View Full Version : Sex?!?!?!?
Hi - not sure if i've posted this in the right section
I posted a couple of weeks ago after going to my GPs about a chest pain. I ended up at the one stop breast clinic where thankfully they said I was fine :)
I probably have costochondritis caused by a nasty bought of bronchitis in March.
Anyway - I was hoping after the blip I would go back to being 'normal' again - I do feel ok but my poor husband is suffering - I wont let him anywhere near me - I think I may need a few glasses of wine first!!
I did have a problem with sex before anyway - since I had my first child almost 19years ago - the poor bloke has suffered since!
Does anyone else find their sex lives have suffered with anxiety / depression - could this be why I am like I am - I certainly didnt have any problems in the sex department before my first pregnancy - i always blamed it on hormones or being tired etc but only now am I wondering if the anxiety is the blame.
I cant beleive after over 20 years he has put up with me, I did go for CBT and the problem came up in conversation but it wasnt really dealt with.
Deb x
sarah jayne
09-06-10, 09:16
Yep i have the same priblem. I can count the number of times on one hand since our wedding day last year that ive let my poor husband near me and even then thats when ive had a drink ( i dont drink often cause i always feel ill ). Im really not interested in it, i go to bed for sleep, nothing else lol. Its weird that im only 29 and im like a nun but i definately think its to do with the anxiety, after spending all day worrying that im going to die and feeling so ill thats the last thing on my mind. I do feel sorry for my husband as before this started we had a brilliant sexlife ( i wont go into details lol) and he does try to get me in the mood but im really not interested. Tell your husband hes not the only man suffering lol.
Sarah x
Thanks Sarah - Its good to know that I'm not alone. We too had a great sex life but that was before my first child and I had her when I was 19!! I'm know 37!!!
I have tried talking to him before to assure him thats its nothing he's done wrong - but it has only just dawned on me that its probably the anxiety thats caused it in the first place and as he very rarely worries about anything he's not very understanding of it.
I have been looking into meditation and mindfulness - I am determined to sort this out - I dont want to enter into my 40's like this.
Debx
heather xx
09-06-10, 10:07
I have the same issue. I've never really had a good sex drive when i go to bed i just want to sleep what with looking after two childeren in the day then going to work in the evening when i get home i just want my sleep as i'll be up at 6 for my 1 (soon to be 2) year old...im only 24!! My husband is understanding but i feel im pushing him away. when im at my worst i dont even like to snuggle ive got too much on my mind to do it. Your husband is not alone!!
Thanks Heather - dont know about everyone else but I feel such a failure when I see couples on TV they are always so perfect - I know that they are only TV programmes - but I feel so guilty inside when we watch something that gets a bit rauncy :blush:
I find myself having to come up with an excuse to say no, I do feel sorry for my DH but now I'm writing this I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for myself too - I cant help being this way, I really do want to change
Deb x
Heya Debs,
I'm quite young, but I still have the exact same problem. I'm sure it's to do with the anxiety. There's always so much else going on in my head that I just don't feel like it or I just can't feel like it. And when I go to bed I just want to sleep, I'm always so exhausted. I always feel lIke I have to have an excuse, I always feel so guilty and bad. It's hard to explain that it's not that I don't want to it's just that I can't. It isn't our fault we feel this way, it's horrible. I find that slowly working into it is okay, and that even though it feels horrible at the start because there's this mental barrier that just doesn't want to, it gets better and usually ends up great, otherwise I just complain about stupid feelings, etc.
Besides, couples on TV are all created, so don't feel too bad about that. 1 in 5 people is affected by mental health disorders in their lifetime so almost every couple is bound to have the same problems at some point :)
fairyclairy
09-06-10, 14:50
You're defo not alone... im only 22 and dont really have an interest in sex at all..
We have it about once a week but its never my idea lol im always soooo tired, id quite happily have a cuddle on the sofa then go to sleep everynight for the rest of my life lol never had high sex drive and anxiety is definitly the reason..
Its very common in anxiety sufferers and its not surprising considering how tiring it is and theres sooo much else on our minds other than sex.
Il say what the others have, ur husband isnt the only guy suffering lol I also feel guilty when we watch things ok tv - everything does seem perfect and like they cant get enough of each other - but it is only a tv programme, not real life. I dont know any couple who are like the ones on tv lol
Once you start to get better from anxiety, then im sure itl increase. Try not to worry about it though cos itl only make u worse xx
Hey. I can relate. Im 29 and for the past year Ive just not been interested in sex at all. I just dont feel like a sexual being!
Hoping that once I get my anxiety under control I can rejoin the human race lol
Thanks again everyone - Aimee what you describe is exactly how I am!
Anyway I think the fact that I have now identified that its caused by the anxiety and that I'm not the only one like this - its made me feel a lot better. I think I need to have a heart to heart with DH and explain to him why I'm like this - and hopefully this is a step in the right direction :)
An old thread I know but speaking from the other side of the fence, I'm glad I'm not the only bloke who's never allowed any in their relationship. However, you have the good fortune of being in loving relationships, and love and hugs can mean much more as we get older. Hugs last much longer and the "problem" can always be sorted with a helping hand....if he's ever allowed!:winks: Pleasure in life is in the giving though, not in the receiving and a hug in return can count for so much more.....if he's ever allowed that too.:hugs:
I don't really think your OH's can really moan since they have such loving caring partners.:hugs:
Hi Bill
Thanks for a blokes point of view, I would be quite happy with lots of hugs - problem is if I go to hug him - he automatically thinks I want more! So I have to tell him - which kinda spoils it a bit!! So I just dont go for a hug anymore - which is sad :weep:
I should have a deep and meaningful conversation with him (another).
i'm sure I would be much better if I could only relax in that dept, I need a drink to help me out!!
sarah jayne
29-07-10, 18:04
U sound just like me lol x
staypositive
29-07-10, 18:18
I think anxiety and depression plays a big roll in sex drive, sometimes I can be very sexually active, twice a day wouldn't be enough :blush: Though saying that, I go for weeks just feeling completely 'run down' and not interested, who knows?
Danny :)
Hi
I think I have just seen my life in a mirror. I had never thought of others having this problem
I know my husband is one in a million and for the last year I have been worrying myself sick about our relationship in fact so much so that i have been considering talking to my doc about it but I have not been able to find the courage to talk about it.
We have been together since we were 17 and we had a really great sex life until I got pregnant with my first child at the age of 25. Since then the only way I can even consider or enjoy sex is when I have had a drink. I know its not the medication as I have only tried meds in the last 3 years. I am now 45.
What also makes the problem worse is the fact I don't like being touched by anyone.
Debbsi I too would be happy with just huggs but like you don't want any more and he then gets a little upset.
Has anyone actually found a solution to this problem as I feel so mean about not being interested.
wow Jumpy - cant believe how much alike we are?!?! I think my health anxiety really gets in the way - eg fear of bleeding after sex - as this has happened before and i had to have cauterisation of my cervix,then the breast cancer phobia too!!! Hence needing a good old drink to relax.
I also cant remember the last time I actually felt sexy, I know it sounds weird to blokes, but without being big headed - I know I look good :blush: and I am confident in other areas of my life, but I never feel like I want sex. I have talked to the cbt practitioner in the past but no joy, and I told the gynaecologist when i had the cryocautery - but he was a young reg and his reaction was - 'I'm hope my wife never gets like that'!!!!!!!!!!!! thanks :weep:
So I feel that there is no hope for me. I had a bit of a panick earlier in the year where I found my DH chatting to other women on facebook, but he said it was about our sex life and that he had no one to talk to. But I have talked to him before but I dont think he understands
I havent taken any meds before and have decided that I dont want to
Deb x
If I had a woman who gave me love and affection but she felt she couldn't perform the ultimate act, it Really wouldn't bother me because I could never ask for something that she couldn't give or had no pleasure in giving. It just wouldn't be fair on her s I'd only feel bad afterwards anyway so I couldn't even ask it of her!
Putting "it" in, isn't the only way of sorting a mans urge. There Are other ways to sort his problem that aren't so intimate because a woman has more than one weapon at her disposal to stop him pestering and where there is love he really should understand and accept her compromise.
This will sound sexist but I feel sometimes men give the impression they just want one thing all the time and maybe that's true but not all men just want to go all the way all the time. A womans eyes or the touch of her or his hand can still sort the problem.
Sometimes I feel sex is made into such a big issue when a quick relief can sort it so we can get on with things! Personally, I'd much rather give pleasure all day then ask for any in return but Only if it made the woman smile. Otherwise I'd quite happily settle for a cuddle! No mess to clean up and much longer lasting!:winks:
If only all men were like you Bill!
As you say, it often seems to women that men have only one thing on their minds. I think it's a fundemental difference between men and women that men look for solace in sex when they are worried but women lose interest completely. Maybe because their bodies are telling them they are in no fit state to reproduce, which is the basic nature of our sex drive.
I agree with you, a smile, soft words and eye contact are sometimes alll that's needed. :hugs:
Hey there Debbsi,
I'm 19 and anxiety and depression definately play a role in my sex drive lol.
I find that when I'm in a depressive state, I have no interest nor the desire for sex, I'd be quite happy with affection and cuddles at these times...Also, I find that my health anxiety does play a part in the reluctance of sex, for example as you said, fear of bleeding/damage after sex, the list goes on!
I think that Bill is right when he says that sex is made into such a big issue - in my opinion, this is definately true! Sex can play a part in a relationship, but I think affection and showing that you love someone in a variety of ways definately has a bigger part in a relationship.
Try not to worry too much about your sex drive, go with flow! I know how difficult it may be, especially when your loved one can't understand fully what you're going through. But there are ways of getting round this until it gets through to them! lol
Take care the now, yeah?
Chrissy xxxx
If only all men were like you Bill!
As you say, it often seems to women that men have only one thing on their minds. I think it's a fundemental difference between men and women that men look for solace in sex when they are worried but women lose interest completely. Maybe because their bodies are telling them they are in no fit state to reproduce, which is the basic nature of our sex drive.
I agree with you, a smile, soft words and eye contact are sometimes alll that's needed. :hugs:
You have a really good point, I definately agree with the idea that maybe women lose any interest in sex as it's their bodies trying to tell them they are in no fit state to reproduce. Very good point.
Hi
So has anybody found there sex drive has changed once they have got rid of the anxiety/depression??
Jumpy - my anxiety only reared its ugly head properly over the last 5 years, but my sex drive drove off 18 years ago!! So not sure there is any help for me :(
Chrissy - I go with the flow every day until bed time then I feel under pressure even if he may be too tired to ask that night. I get into bed and then think 'oh no, what excuse can I use tonight'. I have said to him before that I shouldnt have to think of an excuse and that the way I feel is perfectly normal and that I am not the only woman who is like that!! But I still feel pressured! Last night he asked for a cuddle and I said I'd love a no pressure cuddle - i felt so much more relaxed after saying that. I understand him when he says he doesnt know what to do - wether I want 'it' or not - you'd have thought he would have realised after 18 years thats its very likely to be 'not' and just to have a cuddle. I find my whole body is in tension trying to stop him touching my where I dont want touching. I wonder what it would be like if I said - right for a month I would like to not feel under any pressure, I wonder if it would make me feel better or not?
Bill - I love your last sentance about less mess!! How true ;)
its so good to not be alone in this......i havent got a sex drive at the moment at all.....my husband and i had a really good relationship that way but at the moment i am just so exhausted that i cannot even think about sex!
hopefully when we all get abit more settled with our emotions things will sort itself out.
hope everyone has a good day xxxx lets hope xxxx
You're not alone. Anxiety is so tiring that sex is the last thing on my mind. My poor hubby has been neglected over the years. A glass of wine usually relaxes me abit, lol!!
staypositive
30-07-10, 12:54
I do agree with Bill and some others, sex is played down to be such a big thing nowadays, I'm not saying it's not a big part in a relationship, but there are other ways to show affection and love to somebody.
Lots of cuddles is a good start :)
Have any of you looked at Tantric sex? I would give you a link, but there are many sites and styles of writing, so (just for once!) try googling it.
Very basically, it is a form of lovemaking that doesn't necessarily lead to the full "act". It's about touching, stroking and relaxing together; finding out what each other wants, likes and needs at that time. It's far more satisfying than a quickie even if it doesn't go the whole way.
Hi
Debbsi I do that too, what makes the problem worse is when he gets stressed he has a higher sex drive and I am the complete opposite. The days durring school term time are a little tense lately too, as he was sacked last Sept and he would love to make the most of an empty house.!!!!!
Chem I think I shall google it later thanks.
Thanks Jumpy - good to know I'm not alone x
Danny your right about sex being made into such a big thing - i feel under pressure by the media particularly, watching tv programmes where everyone seems to be having sex!!!! It puts me off it even more.
I'm glad there are lovely people on here who I can talk to without feeling embarassed xxxx
Debbsi
It is good to know I'm not alone too.
staypositive
30-07-10, 19:45
Debbsi that's the problem, I think it's the same when you watch some music videos too, sex seems to sell well. It has such a big spot in the spotlight.
Raising a point, I think it's taken for granted a little if I'm honest. I'm not old fashioned, I'm just saying sex is something too many people rush into and take for granted.
I'm only 22, but I personally find girls who have had more than a few sexual partners at my age, a turn off.
I was actually with someone, and for several reasons we never slept together. We were together for about 9 months, but it wasn't a problem to me. I knew she loved me, you can tell if someone loves you, geniunely :)
Well Danny you sound like a really nice guy - its a shame there ar'nt more around like you - my daughter isnt much younger than you (18) and luckily has a lovley boyfriend but its something you worry about as a Mum, I was pregnant at 18 - and thankfully me and her dad are still together all these years later xx
staypositive
30-07-10, 22:18
Aww thank you Debbsi :) Just what I needed to hear after the day I've had.
I know where you're coming from, my sister is 17 and has, 'messed around' so to speak with lots of lads, she's now settled and has her own place, her boyfriend is a nice chap, and he's her age. Although as her big brother I worry about her, is normal for families. We all protect each other hehe
Take care :)
Thanks Jumpy - good to know I'm not alone x
Danny your right about sex being made into such a big thing - i feel under pressure by the media particularly, watching tv programmes where everyone seems to be having sex!!!! It puts me off it even more.
I'm glad there are lovely people on here who I can talk to without feeling embarassed xxxx
The sex you see on TV is never "normal" either..... the people haven't had a long day at work, 3 kids to deal with, panic to overcome.... They always look perfect before and after, and some of the positions leave the Karma Sutra in the cold!
That in itself is a great example about the media hype relating to sex. The Karma Sutra is actually a book on how people should behave lovingly and considerately in a relationship. Only a very small section of it is graphic pictures. What concerns me about "media sex" is the amount of violence and lack of love or respect involved. Personally, I think there's just one rule to follow - if it feels right and good for you both, fine.
There are many ways to show you love someone - preparing their favourite meal, holding their hand and talking about your anxieties in order to find ways both your needs can be satisfied without pressure or guilt.
I go with the flow every day until bed time then I feel under pressure
I think sometimes even in long term relationships we can forget what sex should really be about. It shouldn't be a case of one saying to the other I really feel in the need tonight, how about it!? Then as soon as it's over just turning over, getting off to sleep with the other partner thinking "Well, I'm glad that's out the way and they're satisfied!" What about the partner being asked and their feelings? It shouldn't be about doing Just because the other wants it and if not giving, being made to feel bad about it or even feeling guilty. That isn't "making love". That's just wanting relief!
Also, how is that approach meant to help your partner relax and turn them on? Where is the loving tender touch?.....No time to show lov after a busy day? Can't be bothered with foreplay and "giving" pleasure thinking that just sticking it in will please them?
It's no wonder people feel pressurised and find it hard to relax because it's made to fee like a chore and just best to get out the way.
Ever been massaged? Ever been kissed from top to toe? Ever been caressed and shown how much you're loved? Yes, I bet some have been when they were courting but as you get older it becomes more about personal relief with no spontaneous love and passion.
I don't feel there should be any difference as we get older. Why shouldn't a partner be adored? If you have a rose, she remains a rose all her life. Her petals should always be admired and smoothed for the beauty she will always have. The tender kiss, the passion of her lips, the gentle caress of her skin making her feel aroused. It shoudn't be about always aiming for her nectar with your stamen either. There's no love in that.
If a rosebud is closed, she has to be allowed time to open to reveal her many wonders. Her scent should be allowed to waft on the breeze and not felt forced. Her nectar should be allowed to flow freely without her petals being prized open. To love a rose means treating her as a rose and not used with emotional force.
You can't expect a rose to bloom if she's not shown how much she's loved for all she is.
I know I'm just a romantic and I don't live in the real world but if I had a rose lying down beside me, I would forget this world and create my personal world around her by treating her as the rose she will always be. Her petals may not always be smooth but her beauty within can last a lifetime. I think sometimes we forget what love should mean and the romance and passion leaves us to create barriers because we forget "to love" the rose we hold most dear.
Even as a romantic, I know real sex isn't like in the movies. It can be noisy, messy and become a "quickie" to just get out the way but also feel sex or making love is what we make it. If we don't show love, we don't get love. We just get personal satisfaction at the cost to the one we "say" we love. I just feel, if you love someone, prove it in everything you do and in everything you say to show how precious they are to you. Then maybe they'll feel more relaxed and be more willing to trust that no harm will come to them because they'll then Know how much they're adored. And if if they still don't feel able to reveal their petals, they should still be loved for the rose they will always be because loving isn't just about making love because one day the body fails to function but love and cuddles should never cease.
For every action, there is a reaction so if the action is made in the wrong way with no love, time, patience or understanding, we get what we deserve- a rose feeling pressurised into opening.
I know I'm old fashioned and soppy but I just believe a rose should always be respected and treated as such.
This love we share
Caressing in circles connecting my innermost being,
Peering into my soul with incredible healing,
Sensations abound, enveloped in tantalising feeling,
Anticipation, exhilaration exuding from deep within,
Sensuous expectation serenely surfacing on every whim,
Hidden thought appearing, though no questions asked,
In a fantasy of thought, another life lived,
Words conveyed through our telepathic eyes,
No reason for hiding behind a masquerades guise,
An emptiness fulfilled, a craving to be fed,
A poetry in motion, never to be parted,
Ultimate understanding, limitless loving in every glance,
A love to live everlasting, only to be enhanced,
Floating forever in an unforeseen forgotten pleasure,
Silently accepting each movement beyond measure,
Our love shining through this illuminating precious moment,
A love to relieve all life’s frustrations and torment,
Eyes sparkling, eyelashes flickering, her body succumbing,
Staring deeply, her body arching, all defences crumbling,
Fleeting, softly, smoothly, a butterfly caressing a stamen on a rose,
Enrolled as one, riding on a fairy’s opened wings once closed,
My heart filled with a sense of warmth and wonder,
Continually beating a heavy drum of thunder,
A tear glistening, gliding toward her smile of contentment,
A sigh of relief, this exquisite sensation heaven sent,
Her lips momentarily parting with only an angel’s breath,
With tender love and affection, she embraces me to her breasts,
Her hair branched out in a golden silky frame,
This aura that encompasses her beauty that beholds my gaze,
This look of love, this feeling forever,
For all our lives and eternity, to be shared together.:hugs:
Wow Bill
Do you write books? I think I would love to join you in your world.
Debbsi I have been with my husband since I was 17 and I am now 45. My Eldest daughter is 20 and had her first boyfriend at the age of 19. My other two daughters are younger and have not had boyfriends, but my 15 year old son seems to have had many girlfriends, they are always ringing him.
I don't watch soaps now mainly due to the fact I can't bare to watch how people treat each other.
Wow Bill you certainly have a way with words :)
I think you hit the nail on the head in much of what you say, and I think I often presume that DH wants a 'quick fix' when in actual fact he doesnt. I know he feels unloved by me sometimes as I dont ever initiate a cuddle as I imagine he will think that I want more than just a cuddle. Its a shame and I really need to change - now the kids are getting older and dont need me so much I should be relishing our time together.
Hi Debbsi,
Our children are growing up too and at xmas I thought long and hard about our future and thought it was time to do something about it.
I know my hubby feels unloved a lot of the time and like you I never initiate a cuddle for the same reason.
I know I love him and I have been very unfair. Anyway i brought him a xmas present, it was a GPS yes very romantic!!! It took a further 2 months before we tried it out, without the children. We have for the last few months been going geo-caching together and trying to rebuild our relationship that doesn't involve our children. We have had some fun in the bushes(not sex) and some strange looks from other walkers and some long silent walks. Its a start.
Hi Jumpy - just had to google geo caching!!! sounds interesting I will read more..
We have had our good times and bad times, he tends to tell me what he thinks after too many drinks - but we dont really 'talk' properly - I'm far too embarassed to talk about sex - I havent been brought up that way. We do have a good relationship, we've grown up together, I just feel bad about the sex stuff. I really need to make an effort but then he really needs to try and understand it from my point of view. He never worries about anything (i wish i was the same!!) so he finds it hard. He would be more likely to tell me to pull mysself together when I worry so I dont tell him anymore - which is why i come on here!
When really what I need when I am worried about something is a loving bloke to pull me into his arms and say 'dont worry love, everything will be Ok' ahh well I can dream ;)
Hi debbsi
We actually do enjoy geo-caching, we have found so many strange things!!!
He knows how low I can get now. I can tell he is concerned about me. Thats why I have pushed this hobby so that we can do things together and hopefully to help me recover.
I think when you have children you loose site about what else is important and thats to look after ourselves and our partners.
Hi,
I think at some point we have all had probs with not wanting sex etc due to anxiety! I was like it for months i didnt want sex or do anything that raised my heart rate as i was scared id die on the job lol, we all have our own reasons so dont worry you are not alone!:)
staypositive
31-07-10, 19:40
Aww you girls, mistykell you're right, everyone has their own reasonings and feelings, and the basic sense is for no reason, should anyone (male or female) feel pressured into sexual intimacy if it's not something they are comfortable with.
:)
When really what I need when I am worried about something is a loving bloke to pull me into his arms and say 'dont worry love, everything will be Ok' ahh well I can dream ;)
I know that feeling!:hugs:
I write poems and poetic pieces, and yes, I guess I have created a book which was unrelated to poems or anxiety but it's never been published. I just enjoy writing when I feel inspired but there are one or two poems I've written which would be appropriate for this thread but I daren't post them because although they're purely erotic and sensual, it's too easy to guess what's being described if you get my drift!:blush:
He would be more likely to tell me to pull mysself together when I worry so I dont tell him anymore
Well, keeping things bottled always creates tension and anxiety so he's not really helping himself by not being more sensitive and understanding towards you which is very sad really because I think then both of you would get more satisfaction from each other. It's also always very sad when a special rose is left neglected.
As Chem says, if a rose is held when it's frightened, it's much more likely to open her petals because it will safer and more secure to reveal all her beauty. The rose will feel happier and the beholder would then also be able to admire her true loveliness.
Lack of sensitivity creates barriers so neither party benefits. It's sad more people don't realise that sensitivity can hold more strength than ignorant brute force.
I just feel if you love someone then "love them" by treating them as No.1 making them feel special in every sense. If you wish a beautiful rose to reveal her special wonders, she has to be treated as being the special rose she is otherwise she has every right to remain a closed bud until she's loved in the way she deserves because there is nothing more special in this world than the "inner" beauty of a special rose. What she has to offer has to be earned through love, care, understanding and support so that she is always made to feel loved and secure.
If the sexes of this world both showed more love to each other in all aspects of their relationships, both parties would benefit so much more and so also would their offspring.
I think I can get away with this one. I'll soon know if I'm banned!:blush: lol...
To love
If I smoothed your shimmering silky hair,
And gazed into your eyes with a soft warm stare,
If I whispered my loving thoughts in your supple ear,
And said all the words you always love to hear,
If I gently kissed your delicate eyelids,
And watched your eyes open from once they lay hid,
If I pressed my cheek to yours,
And felt your warmth as it soothingly allured,
If I tenderly compressed your glossy glistening lips,
And caressed your dainty warm fingertips,
If I entered your body as it emitted excited heat,
And embraced you with my love that quickened your heartbeat,
If I lightly kissed your most intimate places,
And listened to your heart as it pounded and raced,
If I brought you such pleasure that removed all your pain,
And watched your frame as it arched and strained,
If I gripped your intense hot perspiring palms,
And we simultaneously peaked and fell into each others arms,
If at this moment I whispered how much I love you,
Would you then softly reply how much you love me too?:hugs:
Wow, no one could ever be banned for writing something so beautiful!
Well I was all geared up last night if you get my drift! Then I think I had too much wine and felt a little sick when we went to bed. So when he asked I said that I was really sorry and would have done about an hour ago but now my stomach wasnt up to it!! I tried to take advantage of this by having a nice cuddle, and tried to enjoy it instead. As I felt relaxed I thought I would try to explain to him how I felt; it didnt go down as well as I'd hoped :weep:
Instead of me feeling better for getting it off my chest I felt worse cos he told me how he felt - ie unloved, want loving sexual relationship, doesnt no what gets me going after 22 years etc
Rather than understand my point of view he just kept saying how would you feel if you were me, and yes i do understand how he feels which is why i'm trying to do something about it by talking to him!!!! Its not just for me!!
