 long years and had no familliy help or any close friends i was completley on my own and felt this was it forever...i developed all sorts of phobias on top of all this. but somehow i got through and out the other side one day and celibrated life again i never felt this would ever be possable ever again but i did...i just stayed possitive in my belefe as much as i could which as you know is realy hard because you get so much negitive thaughts randomally coming into your head all the time you are awake and they are so powafull you cnt concintrate or beleve anything eles you try to destract your self with ...you have to just tell your self ( but meen it ) dont just say the words , you realy have to inforce and beleive in yourself...telling your self throughout your day( I AM IN CONTROLL I WILL GET THROUGH THIS DAY AND I WILL WORRIE ABOUT TOMOROW WHEN IT COMES)you feel like you are just excisting from one day to the next and you feel made and all bad memories come back and feel worse then ever because this is your brain making you feel negitive so you only focas on neg things in life this might be ( the person you are , things you said to someone , things you have done , things you have whitnessed and so on) but this isnt for ever if you try and stay strong and beleive that you will get better try to envolve yourself outside the negitive world that starts to develop in your mind you almost have to push yourself slowly in doing things short burst that you dont feel like you want to do , but if you do slowly you are telling your brain to focus on more possitive thinking and you will start to feel slight changes inyourself keep telling yourself you are going to be fine and you will get through this its just going to take time...and you have plenty of it....its easy said then done you dont feel like its real anymore you watch everyone eles in life having fun and this just reminds you of how sad and shit you feel...when this happens just tell yourself you will have this all again sometime ...but you will have this its not gone forever.....they say time is a great healer....prase yourself everyday you get through and remind yourself that you are not alown and there are other people much worse of then yourself ,sad fact but its true because when we are feeling like you are its easy to thing you are the only one ...you are not....it takes time but i prommiss you will recover with possitive thinking and strength its tiering and you go to hell before you rise again im afraid but this is when you have to be strong and remember when you feel any slight possitive thaughts or feelings....enjoy them and remind yourself of them telling yourself you will get better and are on the road to recovery you are in controll and its all in your mind this will inforce that excperiance and moment helping you to get more and more possitive thaughts and relaxing moments....the more possitive feelings you get the more they breed so before you know it you feel life picking up and you will be gaining your confidence and social life back again and start to feel....NORMAL AGAIN..
trust me friend you are as normal as everyone elese you are just not very well at this time in life and like any other normal person you will recover stick with it and i am allways ready to chat anytime you like.....take care
Greg
Hi Greg
Well since the start of my 2nd week I've been at a point where I am pretty positive, certainly compared to before that when I was horribly desperate and negative. I've had a short blip where I felt a bit tense but that was something I could identify and deal with, so it showed that the Cit was helping when I could look at my own feelings and situation more objectively and just get on with it.
Week 9, Tuesday day 58
Feeling a bit unmotivated today, didn't do much yesterday, just couldn't be bothered really. I got my Cit sorted out after 4pm so I'll have to remember next time to get things sorted on the week that I'm taking the last of my current course.
Not a great start to the morning, just managed to tip my little pan of porridge over while it was on the cooker and spill some of it down the front of the stove and onto the floor. Not a pleasant mess to clean up and I only got half my usual breakfast but it does give me a reason to clean the top of the cooker where the porridge has pooled around the gas jet. Just have to wait until it cools a bit.
You always feel a bit jangled after doing something stupid like that, it sets you off for the whole day feeling like a real dufus :D
Anyway, I'm having breakfast, such that it is, at a more reasonable hour that the past few days, it's been lunch pretty much on a few occasions over the weekend. Now I just need to clean the cooker top and get myself motivated to get out of the house today.
Better days people
Shaun
Ah, someone else who has suffered the repeat prescription fandango. I did exactly the same thing last year. Had to go down to quarter tablets as I was scared of cold turkeying through running out. Always keep ahead of myself now!
Well it's week 12 and I've not posted for a while,did you miss me :)
What do you mean no?
Anyway, week 12 and I've been busy doing this, that and some of the other, job interviews, all that kind of thing so I've not had a lot of time and energy to put into maintaining this thread. Not that it would have been all that interesting anyway, got up, felt ok, went for a walk, had job interview, didn't get job, surprise! :P
I thought I'd drop back in to let people who I spoke to here know I'm doing ok, I'm back to my good old trouble making self, in fact that kind of leads in nicely to my current bit of pot stirring, for those who have spoken to me in chat over the past few weeks <insert your own spoon related joke here> .
This is a post I made in the small hour of this morning on the forums here, one that people may well be interested in and wish to comment on or pass on to someone you know would like to contribute to this discussion, I think it''s a worth cause, and you can always trust a Raindog on that :)
It's a discussion I've kicked off about a separate room in chat for the more sensitive issues that people are unable to currently talk about as it can upset the more vulnerable people in the main chat room, but who could use help from time to time, like I saw last night, we had to refuse someone the chance to just talk and be listened to because the subject they wanted to talk about was a taboo one, so they left feeling disappointed at not being able to say how they were feeling about it.
Show your support, add to the discussion, pass it on to friends, get behind it if you can.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=78861
Better days everyone :)
steveo1980
03-08-10, 13:18
Well it's week 12 and I've not posted for a while,did you miss me :)
What do you mean no?
Anyway, week 12 and I've been busy doing this, that and some of the other, job interviews, all that kind of thing so I've not had a lot of time and energy to put into maintaining this thread. Not that it would have been all that interesting anyway, got up, felt ok, went for a walk, had job interview, didn't get job, surprise! :P
I thought I'd drop back in to let people who I spoke to here know I'm doing ok, I'm back to my good old trouble making self, in fact that kind of leads in nicely to my current bit of pot stirring, for those who have spoken to me in chat over the past few weeks <insert your own spoon related joke here> .
This is a post I made in the small hour of this morning on the forums here, one that people may well be interested in and wish to comment on or pass on to someone you know would like to contribute to this discussion, I think it''s a worth cause, and you can always trust a Raindog on that :)
It's a discussion I've kicked off about a separate room in chat for the more sensitive issues that people are unable to currently talk about as it can upset the more vulnerable people in the main chat room, but who could use help from time to time, like I saw last night, we had to refuse someone the chance to just talk and be listened to because the subject they wanted to talk about was a taboo one, so they left feeling disappointed at not being able to say how they were feeling about it.
Show your support, add to the discussion, pass it on to friends, get behind it if you can.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=78861
Better days everyone :)
Really glad to hear that things have improved and you feel yourself again :)
Could you rephrase that last bit please steve, don't want everyone knowing about that.
It just proves that the loss of libido you sometimes get with taking Cit isn't permanent :D
steveo1980
03-08-10, 20:02
Could you rephrase that last bit please steve, don't want everyone knowing about that.
It just proves that the loss of libido you sometimes get with taking Cit isn't permanent :D
LOL, sorry mate, i thought everyone knew :shades:.
Glad you are feeling a little more like your old self again :yesyes:
YvonneBelle
03-08-10, 20:12
LOL you guys.... :D
Glad to see you've still got a sense of humour, which is a good sign I reckon!
Thanks for the update and will check out the thread you mentioned.
Yvonne
Yeah, thanks Steve, well the cat's certainly out the bag now innit :P
Hi Yvonne, my sense of humour was always working, even through the darkest times, but it's in full effect now, as you'll see if you drop by my Crash Raindog FB page.
Week 13
Now it's amusing but people seem to get worried about the number 13, some even have phobias about it, Triskaidekaphobia if you were wondering, I won't say google it as we all know it's not the advised course of action to go looking up symptoms on Dr Google™, but I find I have a certain affinity with this number. Where some people claim Friday 13th is unlucky I often find I have instances of fortunate events take place on those days. Perhaps it's just my aura of chaos twisting things around.
Anyway, I just got a call from a little new media company I was interviewed by the other week and they've offered me the job. Best bit of it is that the office is only 10 minutes walk down the road, so no travelling expenses, besides footwear, and I'll be doing the job I enjoy, programming and web development.
I'm off for a celebratory biscuit, have fun folks!
Better days
Top news raindog - all the best for the new job.
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