Very Distressed - Intrusive Thoughts

[Self Doubt]

For many years now I have had intrusive thoughts and images. They started out with something terrible happening to a loved one and I never really understood why I had these thoughts in my head. Over the past few months the thoughts and images have become something more. Out of nowhere the thoughts and images where of me doing the terrible things to the people I love. If this was not distressing enough I started having very sexually explicit thoughts and images jump into my head. Having some experience with intrusive thoughts I pushed them form my mind and pretended they where never there. But with each thought I found myself dwelling on them more and more. It seems these thoughts aren't biased at all as they can involve anyone, family members, friends, strangers, of all ages from very young children to the elderly, and even animals. The thoughts have become so bad that whenever I am around anyone the thoughts jump into my head and I have to leave the room. The most distressing intrusive thoughts are about young children. Somewhere at some point I have convinced myself I am a pedophile and whenever I see a child out in public, on tv or the internet I feel very uncomfortable, I panic and worry I might get aroused and I have to leave the area or change the channel on the tv. I've tried telling myself these thoughts mean nothing, but with each one I question myself - maybe I like these thoughts subconsciously and this is what I am going to become. I don't think I have ever hated myself more in my life :weep: Am I a bad person?

[aeroz21]

You're not a bad person. These thoughts are quite normal with people who suffer from anxiety. I have LOADS of intrusive thoughts - to the point where I've been close to begging my parents to take me to the hospital and be put in a padded room, or remove anything sharp from the house, and I have also given my mum all my medications just incase I 'snap' and take them all at once. Like you, I'll see a person like a family member, friend, stranger, or even my pets and have thoughts of doing bad things to them. They scare me to death. There are days where I won't go anywhere near my guinea pig for fear of losing control and harming him. Then I worry that if I just start letting these thoughts come and go in my mind without challenging them with some anxiety, that I will eventually start believing them and God forbid carry them out. It's exhausting. So I pretty much know how you feel. Are you seeing anyone about this? A doctor, counsellor, etc?

[Self Doubt]

Thanks aeroz, your post has reassured me a bit. It's strange, if I'm in a good frame of mind when I get these thoughts I can usually tell my self that these are just what the are: thoughts. But then there are other times when I believe completely that I'm going to succumb to these thoughts. I've been seeing a therapist for two years now but only go once a month now. I mentioned it last time I visited but I didn't say much about it or how much distress it has been causing me. Constantly when I reason with myself I think "Yes I have anxiety disorder, but what if I'm an exception, or that it's just a coincidence and I am a bad person."

[BunnyMazonas]

There is nothing wrong with you, you are not a bad person and you are not going crazy. All of us with anxiety issues get these thoughts. You can be so distressed by them that you're there in tears and still the thoughts come. They are horrible, but just try to remember that this is not YOU thinking these things. I think of it like this;

Our minds are made up, effectively, of thousands of tiny little "Us" things, each one different. The rational Us that always thinks in numbers, the scared Us that sees danger everywhere, the imaginitive Us that can see potential in everything, the srtistic Us, the sad Us, the joyous Us, the optimistic Us,pessimistic Us and so on... all of these collective little voices make up the world we experience, and then We are the deciding vote out of all of them.

Somewhere in amongst all that is the Us that likes to play around with our minds. Always thinking thoughts that make us scared, or feel bad. Sometimes that Us speaks louder than the others. Tell that little Us to shut up, refuse to listen, remember that while that voice is shouting over the others, the little joyous Us, the optimistic Us, the peaceful Us are still there, still raising their little voices. Just try and tune into them!

I don't know if that sounds crazier than the voices themselves, but it sometimes helps me! :D

[Self Doubt]

Thanks BunnyMazonas. No, it doesn't sound crazy. I can understand what you mean. It even puts perspective on my situation :)

[Idstain]

Hi, i am sorry to hear things are so bad for you at the moment :(

i went through the same thing and know it is not pleasant at all. I recommend you check out the book in my signature, you can read most of it online for free here http://books.google.com/books?id=UDYWZZYne54C&printsec=frontcover&dq=mindfulness+and+acceptance+workbook+for+anxiety&ei=euf7S93vPIm-zgTC5MzaAQ&cd=1#v=onepage&q&f=false . if you've only got time to have a glance right now i recommend taking a look at chapter 8.

good luck!

[Self Doubt]

Wow. there's lots there. I don't have time to read through it tonight but tomorrow I'll start on it. I've read though some other material on anxiety before and found it to be very helpful. Thanks :D