I felt angry that he had turned all attention to him that it was all about him and he wasnt really listening to me.
His response was - well what are we going to do about it?? I felt as if the conversation was going in circles.
So I gave up as I was either going to cry or argue, so I went to sleep instead!!!
I now think well whats the point, I have tried a few times to explain how i feel and that i need time, that i feel pressured etc - i dont think he understands at all :mad:
Thank you Maria, I'm glad you like it.:hugs:
Debs:hugs:
he told me how he felt - ie unloved, want loving sexual relationship, doesnt no what gets me going after 22 years etc
So in other words, he wants to figure out how to get you going so he can he can get relief to release his frustration. And what about making you feel unloved by not listening or trying to understand how you feel?
I felt angry that he had turned all attention to him that it was all about him and he wasnt really listening to me.
His response was - well what are we going to do about it??
So you have the problem and he just wants you to get it sorted so he can enjoy himself. That's very loving and caring of him!
I think I'd say to someone like that, until you're prepared to listen, be considerate and caring, supportive, understanding and make "me" feel loved by giving me cuddles without wanting more....then tough!, you're not going to have what "you" want....and if they still wouldn't listen, I'd say, ok, I'm moving bedrooms until you start thinking about "my" feelings.
Where is the love? He wants love, yes? But he's not prepared to give any loving unless it involves his own personal satisfaction and yet you're the one made to feel bad?:wacko: Why should you give him what he wants just to satisfy him? What about Your needs?
To give love, you have to feel loved but he's certainly not showing any love or caring towards you so how can he possibly expect you to feel at ease and turned on by his approach?
All he can see, is "he" wants something but you're not able to give it therefore "you" have a problem and so it's up to "you" to sort it. I don't think he's realy interested in loving you unless you're prepared to give him what he wants but that doesn't seem very fair to me because he's not giving any consideration to your feelings.
I think with alot of relationships, we find the same attitude when one party is a sufferer no matter what type of anxiety they're suffering from. The other party either shows no interest in helping or just doesn't know what to do to help because they can't see what the problem is so rather than try and help the sufferer, they just give up which is of no help whatsoever to either partner.
I just think it's really sad that people don't seem to realise just how lucky they are to have such a Special partner. There's so little patience and understanding. So little loving and caring.....and far Too much selfishness because They get frustrated.
I sometimes think people tell others they love them when in fact they love them "for what they give" and "not for who they Are" because as soon as for whatever reason they can no longer give what the other loved about them, the love they said they felt just goes out the window leaving you wondering "what exactly did you love about me"? When people have that attitude, I'd say "they" have the problem because they're unwilling to "give" love to someone they said they "did" love. So sad.
If a rose is knocked down by a storm, do you tell it I want your scent back because it made "me" feel happy but I can't figure out how to open your bloom because "I" really want your scent back...or do you pick it up gently with tenderness, love and affection to nurture it back to the bloom it was because all "you" want is to see "her" happy and blooming again?
A rose should be loved for what she "is" and Not for what she used to offer.
If a rose became "physically" disabled, we Should still love them for "Who" they are. So what's the difference?
We all get frustrated when our needs aren't being met but that's no reason to use emotional blackmail making the other feel bad. It just isn't showing love for them. If we want something from someone we love, we have to Show them how much they're loved and be prepared to put the work in to help them when they're not well because that's what love IS - Loving them through sickness and in health. Otherwise, a person doesn't deserve to be shown love in return so Don't feel bad.:hugs:
It's very sad when a special rose isn't loved in the way she should be. Rather than drink, maybe he should learn what loving should mean...
A beautiful rose in need
A beautiful rose swaying in the warm breeze,
Her petals glisten surrounded by hovering honeybees,
Attracted to her lure, by her sweet scented pollen so pure,
Blown on the summers air, from a pristine rose so rare,
Protected by her thorns, she stands alone safe from harm,
Yet wanting to be held and loved, she still emits her charm,
Afraid of being picked, to be left and discarded,
Her army of comforting bees ensure she is guarded,
Standing in solitude in her garden of high fences,
With the hot sun bearing down creating duress,
Waiting for relief and a cloudburst to start,
To freshen her glossy leaves and to moisten her parts,
This attractive rose so trapped and in need,
That should be loved and cherished so that she may feed,
For all her many virtues and glowing sincerity,
No rose deserves more for her kindness and empathy.:hugs:
I'm male and have the same prob so don't feel alone.Being married to a nymphomaniac just makes it even better. NOT!
Aimee I love your blog - even though I can relate to it it still made me laugh out loud!
Phill :shades:
Phil - its good to here from a bloke x
Bill - once again you make me see things in a different light - thankyou. When you have thought about something from one angle for many years its difficult to see it from another ie I always saw it from his point of view and found it difficult to explain my own. Problem is now - how do I explain it to him??
I had thought of letting him read this thread - but then thought against it, 1- I dont want him to know I have been discussing this with others as I would be mad (and have been) when I found out he was discussing it with strangers) and 2 - this is my personal place to ask for help and advice, and I would rather a lot of my thoughts stayed with you guys and not my family xxxx
I think my philosophy is diplomacy first, war second.
I have tried talking to him before to assure him thats its nothing he's done wrong
Have you actually told him your Exact reasons why you can't perform i.e. told him your fears? If he isn't told, he'll think it's to do with your feelings towards him.
For any diplomacy to work, the 2 parties have to start talking and be prepared to be open so that both sides can understand each other. Once you start talking, there's often common ground that can be reached so that a compromise can be obtained that will satisfy both parties.
In every relationship there has to be a bond so that you can talk to your partner about Anything. Where there is love, there is normally a way because both sides won't want to lose what they have.
If once you share your reasons but your partner isn't prepared to listen then you've done all you can to help. The problem then lies with them in their inability to give. Once that happens, my own personal feeling is you then back off and put a barrier up but at the same time telling them that the barrier will stay in place until they're prepared to listen to your feelings. It really shouldn't be necessary though in a loving relationship because where there is love, both sides normally want to help each other to save the bond they have.
The other point is don't engage in arguments. If the other side wants to argue and not listen, then walk away. Arguing just adds fuel to a fire and solves nothing because both parties end up wanting to "win" when it should be about compromise.
