Sad and Scared

[nursey4]

Hi all,
Just feeling really crappy, worried and alone today. I haven't posted on here all that much but here's a brief history.

32 years old, panic disorder started at 24 while traveling overseas, major health anxiety but also have chronic physical anxiety. My anxiety revolves mainly around my heart as I have thuds, skips, flutters and pain on (usually) a daily basis.

Anyways, last night I had a dream that I could not breathe and I woke up gasping, relieved that I could breathe. My anxiety generally does not involve not being able to breathe. I truly believe that for some reason, I could not breathe and that it was not just the dream because the feeling was so incredibly strong. I am now thinking I may have central sleep apnea (different than obstructive sleep apnea which happens more often to overweight people and they seem to snore a lot- I do not meet that criteria).
Central sleep apnea can have no cause or it can happen to people with brain stem issues or heart failure- great, now I have heart failure!!! I am joking in a way, but that is how my mind works! Now I am scared to sleep tonight because I am afraid it will happen again and I may not wake up. It is weird because I have been complaining that I have been so unbelievably tired lately. It is almost as though I could fall asleep standing up. I take naps in the day. And then this happens and now I am convinced that I have central sleep apnea which can cause strokes, heart attacks (ugh!!) and high blood pressure. I tried to go to 2 clinics today but there was such a long wait at both I decided to forget it. I may try to go again tonight- not that the doc will be able to diagnose me without a sleep study but maybe I can get enough reassurance to sleep tonight.

I am just soooo sick of this. My family is also sick of this. My husband just called and I said I felt anxious and depressed today and he didn't say much. What can he say really- I mean I feel this way so often. I asked my mom if she could come over but she couldn't. I know she is sick of my issues as well and I don't want to make my family unhappy. I am not particularly suicidal but I just don't want to hurt and burden other people anymore and today I feel like I have very little to live for. I realize that I feel this way and then the next day I may feel better but today I just feel so desperate.
The things I want to do most in the world- travel and have kids- are not possible for me right now on account of the severity of my anxiety.

I'm sorry, I'm really just venting hoping to find someone who can relate as I'm sure many of can. Not that I would wish this upon anyone!! I just feel like I have dealt with this for so long and I've been to different kinds of therapy and taken many different meds and nothing works for any length of time. I wish there were more help and support out there. I just don't know where to go or who to talk to.

OK, that's all for this rant! I hope you are having a better day than I, but if you're not, feel free to commiserate!

Sarah

[PokerFace]

Hiii Sarah

The waking up and not being able to breathe could be anxiety as I seem to get a new symptom every day. I can kind of relate to it because when I was 17 I used to wake up in the middle of the night and feel like a pushing sensation like all my blood was rushing to my head, I wouldn't be able to move and my heart would be beating so hard I could feel it in every inch of me! My anxiety wasnt so bad when I was younger so I just used to kick my leg, roll over and go back to sleep but after a few times of it happening I forced myself to go to the doctor (im very scared of them) and after an ecg and blood test she told me everything was fine and I never thought about it again. It's a good idea if you can get to see a doctor because she/he will put your mind at rest.

My anxiety came back about 11 weeks ago when I had two muscle spasms in my chest which I mistook for a heart attack and I'm very scared about my heart too so I understand how you feel completely. Is horrible with health anxiety because you can't escape your own body and your own body is what's scaring you! :( I have chest bangs randomly, chest pains and a fast heart beat to go with them! (80+ bpm on a good day) It's all anxiety as I've had my heart checked it's just hard to get my head round it.

I also understand how you feel with the family thing. My mum and sister are sick of me "inventing a new illness everyday" but I can't help it. I nearly lost my boyfriend over it as we were just getting "serious" when all this anxiety came about and he didn't know how to deal with me. Is hard when we say we're anxious and sad to them and they don't say anything back or don't know what to say, it always makes me feel a little bit worse but to be honest I never know what I was expecting in response. I feel bad too cuz it's probably as hard for them to see us like this as it is for us to feel the way we do. What I try to do now is throw them off lol! I go sit with my mum on the sofa maybe have a cuddle then after a bit I'm like "Mum..my chest hurts pretty bad today" and she reassures me probably without even realising it by telling me it's probably the way I've slept or the way I was sitting earlier, which is most probably true!

I know as I'm sure you do, the only people who can help us the most is ourselves. You want to have kids and travel and you CAN and you will. Anxiety can't hold us back forever, just remember the longer we LET it hold us back the tighter it's grip gets on us. I'm not saying go to the otherside of the world tomorrow and start trying for kids next week of course lol! Baby steps are slow but they are extremely effective. Find out something that works for you. At the moment mine is a normal sleeping pattern (I've lost it though this week as I had a little anxiety "relapse" if you like) exercise and a balanced diet. Exercise makes me feel like my heart is getting stronger, also reassures me because if I was about to have a heart attack or I had a fatal heart condition, I couldnt exercise the way I do! :D

I'm sorry to hear your feeling so bad at the moment, but I hope this post cheers you up a bit and maybe reassured you. I can relate to you completely! Take care and feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to talk to xx

[Ronny]

Hello Sarah......I am a mum to a 35yr old daughter, and I would love to send you a big hug:bighug1:I hope this brightens your day.Have you tried CBT,all I know is that it has helped me greatly.Be kind to yourself
Love Rhonda:flowers:

[nursey4]

Ronny and PokerFace,

Thank-you so much for responding! Ronny your hug gave me tears (such a dork, I am:) and PokerFace, I am sorry that you can relate. It is an awful illness isn't it?!
Through the 8 years that I have this, I have had ups and downs. I have been completely housebound but I also went to university and got my nursing degree and work in Psychiatry of all things!! It is odd for me to counsel others at times when I am as sick as they are.
PokerFace, I have had so much cardiac testing done repeatedly and they have all come back normal. I always feel better when I get those good results but after a few months or if I have a bad bout of palps or pains, I slip back into my old fears. I do exercise as well, but I am scared to go too intense. I think if I could exercise at a higher intensity, I would feel much, much better. I definitely believe in that- good on you for being able to do it!
Ronny, I did do CBT. Either I didn't try hard enough or it didn't work for me. I did it for a long time with a very experienced psychiatrist and maybe I had some limited success but, I don't know, it seems my anxiety is so incredibly physical that it's my body that is more of the problem than my thoughts- if that makes any sense at all. I realize it is the "gold standard" for anxiety disorders and I am glad it has helped you. I would be open to trying it again.

Thanks again for your replies. Hearing your kind words and ability to relate DOES make a difference as this is such a lonely illness.
Take care,
Sarah

[PokerFace]

I'm glad it made you feel better :D

I was scared of exercise cuz of my heart for 5 weeks too. Is horrible isnt it!

Have you tried the Wii? I just usually bounce around like a loon for half an hour on a dancing game I got then do some Wii fit for however long im comfertable with (from half hour to an hour)! It's fun as well as exercise so I don't really think about my heart when I'm doing it. Theres lots of exercises on there, I tend to do the areobic ones so I'm exercising my heart. On the Wii Fit Plus you can set up your own exercise routeine to whatever you're comfertable with from yoga to exercises that make you work up a real sweat.
Mines jogging, super hula hoop (you look like a dummy but its fun and good exercise suprisingly!) boxercise haha and a few others cant think off the top of my head. Cuz they make it into a game you don't think OMG MY HEART. I do the yoga too once I've done my work out cuz it's supposed to help with anxiety and muscular pain which to be honest I think it really does! I'm becoming more relaxed, I get less pain and I'm learning how to breathe properly and becoming more flexible lol! LOL just realised I sound like an advert but if you havn't tried it, it's something I recommend.

Of course you can go to classes and stuff to do all this too, I just find it works best for me cuz I get to do it in the comfort of my own bedroom. I don't have to worry about how I look when I'm doing it cuz no one can see me or if I'll have a panic attack cuz I'm somewhere new, is just much more relaxing for me. Hopefully when I'm feeling better I'll sign up for a yoga class.

I know how tiring it is to worry about our hearts, I've even started talking to mine LOL. I'm not crazy I swear! :D When the pains and the palps that set us off come round again we just gotta try to stay positive, think about all the testing we had done. Our hearts are healthy and fit, they're just disobediant for us anxiety sufferers!

Glad we made a difference :) xxx