jen jen
30-05-10, 15:59
ok well i am new at this and bare with me if i waffle on hope i wont though. Really i dont know how to feel i have so much going on in my head its hard to make sense of it all. I am a very paranoid person and i do not trust easily because in the end you always get let down by the people you put your trust in the most. Knowone is honest anymore and it makes life so difficult. i get down quite abit i can go through a week feeling fine or a night where i am out and i feel fine but then one thing happens and it just knocks me back. i dont think i really have many true friends and even with the people who i do hold close to me hurt me. like i will see a status and think is it about me does that person mean me and then i will over think and it isnt being big headed it is just being paranoid. if a friend is in a bad mood i automatically think it must be towards me when sometimes it just isnt but i cant help thinking that way. my trouble is i want people to like to and i try so hard that i just end up feeling like a mug and it really gets me down.
it is hard to explain but i just feel so alone right now like you can be in a room full of people but still feel so alone and i feel noone understands and thinks im being stupid and pathetic. just because you cant see it doesnt mean it isnt there and no one understands that. i try and explain and i get told there is nothing wrong there are people out there worse off than you, you have nothing to be depressed or down about. is it too much to ask for for someone to just say its ok hug and say i am here for you and just be a friend??instead of putting me down and making me feel like my feelings are nothing because it makes you feel worse and then you do start to feel like nothing and that you dont matter. i feel the only one who understands is my friend lauren without her i really would doubt myself and my feelings. she makes me realise what i am feeling isnt over reacting and that i am not being silly/stupid/pathetic. she understands and doesnt judge. i mean i dont think im manic depressant or anything by any means but i do feel i may have some mild something..
i try so hard that when something bad happens btwn me and a mate it really upsets me like when we have a row. its like i expect to be hurt and left and all alone so i just push people away without even realising it. iv been hurt alot in the past and i fear rejection, like in every sense friendship, with a bloke etc. i am so worried about what people think of me and it gets me so uptight that i get knotts in my tummy i get a headache and stressed. i take things to heart too much i get over upset about alot of things and i have been hurt and it has made me into this person i am not keen on. i dont want to feel like this i just dont know how to not be..
i hate showing emotions so i like to keep things bottled up and cry in the privacy of my own room so knowone knows or can see or hear. i put on a smile when i want to break down. its hard for me to open up and its hard for me to put my feelings into writing if that makes sense. well i think i have waffled on enough so i am going to finish for now. :blush:
it is hard to explain but i just feel so alone right now like you can be in a room full of people but still feel so alone and i feel noone understands and thinks im being stupid and pathetic. just because you cant see it doesnt mean it isnt there and no one understands that. i try and explain and i get told there is nothing wrong there are people out there worse off than you, you have nothing to be depressed or down about. is it too much to ask for for someone to just say its ok hug and say i am here for you and just be a friend??instead of putting me down and making me feel like my feelings are nothing because it makes you feel worse and then you do start to feel like nothing and that you dont matter. i feel the only one who understands is my friend lauren without her i really would doubt myself and my feelings. she makes me realise what i am feeling isnt over reacting and that i am not being silly/stupid/pathetic. she understands and doesnt judge. i mean i dont think im manic depressant or anything by any means but i do feel i may have some mild something..
i try so hard that when something bad happens btwn me and a mate it really upsets me like when we have a row. its like i expect to be hurt and left and all alone so i just push people away without even realising it. iv been hurt alot in the past and i fear rejection, like in every sense friendship, with a bloke etc. i am so worried about what people think of me and it gets me so uptight that i get knotts in my tummy i get a headache and stressed. i take things to heart too much i get over upset about alot of things and i have been hurt and it has made me into this person i am not keen on. i dont want to feel like this i just dont know how to not be..
i hate showing emotions so i like to keep things bottled up and cry in the privacy of my own room so knowone knows or can see or hear. i put on a smile when i want to break down. its hard for me to open up and its hard for me to put my feelings into writing if that makes sense. well i think i have waffled on enough so i am going to finish for now. :blush: