unsure of everything

[sandcat]

Hello all. Hoping someone may be able to advise? About a year and a half ago, I suffered from anxiety and panic, used to feel constantly sick with worry and cry at any little thing that went wrong for me, and have uncontrollable thoughts about bad things happening to my family and pets. I was given 20mg Citalopram and this worked well, I came off these after 7 months. However after about 4months off them, I started to get worse again except more depressed this time, I really noticed things had got bad when I moved house and literally could not find the energy to help get the stuff moved, or even to talk or do anything other than shuffle about, move one box and then curl up in bed again. I used to be super bothered about what people think of me, but my partner's family were all there helping with the move and I just didn't care how I appeared, I felt too bad. Work has also not been good, I was given some perfectly reasonable feedback one day but I just couldn't cope, I cried on and off for the whole day and couldn't stop myself, I would have been embarrassed if I had the energy to care. I went back to my doctor and was put on 20mg citalopram and after a month raised to 30mg, I have been on the higher dose for over a month now but I still feel bad, it has taken the edge off it but has not worked like the last time I took them. I feel stupid going back to the doctors and asking for something else, I feel unworthy - after all, I manage to go to work, and because of the citalopram I can maintain a facade of being perfectly normal - it's only occasionally that I 'slip up' and show how I am really feeling. Reading some of these forums I can see that people have it a lot worse then I do, so I feel a fraud for going to the doctor about it again. I feel like there is something flawed in me, as I have no real problems to speak of other than a stressful job which I imagine most people have. Sorry if I'm rambling on, I just don't know what to do and don't understand why the citalopram hasn't worked the same as last time I took it. Anyone had any similar experience?

[joannap]

firstly you are being very hard on yourself (common with depression!) - we all put our face on to cope - i have been terrible at times with anxiety but unless you were my nearest and dearest you wouldn't have known. trying to appear "normal" whatever normal is lol is a huge strain on your body but we all do it! i think you need to look back and see what kicked off the original panic/depression - the citalopram helped but obviously the underlying issues were not addressed and it has come back.
you may have to think deeply about this. when mine first struck i insisted that nothing in my life was wrong but looking back - i was deeply unhappy in my relationship and job. add to that a lot of unresolved emotions from childhood and a tendancy to worry/low self esteem - everything got too much. perhaps you could take some time off work - especially if you feel it is a cause?

lots of acceptance and lots of positive thinking - start to change EVERY thought you have to a more positive/realistic one (it can be done) and you will start to feel your mood lift. you could also ask to be put on another anti depressant. i was on lustral once but when i tried to go back on it it didn;t work either.

i really feel you need to sit down and work out a plan of action. a visit to the gp is probably the first port of call if you feel you cannot cope without being on medication but then limiting the stress in your life and accepting that this is how you are now but then doing all you can to work on your own thought patterns etc is the way forward x

[sandcat]

Thanks Joanna, I feel its helped a little to write it all down as well, Ive never done that before. I booked a short tel appt with the GP so I won't be taking so much of their time and will see what they say. There are a few issues - my dad has depression and has tried to commit suicide in the past, and this hit me quite bad, as well as the fact I probably have his depressive genes. Think I need to get some different medication before I can tackle that though so I'll take it one step at a time. Thanks again for replying.

[cwoz82]

Hi Sandcat. Your message spoke to me,it's like you took exactly how I feel about everything and put it out there! I have been in my current job for 2 years, after 6 months I went on citalopram for 12 months,had a hell of a time going onto and coming off of it but for 12 months it worked wonders for my anxiety.Like you I have now been off it for 7 months,the anxiety has come back full force and I'm really rather depressed about it, I'm certain it's all work related now.I know I shouldtake time off to get my head straight but feel they will find a way to get rid of me...another person has been off before with stress and depression and they didn't like it at all!
I commend you for trying the citalopram again though, I can't even think about going back on it. I had a nightmare going onto it and coming
off it and hadn't realised how it had numbed me.I'd put on so much weight and been so inactive I felt awful; I have all the energy in the world now...until recent weeks when the anxiety, stress, paranoia and depression have really kicked off. I'm really scared that I'm so depressed, not that I'd ever harm
myself, I'm too fearful of death for that, but I feel like my head is permanently foggy and clogged up. I'm trying desperately to get back on track without the use of doctors medication, only as my husband and I are currently going through IVF (another stress factor) and I don't want anything to get in the way of that and I don't want to be foggy minded again. I am in that same anxious, depressed and low self esteem state and you should know you're not alone in your feelings and whilst I've no problem going to the doctors I have the same issue with confronting my boss.
Take Care
x