afraid of being more relaxed about life

[wec]

hi guys,

I'm a new user who's just signed up for the purposes of posting this message and hoping someone can help me (/talk some sense into me). I've always had negative thinking habits, and these developed into a (not-too-severe) anxiety disorder a while ago. I worked through that using meditation, support from friends, and lessons to change my thinking habits (CBT-like stuff I guess). But I havent managed to fully get rid of some of my bad habits, and they've been 'surfacing' again recently.

basically, I worry and stress about lots of things. I worry about worrying, I worry about the future and what it'll hold, I worry about lots of things I can't control (what other people will do, whether someone will call me back, etc). I've been trying to work on this, and I'm so close to becoming a more relaxed person, but I've realised I'm afraid of being more relaxed and not worrying as much.

I'm basically afraid that if I stop worrying about stuff, it'll 'slip away', or I'll stop caring about it; the feeling is as if I'm gripping onto the important things in my life through worry and if I stop worrying then they'll drift away. one example is my girlfriend (at uni); for example, I worry (excessively) about whether we'll lose contact during times when we cant see each other a lot (such as holiday periods, or exam time) - and then this gets out of control because I start worrying about worrying, and it ends up being a vicious cycle. But I'm afraid that if I stop worrying about it and adopt a more relaxed approach ('theres nothing I can do about what happens in the future, there's no point worrying about stuff I cant affect'), then I'll stop caring about whether we stay in contact, and we'll just drift away from each other.

And then I start overthinking it by wondering whether there's a perfect balance between worrying and being apathetic, and how to find that balance.

so, yeah. I was just wondering if anyone could offer me any advice, or basically just reassurance that I can become more relaxed without losing the things I care about. thanks a lot for any advice :)

[panicdiva]

First of all...well done for even trying to stop worrying so much, for recognising that your worrying can be excessive and for admitting that you are afraid to stop worrying. You may not realise it, but the fact that you are aware of it and admitting it is a huge step in the right direction!!!:yesyes:

I admire you for that because it took me a long long time to admit to myself that I am afraid to stop worrying.

It sounds to me like you are making progress, so just keep on doing what your doing. You probably will never be totally free from worrying a bit more than is necessary, but you will get to a point where you will look back and realise that you have come along way.

Maybe you could keep a journal to record you thoughts & worries. writing it down sometimes helps to put things into perspective and it's good to look back & see the progress you are making.
:yahoo:

[panicdiva]

Also meant to say... don't beat yourself up about the set backs, but praise yourself for the small steps forward!

[wec]

Thank you :)
I do try to praise myself about the small steps forward, but it's hard sometimes.

Do you have any advice for me on the subject of being afraid to relax? I'm actually afraid of ceasing to care about people I know :/

[Bill]

I worry about worrying

In other words, you're dwelling and analysing every worry and fear you think of. The easy advice but maybe not so easy to put into practise is to Don't over-analyse.

I would guess you're probably a deep thinker and like things planned out with certainty but life isn't like that. When people say to relax, they also mean to take a more relaxed approach to life by accepting what will be will be, and not to keep worrying about all the what if's.

The fear of relaxing is just another what if and like all fears, you can only prove to yourself it's safe by allowing yourself to do what you fear so just try relaxing and see what happens.....and try not to analyse all your thoughts.:winks:

[wec]

I worry about worrying

In other words, you're dwelling and analysing every worry and fear you think of. The easy advice but maybe not so easy to put into practise is to Don't over-analyse.

I would guess you're probably a deep thinker and like things planned out with certainty but life isn't like that. When people say to relax, they also mean to take a more relaxed approach to life by accepting what will be will be, and not to keep worrying about all the what if's.

The fear of relaxing is just another what if and like all fears, you can only prove to yourself it's safe by allowing yourself to do what you fear so just try relaxing and see what happens.....and try not to analyse all your thoughts.:winks:

Thank you Bill :)

Your words are helpful, and very true. Particularly the idea of life being something where the future is just not controllable. And there's nothing I can do about that except change how that affects me.

[joannap]

i can go with this fear you have - i used to worry about changing my thoughts from negative to positive in case i was not "me" anymore! the thing is however - is that you will definitely not go to the other end of the scale - you will just have a more positive, balanced approach to situations in your life so instead of being terrified about loosing your girlfriend - you will still try hard to make the relationship work but you will realise that you cannot control every aspect of it and if things go wrong - you know you have the inner strength to cope and look forward to meeting someone new in the future x

[Bill]

I constantly worry about my life being crap and told my therapist I can't stop because then I will be living in a delusion.

Generally speaking, perhaps to attempt to stop worrying would be going against what makes us who we are. If we didn't worry, we wouldn't be conscientious so we wouldn't care. If we didn't care, nor would we be sensitive and so end up being a totally alien person to what we were born to be. Perhaps if instead everyone were worriers, we'd all worry about each other more so we'd then also care much more about others so the world would be a better place. I say...just be you and let others be more like "You"!

Ok, but you say your worry makes you feel so anxious al the time. Then I'd say, don't try to be something you're not and instead remind yourself of the admirable qualities you hold.

Just remember, when you want a little worry, then worry but just don't dwell and analyse it deeply because then you will become anxious. Just be you and if you feel your life is crap, think of the things you want to change that will make your life better and then focus your attention on achieving your goals rather than worrying about worrying what thoughts you think that you feel you want to worry about worrying about that worry you into worrying why you're worrying about thoughts that worry you......or you'll tie yourself up in knots!:wacko::hugs:

When you think of a worry, think instead of something beautiful.....ah, I know, how about a Dahlia?:flowers:

[daybyday]

When we live in worry state for so long, it becomes a normal mode of our day. And that somehow if we stop worrying, it means we don't care. If we step back and really look at that reasoning, we know it doesn't make sense and we desire to be free from it, but it is locked into our thought processess very deeply.
Somewhere in my childhood I learned a response of worry to situations, probably from the adults around me. As the years went along, each concern had to find a place in my brain to sit for resolve, and so situations of concern immediately went to the worry zone of my thinking. And that for me has to be renewed. Easier said then done, but I recognize it. And that is a step forward.
Worriers tend to be empathetic people, who see hurt in others.

[helluvafella]

You are probaby a genius or a very caring person who worries about other people far more than themselves.
I am a worrier - always have been, always will be. I have learned not to take on too much and if I feel the "whizzes!" dizziness that anxiety brings I give myself a break. I have accepted that that is the way I am I can't change it so I am gentle on myself.

Sounds daft but if I let the "ultra efficient" person that is inside me have their way - I end up ill. So I try to control her and it works for me. I don't have to set myself goals that I can't ever reach. Lists are good!

[Belfry1973]

Strangely I worry like that as well! I often think to myself if I didnt have the anxiety and panic what would I have? And thats a barrier to me getting better, and its a subject I must really talk about my counsellor with!