I guess that's what I kind of do if I'm not heard, I won't argue and allow them to find out for themselves that being ignorant, selfish and using force to get their own way won't get them anywhere.
Anyway, firstly you have to open up without engaging into an argument. If they aren't prepared to listen just keep walking away until they realise they Have to listen if they want your help.
Try that first and see how he reacts. Just to warn you though, he might eventually give but he could also give up and walk away but that depends on how much he Really loves you for Being you. If he Really loves you, he'll listen, try to help you and try to find a compromise. If he walked away, you'd then know he only loved you for what you gave him. If a stand off results, it would then be his choice and nothing gets resolved. All you can do is be Open and Explain how you Really feel and All your reasons. The rest is then up to him.
And no, allowing him to read this thread might just put his back up even further!:winks:
Problems can only really be resolved by both parties talking openly to each other unless a referee is needed to stop arguments!:hugs:
Just to cover myself in case it all goes wrong, these are JUST my own opinion. Don't want you blaming me!:blush::D
thanks Bill - no i wont blame you :winks:
I'm sure he doesnt just love me for what i gave him - as i dont really give him much!!!
I will have to find the right moment to discuss this - i get really embarassed, and also we need to be alone - no kids around
Thanks again Bill - its good to have some support and advice x
I cant beleive after over 20 years he has put up with me
Two things Debs...
Why should you have to find the right moment to discuss your fears with him?
And why should you feel embarassed to discuss your fears with him after 20 years of being together?
When a couple have been together for so long, I would have thought the other partner would be more than happy to listen at Anytime because they would be concerned if their partner needed help. Also I would have thought that after 20 years there would be no need to feel embarassed about talking and sharing anything that either partner was worried about.
If partners feel they have to hold back, pick their moment and are made to feel they can't talk to their partner, there is a lack of communication, barriers are created, bad feelings remain bottled and anxiety then results.
Issues concerning both parties have to be openly discussed if they are to be resolved.
Personally, I'd hate it if my partner felt they couldn't discuss things with me because I'd want to help them to make sure they're happy.
It just feels to me that perhaps you're trying to live on his terms and trying to please him without any give or understanding in return...but I could be wrong because I don't have a full picture.
I felt angry that he had turned all attention to him that it was all about him and he wasnt really listening to me.
It just seems that you feel unable to talk to him and your feelings don't count because he expects you to sort any issues out for yourself without support. It almost feels you're afraid to talk to him because you're made to feel bad and that "you" must have a problem. Also how can someone say they love them when they don't care how much hurt they cause them? It almost feels you're trying to bend over backwards to please but he won't give anything in return to help you?
I'm sure he doesnt just love me for what i gave him - as i dont really give him much!!!
Sometimes it's not out of love but rather control, living on their terms and wanting their own way making the other partner be submissive and fitting in with their rules.
Maybe I'm wrong but I feel you need to be more assertive and less fearful of how he will react or make you feel because partnerships should be based on equal terms.
Love isn't about domineering and making someone feel too afraid to talk to them.
Maybe he doesn't want to understand because he would feel he's losing some of his control?
.....Sorry, hope I'm not being too harsh?:shrug:
Thanks Bill once again
Maybe I've made him out to be worse than he is - he really is a lovely guy, a great husband and a great dad and I love him very much and wouldnt ever be without him
I think as we have grown up together and as I have been brought up by my parents as not being able to talk about sex. We never even saw each other naked at home once we became teenagers - I think this has had some effect on my problems in being able to talk.
Its weird as I can talk to him about everything else - and years ago we had a brilliant sexual relationship until I had my first child.
I think its because we have been like this for so long - and it was never as bad as this.
I think I've always just presumed (and its not just him thats made me feel this way) that there was something wrong with me. I never even considered that other people were the same. Its only now where I put 2 and 2 together and thought that maybe it was my anxiety fuelling the problem.
Your right I should be able to talk to him - and I can but I find it hard to find the right time. I also worry that it will turn into a row or he will say something that I cant answer.
Your right about my assertiveness in this situation only - as I would say I am normally the more assertive one in the relationship, I tend to be in charge of finance, the home, the children, health etc...... its quite a lot when I also work and go to university.
I dont think control has anything to do with it, as he moans he always has to make the first move.
I dont think your too harsh - it gets me thinking, but I hope I didnt make him out to be a tyrant when he absolutely is not - he really does love me for who I am and he always says he still cant believe that I would go out with him in the first place - he often gets comments from others along the lines of - how did you manage to get someone who looks like that!! Which I dont suppose does anything for his self esteme
Debs:hugs:
As with all relationships, any problems experienced aren't always one-sided so after your last posts explaining more about your OH, let's assume that he just wants to be loved and have a normal sexual relationship but he doesn't know how to obtain it because it simply can't understand how you're feeling or what you need.
Looking back, there's one point I feel a little ironic...
I found my DH chatting to other women on facebook, but he said it was about our sex life and that he had no one to talk to. But I have talked to him before but I dont think he understands.
Both of you appear to find it easy to talk to others about your sex life but you find it impossible to talk to each other on this suject because when discussed it always ends in arguments or tears.
I think what you need is a bit of give and take on both sides. If he wants you to love him, he first has make you feel safe to his advances. You on the other hand also need to give a little to help yourself relax but he also needs to gain your trust so that you know he will stop if you feel too panicky.
With any anxiety or fear, the fear cannot be overcome if you don't feel relaxed before you attempt it. In a relationship when you need to feel relaxed to overcome a problem that affects both parties, it's up to the partner to help you feel relaxed by taking things slowly.
If you think of someone who is agoraphobic, if they attempt to step outdoors whilst feeling very anxious beforehand, they'll never succeed because they'll defeat themselves before they've even started. To overcome their fear, the need to learn how to be relaxed Before they attempt to go out to stand any chance of overcoming their fear.
Fear is created by our own worry so the more we worry, the more we panic. When we feel we have nothing to fear, we never panic but we have to prove to ourseves that our fear is in our mind and that's actually nothing in reality that will harm us.
If someone goes for CBT, they will use "gradual exposure" to their fear to help them overcome their panic which will mean for an agoraphobic that they will be shown how to keep relaxed before very gradually expanding their boundaries.
Now, if we put this to your situation, based on all the posts you've written which I feel have now given me a broader picture, this is how it appears to me so see if this makes any sense to you....
