Depression - panic has ruined my life

[orangeblossom]

Hello All,

I've not posted on the NMP forum for quite a long time now, but I've popped back to read posts now and then.

I've had panic + emetaphobia badly for over ten years now and I've struggled really hard to even get where I am now. I've increasingly been looking at my life - the past and the present - and realised that I've been forced into making so many decisions that I would never have made were it not for the p/a and phobia. To the point, right now, that I am no where near where I'd like to be with my life. So much of it has been wasted and I can't see a future anymore - nevermind one that is worth fighting and working hard for.

I doubt I am the only one who only has a small, poorly paid, part-time job because I can't cope with any more than that right now - although I would dearly love to have a full-time job that I could be proud of. I'd love to have a family, but can't. I'd love to have my own home, but can't afford one with my useless job. It has been really breaking my heart, especially recently.

Depression has really taken hold and, thankfully, I have an appointment with a therapist next week which, I hope to goodness, helps.

I apologise for going on. I wasn't sure where else to turn to, nor any other people who might understand.

Thank you,
Orange x x x

[orangeblossom]

Hi,

Just thought I'd add that I've found that when I'm caught up in the day-to-day p/a cycle of simply trying to cope and get through each minute, it is somehow easier than when you can take a deep breath and take a long, hard look at your life.

My anxiety has been slowly decreasing over the last year, and it has only been in the last few weeks that I've had the opportunity to simply look at my life. And it isn't a pretty nor a happy picture. It is a mass of missed opportunities.

I'm hitting 30 this year and, somehow, that makes it all worse. I've wasted all of my late teens and twenties to massive anxiety. The vast majority of my friends and acquaintances have been working hard through their twenties forging careers, travelling and are now starting to settle down, buy homes and have families. I am so happy for them and yet, I feel as if my own heart is breaking because I simply haven't a chance at any of that. Things that most people would consider perfectly normal parts of life.

I think it is this realisation that has really hit me so very hard.

I fully appreciate that even being slightly free of anxiety for a couple of days is a high point for many - it has been for me for a very, very long time - and that what I'm talking about are things that many people also don't/can't have.

Despite that, they are things that I would love to have but know that they are not for me. It has gone from being a question of 'when' or 'if' to 'nevermind...:-(' and it makes life unbearable and future-less.

[StoneMonkey]

Hi OrangeBlossom,
Sorry you are feeling so low.
Everyone is restricted by finances but we are restricted by so many things.
Sometimes they all just add up to too much and a tiny thing can make us depressed.
Holding down a part time job is a huge achievment to many here but can seem a tiny victory in the outside world.
I feel that there is me and there is an imaginary me that i could have been without the illness. In a way i sometimes feel i have to grieve for the potential life that the illness took from me. (Success, family, social standing etc).
I hope the therapist helps you and that tomorrow is a little happier.
Simon.

[longliam]

Hi,

I am 31, i have suffered from depression and anxiety for some years now and i know exactly how you feel. My panic attacks are despicable and relentless. However i always see light at the end of the tunnel. I make myself reflect on all that happens to me and i acknowledge that there is always positives.
For example:
People who suffer from depression and anxiety are always good people. Have you ever met a sufferer who is not a good person? so first and foremost be aware that you are a good person. A person with conscience and empathy, because if you were not, you wouldn't fear-worry-panic-suffer from depression!
Secondly, this is just an episode, albeit a long one, this is just a period of your life, as you grow you will change, you will find the path that leads you into a stable mindset, just believe that.
Thirdly, you are never alone, you are always part of a group of people who are experiencing the same problems as yourself.
And finally, You are actually privileged, you are part of a group who will love and cherish 'normality' when it reaches you. When this episode passes and you wake up and smell the nature, and feel the wonder of this world you will always cherish it with a superior love as you have battled and won, you will never forget this time, and as crazy as it may sound, cherish this as this is the period that you are going to build your life on. The foundations are always the most difficult part of any project, now construct your life from this point and begin to believe that you are evolving into a super strong person.
Be strong my friend, you will be the Victor x

[jaded jean]

Longliam.
That was so eloquently put.
We in this position of anxiety/depression do not realise sometimes what inner strength we have as we go through each day -working if we can or, doing our daily routines whilst battling with these god awful at times gremlins who make us look at the world differently.We do cherish the clarity of the moment when it comes and I am filled withe immense happiness when it does come to me.
Jean

[joannap]

i agree with all the lovely replies here. i also tend to think that we think that those who do have successful careers//children etc are the "happy" ones but this is often not the case. they may not have an anxiety condition but they too will have their own demons/problems and so it helps if you do not compare yourself to others. who knows what the future will bring - you may have your own house one day, you may be in fulfilling work - do not write yourself off lol!

i for one have suffered terrible times with anxiety but at my worst - it has actually helped to improve my life - sounds mad i know! for instance - i used to spend hours on the internet every night whilst poor husband was sat on his own downstairs. i used to get stressed about my house being clean and tidy all the time (we have 4 dogs/2 birds) and so did not really enjoy my pets because i was ocd about housework! but when i am really anxious - i realise that it is the "little" things that are important - its not just having a wonderful job etc - its spending time with loved ones and enjoying what you have in your life right now x

[Raindog]

Hi,
I understand about looking back and seeing missed opportunities, my life seems filled with them and now I feel like I've wasted so much time and don't have enough left to really make an impact in any way, but you hear plenty of stories of people picking things up later in life and making a success of things. I'm only 41 so it could happen and that's one of the things that has kept me going through my depression bouts, you never know what's waiting around the corner.

