BBC - Tokophobia Documentary

[BBC01]

BBC are developing a documentary exploring the topic of Tokophobia- fear of pregnancy and childbirth. We are interested to hear from anyone who is currently struggling with this or has been successful in defeating it.
> Maybe you are fighting for a C section
> Maybe you can't even get to the stage of pregnancy due to fear but
desperately want a child.
> It could be that you have suffered a traumatic birth and are now to
scared to go through it all again

Whatever your story I would be very interested to speak with you and any conversations would be treated with the utmost sensitivity and of course at this stage confidentiality.

Kindest

Naomi.harvey@bbc.co.uk

[nutmeg nanny]

Hi guys,

I'm Meg. I'm 28 years old. I have been in a loving and committed relationship for 6 years. We plan on marriage someday.
I am tokophobic. It's quite severe. I like the idea of having a child (one, that is all I'd want), but the idea of having something growing inside me and worse, coming out of me and tearing my lady bits, scares the shit out of me. For years when people talk graphically about pregnancy, I shake and curl up in a ball and feel weak.
To be honest, I never thought I'd have kids, and I'm still debating whether I want them. When I look at my boyfriend I find it hard not to picture us with a child someday. He would make an amazing father. I want him to be happy and I know he's always pictured himself having children that were biologically his own. Truth be told, I don't know that I'm supposed to have children. I've toyed with the idea of getting my tubes tied due to tokophobia. Pregnancy, birth, amniotic sac, umbilical cord, vaginal tearing, stretch marks, big boobs, the whole thing creeps me out. I don't look at pregnant women and think they're creepy, don't get me wrong, I think that if you want a child or are brave enough to go through the process you deserve all the praise! For my body however, I just can't cope with the thought of it...I literally break down crying just thinking about getting pregnant.

But then, theres this gnawing biological clock issue. There is also the issue of my thirties approaching and my getting the first inkling of maternal feelings I've ever had. I'm not one of those women who hold a baby and feel the bond, or wish they had one though. Quite the contrary. Babies are cute and all, but loud, messy, stinky ect.....
I'm a full time nanny to a 7 mo old and two other siblings, so I know.....

Any thoughts or suggestions from girls who might be feeling the same way I do? I don't want this fear to rob me of something that might not be so terrible. I've been forcing myself to watch graphic birth videos, thinking if I see the worst then maybe I can handle it.....I've been doing this for 6 months regularly and I still cannot handle the thought.....I don't think I'd ever willingly choose to get pregnant, it would have to be an accident and I'm not sure I could bring myself to go through with it even then.....

My apologies if you think I'm being offensive or insensitive, I'm just trying to be honest....

Thanks ladies!

[Sileas]

Hi Meg,

I'm 27 and I am in exactly the same situation as you. I previously fell pregnant when I was 20 and had to have a termination because I just could not cope with it. I was using contraception at the time and now I have to use two methods of contraception, one being a condom, and I make my partner withdraw. Luckily he is very understanding. It was awful being pregnant and even now I feel literally sick, SICK at the thought of falling pregnant again.

I just cannot do it. I don't know what to do about it. I completely understand what you mean about the biological clock, especially since this fear of childbirth is so strong that I do not see me getting over it in the next few years. I too have tried to 'get used to it', as the NHS website advises people should do with phobias, by watching that awful programme 'One Born Every Minute.' However, after watching one episode I couldn't stop crying and the second one had me panicking and crying for weeks afterwards. My boyfriend made me stop watching it.

I have no suggestions for you. I can only tell you that it's not just you! I'm really scared my boyfriend will leave me eventually when he realises I'm never going to get over this, and that because I'll have no children I'll be old and alone. It's awful.

Sileas.

[lostallhope]

I know i may be posting a bit too late.... but nonetheless... here's what i have to say...
I too suffer from severe primary tokophobia. It has left me clinically depressed and suicidal.
I've always said that i don't know why people say this fear is irrational, its completely RATIONAL for anyone to be afraid of their genitals being torn apart, the blood, the gore, the screaming, the agonizing pain... pain that's universally known to be the worst kind of pain a person can ever go through!!

And then people think that "as a woman" i have to "want" to go through that torture! Its such nonsense... I get instantly depressed or am filled with rage when i see articles, fb pictures, discussions about ANYTHING to do with childbirth and pregnancy. Mostly i break down and cry my eyes out.

And Meg, when i saw an internet ad for one born every minute, (reiterating that i DID NOT watch it, just saw the poster) it left me depressed for days.. wondering how people could make a tv show about such torture and call it beautiful.

I've always felt alone, as none of my friends understand what i feel. And i've wanted word to get out there, for tokophobic women like us to have options. My current boyfriend wants to have kids one day and i know its only time before we break up..

Somehow if I were guaranteed a C-section i may be able to go through pregnancy, nevertheless i will still be vvv depressed and suicidal throughout the pregnancy.. But it would be a "possibility". And when i said a "guaranteed" cesarean, i mean GUARANTEED, even a 1% risk of not getting one is not good enough. Which i don't think is possible.

I've heard horrid stories of women being refused elective cesareans...
or refused epidurals at the last minute or forced to have natural painful deliveries only cause its "natural" and they had to prove they were worthy of being a mother..and hence a woman! :'( :'(

This is one phobia that's really impossible to avoid. I try to avoid as much as possible, but something very tiny can trigger me off and leave me crying for days and contemplating suicide. From family members having babies, to a surprise childbirth scene in a movie or tv show, to people talking about it or pictures/posts on facebook or just seeing pregnant women at the supermarket.. Its really hard to avoid. It kills me everyday.