Firstly, from his side, he wants to have a loving sexual relationship with you but when you try to explain to him why you can't give more, he ends up talking about what he wants and misses because he can't understand what the problem is or how to break through.
From your side, it doesn't appear that you've actually told him the real reason as yet(?)..your exact fear of bleeding afterwards. If so, he probably won't be able to understand what hold you back so could then assume it must be something about him that puts you off as you say "you won't et him go anywhere near you".
The reason you won't let him go near you is because you "assume" that he'll want more if you allow him to cuddle you because that is actually often the case. This will then make you panic which will make you panic and so end up pushing him away. In other words, you feel you can't "trust" him to just want a cuddle.
It appears this has been going on for a very long time so the barrier that's been created has been there for some time and now you both feel you can't break it down because he can't understand and you can't let go of your fear.
Therefore, just as in CBT, I think you both need to try a new approach to help each other obtain more freedom with each other.
Firstly, you Have to tell him the Real reason why you feel so afraid to allow him to touch you and that if he wants a loving relationship that he will Have to help you by allowing you to gain trust in him by taking things "slowly" i.e. gradual exposure to your fear.
As with an agoraphobic, you Have to feel relaxed and it is therefore up to him to help you achieve this. Therefore, when he wants a cuddle, you have to let him but Both of you Have to accept that it will be Just that - a cuddle and Nothing more.
In other words, he has to gain your trust and you have to feel secure in the knowledge that you Can trust him by reaching a compromised approach. If he has to learn that a full on forceful approach will terrify you but you have to learn to allow him to "gradually" get closer but it can only be achieved slowly through trust.
If he can accept "a cuddle" as the first hurdle, he will at least gain some affection And you will gradually feel more relaxed about him touching you.
When I say a cuddle, there Has to be Strict rules though. A cuddle meand simply holding you around the waist with NO touching of any intimate places by other party. I know that sounds harsh but before you can run, you first have to learn how to walk! If you try to run too soon, you'll Both end up falling over and the barrier will be re-inforced so it's vital you stick to the rules and take things Slowly.
He Has to accept and realise that to overcome your fear, you have to be able to trust him. If he breaks your trust, he will shoot himself in the foot because you'll only retreat again.
Once after a period of time (depending on how long you feel you need), you then feel at ease with him holding you, you can then attempt the next step by allowing both of you to "caress each other" which may or may not mean the genitals. It would be up to you to decide the limit that you feel comfortable with.
Again though, there are Strict Rules. If you end up feeling relaxed and aroused, then you could allow him to make you ermm...climax but ONLY through touch. Abolutely NO penetration. The same would apply to him. If EITHER of you breaks the rule by seeking more, you will only succeed in re-creating your barrier and all the trust will have been undone. You will both fail.
Once you feel comfortable with this step, (however long it takes), you may then feel relaxed and trusting enough to allow him "gentle" penetration when you feel TOTALLY relaxed and TOTALLY receptive. If you feel at all tense, you will tighten up and your fear will re-surface. He HAS to realise that fear takes time to overcome and that trust has to be achieved. If he attempts ANYTHING that you don't feel comfortable with or tries to use force in ANY way, he will only succeed in making you afraid and re-inforcing your barrier.
To overcome ANY fear, you have to learn how to be relaxed AND feel secure that no harm will come to you. In a relationship, the therapist can be the partner IF they're willing to use the right approach but they Must be patient and put YOU first.
Having said all that...firstly you have to talk about your Real Fear and he HAS to listen to what you need to overcome it so I HOPE the above can be of some help to you both.
You can tell him, if he won't listen and won't try to help, you'll never feel you can trust him when it comes to love and sex.
It doesn't matter what the fear is, the same gradual approach can be applied IF the sufferer feels able.:hugs:
fairyclairy
04-08-10, 18:42
Hi Debs,
Try not to worry yourself, i think alot of people suffering from anxiety have a low sex drive etc, myself included and im only 22, where u would expect me to be out doing it everywhere and anywhere lol (or thats what u see i the media anyway)
I would much much rather have a cuddle on the sofa and a kiss without the pressure of it leading to anything else because quite frankly - im knackered!!
Its completely understandable that after looking after children, uni, work, house work, bills, etc etc that u would be too tired to even think about initiating sex!
I dont even have children and i still live with my parents, but work alone takes it out of me and all i want to do at night is sleep!
Try and find time to tlk to your partner, but i know its difficult.
I have tried having the conversation with my partner of 5 years and he doesnt understand... he turns it round on him and says i dont love him or find him attractive anymore, which isnt true... and also makes me a hell of a lot worse!
Im sure as u start to calm down and take over control of this anxiety then things will improve
Its just very frustrating when u have a partner wanting sex all the time when u dont.. which also leads u to feel guilty (i know, iv been there)
xx
I think high and low sex drives affect both sexes. I think it's give and take, and there's more than Just one way to keep a partner satisfied. Certainly after a hectic day though you will feel more like sleeping and the partner should realise and accept that. There are normally "right" times when both will feel in the mood in a normal loving relationship or when one feels able to give pleasure to the other by some other means.
There are though different factors that can lower a sex drive....too much stress and/or fear. It's up to the partners to find a compromise or to help each other to keep both partners happy whether it's sex related or anything else such as sharing the workload in the home or taking time to listen. A relationship requires working together through issues and worries, thinking of each other, respecting each other and accepting each others moods to make sure both partners remain happy.:hugs:
Thanks again guys x
Fairy - sounds like you have the same problem with your partner as me, I feel better after posting on here tho - now I know that I'm not alone
Bill -
I think you hit the nail on the head here "he just wants to be loved and have a normal sexual relationship but he doesn't know how to obtain it because it simply can't understand how you're feeling or what you need." This is exactly what he said to me when we tried having a talk the other night.
I know now that I need to explain things a little easier to him - and that if he gets on the defensive again - I now feel better prepared in how to tackle it than I did before.
Maybe I will try have a little talk tonight, as with all of my anxieties I either put things off or rush head on in - I am working on being in the middle (as appropriate of course)
I will keep you posted on how I get on :)
Bill I envy your wife/partner. So refreshing to read such insight from you.
My problem was ( a long time ago) the other way around and it did lead to a break down of the relationship. Not because I needed to have sex, but it was about the intimacy that goes with sex. Sex has its lust side of course, but it also continues to cement a relationship or the intimacy of it.... if that makes sense.