I feel a bit lost sometimes in the fast pace of today's world, all the paperwork and hoops you have to jump through to get anywhere. We're all expected to earn big sums of money and have the house, the car, the expensive toys and high flying career to be seen as a success but does that really matter in the long run?

You're only 30, so take heart that you can find your direction in life. I'm 41 and still unsure about mine, it's confusing but I think I may find it some day.

Better days to you Blossom.

[Baggie]

Hi orangeblossom

I'm sorry to read that you've been feeling low recently. Feeling panic in your life can be a hard thing to bear at times as it can creep out of nowhere for no particular reason, leaving you frustrated and then down. You often feel like you're never getting out of the bit at times.

However, as longliam has stated so beautifully in his post, "people who suffer from depression and anxiety are always good people". When you have had issues with anxiety/depression/panic yourself, I think that you will always have much empathy and understanding for others facing these problems.

In our lowest moments, it's easy to drift into thinking about what has passed us by over time because of our anxiety. You can find yourself trapped in a cycle of negative unhelpful thinking, which can be difficult to break (I know from my own experience as it happens to me at times). This can drag you down and leave you feeling so deflated. My own way of coping with those moments is to write down 3 things that I've done well that morning/afternoon when the low moment has struck. Yesterday afternoon I felt a bit rotten (PMS didn't help lol!) but I thought of 3 things I'd done which were positive - (1) I made a lovely teabread for a cuppie (2) I painted pictures with my young daughter and (3) I took time out & chilled out on the couch for 20 minutes listening to one of my CD's. All of these things made me feel good when I thought about them.

I think that it's fantastic that you're out there working, holding down a job despite feeling like this. It takes a lot of courage so well done and be very proud of yourself!

Anxiety, depression and panic can be the pits. The feelings which they invoke can drain you so much but, if you take things just one day at a time, cherishing the good moments while accepting that the bad ones won't last forever, you will find a way forward.:hugs:

Take care. xx

[katyw66]

Hi orange blossomsorry your'e feeling so bad.I find that I get a lot of help from the really considerate poeple on this site .Its made me want to try again even tho like u I feel I've lost about twelve years or maybe more of my life to depression.What a waste and I dont have that much time left cos I'm 60 bloody 3 Not much room for optimism,no strength to get up and start anew.time is on your side tho and I really hope you find the strength to get going with your life,it is worth it, we only have one of them.Good luckto you katyxxx

[longliam]

Guys, Cut a long story short.....my auntie suffered from Depression and anxiety and she was the most wonderful person you could ever want too meet, unfortunately she passed away a few weeks ago, falling to pancreatic cancer. This is a link to a song i wrote and recorded for her, hope you can all find some inspiration from it. And thx for the lovely comments, L x http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAInrB5tlZM

[nursey4]

Orange- I so know how you feel. I am 32 and have had severe anxiety since I was 24. I still feel as though I am 24 in many ways because I kind of stopped growing emotionally when I got sick.
I think (as many ppl here have already said) it's so important to focus on the small things that you can be proud of. You work- that's awesome!! I went through a period of time, early on in my illness, when I would have been happy just to be able to get up and do some crappy job but I could not because my agoraphobia and anxiety were so intense. It's easy for me to say and it's VERY hard for me to listen to my own advice. I feel I am at the point where I should be thinking about having kids now (it seems EVERYONE I know is pregnant or has young children) but because of the anxiety I feel I have not traveled enough yet and have not had the chance to really figure myself out. Also, I am extremely scared to pass this disorder on- my mom has it, my cousin, my grandmother, etc.
You are not yet 30- so you are very young still. When I first saw the title of your post I thought you'd be in your 50's or something. Not to offend anyone in their 50's- sorry, didn't mean it that way!
There is lots of time ahead for you. If you have the energy and the strength just try to find something you enjoy even if you don't have the motivation yet. Ahhh, I know it is a brutal, unfair theft of large parts of our lives. But I bet if you looked back you would see the accomplishments you have made since you got anxiety/depression and you would find at least a few things to be proud of.
Go easy on yourself girl!

[tonystalloney]

Orange, you wont appreciate this, but you gained so much strenght and wisdom over the years dealing with this, its something money cant buy

"as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death"

you are emerging from the valley now with wisdom

[loulabella]

Longliam - beautiful song, really really beautiful. You have some talent there sugar! Wow :) x x x

[Typer]

Logliam, I just logged in and left a message on your youtube - very beautiful song, well written and sung.

My son is a singer/song writer too. You are very talented and I hope you do more.