I think of all the things that go with sex, like pillow talk, the hugs, to fall asleep wrapped around each other etc. I am 60 now and of course it is those things I miss, not sex but the intimacy, the hugs, the feeling of safeness and togetherness.
Typer:hugs:
I was just thinking the other night how ironic it is that I should be trying to help Debs on this issue when I don't have a normal loving intimate relationship myself and sleep in my own bed at night. I'd never even had the opportunity for intimacy with a woman before I got married and then I found after meeting her, she could never act or respond as a wife would normally due to her mental illness which is more severe than anxiety, so you have no need for envy.:hugs:
Debs:hugs:
I would certainly like to hear how you get on because the story is far from over as yet and I'd like to keep trying to help you along the way. Hopefully it's only just beginning....and if all turns out right, hopefully "I'll" be the one envying both of you!:hugs:
Bill sorry to read about your situation. I wonder what has helped you stay in the relationship.
Debs I hope things work out for you somehow
Typer:hugs:
I think the question is more what has kept me here....conscience, fear and security I guess. When I went through my bad spell a psychologist told me I had a choice - leave my wife or leave my job. She can't help being ill and if anyone is to blame it would be me for committing in the first place. When my anxiety got bad, I just felt I could cope with leaving my job but it still didn't prevent me selfharming and od'ing because even then I could see no way out of my loneliness and away from my emotional pressures. I've always been weak though because someone with a strong character would have made a different choices. Still, I'm grateful I survived and for the things I do now have. Sometimes I guess in life fate doesn't always allow us to have the things we miss most but I always believe in hope. I must admit trying to help Debs does stir mixed emotions. On the one hand I'd be really pleased if she can work things out but on the other hand I feel a little churn in my stomach if she did but that's not meant personally to Deb. It just stirs feelings I've always lived with before and during my situation. Such is life though. I'm just glad now if I can help others find their smiles again because I know others are suffering far worse things than me.:hugs:
I do hope we hear more from Debs because I'd like to know she's ok.:hugs:
Hi Debs
Wishing you all the best.
Bill all I can say is wow. I'm sure there is a book in what you have written. You have a gift.
Hi
Bill - I am fine thankyou - unfortunatly I havent plucked up the courage (not sure that is the work I was looking for) to initiate the conversation yet. I'm such a coward!
I agree with Jumpy you should write a book - you have a wonderful talent to be a listener and are able to offer inspirational words and advice. Although I hope this doesnt mean that noone listens to you. We are all here for you too!! and if you need to talk we are also able to listen and offer kind and supportive words :hugs:
Jumpy - hi there thanks for you kind wishes, our relationship is fine, we havent fallen out again but he hasnt dared 'make a move' since our last unsuccesful chat.
BTW - we are going on hols next fri for 2 weeks so dont worry if you dont hear from me.
I hope that as we will be sleeping in our caravan right next to a young teenager - that I will feel less pressured as its inappropriate for us to get up to anything - maybe that will be a good opportunity to begin our getting to know each other again. I do hope so
Hi debs
Like you we very rarley fall out and if we do its normally over sex.
Enjoy your holiday and i hope the weather stays fine for you.
I'd say being on hols would be the perfect time to tackle the first hurdle...cuddles! He'll know he can't have more and you'll feel safe knowing he can't pressurise you. It would help you both bond so that if you do get a chance to be alone, you can then tackle the issue with him. He might be more giving on hols as he might feel more relaxed too.
Like all fears and worries though Debs, they only go away once we sort them and sometimes the longer they drift unsorted, the longer we torture ourselves.
I won't worry if you're quiet but nor will I forget you because I want you to be happy!:):winks:
And to Jumpy as well:hugs:....thank you.:hugs: I've actually had a terrible week with ALOT of pain resulting in a tooth having to be taken out plus other troubles at home so thank you for making me smile.:) I feel like I've been in a washing machine, well spun and now I'm trying to dry myself out!:hugs:
aw thanks Bill - hope you are feeling better now xx
Hi Bill
I hope your hole is healing quickly. I hope you don't shrink while you are drying out. My children are now learning that you need to buy clothes big enough to shrink as my gas dryer gets very hot.
Debs where are you going for your hols? We have a trailer tent and sex is a deffinately NO, its bad enough when its windy.
Jumpy - we used to have a folding camper so I know what you mean!
We are off the France - southern Brittany, looking forward to (hopefully) being able to relax!
I thought I would bring this back to the top as I havent been on here for a while
Well we went on holiday and I spent the first half of it thinking about our relationship and why I felt the way I feel. I found I was able to identify some of my problems; loss of confidence, dont feel good about myself or attractive anymore even though I often get complemented I dont actually believe it. I feel that our relationship is sort of 'stuck', we do talk and often about the future, however we dont talk about anything intimate or personal. Its more like a friendship than a marriage.
I think we have just drifted like this - nobodys fault.
So I started to think what could change to make me feel better and consequently improve our relationship.
I thought of the things that I want: to feel protected and safe, to feel loved (not in a sexual way at first - that should follow), to have someone to discuss my worries with and know I will get support of some kind - not 'dont be silly - pull yourself together' more like 'dont worry it will be ok - i understand'. I want to be made to feel special - like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I also want some support in the everyday tasks I do such as financial arrangments, housework etc.
So these are the things I thought about and it made me feel better - I planned to discuss this when we got home.
Then when we got home - my husband was rushed to hospital having had a seizure. He is now waiting for tests - but seems to be coping incrediably well with the whole thing. He cant drive for 6 months and has been off work sick - but is going back soon.
I didnt cope so well - it took me a week to get over witnessing the seizure and now I'm coming to terms with the what ifs and the fact that I now have to drive everywhere.
Anyway he feels well enough to be questioning our relationship again - last night he said we should get some help! I really dont want to do this and think that if he cant understand how I feel then we can work on things together.
So last night he asked again what the problem was - so I attempted to explain - not sure I did a very good job though - I'm pretty sure he didnt really understand anxiety - all he said to that was - well I worry about stuff to you know. He said that he doesnt sleep well as he is constanltly worrying that I dont love him and that I am going to leave him - now who's paranoid?!?!?
So not sure what tonight will hold - I very much doubt he understood anything I said - and as usual when I say 'no' he will say - 'i didnt think so!'
Sorry this is so long.
Anxious_gal
20-09-10, 17:17
maybe getting some help might help him see things from your point of view too.
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